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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781908120304 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Oval Books |
| Publication date: | 04/01/2008 |
| Series: | Xenophobe's Guide , #11 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 92 |
| Sales rank: | 921,638 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
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Xenophobe's Guide to the English
By Antony Miall, David Milsted, Catriona Tulloch Scott
Xenophobe's Guides
Copyright © 2011 Oval ProjectsAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-908120-30-4
CHAPTER 1
Nationalism & Identity
Forewarned
The attitude of the English towards other nations is not so much xenophobia (fear of foreigners) as xenopili (pity for foreigners for having the misfortune to be, well, NOT English). As Cecil Rhodes (who gave his name to Rhodesia – today's Zimbabwe) once observed: 'To be born English is to win first prize in the lottery of life'. It is hardly surprising, then, that the English should feel a bit sorry for all the runners-up.
The last invasion of England was perpetrated 900 years ago by the Normans. They settled, they worked hard, they tried to integrate and fit in, they tried to share their wisdom and experience with the locals. They failed. The English did what they do best. They ignored the funny cooking smells, the unfamiliar clothes and peculiar accents and set about the long, slow, arduous task of turning the invaders into Englishmen. It took centuries of course, but it worked. 'Norman' is no longer a name redolent of invasion and locking up one's daughters: it is a quintessentially English first name.
The Venetian Ambassador, Andreas Trevisano, visiting London in 1497 made the following observation about the English:
'They do not believe that there are any other people than themselves, or any other world than England: and whenever they see some handsome foreigner, they say, 'He looks like an Englishman,' or, 'What a pity he is not English.'
These days the English are not as unanimous in this view as they once were, some regarding England as a place to escape from at every opportunity, but the majority remain innately mistrustful of 'abroad' – dodgy food, dodgy water, dodgy plumbing, and, worst of all, dodgy foreigners.
Geography reinforces this belief as the inhabitants look out to the sea all around them from the fastness of their 'tight little island'. Nobody would ever question the aptness of the newspaper headline: 'Fog in the Channel – Continent cut off.'
This insular mind-set is what you are up against. It is useless to imagine that you can succeed in penetrating it when so many have failed. But since the English take a perverse pride in acknowledging a total lack of understanding of foreigners, it would be gratifying to gain a tactical advantage by understanding them.
How they see themselves
The English see themselves as law abiding, courteous, tolerant, decent, generous, gallant, steadfast and fair. They also take pride in their self-deprecatory sense of humour which they see as the ultimate proof of their good nature.
Though they put themselves down in public, in their heart of hearts they believe the English to be superior to all other nations, and are convinced that all other nations secretly know that they are. In a perfect world, the English suspect that everyone would like to be more like them.
The English are convinced that the best things in life originate in England or have been improved there. Even their weather, though it may not be pleasant, is far more interesting than anyone else's, and is always full of surprises.
They are also convinced, with some justification, that no-one really understands them. In the words of one of their much loved song -writers, Michael Flanders:
'The English are moral, the English are good,
And clever, and modest, and misunderstood.'
This claim to be misunderstood is not to be seen as a plea for understanding. They do not want to be understood – such intimacy would be an invasion of their privacy.
How they think others see them
The English are dimly aware of foreign criticism but feel it should not be taken too seriously. They are used to being seen as stereotypes and prefer it that way: they don't mind in the least that England is seen as peopled by bowler-hatted city types, football hooligans, silly-ass nobility and cheeky cockneys, all meeting at an ancient pub for a pint of warm beer.
How others actually see them
Mostly they are seen as a relic of the glory days of the past when they were major players in the European sport of empire building.
They are also perceived as hidebound, prejudiced and unco -operative – a people who live in a land of costume dramas, shrouded in grey skies, sustained by deep fried sausages.
Foreign residents come to respect the English for their refusal to make a fuss and their adherence to personal principles, but remain forever bewildered by their uncomplaining attitude towards the shoddy and the second-rate, and see their concern with manners as a substitute for personal style. The emphasis on table etiquette alone is a mystery in a country of people who are more than a little challenged in matters culinary.
How they would like to be seen
The English pride themselves on their sense of fair play, and rather assume that it is recognised and generally admired by all. They would like to be loved and appreciated for what they see as their sterling qualities. These attributes, which they bring selflessly to the world forum, include a reflex action which leads them to champion the underdog and treat persecutors with a firm hand, truthfulness, and a commitment never to break a promise or to go back on their word. Foreigners are expected to understand that if an Englishman hasn't kept his word, there is a very good reason for it.
If possible, try to find it in your heart to be charitable about these and other beliefs, even if you believe them to be delusions. Aside from anything else, the moment you disagree with their vision of themselves, most English will take your side and agree with you. Respect for the underdog, you see.
How they see each other
Nowhere is the English people's instinctive distrust of the unfamiliar more clearly seen than in their attitude to the denizens of their own country.
Since time immemorial there has been a North-South divide in England. To the Southerner, civilization ends somewhere around the Watford Gap (just north of London). Beyond that point, he believes, the inhabitants are all ruddier in complexion, more hairy, blunt to the point of rudeness, and obsessed with stew – all of which he generously puts down to the cooler climate.
In the North they caution their children with tales of the deviousness of the inhabitants 'down South'. They point to their softness, their fussy food and their airy-fairiness on all matters of importance.
Nevertheless, any English person no matter how hairy or soft, is entitled to special treatment. You only see faults in people you care about so, in a way, this continual criticism of each other is actually a display of affection.
When it comes to their neighbours in the British Isles, the English are in absolutely no doubt as to their own predominance. This they see as no petty prejudice but rather as a scientific observation. The Irish are not to be trusted because they are too feckless, the Scots are not to be trusted because (though clever) they are too careful with money, and the Welsh are simply not to be trusted.
However, the Irish, the Scots and the Welsh should take heart. To most of the English they are not quite as foreign as their cousins across the Channel. They should also remember that 'foreign-ness' for the English tends to start at the end of their own street.
How they see others
The English do like many individuals who are foreign since they generally know at least one foreigner who is almost 'one of us'. But there are very few nations they either trust or take seriously. Take the French. The French and the English have been sparring partners for so long that the English have developed a kind of love -hate relationship with them. They love France: they love its food and wine and thoroughly approve of its climate. They have a subconscious historical belief that the French have no right to be living in France at all, to the extent that thousands of English try annually to turn areas of France into little corners of Surrey.
However, the actual French are perceived as a bit too excitable for any people with ambitions on the world stage. It is thought that a few more decades of English influence would improve them no end.
With the Germans the English are less equivocal. Germans are regimented, far too serious, and inclined to bullying; they have not even the saving grace of culinary skill. The Italians are too emotional; the Spanish cruel to bulls; the Russians are gloomy; the Dutch solid and sensible; the Scandinavians, Belgians and Swiss, dull. All oriental peoples are inscrutable and dangerous. The Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis and Sri Lankans are put in a special category: they play cricket.
The rest of the world the English see as a playground: a series of interlocking peoples, customs and cultures all of which can be enjoyed, used, or discarded as the whim takes them. Their own experience has taught them to expect the worst of any situation, be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen, and slightly gratified with their own sensible misgivings if it does.
Special relationships
There are several favoured nations with whom the English feel a special affinity. They have close ties with the Australians, despite their disconcerting lack of restraint, the Kiwis, who have model manners but an annoying tendency to thrash them at rugby, and the Canadians, who elicit sympathy for being weighed down by permanent snow and being constantly mistaken for Americans.
The English like Americans. They like their 'can do' attitude, and their open natures. In many ways they would probably like them even more if only they didn't insist on being quite so ... well ... American. Deep down, the English regard Americans as English people who turned into something else as the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding, and who would be a lot happier if they just had the sense to turn back again. Then they could start talking 'proper' English.
The English watch the participants on American television 'confess-it-all' shows with fascinated disbelief. They blame falling standards in their own cultural life on American influence, despite being hooked on their television sitcoms and series.
Americans have money and power and that makes any relationship special. But a smug feeling will always remain that having a history that goes back a bit further than the day before yesterday is a sign of a superior culture.
CHAPTER 2Character
Individualism
Whoever called the English 'the Island Race' only got it half right. Every English person is his or her own island. Only wars unite the English, and over the years they have become quite good at them. But natural modesty demands they should always look like losing until just before the end. It makes victory that much sweeter, and really annoys the loser.
English island mentality takes the form of a well-developed sense of individual personal freedom. They are fond of their rights, especially the right to privacy and the right to preserve one's personal space. This is an area surrounding each individual, which it is not good manners to invade.
English people will leave a step between themselves and the next person on an escalator even when it's crowded, or a vacant seat between themselves and their neighbour in the cinema, even when they know that in due course they are certain to be asked to move along to make more room. This has nothing to do with a morbid fear of body odour, it is more an extension of the 'an -Englishman's-home-is-his-castle' belief. Think of it as an invisible moat. Learn to shake hands at long distance.
Keeping a stiff upper lip
This characteristic pose involves keeping the head held high (pride), the upper lip stiff (to avoid the visible tremble which betrays emotion), and the best foot forward (determination). In this position, conversation is difficult and intimacy of any kind almost impossible. But it portrays the presence of that attribute which the English were traditionally expected to project – absolute self-control.
It is acceptable to show one's feelings at football matches, funerals, or when welcoming home someone thought to have been dead. At all other times the English find a display of emotion disconcerting, though it is more acceptable if the perpetrator looks suitably embarrassed afterwards.
In recent years, however, there have been a increasing number of public occasions at which the English have allowed themselves to become positively Mediterranean.
Moderation
Moderation means a lot to the English, even to those who are incapable of moderate behaviour themselves. No matter how they behave personally, they share a fundamental dislike of anyone else behaving in a manner that 'goes too far'.
'Going too far' in polite society means displaying an excess of emotion, getting hopelessly drunk or cracking off-colour jokes and then laughing at them immoderately.
Creating a scene in public is altogether unacceptable. The English consider that anyone who does so is automatically in the wrong, even if they are actually in the right.
The whole business of making a fuss has its own vocabulary, guilty parties being said to be creating a 'to do', a hullabaloo, a palaver, a kerfuffle, a song and dance – all of which are seen as socially undesirable.
When confronted by a kerfuffle in a public place such as a bus, English people will mostly duck down behind their newspapers and pretend it isn't happening. Extreme outbursts, such as road rage or football hooliganism, will incur a chorus of disapproval. Despite such behaviour being quite common, it is still perceived as un-English.
The admired way to behave in almost all situations is to display a languid indifference. Even in affairs of the heart, it is considered unseemly to show too much enthusiasm.
Paradoxically, the sentence 'This time you/he/she/they have gone too far' is the unmistakable prelude to a great deal of immoderate behaviour on the part of the speaker, who will then undoubtedly go too far him- or herself.
Two-facedness
With their emotions buttoned up and their composure in place, the English present a reassuring consistency to each other and the world at large. Underneath this calm exterior, however, there seethes a primitive unruliness which they have never quite been able to master. Climate has a lot to do with it. Heat waves bring out the beast in the English. Cold and drizzle calm them down.
There is an illogical relationship between the head and the heart. English people are capable of admiring something without enjoying it, and enjoying something they suspect is fundamentally reprehensible.
Such two-facedness in the English character prompts the most common criticism of them – that they are hypocrites. They certainly appear to be, but appearances can be deceptive. The English believe that even the truth has two sides.
CHAPTER 3Attitudes & Values
Common sense
Common sense is central to the English attitude to almost everything in life. It is just plain common sense to carry an umbrella in case of rain. It is common sense not to sit on cold stone (which can give you haemorrhoids). It is common sense to wear clean underwear in case you are run over and taken to hospital. True to the maxim of the Boy Scouts' creator, Baden Powell, the English consider it common sense to 'Be prepared' at all times.
To fall foul of changing circumstances is inexcusable. Every plan for an outdoor event will have its indoor alternative in case the worst comes to the worst. Even accounting systems have a line for 'Contingencies'. The fact that when they sit down to a business meeting the English are more likely than any other nation not to be prepared for it does not deter them from believing that common sense will usually prevail.
Not showing off
Even if you have conquered the Atlantic in a small boat, if you are English you are expected to say no more of your achievement than to murmur: "I do a little sailing from time to time."
To force English people to trumpet their accomplishments or, for that matter, to show off your own is to make them feel uncomfortable. But should you subtly indicate that you are aware of their achievements, or admit that you have dabbled a bit yourself, they will modestly acknowledge the praise and enquire after your accomplishments.
Minding your own business
English people believe in minding their own business. Few outsiders understand how deeply ingrained this belief is.
The queue is one of the few places where the English allow themselves to talk to each other without having been formally introduced. The other places are when taking the dog for a walk, or the scene of any serious catastrophe, like an accident. However it needs to be firmly understood that any friendships made in such circumstances must remain outside with the dogs, or stop when rescue arrives. Being trapped with a group of English people in, say, a train in a tunnel, might result in community singing, even the exchange of confidences, but it is not an invitation to more permanent intimacy. When, after such an experience, English people say: 'We really must meet again' – you are not meant to believe it.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Xenophobe's Guide to the English by Antony Miall, David Milsted, Catriona Tulloch Scott. Copyright © 2011 Oval Projects. Excerpted by permission of Xenophobe's Guides.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Title Page,Nationalism & Identity,
Character,
Attitudes & Values,
Behaviour,
Manners & Etiquette,
Customs & Tradition,
Obsessions,
Leisure & Pleasure,
Sense of Humour,
Health & Hygiene,
Eating & Drinking,
Culture,
Systems,
Crime, Punishment & Law,
Government,
Business,
Language,
Conversation,
About the Author,
Copyright,