You Know You're a Mom: A Book for Moms Who Spend Saturdays at the Soccer Field Instead of the Spa

by Harry Harrison

Overview

For every woman who has posted 800 pictures of her baby on Instagram.

One day that little plus sign appears on the stick, and you realize your life is about to change forever—you’re going to be a mom! Whether you’re still in the days of 2am feedings and loads of dirty diapers, or you’ve made it to that bittersweet moment of their college graduation, this book will make you laugh out loud with its insightful and funny observations about motherhood.  From the days when you read every parenting book ever written—while your husband plays golf—to the hours you spent polishing up your adult child’s resume, parenting is a roller coaster. Harry H. Harrison Jr. makes it just a little easier with his trademark humor and truisms as you learn that your job as a mom is the most important one you’ll ever have.

 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780718090678
Publisher:	Nelson, Thomas, Inc.
Publication date:	04/04/2017
Sold by:	HarperCollins Publishing
Format:	eBook
Pages:	208
File size:	845 KB

About the Author

Harry H Harrison Jr. is a bestselling writer with more than 3.5 million books in print. He has been the subject of two documentaries. His books have been listed on the New York Times and Book Sense list of bestselling non-fiction trade paperback books for over ten years. They are also available in some thirty foreign countries.

 

Read an Excerpt

You Know You're A Mom

A Book for Moms Who Spend Saturdays at the Soccer Field Instead of the SPA

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By Harry H. Harrison Jr.

Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2017 Harry H. Harrison Jr.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-7180-9067-8

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CHAPTER 1

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PREGNANT MOM WHEN ... THAT LITTLE LINE SHOWS UP ON THE STICK, AND YOU CAN'T BREATHE

You know you're a pregnant mom when ...

That little plus sign appears on the stick, and you realize your life is about to change forever.

* * *

The Trans Am when you turned sixteen was pretty sweet, but you now decide that perhaps the greatest gift in life is a baby.

* * *

You begin referring to yourself in the plural: "We are ready for bed."

* * *

Your world is rocked by a blessing the size of a blueberry.

* * *

You wake up your husband at 1:00 a.m. to show him the blueprints you have drawn up for the nursery.

* * *

You realize you're the luckiest person in the world — after you get through throwing up.

* * *

Suddenly you have an interest in your company parental leave policy. And you think it's pretty restrictive.

* * *

You realize you have six or seven more months before you become a role model. And that may mean changing a lot of things.

* * *

You and your husband stay up at night outlining a parenting strategy for the next eighteen years.

* * *

You stop to thank God for making you a woman. Who can have a baby.

* * *

Your life is about to be filled with bittersweet moments like the first day of preschool and high school graduation.

* * *

Suddenly you become overprotective. It's something genetic.

* * *

Hormones cause you to tear up while watching animal videos, cooking oatmeal, or reading the latest motherhood meme on Facebook.

* * *

You realize pregnancy is a miracle, a mystery, and a medical condition all rolled into one.

* * *

You develop headaches, stomachaches, heartaches, and exhaustion. And love it all.

* * *

You'd rather stay home in bed but drag your husband to parenting class.

* * *

Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time causes your heart to skip a beat.

* * *

You find out that "morning sickness" is code for "brace yourself, you're about to be sick. All. Day. Long."

* * *

Out of the blue you decide to cut off all your hair.

* * *

You realize you need the name of a good pediatrician.

* * *

You're doing a downward dog in a pregnancy yoga class, and you can't get back up.

* * *

You turn what was to be your office into a nursery. And then you take a picture of the room and proudly post it to Instagram.

* * *

You learn the price of outfitting a nursery means no vacation for two years.

* * *

Your shopping strategy changes from buying clothes that show off your once-toned body to maternity clothes in order to show off your blossoming belly.

* * *

You want to somehow name your child after your parents, your husband's parents, your childhood pet — and work in something new and unique.

* * *

You worry that your child will sit in a therapist's office one day and say, "It all began when my parents chose to name me ..."

* * *

You buy a book of one hundred thousand baby names — and then name your baby after your grandmother.

* * *

You call the baby by his name while he's still in your womb, and even introduce him by name to strangers.

* * *

You pray for your baby by name before she's born.

* * *

You desperately need to find a Starbucks on the way to work thanks to an all-night prenatal party going on in your belly.

* * *

People feel quite comfortable asking the craziest questions! Did you plan this? Do you know what causes it?

* * *

You stare in the mirror and decide that the whole "pregnancy glow" thing must be a myth.

* * *

You find yourself standing in the middle of the grocery store trying to recall what it was that you needed.

* * *

You have this overwhelming craving for mustard soup and would do just about anything to get it.

* * *

You break up with your beloved Diet Coke.

* * *

Your husband tells you that you're starting to snore.

* * *

Complete strangers want to touch your stomach.

* * *

You devour books on raising children while your husband is content to watch football. You mark pages he should read, then realize this won't happen in a million years.

* * *

You and your husband are scared witless and have no idea what you're doing but, other than that, have everything under control.

* * *

Suddenly it hits you — you're carrying a child of God.

* * *

You sing to the baby in your womb while your husband eyes you suspiciously.

* * *

You look at the neighborhood's nine-year-old girls and subconsciously analyze them as prospective babysitters.

* * *

You pray not only for your newborn, but also for the husband or wife God has picked for your child for twenty-five years or so from now.

* * *

Your husband rubs your stomach until your baby starts kicking, then you're kept awake all night while hubby rolls over and goes to sleep.

* * *

You question why medical science has failed to improve iron supplements in five hundred years.

* * *

You maintain regular exercise. Technically, you're just bending over to tie your shoes, but it totally counts.

* * *

You do stretch exercises at 2:00 a.m. because your legs are restless and cramping.

* * *

You worry your husband will forget where the hospital is when it matters most.

* * *

You turn the übercool media room into a pink nursery with rainbows and unicorns.

* * *

You fret over whether to use cloth diapers or disposables, when the same fate awaits both.

* * *

You skip Lamaze class and go to Dairy Queen because you're pretty certain the baby can find his way out.

* * *

You are too nauseated to eat anything but still manage to devour a pan of brownies because you are not a quitter.

* * *

You have to explain to the first child what a blessing the second one will be when it's clear he doesn't believe you.

* * *

You feel as if you have no idea what you're doing despite all the books your mother, your friends who are mothers, and your in-laws give you.

* * *

You strategically plot bathroom stops.

* * *

You stay up all hours of the night reading about the pros and cons of breast-feeding versus bottle-feeding.

* * *

You worry about money — and then order birth announcements that cost $500.

* * *

You're putting together the crib you loved in the store that has come in two million pieces.

* * *

You teach your baby the sound of your voice while he's still in the womb.

* * *

You are decorating your nursery at 2:00 a.m.

* * *

You think you need to buy everything now, forgetting the stores will still be open after the baby is born.

* * *

You realize no one has told you about the tenth month of pregnancy.

* * *

You think seriously about breast-feeding mainly because it can save some $2,500 a year on formula and supplies.

* * *

You're explaining to your husband why a baby stroller costs as much as a used car.

* * *

You learn what an inflatable doughnut is all about.

* * *

You forget how much you love your husband while you're in the throes of labor and hold him accountable for your stomach almost bursting.

* * *

You vow, "No epidural" — and then scream at the nurse, "Give me the shot!"

CHAPTER 2

YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE MOM OF A BABY WHEN ... YOU WOULD PAY $1 MILLION FOR A FIFTEEN-MINUTE NAP

You know you're the mom of a baby when ...

You hear that little cry.

* * *

You realize all the books were helpful, but you would have been better off spending that time sleeping.

* * *

You c-section story rivals the best war story your grandpa ever told.

* * *

You're up at 3 a.m. and don't notice the time. Who are we kidding? You know exactly what time it is.

* * *

Your happiness is totally dependent upon the washing machine working. And then it quickly shifts to being totally dependent upon the repairman showing up before the day is over.

* * *

Despite best-laid plans, you learn the burden of child care falls primarily on the person who can breast-feed.

* * *

Nothing helps you reconnect with your husband quite like napping together.

* * *

You have pacifiers hidden all over the house because no mama has time for a missing pacifier at 2:30 a.m.

* * *

You rush your first child's pacifier to the nearest sink the second it is dropped. By the third child you stick that pacifier in your mouth to clean it.

* * *

You give the pacifier a name.

* * *

You start putting diapers and Wet Ones in your purse. Later, you acquire a gigantic diaper bag that you stuff everything into, including your purse. Which is hard to find among all the baby stuff.

* * *

You achieve freak-out levels of panic you didn't think possible.

* * *

You realize the relationship between you and your husband has just been changed.

* * *

You start talking in a whole new language and use words like potty and bite-bite while speaking to other adults.

* * *

You pray you're making the right decision about vaccinations.

* * *

You bring your baby home, and the first thing you feel walking in the door is sheer terror.

* * *

You post pictures of your baby on Instagram and rank your friends based on who "likes" the most.

* * *

Suddenly you need your mom for help and guidance. And cooking. And rocking the baby. And quieting him.

* * *

The $4,000-a-month price of a nanny not only seems reasonable, but necessary.

* * *

Caffeine becomes a necessity and showering a luxury.

* * *

You're blindsided by love for your baby, but still worry you don't love her as much as books say you should.

* * *

You want a baby stroller that's the price of a Volvo.

* * *

You find that there is a stroller for every situation, and you're pretty sure that you need them all.

* * *

You buy a $700 baby stroller so you can spend quality time with your baby while you exercise.

* * *

You shop at garage sales for baby clothes because your child seems to outgrow them before you even get home.

* * *

You find that nothing gets folks worked up like someone parenting differently than they parent.

* * *

With no appreciable mechanical skill whatsoever, you can break down a deluxe baby carriage for two so that it fits in your car in ten seconds flat.

* * *

You forget everything you learned in your baby-care class, begin just winging it, and do absolutely fine.

* * *

You feel as if you've won the lottery the first time you successfully burp your baby.

* * *

You tell people to bring food when they ask how they can help you.

* * *

You suddenly have psychotic hair.

* * *

You've read twenty to thirty parenting books with differing philosophies and feel better because, apparently, no one knows what they're doing.

* * *

You and your husband count your baby's stools and compare notes over dinner.

* * *

You call your mother-in-law for advice.

* * *

You know exactly what a four-week, five-day, eleven-hour-old girl should weigh.

* * *

You learn too late that the most toxic places in the world are not nuclear dumps, but pediatricians' offices.

* * *

You discover that pink, bubblegum-flavored medicine is a cure-all for childhood ailments

* * *

You calculate your baby will go through five thousand diapers — and wonder, Do I wash them, throw them away, or send them out for cleaning?

* * *

You're worried your six-month-old doesn't have enough friends.

* * *

You look forward to Mommy & Me classes.

* * *

You discover a well of patience you never knew existed.

* * *

You have become Dr. Mom; there isn't anything that you and the Internet can't figure out.

* * *

You have started to view the spit-up on your shirt as an accessory and wear it with pride.

* * *

You read ten blogs before clipping your baby's fingernails for the first time.

* * *

Alone time with your husband now depends on Saturday morning cartoons and afternoon naps.

* * *

You start thinking more about your own childhood and marveling at how your mom did it.

* * *

Your child becomes attached to a particular stuffed toy and it seems cute — until you are searching every lost and found station at Disney World looking for it.

* * *

You spend an hour with your baby, coaxing a smile; then when you get it, you are filled with indescribable bliss.

* * *

You realize that to a little baby throwing food is as much fun as eating it.

* * *

For some reason you're now fixated on your child's pooping. This fixation will not go away.

* * *

You dread two words: ear infection.

* * *

You recite the alphabet in a singsong voice. Over and over. At feeding time. Nap time. Cuddle time.

* * *

You take your baby to the doctor because of this weird thing on her thumb, only to learn it's a callus caused by thumb-sucking.

* * *

You worry how to keep your baby safe in an unsafe world.

* * *

You try to convince yourself that being late is the new on-time. Honestly, you're proud of yourself if you show up at all.

* * *

You feel you have to convince the cranky nurse at the pediatrician's office that your child is the sickest three-month-old on the planet.

* * *

You gently hold and rock a baby who's screaming in your face at 100 decibels for hours. (That's equivalent to the noise of a jackhammer.)

* * *

You find the remains of a pacifier in your washing machine.

* * *

You worry about your baby's birthmark even though 80 percent of babies have them.

* * *

You ask your waiter to heat your baby's bottle for you.

* * *

You find stretch marks in places where stretch marks ought not be.

* * *

You buy your six-month-old flash cards so he won't fall behind. You're not really clear on "behind" what.

* * *

You spend hours worrying about who will take care of your baby if you're not around.

* * *

You get punched and kicked in bed by your baby and tell yourself how sweet it is.

* * *

You can change a diaper on any flat service, whether it's the hood of a car or a sibling's back.

* * *

You suffer instead of taking medication because you are breast-feeding.

* * *

You think the inventor of the rocking chair should be given the Nobel Peace Prize.

* * *

You know, by the sound of your baby's screams, when it's time to call the doctor.

* * *

You discover that your child will always get sick an hour after the doctor's office closes.

* * *

You learn a new language of initials, like MMR, DTaP, and Hib.

* * *

You leave the doctor's office in distress after your baby gets vaccinated because her crying makes you want to cry.

* * *

You realize the most important person in your pediatrician's office is the scheduling nurse. So you bring her gifts.

* * *

You catch your baby's flu. Only, you're sicker. And there's no one to take care of you.

* * *

You talk to your baby all the time. Because this is how he'll learn to talk.

* * *

You forget a baby will impact your career, your savings, and your retirement.

* * *

You strap a colicky baby in a car seat at 2:00 a.m. and drive around the block twenty-seven times in an effort to lull him to sleep.

* * *

You trade your designer purse for a diaper bag.

* * *

You begin living in a different-smelling world.

* * *

You love nap time more than your baby does.

* * *

You no longer cry over spilt milk.

* * *

You clean it up. For years.

* * *

You take comfort knowing all moms are going through the exact same things as you pass each other on the baby aisle at Walmart during a midnight diaper run.

* * *

You will sing any song, play any game, or make any silly face to get a spoonful of carrots into your baby's mouth.

* * *

You talk endlessly with other moms about teething, burping, and the latest episode of Doc McStuffins.

* * *

You feel that "doing nothing" is vastly underrated.

* * *

You desperately need to spend an hour by yourself at the hair salon, the gym, even the hardware store but miss the baby the second you're gone.

* * *

You realize cloth diapers are environmentally friendly to everything but your home environment.

* * *

You haven't left the house in weeks, and your only "friends" are the moms you follow on Instagram.

* * *

You can smell a dirty diaper a mile away.

* * *

You learn that when babies eat more, they sleep more.

* * *

You develop a need for a camcorder, a digital camera, a color printer, and a new big-screen TV so you can watch and record everything about your baby.

* * *

You begin carrying scented diaper bags.

* * *

You now buy clothes at Target instead of Neiman Marcus or Nordstrom.

* * *

You learn the hard way that boys tend to spray straight up.

* * *

You come face-to-face with the eternal quandary: what's important to my child?

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from You Know You're A Mom by Harry H. Harrison Jr.. Copyright © 2017 Harry H. Harrison Jr.. Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction, vii,
1. You Know You're a Pregnant Mom When ... That Little Line Shows Up on the Stick, and You Can't Breathe, 1,
2. You Know You're the Mom of a Baby When ... You Would Pay $1 Million for a Fifteen-Minute Nap, 19,
3. You Know You're the Mom of a Toddler When ... You Wake Up with Extra People in Your Bed, 59,
4. You Know You're a Mom of Schoolkids When ... You Find Yourself Running for PTA President — and Really Caring If You Win, 111,
5. You Know You're a Mom Working Outside the Home When ... You Quit Making Your Bed, 141,
6. You Know You're a Mom of a Teen When ... You're Not Allowed in Her Room, 157,
7. You Know You're a Mom of Adult Kids When ... They Now Worry About You, 191,