All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss

by Kim Hooper, Meredith Resnick, Huong Diep PsyD (Contribution by)

Overview

“The tumultuous feelings that accompany pregnancy loss are hard to describe, and women who experience this often feel terribly alone in their grief. But All the Love, written by three wise and compassionate women, offers much-needed understanding, consolation, wisdom, and hope. Its heartfelt and caring message will provide solace and guidance to those who have lost babies as well as those who seek to support them.” –Christine Gross-Loh Author, Parenting Without Borders and co-author, The Path

All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss is a book dedicated to supporting and empowering women and their partners through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other types of pregnancy loss.

The book is part memoir, part therapy session; combining the personal story of Kim Hooper, who endured four losses, with therapeutic insights from Meredith Resnick (a licensed social worker) and Dr. Huong Diep (a board-certified psychologist). It is our hope that reading this book feels like sitting and chatting with someone about their experience, while therapist-friends listen in to provide clarity and comfort.

All the Love is the most in-depth book available to console women and partners in the wake of pregnancy loss. Topics include how to navigate the medical part of pregnancy loss, the emotional rollercoaster of grief, connecting with your partner, returning to “normal” life, rediscovering yourself, deciding whether to try again and having a baby after a loss. The book touches on considerations for LGBTQ+ couples and people facing racial, cultural, or socioeconomic issues that compound their grief.

For a loss that is so common, each woman’s story is beautifully unique. We want each woman to feel seen in this book. We want her to feel validated and hopeful as she steps into what’s next on her journey.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781684425563
Publisher:	TURNER PUB CO
Publication date:	03/23/2021
Pages:	400
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x (d)

About the Author

Kim Hooper is the author of four novels—People Who Knew Me (2016), Cherry Blossoms (2018), Tiny (2019), and All the Acorns on the Forest Floor (2021). She lives in Southern California with her husband, daughter, and a collection of pets.

Meredith Resnick worked in healthcare for two decades and maintains a strong interest in healing through the expressive arts. Her creative nonfiction has appeared in the Washington Post, JAMA, PsychologyToday.com, Los Angeles Times, Newsweek, Motherwell and others. This is her first book.

Dr. Huong Diep is a board certified psychologist and has provided clinical services, assessments and international trainings and consultations for over ten years. She is passionate about the intersection of gender, language, and culture and is an ally to the LGBTQ+ community.

Table of Contents

Kim's story xv

Meredith's story xviii

Huong's story xx

A loss like no other

Why, why, why? 1

It's about the baby-and so much more 3

Different kinds of loss

Chemical pregnancy 10

Ectopic pregnancy 12

Blighted ovum 16

Molar pregnancy 18

First-trimester miscarriage 21

Second-trimester miscarriage 24

Preterm delivery 30

Stillbirth 31

Different circumstances

When the pregnancy wasn't planned 35

When the pregnancy was very much planned 39

When you were pregnant with more than one child 41

When you already have a child (or children) 43

When you've struggled with infertility 48

When you had to make the difficult decision to end a pregnancy 51

The medical part of pregnancy loss

Why didn't anyone tell me about all the blood? 55

The hormones are real 60

Dealing with all the doctor's appointments 63

Looking for answers 66

When doctors don't say the right things 69

The care you're probably not getting 74

Shock, guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, despair, anxiety-the gang's all here

Shock and confusion

Is this really happening? 78

It wasn't supposed to be this way 80

Guilt and shame

Is this my fault? 83

I feel like a failure 87

Loneliness and isolation

If it's so common, why do I feel so alone? 91

I just want to hide from the world 94

Anger

My favorite stage of grief 98

The "It's not fair" tantrum 101

Betrayal

Feeling betrayed by my body 103

Feeling betrayed by nature 105

Feeling betrayed by God 107

Sadness and despair

Is it normal to be this sad? 110

Crying all the tears … or not 113

Dealing with depression 116

Anxiety and posttraumatic stress

Feeling a loss of control 120

I'm worried about more bad things happening 122

Why am I obsessed with death? 127

Posttraumatic stress: It's a thing 130

Understanding your grief process

What is the "process" anyway? 138

How long is this going to last? 143

Riding the grief rollercoaster 147

Physical signs of grief 152

Grieving in a society that sucks at grief

Feeling pressure to "move on" 156

All the unhelpful things people say 161

When people say nothing at all 171

The Pity Face 174

What I wish people would say 176

Connecting with your baby

Who was my baby? 180

A little ceremony goes a long way 182

Writing to my baby 185

Where is my baby now? 189

Tracking a pregnancy that is no more 191

Connecting with your partner

Grieving differently 194

Understanding your Other Half 202

Can my relationship survive this? 208

Intimacy after a loss 215

When your partner can't give you the support you need 219

When you don't have a partner 221

Thoughts for LGBTQ+ couples 223

Connecting with others

Joining the Pregnancy Loss Club 230

Navigating social media 233

How friendships can change 238

Getting professional help 240

Returning to "normal" life (whatever that means)

Feeling disoriented 246

Triggers at every turn 248

Acting like you're fine (not recommended) 251

Going back to work 253

When grief sneaks up on you 257

Coping with holidays and celebrations 259

Triggering dates 263

Dealing with other people having babies

Why does pregnancy seem to be everywhere? 266

All the triggered feelings-anger, sadness, envy, shame, guilt 270

My kind-of-bitchy open letter to expecting mothers 273

The dreaded baby showers 276

Rediscovering (and loving) who you are

Finding faith 280

Will I ever feel like me again? 284

Self-compassion and self-care 286

Coming back to my body 290

Moments of joy 293

Finding meaning 296

Trying again … or not

Should we try again? 301

I want to try again, but I'm terrified 306

When you and your partner aren't on the same page 309

Deciding not to try again 312

Getting pregnant after a loss

When it feels like you're holding your breath for nine months 315

Coping with the anxiety 319

I'm having trouble connecting with my baby 322

To tell people, or not to tell people 326

More unhelpful things people will say 328

Why do I still resent pregnant women? 332

Allowing for hope and gratitude 335

Having a baby after a loss

Giving birth 338

A word about "rainbow babies" 342

I'm still afraid something bad is going to happen 344

Is it normal to still be sad? 349

Am I allowed to think the newborn days are hard? 351

What if I forget the baby I lost? 355

How loss taught me about mothering 357

When grief gets (more) complicated

When you have multiple losses 361

When there is no "happy ending" 363

When racial, cultural, and socioeconomic issues come into play 365

When you have a history of loss or trauma 371

When your loss happens at the same time as another loss 373

When your loss feels overshadowed by a major event 375

When your loss causes financial stress 378

When things get political, religious, or otherwise emotionally charged 381

Moving forward from here 385

Acknowledgments 386

Bibliography 387

References 389

Appendix

Charities and organizations 403

Helpful websites 404

Books about pregnancy loss 404

Resources for health-care providers 405

Questionnaires and screeners

Perinatal Grief Scale 407

Generalized Anxiety Disorder 7-item (GAD-7) Scale 410

Patient Health Questionnaire-9 (PHQ-9) 411

PTSD Checklist for DSM-5 (PCL-5) 412

Life Events Checklist (LEC) 414

Patient Stress Questionnaire 416

Editorial Reviews

Hooper, Resnick, and Diep’s collective work adds a modern, authentic, and inclusive lens to the current canon on perinatal loss. Importantly, the authors shed light on a wide array of experiences and topics across the continuum of perinatal loss. Recognizing and emphasizing diversity, Hooper, Resnick, and Diep weave together personal stories, together with self-help and academic resources, to capture the individual and shared aspects of perinatal loss. All the Love will resonate in new and meaningful ways with readers who are reaching for this supportive information.” –Shara M. Brofman, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist

“The tumultuous feelings that accompany pregnancy loss are hard to describe, and women who experience this often feel terribly alone in their grief. But All the Love, written by three wise and compassionate women, offers much-needed understanding, consolation, wisdom, and hope. Its heartfelt and caring message will provide solace and guidance to those who have lost babies as well as those who seek to support them.” –Christine Gross-Loh Author, Parenting Without Borders and co-author, The Path

“A BEAUTIFUL resource for people. The authors left no stone unturned. A book like this is so needed.” –Julie Russell RN, LRMT, CC, CHt., Senior Licensed Reiki Master, International Center for Reiki Training

"Pregnancy loss is a common issue that is rarely discussed. The insights within All the Love provide an opportunity to explore its depths and help shed light on what lies beneath the surface." –Jacob Gibbens, MD, MSc, FACOG

"All the Love is a unique work and balm for families striving to survive and make meaning in life after experiencing the unimaginable pain of pregnancy and infant loss. With compassion and insight, the authors offer their brave voices and intimate experiences on the aftermath of loss. A valuable resources for the pregnancy and infant loss community, All the Love demonstrates that even in grief and loss–this traumatic and out-of-order loss–there is love, eternal and undying." –Keisha Wells, Licensed Professional Counselor and author of From Three Heartbeats to One: A Gentle Companion Offering Hope in Grieving Pregnancy and Infant Loss

"All the Love is a deeply accurate and therapeutic love letter to women who have experienced pregnancy loss and the people who love them. The stories and guidance offered in the pages of this beautiful book serve as a reminder to those who have experienced this very unique kind of loss that they are not alone. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet there is still so much shame and stigma around these losses. As a psychotherapist specializing in Perinatal Loss, this is a book that I will be recommending to my clients when they are ready to reflect and heal." –Haley Neidich, LCSW, PMH-C

"All the Love is an engaging, informational, and beautiful look into the realities and complexities of pregnancy loss. Hearing the unique stories of the authors provides so much validation and normalization to such a nuanced experience. I would highly recommend this book to individuals who have been impacted by pregnancy loss as well to helping professionals seeking to better understand this universal, but rarely discussed experience." –Dr. Sunita Osborn, Clinical Psychologist, Author of The Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting and The Miscarriage Map Workbook

From the Publisher