Your Positive Potential: Action Steps for Self-Empowerment
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Your Positive Potential: Action Steps for Self-Empowerment
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781450250702 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | iUniverse, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 10/08/2010 |
| Pages: | 184 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.42(d) |
Read an Excerpt
YOUR POSITIVE POTENTIAL
Action Steps for Self-EmpowermentBy L. KRYSTALINA SOASH
iUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2010 L. Krystalina SoashAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-5070-2
Chapter One
Wounds Happen without our Permission
All adults have a past. Just the simple fact that we are alive today says that we have a past called yesterday. We may classify our yesterday as years of experience, or we may classify it as one memorable experience in a single day—for example, a wedding day or a tragic accident. But one thing is certain, and that is that we cannot change our yesterdays, as the following story demonstrates, but we can make choices afterward.
A Past We Cannot Change
Daddy stepped into the house just momentarily on that beautiful summer day while his happy six-year-old little girl, Katie Ann, bounced with glee in her favorite red and black spotted jumpsuit. Up and down she went on that green trampoline, and through the black safety netting, Daddy could see his daughter's long hair bouncing with her as if to agree they were all having a great time. He had just bought that trampoline for her birthday the day before. Up and down Katie Ann continued to bounce until suddenly she was distracted and stopped jumping. She directed her gaze to the dark blue sedan that had pulled into their driveway at the back of the house. Though she lived with her Daddy, her Mommy would come visit when she was in town, and today she was in town.
"It's Mommy!" Katie Ann squealed with excitement.
"Hi, Katie Ann, Nice jumps! Don't stop," said Mommy, waving her hand as she walked toward her happy little girl. "Show me what you can do on that trampoline."
Katie Ann looked toward the kitchen window and saw Daddy waving at her and Mommy, so she stopped to give Mommy a hug. It was then she noticed Mommy suddenly had a serious look on her face.
"Come on, Katie Ann," Mommy said in a quivering voice.
Katie Ann sensed something wasn't right, but what she didn't know was that Mommy and Daddy had just had another one of those talks on the phone, the kind that left them angry at each other. As Mommy got closer to Katie Ann, she gestured to her little girl, "Come on, darling, jump into Mommy's arms—I'll catch you!"
Mommy's outstretched arms summoned Katie Ann to take that leap of faith, and with a great big smile, Katie Ann proudly held out her arms and flung herself into the air toward Mommy. But in midair and as if in slow motion, she noticed Mommy moved aside. But it was too late. Katie Ann landed sharply on the ground, and feeling bewildered, she sobbed with physical and emotional pain. Through her tear-filled eyes, she could see her bloody knees and hands and waited for Mommy to console her. But instead, Mommy bent over her little girl, looked into her scuffed-up little face, and with a gruff sharp tone of voice, said, "Don't you ever, ever trust anybody!"
And Mommy's words were imprinted on Katie Ann for a lifetime!
It is sad but true that some of us carry some sort of similar experience to a varying degree. The hurts and the devaluing experiences imprinted on us as children may seem permanent, and permanent they are as long as we allow them to be. Unfortunately, some of us go through life blaming others or even ourselves for situations we had no control over as children, and worse yet, we haven't been able to get past those wounds that manifest as scars today, leading us to a miserable existence. But one thing is certain in this process, and that is that as long as we were the child and in the care of an adult, someone else had responsibility for our well-being. But when we became adults and took responsibility for ourselves, we had no reason to blame others for our past childhood experiences. Another trigger that helps the painful memory linger is that somewhere in the recesses of our mind, we may even feel that somehow we contributed to that experience and that therefore, it was our fault. As adults we can choose the direction we'd like to go with those experiences. It's really eye-opening, not to mention a relief, to realize that our negative childhood experiences were not our fault at all.
Having been around young children for over fifty years and as a former child advocate, I've found it very common to encounter little children blaming themselves for their mommy and daddy fighting, for the dog getting out, or for the broken dishes on the floor, and the list goes on. If we observe little children, we see that they have an inclination to want to put things together, to plug holes, to fix things, to fit parts in their place, and to put pieces together to make a whole; they especially want to put broken things back together. Ever watch small children try to put a square peg into a round hole? You'll see their whole little body quiver as they try to shove that square peg into that round hole. And if that characteristic is very strong, and they don't succeed in accomplishing that goal, they will become very frustrated, they will cry, and they may even throw a tantrum.
What these little children don't know yet is that they cannot put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Try as they might, it just won't happen. We as adults also need to know that we cannot put Humpty Dumpty back together either, and the sooner we realize that fact, the sooner we can begin to heal.
That childhood inclination of wanting to put things back together to make a whole carries over into the adult years, and when we can't seem to fix ourselves, we perceive ourselves as failures. As adults, and sometimes even during younger years, we may even get involved in risky behavior as an escape from our own perceived failures, making matters worse and continuing to blame others for situations that were out of our control when we were still children. The impact of our harmful decisions seems to linger on forever, and in many cases, we expend years, even decades, blaming others for our miserable unproductive life. We blame our parents for our not having our degree at age thirty, or for not having our coveted CEO position at age forty, or even for our not having the ideal family in the prime of our life. Blame is the name of the game!
Blaming is actually a defense mechanism that works for a while, but the end result is damaging because no matter what happens in later years, our every perceived failure remains someone else's fault. It's so sad that many beautiful lives have been wasted in misery, or for some have ended in suicide, due to our own cloudy lens on life that validates our misery.
As Children, We Thought as Children
Being second from the oldest of ten children and having worked with little children for nearly forty years of my life, I've seen one prevailing characteristic that happens naturally, and that is that young children have the emotional flexibility of a rubber binder. They are extremely resilient and bounce back in a matter of minutes, or a matter of hours as they get older. Case in point: While experiencing their teething stage, toddlers will bite and chew on anything and everything they can get into their mouth. If you watch a toddler long enough at this stage, you will see the child grab his own foot as it sweeps across his little face, and without even a second thought, he will put it in his mouth and just bite right into it. If you are standing or sitting nearby and make eye contact when that happens (and it happens so fast), he will look at you with an expression of "How dare you!"
For an instant and in his innocent little mind, the toddler will think that you are the culprit. But just massage his little toes and speak in a comforting, soothing voice, and in less than a minute, he will be just fine. This happens because young children's emotions are very flexible and transient. However, as children get older, their thoughts begin to change, and their emotions tend to linger just a bit longer. By the time they are in kindergarten, they may get mad at you for correcting them, but the discontentment may last only approximately five minutes. By second grade, their discontentment with you may last about half an hour, and by the time they are in fifth grade, it may last a whole day. Then there's the sixth grader who may see you as her enemy for a full day, and the next day, you're her best friend again.
As children's thinking begins to change, so does their attitude about real-life situations, and with age, children's emotions are not as flexible as they used to be when they were younger. They tend to hold on to emotions longer so that by the time they become adults they not only hold on to emotions longer but also attach memory to strong emotion. Memories, after all, are created via emotions; studies have shown that without some type of emotion, there is no memory.
Case in point: If you don't remember what you ate last Friday for dinner, it's likely that there was no emotion attached to that experience. But if it was your birthday, a holiday, or a special day, you might even remember what you were wearing. Do you remember what you wore to work last week on Tuesday? Same concept—you probably don't remember unless it was a significant day, for example, if you were getting a promotion or you were doing a PowerPoint presentation for a big audience. It is a known fact that in order to create a memory, you must have these two factors: an experience and an emotion. The stronger the emotional impact, the stronger the memory.
So it is with children as they get older. When we were children, we thought as children, and when we became adults, we were supposed to think as adults. But some of us did not move on to think as adults, and some of us still don't. So what's the dilemma here? What's up with the hurting child in the adult body?
Here's the dilemma: During our childhood, some of us found ourselves in a highly emotionally charged situation so that our childhood memories became exceptionally susceptible to the influence of others, especially adults. During our developing years, that influence made us vulnerable to those adults in charge of our well being. Katie Ann's mom held that influence over her daughter and wielded it powerfully!
Today as a hurting child in an adult body, some of us may not know that we have options and that we can choose what to do with those painful memories from hurtful experiences. It's really up to us. Can we take responsibility now as adults? Can we honestly differentiate between the experience back then and our perception of it today? Or will we take the path of least resistance, blame others, and create resentments from our own perceived failures in life?
Blame Feeds Our Resentment Monster
If we choose to blame others, as seems to be a natural human inclination, then that blame will certainly turn on us and zap us of our life's happiness and fulfillment in the form of resentment(s). According to Webster's Dictionary, resentments are "aggrieved feelings caused by a sense of having been badly treated." Notice the past tense. Then we ask, what exactly are those "aggrieved feelings"? Those aggrieved feelings may come from an experience of feeling hurt, upset, angry, put out, wounded, injured, distressed, pained, and/or being wronged. And if that wasn't enough, these are compounded by our own perception of being wronged, offended, maltreated, mistreated, persecuted, and/or even victimized.
Just being aware of having resentments isn't enough to start the healing process. If we were to ask therapists, physicians, and spiritual leaders, they would most certainly tell us that resentments are considered extremely unhealthy and are capable of hurting us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If we plan to get healthy and live a more productive life, then we must take action and find ways to heal, or those resentments will eat us up alive!
Resentment has the power to erode our very character and turn us into something like a monster in some scary movie, but only if we feed it. Continue to feed it and resentment will eventually become a conditioned response.
How is resentment established in the first place? Resentment is first established by a perceived offense on our part by someone outside of us, be it a stranger, a family member, a neighbor, or even a friend. After the resentment is established, it must be fed to be kept alive; like any living thing, it must be fed if it's going to survive. Do we consciously want this harmful creature to survive inside of us? Of course we don't, but we don't know it's harmful until we see the end result.
How do we feed that resentment? That resentment is fed by replaying that perceived offense in our minds just like those sportscasters on television who say, "Now let's watch that play again!" And if the replay doesn't provide enough details, the sportscaster continues with "Now let's watch that again in slow motion!" and asks the audience, "Did you see that?" Following are then the highlights with markers and arrows showing the detailed action. In essence, that's the same thing we do when we establish resentments, and we do it well!
The word resentment may be broken down into three parts:
re—again, anew, rebuild
sent(ient)—conscious, capable of feeling and perception
ment—action or process, the result of an action, the condition resulting from an action
Put it together, and we see that resentment is the act of replaying those aggrieved feelings that are caused by our sense of having been badly treated and that are strengthened by being fed.
Our minds are very powerful, more than we may realize. With just one thought, we can elevate our own blood pressure, raise our body temperature, and pop blood vessels all at the same time. We have the capacity to do that much damage with just one thought! By replaying an offense in our minds, we reinforce those hurtful memories and feelings of pain, anger, wound, injury, and so on.
Then, of course, we can add more of our own little seasoning with our perception of being wronged, offended, mistreated, persecuted, or even victimized. We've got the makings of a full-blown resentment. But wait! It doesn't stop there. The next step is that we become so steeped in that resentment that it becomes a conditioned response, and we are its creator.
So what does a resentful conditioned response look like? And how does resentment become a conditioned response? It becomes a conditioned response when that resentment becomes a habit. It shows up as a habit when it's strong enough to become ingrained and becomes a part of our personality.
And here's what it looks like: Harbored, solidified resentment plagues us in the form of living with stress, hostility, and/or suspicion. This is revealed when someone who resembles the person in our replayed ill memory approaches us with any act of kindness.
If that still isn't bad enough, this bad habit opens the door for adding to the resentment. We begin to look for situations to prove we were right in our own misconstrued reasoning and proceed to incorporate hostility and suspicion into our already weakened human existence.
The concept of "seek and you will find" becomes very real to this now very resentful person, and it works like this: Let's say you buy a new blue car, and there were very few, if any, blue cars around before you bought your blue car. Then all of sudden there are blue cars everywhere. That's because the saying is true: what you focus on expands. It's the same way with the resentful hostile person looking for reasons to be offended. This person may be so hostile from harboring resentments that subconsciously this behavior becomes a habit that in turn becomes a (habitual) conditioned response. The habit may become so ingrained that this person unknowingly seeks out hostile situations to feel offended. This in turn feeds the resentment monster, creating a vicious cycle that prevents us from living a peaceful and fulfilling life. Seeking some kind of professional guidance is one avenue for breaking this cycle; we can't do it alone.
But who in their right mind would even go to the extreme of establishing and then solidifying resentments? Adults unknowingly do it all the time. Babies and small children won't because they don't have that capability, yet. It is a learned behavior. Babies and small children live in the moment and see and feel only what is in front of them. They are intrigued by their surroundings because they see their world through the eyes of an innocent child, a world where everything around them is brand new. Look at a baby sometime or a child at the play and you'll see that young children live in the moment. For them there is no worry about what they'll have for lunch, unless they missed breakfast; they don't worry about who comes or who goes; they don't worry about next week or even tomorrow. They live an innocent child's life free of resentments.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from YOUR POSITIVE POTENTIAL by L. KRYSTALINA SOASH Copyright © 2010 by L. Krystalina Soash. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction....................1Wounds Happen without our Permission....................3
A Past We Cannot Change....................3
As Children, We Thought as Children....................6
Blame Feeds Our Resentment Monster....................8
Don't Pick at That Scab!....................13
Surrender? You've Got to Be Kidding!....................16
Trust: Is There Anybody Else Out There?....................17
Affirmations: Is That a Wish List?....................21
Affirmations from Our Wish List....................22
Oops I Found Out the Hard Way....................23
Get Your Raft Ready—We're Going for a Ride!....................25
We Can Learn from a Retired Donkey....................26
Insanity Is Not Complicated....................30
Help Is Not Outside the Well....................33
Reaching Out: We're in This Together....................34
Action Steps for Self-Empowerment....................37
A Simple Life Experiment....................38
Self-Awareness....................40
A Little Whining Is Good for You....................41
Stepping Out of the Box at the Potluck....................42
Healthy Self-Esteem versus Over-Confidence....................43
Do You Need More to Feel Complete?....................44
Do More and Wish Less....................46
Who Defines Happiness, Good Health, and Success for You?....................48
Simple Components for Inner Reflection....................50
A Little Positive Something....................51
Two Main Causes of Procrastination....................53
Glowing with the Essence of Loving Life....................55
If You Must Compare, Then Do This....................56
Your Own Profitable Mistakes....................58
Going from Negative to Positive Self-Talk....................60
Thinking Mindfully or Mindfully Thinking?....................62
Is Your Dinosaur Running You Ragged?....................64
What Should You Do While Waiting?....................66
Did You Close the Garage Door?....................68
Have You Tried to Get Away from Yourself Lately?....................70
Positive Ways to Work with Change....................72
Good Intentions Sure Look Good on Paper....................74
Healthy Living....................76
Just Two Anti-Aging Formulas....................77
Eating for Good Health....................79
Basic Steps for Your Good Health....................81
With These Exercises, You Won't Forget Your Brain....................82
For the One and Only Body You Possess....................84
Prevent Those Icky Feelings....................87
Self-Sabotage, How Could You?....................89
Goal-Setting Pointers....................91
How to Avoid Regret Stress....................93
Okay, Grump, It's Time to Modify!....................96
Now, Now, Don't Shoot the Messenger!....................98
It's Not Boredom; It's Your Ultradian Rhythm....................101
Your Thoughts Will Tell on You....................103
Meditation....................105
Meditation and Your Brain Waves....................106
Meditate to Break Away from Past Conditioning....................109
Benefits of Joining a Meditation Group....................111
Simple Daily Meditation....................114
How to Establish a Regular Meditation Practice....................116
Common Experiences for New Practitioners....................117
Most Well-Known Methods of Meditation....................118
Meditation Basics of a Mantra and Its Uses....................119
Strengthen Your Awareness with Mindfulness....................120
One-Syllable Mantras....................121
Assistance with Your Meditation Practice....................123
Meditate with the Cow and the Rose....................125
Relationships....................127
How to Defuse an Argument....................128
Maintaining Healthy Relationships....................130
Peaceful Living with Your Other Half....................132
Is Your Request Reversible?....................134
Establish a Good Rapport with an Elderly Person....................136
Strengthen Your Friendships....................138
Words of Wisdom for Your Friend's Same Old Problem....................140
Allow Your Thoughts to Work for You....................142
The Profound Difference between Attachment and Appreciation....................144
Taking Charge or Charging Through—Which Is It?....................146
Enhance Your Communication Skills....................148
In Conclusion: You Have a Choice....................150
What Will It Be?....................151
Recommended Reading....................153
Proactive Resources....................155
About the Author....................159
12-Page Blank Journal for Action Steps....................160