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George Washington
The President of Presidents
Presidential Term: 1789–1797
Political Party: None
Spouse: Martha Dandridge
Children: None, though he’s technically the Father of His Country, so . . . lots?
Birthdate: February 22, 1732
Death Date: December 14, 1799
Fun Fact: Washington is literally on money.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who don’t actively enjoy being shot at, and George Washington. Most of you are probably in that first group, and that’s why no one will ever put your picture on money.
The idea that Washington liked being shot at isn’t up for debate, mind you. No one is saying that Washington probably enjoyed being shot at because of his willingness to return to battle in service of his country; he admitted to it. In a letter to his brother about his time on the battlefield, Washington said, “I heard the bullets whistle, and, believe me, there is something charming in the sound,” which, according to rumor, prompted King George III to remark that Washington’s attitude would change if he’d heard a few more. “Oh ho ho, perhaps you’re right,” Washington may have said good-naturedly with a chuckle, before he absolutely destroyed King George’s entire army and ran America for eight glorious and strong-jawed years.
But we know all that already. We all know how tough and noble Washington was. If you studied Washington at all in school, you know that he was a good man and a just president, a friend to everyone and everything (with the notable exception, according to some rumors, of cherry trees). We know all of this because everyone talks about how bright, strong, and fair President George Washington was. But I’m going to talk about how he was also probably magic.
Let’s start with how Washington knew America was going to war before America even had an army. Sure, the seeds of discontent had already been sown, but war was not a foregone conclusion to anyone but Washington even in 1775, when the Continental Congress met for the second time to discuss what to do about Great Britain’s unfair taxation practices. War was an option, but not a certainty at that point, at least not in the eyes of the members of the Continental Congress. Many of the Founding Fathers, like Benjamin Franklin, still had great fondness for their mother country, and they were eager to find a peaceful solution with the homeland.
But not Washington. Whether he could see the future and knew war was coming or he simply willed the war into existence, Washington was ahead of the curve. On his way to the meeting (before war had been declared—or even discussed—and before he’d been given command of the Continental Army), he stopped off to buy some books about war strategy, tomahawks, and new holsters for his guns. If that didn’t send a clear-enough message, he showed up to the meeting already wearing his military uniform, while the rest of the representatives were trying to handle this whole “revolution thing” delicately and diplomatically. It was like everyone else at the meeting was discussing whether or not they should build a bomb, and Washington had already lit the fuse. It wasn’t just about finding another chance to challenge a bunch of bullets to a game of chicken (though it’s true Washington never missed an opportunity to do so). He knew war was inevitable and wanted to be dressed appropriately.
And of course, Washington was right. War was necessary. Even if it wasn’t necessary before, it was necessary because he said it was. For reasons that will never be clear to historians (but will be to people who accept magic as a possibility), the universe bends to Washington’s will.
Here’s one of the most important things you need to know about Washington: he should not have been able to lead America to victory in the Revolutionary War. When it came time to choose someone to command the Continental Army, Washington was chosen for his popularity, not his skills as a general. He was brave and a great soldier, but he’d never commanded anything larger than a regiment, and when he’d been handed an entire army of untrained, undisciplined troops, he started messing up almost immediately. He lost more battles than he won, and the majority of those losses were a direct result of his own arrogance and overaggressiveness. Yes, Washington—the man we all like to remember as the quiet, dignified, reluctant soldier—was a short-tempered fighter who never turned down a battle. If you think that never turning down a battle despite your army being terrible and untrained is a bad strategy, congratulations, you’d make a better general than George Washington. (Feel free to brag to all your friends.)
Unlike most soldiers (and, indeed, most sane human beings), Washington didn’t see a battle as a means to an end, or as an unfortunate but necessary part of achieving important goals. He saw it as a chance to show his enemies how brave and strong he and his army were. He’d treat every challenge from his opponents not like a necessary evil that needed to be stopped as quickly as possible, but like a personal attack on him, as if the opposing army were just pointing at Washington and bawking like a chicken. After being called a chicken, instead of calmly using the timeless and brilliant “I’m rubber and you’re glue” strategy, Washington overreacted and sent his exhausted and unskilled army after every insult. In case you’ve never led an army before, you should know that this is a bad strategy, especially when your opponent is stronger, larger, and more experienced, as Great Britain was.
This overaggressive strategy blew up in Washington’s face over and over again. At many times during the war, it seemed that America’s favorite son was too arrogant and reckless to bring us to victory. Indeed, Washington rarely won battles; he mostly just survived using “strategic retreat.” If that sounds like a fancy, classy way of saying “running away,” that’s because it is.
