You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse--An 8- Step Program

by Suzette Haden Elgin

Overview

You can't say that to me! "Can't you do anything right?" "I can'tbelieve you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? Anddon't tell me it's a casserole, I already know that." "If youreally cared about me, you wouldn't behave this way." Soundfamiliar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of veryunpleasant language from those who are closest to us—spouses,employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use ofunanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm,insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant;it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalatingarguments and physical violence. Suzette Haden Elgin, creator ofthe "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," has developed a unique andrevolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence andeliminate it from your life—without ruining your marriage, riskingyour job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows youhow to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future abusewith:
* An 8-step program that helps you recognize the patterns of verbalabuse
* Specific language techniques that enable you to avoid escalatingarguments and break the cycle of abuse using skills you alreadypossess
* Questionnaires and diaries that help you analyze abusivesituations, evaluate your responses to them, and track yourprogress
In this book Dr. Elgin proves that verbal abuse is not caused byhuman nature, but by language. She helps you discover that you arean expert in your own language, already highly qualified to solvethis problem for yourself, quickly and forever.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780471003991
Publisher:	Wiley
Publication date:	03/10/1995
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.92(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

SUZETTE HADEN ELGIN, Ph.D., is an expert in applied psycholinguistics and the founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies. She is the author of eight "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" titles, including Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, also published by Wiley. She lives with her family near Huntsville, Arkansas.

Table of Contents

How to use this Book xv

Introduction 1

Why do we put up with it? 3

Your Personal Verbal Abuse Survey 6

Step 1: Recognizing the source of the problem 9

Scenario One 9

What’s going on here? 9

What goes wrong – and why? 13

What to do about it: Using Miller’s Law 17

Dialogues for analysis 19

Another look at Scenario One 21

Step 1 Backup 25

Sight Bites 29

Step 2: Recognizing the source of the solution 31

Scenario Two 31

What’s going on here? 32

The Basics – Defining our terms 34

What to do about it: Awareness 43

Another look at Scenario Two 49

Step 2 Backup 52

Sight Bites 54

Step 3: Recognizing that you already have everything you need to put an end to verbal violence in your life 56

Scenario Three 56

What’s going on here? 58

The grammar of verbal violence 67

What to do about it: choosing your communication strategy 68

Another look at Scenario Three 71

Step 3 Backup 75

Sight Bites 80

Step 4: Recognizing that you are an expert in your language 81

Scenario Four 81

What’s going on here? 83

You are an expert in your language 85

What to do about it: giving up the myths about verbal abuse 89

Another look at Scenario Four 91

Step 4 Backup 95

Sight Bites 102

Step 5: Understanding the two goals of verbal self-defense 104

Scenario Five 104

What’s going on here? 106

Why it matters: The link between verbal and physical violence 108

What to do about it: Recognizing abusive language 110

Another look at Scenario Five 116

Step 5 Backup 119

Sight Bites 122

Step 6: Deciding never to participate in verbal violence – and following through 125

Scenario Six 125

What’s going on here? 127

The problem of following through 129

What to do about it: Dealing with English verbal attack patterns 137

Another look at Scenario Six 140

Step 6 Backup 143

Sight Bites 146

Step 7 Maintaining your own healthy language environment 147

Scenario Seven 147

What’s going on here? 148

Language behavior is contagious 149

What to do about it: Using the Satir modes 151

Another look at Scenario Seven 160

Step 7 Backup 162

Sight Bites 167

Step 8: Taking responsibility for your own language and its consequences 168

Scenario Eight 168

What’s going on here? 169

What to do about it: Taking responsibility 171

One more technique: Following the language traffic rules 173

Another look at Scenario eight 177

Step 8 Backup 182

Sight Bite 183

Conclusion 185

The unifying metaphor in verbal abuse 186

What to do about it 186

Sight Bites 192

Bibliography 193

Index to backup material 203

Index 205

Editorial Reviews

Culling source material from her years of linguistic practice and training, Elgin (Genderspeak) offers an accessible, extremely pragmatic approach to verbal abuse. With many broad-minded and tactful suggestions for everyday use, this is an excellent resource. Through exercises and journal-writing, Elgin encourages reader to eradicate ``toxic'' language. She offers various tools like ``Miller's Law,'' which requires the listener to assume initially that whatever the speaker says is true-rather than the all-to-frequent assumption to the contrary. Elgin is objective, rehearsing the perspectives of both people in a possibly hostile exchange and reminding readers that everyone has the potential to be a verbal abuser, victim or witness. If there is a weakness, it is that while Elgin confronts the verbal abuser's tactics, her methods seem to emphasize placating abusers and rewarding them with the attention they crave. (Jan.)

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly