Table of Contents
Introduction xi
Moms & Dads
No Presents for Dad 5
Call Your Mother Before She's Dead 8
Tiger Mom vs. Ice-Cream Mom 11
Things You Find on Mom 15
Don't Ask Your Father 16
Your Children Should at Least Think You Might Spank Them 19
Things You Find on Dad 22
Stop Trying to Be Cool 23
Children
Welcome to Plain Pasta, Can I Take Your Order? 31
The Kid with the Googly Eye 35
Your Baby Doesn't Want to Go Anywhere with You 41
Boys Stink 45
How to Yell at Your Children 49
Morning People 53
In Defense of Family Vacations 58
The Happiest Place on Earth? 63
No Fighting Before Coffee 68
Least Popular Baby Names 72
School Sucks! 73
Family Life
Someone Threw Up There 81
Worst Family Vacation Spots 87
Nuttier Than a Fruitcake 88
No Phones at the Tablay 95
Stay Out of the Emergency Room 100
Tell Me that Story Again 104
Bad Family Games 109
Birthday Parties Belong at Home 110
Fun Family Traditions 115
Husbands
There Are No Great Guys 121
Don't Drag Him to an Art Gallery While on Vacation 127
Things Husbands Lie About 131
You Aren't Marrying Who You Think You Are 132
John Is Dead 136
Wives
The Wife Lie Detector 143
The Importance of the Forced Romantic Getaway 146
We'll Sleep When We're Dead 150
That Cute Thing She Does 154
What Men Think Their Wives Do in the Bathroom 160
Leave the Past Alone 161
There's No Such Thing as a Soul Mate 165
Pets
Your Cat Thinks You're Too Needy 173
Your Dog Doesn't Want to Go to a Restaurant with You 176
Get a Fish 179
Good Family Pets 182
Requiem for Smokey 183
Bad Family Pets 187
Grandparents
Fishing for Sky 193
Old People Shouldn't Twerk 200
Perfect Gift Ideas for Grandma 204
Who's Watching Who? 205
Bad Gift Ideas for Grandma 208
The Outlaws
Your Father-in-Law Doesn't Like You Either 211
Best Places to Bring Your Daughter's Boyfriend 216
Your Mom's Not the Boss of Me 217
Brothers & Sisters
Mistake in the Woods 227
The Brother I Never Had 235
Aunts, Uncles & Cousins Too
Cool Aunt vs. Creepy Aunt 245
Uncle Al, All the Kids' Pal 250
Cool Things to Do with Your Uncle When You're Young 256
Your Cousins Will Ruin Your Life 257
Strangers
Rocky Road 265
New Americans 270
Trolls 270
Techno-Idiots 272
The Super Sports Fan 272
The Angry, Middle-Aged White Guy 274
Hot Moms 275
Know-Nothing Life Masters 276
People to Avoid on a Plane 279
And, Finally … Just Eat the Bread 280
Acknowledgments 285
Coupons 287