Read an Excerpt
Small Talk: 10 ADHD Lies
Written by Rich and Rox
In popular psychology, a core belief is a deeply held, unshakeable conviction about how we understand ourselves and the world around us. Core beliefs drive our behaviour, thoughts and emotions. Core beliefs can also become self-fulfilling prophecies: often, we hold onto them so tightly that our actions, often subconsciously, bring about evidence that our beliefs are true.
Imagine someone who holds the core belief, “I am deserving of love and respect.” This person is likelier to meet others with confidence and know how to set boundaries. This person has an internal compass that will alert them to exploitative or emotionally unsafe situations. They are likelier to sense if something is off about a prospective partner, and view disrespect as an immediate red flag. They are likelier to take action to get away from whatever is causing deep unease.
Unfortunately, the reverse is also true. If someone holds the core belief, “I am unworthy of love and respect,” they will view themselves as less than others, and may spend a lot of time and energy trying to prove their worth. They are more likely to be in abusive relationships, be easily taken advantage of at work, and find it difficult to see red flags. Being treated poorly may actually feel familiar, if not correct, to them—like something they deserve.
People with ADHD and AuDHD (autism and ADHD) are far more susceptible to developing toxic core beliefs. There are several reasons for this:
1. The average ADHDer receives 20,000 times more negative feedback than those without ADHD by the age of 10.
2. ADHDers are more likely to be disciplined and rejected by parents.
3. ADHDers are more likely to struggle and be singled out at school.
4. ADHDers are more likely to struggle with maintaining friendships.
5. ADHDers are more likely to struggle to maintain a job.
6. ADHDers are more likely to struggle with “basic” tasks such as cleaning, time management and organization.
In this book, we will discuss the ten most damaging of these beliefs, which we call the 10 ADHD Lies. We will help you to notice them for what they are, and we’ll help you to recognise which lies are affecting your life, how to stop believing them, and to find some much kinder core beliefs. Ones that will protect and inspire you or a loved one with ADHD.
We will share stories from our own lives—from our childhood and adolescence to our current relationship. Of course, we are aware that every ADHD experience is unique, and we do not intend to speak for everyone. But we hope that you will identify with some of what we share, and can begin to embark on the same journey of healing that we’ve undertaken.
The 10 ADHD Lies we’ll discuss were taken directly from our community. Some of them are incredibly difficult to read. But we believe it’s important to walk headfirst into these tough conversations in order to dismantle the beliefs behind them and begin to recover.
To put it another way, simply trying to force yourself to be more productive, better with time, and more focused is pointless if you believe that, at heart, you are some kind of broken, worthless, horrible person. You’ll be working from a place of punishment, as opposed to one of self-acceptance and healing. Trying to change our behaviour without first changing our core beliefs is like building a house on sand: the foundations are not steady. No matter what we build, the minute the tide comes in, that house will be washed away. A house built on solid ground, however, can weather life’s many storms.
And that is what we want to get at in this book—that your core beliefs are your foundation. And if those beliefs are positive, strong and inspiring, whatever you build on top of them will have a greater chance of actually working.
So, let’s get started. Let’s drag each of those toxic ADHD lies out into the light of day, expose them for the hateful nonsense they are, and replace them with something positive and solid that you can begin to (re)build on.
Ready? Take a deep breath. And let’s get into it.
It’s time to reprogramme who you believe you are at your very core. (See . . . we told you it wasn’t going to be “small talk!”)
All the love,
Rich and Rox
