Read an Excerpt
Winning After Losing
Keep Off the Weight You've Lost-Forever
By Stacey Halprin Warner Wellness
Copyright © 2007 Stacey Halprin
All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-446-58039-7
Chapter One
STEP 1 Celebrate Your Success Say Hello to the New You
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. -Marcel Proust
I adjusted my red sweater so that it rested just off my shoulders and my thoughts drifted back to my old fantasy of being a size 6 that used to replay in my mind every time I was about to start a new diet. Cherished as the fantasy was, I am very happy being who I am today. No way a size 6-not even my feet are a 6-but I've lost enough weight that I can rest a small object in the little nook in my collarbone. Now as I check out my reflection in the mirror I can't help thinking about how much my life has changed.
When I slimmed down to a svelte 190 my world turned upside down. (Yes, I said slim. Let's face it, when you were 500-plus pounds for most of your life, 190 is bikini weight.) Whether you've lost fifteen pounds, fifty, or a hundred, now that you have lost weight, you are probably seeing yourself, other people, and the world in a different light. This stranger in a strange land sensation can totally take you by surprise and trigger a wide range of emotions. Any time you make a big change, you need time to adjust to the new you. For example, for the first year or so after I lostweight, whenever people offered to pick me up and give me a ride somewhere, I'd ask them if I could fit in their car. I wish I had photos of the looks on their faces! It was hilarious when I asked that question to people who never knew me when I was heavy because they were so bewildered by the question that they had no idea what to say. After a pregnant pause, they gave me answers that had nothing to do with my size. They'd say things like, "I have a sedan," or "There's only four of us going. There will plenty of room." Every now and again, I still catch myself having those kinds of concerns because I don't always remember what size I am now.
Even though I've kept my excess weight off for more than five years, I'm still afraid that I could gain it all back. When I look in the mirror, I can still see the woman who couldn't fit in an airplane seat. I can still feel her enormous shadow looming over me. She is a force to be reckoned with and she's always right behind me. If you have a fat shadow chasing you, you'll be glad to know that this chapter is the first step toward a brighter future. As I've said, the secret to winning is to work from the inside out, which is difficult for a "beauty maven"! But it's impossible to do it in reverse, and have it last.
Step 1 is about letting go of the old you and celebrating the new you. In this chapter you will look at the way your life is changing now that you've shed your weight, and begin learning how to set better boundaries and speak your truth, instead of swallowing it. You will also learn how to deal with stress and how to expand your focus from your body to a much bigger picture so you can have a love affair with the world.
The Old You and the New You
Ready? Okay, let's go. The first step in winning after losing is appreciating and celebrating the new you. Easier said than done, no? But you have to know who you were when you were heavier and who you are now. Are your hopes, dreams, and goals the same as they were the day you started to lose weight? Or have they changed? You need to go over this in your mind and really be clear about it. Life has a way of changing things when you least expect it. Having this awareness will give you a chance to set some new goals and applaud yourself for those you have already achieved.
Just about everyone who's lost weight knows that the number of pounds they've shed isn't as important or impressive as how long they've kept them off. So whether you've been maintaining for one day, ten years, or more, every day of success is worth celebrating! Every new thing you get to experience as a result of having a healthy, fit body is also worth celebrating, and so are the things you couldn't do when you were heavier that you're able to do again now. Whether that means being able to zip up your favorite jeans, walk up a flight of stairs without losing your breath, or fit more comfortably into an airplane seat, it's important to give yourself credit and appreciate your success. Members of the Winners' Circle shared the following list of things that they feel most proud of. See how many of these examples you can celebrate and make your own list in your Winners' Circle Workbook!
Winners' Circle Accomplishments
Petra-Self-control.
Paul-Attractive women smile at me instead of looking right through me.
Sherry-My health. I just had an excellent health report from my doctor.
Margaret-I look in the mirror and love the person I see there.
Joey-I felt sorry for the old me, but I didn't like him that much. I love who I am today.
Emily-I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am able to walk without losing my breath.
Stephanie-I'm proud that at the age of fifty-seven, I still get mistaken for being my daughter's sister rather than her mother. And unlike many of my friends who are my age, I have no serious health problems.
Jande-I realized I used to have no integrity with myself. Now I'm accountable to myself, and that feels really good.
Mark-I used to think that if I lost weight my life would have too many restrictions. It's unbelievable to me that I actually have so much more freedom. I'm proud that I made myself lose weight, even though I didn't know then how much fun being healthy and in shape would be.
Vicki-I feel proud that my body is healthy and that I am more fit and toned than ever before. From a purely cosmetic perspective, I also love the way I look in my clothes.
Yvonne-I like having a closet of size 4s and 6s. Best of all, I feel very confident in any social setting. I'm not embarrassed about taking pictures anymore and I feel confident in a bathing suit-in public!
Larry-I'm proud that all my friends are continually amazed by my ability to take it off and keep it off. I am healthier and feel better. My endurance and stamina are fabulous, and I don't need to keep buying larger clothes!
Karen-Even when everything else in my life spins out of control (as it is now!) I am able to maintain control over my body.
Dawn-I have been able to complete three half marathons, and I have so much more self-confidence than I used to.
Patrick-I look at exercise and maintaining my weight as a personal challenge and a constant process for me to keep striving and improving myself.
Florence-I love the way I look and feel, and even though life always presents challenges, I feel strong enough to face them and do what I need to do.
Acknowledge Your Support Team
In addition to celebrating yourself, this is the perfect time to appreciate and celebrate all the people who have helped you make it to this point. Make a list of everyone, from your partner to your friends, kids, coworkers, neighbors, relatives, and pets, who has played a part in your success. Thank each of them for their contribution to your personal growth and weight loss. In some cases you'll be thanking them for what they did and in other cases you'll be thanking them for what they didn't do. "Thank you for taking care of the kids so I could go to the gym." "Thank you for not bringing home potato chips or ice cream!" You'll probably find that many of the people who supported you while you were losing weight will also be willing to play a supportive role in your weight maintenance. The maintenance battle is rarely won alone, so welcome the people who love you to help you to keep winning. (In chapter 3, you'll have a chance to recruit your Winning Team.)
Aside from the people in your daily life, you might also want to participate in some online discussion groups or chat rooms for people who are losing or who have lost weight. Sometimes it's easier to share what you're thinking and how you're feeling with people who don't know you. There's something to be said for being anonymous!
Before and After
As a starting point to seeing the similarities and differences between the old and the new you, Dr. Jane Greer suggests that you answer the following questions to give you a snapshot image of who you were and who you are now. She says, "Relax and let whatever thoughts pop into your mind guide you to your answers. Usually the first thing that crosses your mind points you in the right direction."
The Old Me
I used to see myself as: Most of all I wanted to be: More than anything, I wanted to be able to: Every day I hoped: If I had one wish it would have been: My favorite dream for my future was:
The New Me
Now I see myself as: Most of all I want to be: More than anything, I want to be able to: Today I hope: Now I wish: My favorite dream for my future is:
Your own answers to those questions are the only ones that matter, but I'm sharing Marlene's answers to give you an example of how to do the exercise. Marlene has been in the Winners' Circle for three years.
The Old Me
I used to see myself as: shy and unsociable
Most of all I wanted to be: liked and accepted
More than anything, I wanted to be able to: feel good about myself
Every day I hoped: something would happen to give me the strength to lose weight
If I had one wish it would have been: to be thin
My favorite dream for my future was: going to my twenty-year class reunion as a size 6
The New Me
Now I see myself as: confident and friendly
Most of all I want to be: healthy, mentally and physically
More than anything, I want to be able to: reach the career goals I set for myself
Today I hope: I live long enough to do all the things I want to do
Now I wish: I could help everyone who is overweight to experience the freedom and natural high of being in good shape and in control
My favorite dream for my future is: to keep living every day as if it's my first and my last!
Shedding the Invisibility Cloak
I knew my invisibility cloak was gone when a cab driver dodged three lanes of traffic to pull over and pick me up. In the past, I would watch one empty cab after another drive right by as if I wasn't there. (Imagine, if you will, being invisible at 500 pounds. It's an oxymoron, like the term "jumbo shrimp"!) The differences in the way people treated me once I lost weight were probably gradual changes, but I remember feeling like it happened overnight. One day people avoided making eye contact with me and the next day they were smiling at me and starting conversations for no apparent reason. One day when I was walking down a street in Manhattan by myself, a good-looking guy bought flowers from a street vendor and gave them to me along with a compliment and his phone number. That blew my mind.
Both the men and the women in the Winners' Circle know how dramatic it can be to go from being invisible to getting noticed, and not only by strangers and acquaintances, but also by family and friends. Even though they agree that most of the new attention is positive, some of them struggle with it because it makes them feel more vulnerable and exposed. Others have faced new challenges because their partners feel threatened by their new level of attractiveness, or the jealously of siblings and friends has driven a wedge into what used to be close relationships. Former "eating buddies" feel rejected by their thinner friends' new way of life and sometimes try to deliver them back into the jaws of temptation by showing up with cakes, pies, and junk food. We'll cover the emotional aspects of dating and navigating close relationships without your invisibility cloak in chapter 3, but for now, I think you'll appreciate hearing a little about what your peers and mentors in the Winners' Circle have experienced.
Mark said, "When women started checking me out, at first I would turn around to see who they were looking at, or I'd discreetly check my zipper because I thought maybe my fly was open. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I did that for a few months. I was fat for the first thirty years of my life, so when women started smiling at me and sometimes even flirting, I had no idea what to do. I felt like a schoolboy all over again, and not in a good way!"
Joshua, who had been married for ten years, said his wife Sheila had a very hard time with his new visibility. "I was in shape when we got married, but after years of having a desk job and hardly ever working out, I gained about twenty-five pounds. After I lost weight, Sheila noticed that other women-attractive women-were checking me out. A couple of times when we were in nightclubs, other women hit on me right in front of her. But instead of being mad at them, she took it out on me, like I was somehow asking for the attention and advances. Sheila is gorgeous and has no reason to be jealous of anyone, but for the first year after I lost weight, I think she sort of wished I'd put it back on. She's settled down now, but she still doesn't like it when other women look at me with open admiration."
Some of the married women said they felt very uncomfortable making eye contact with men when they first lost weight because they didn't want to be tempted by the attention from attractive men and they didn't want to lead them on. Paula said, "I was worried that after I lost weight I'd have to deal with men's advances, but not one man came knocking on my door! Sometimes I could see men checking me out, but none of them ever came up and talked to me or asked me out. It was funny in a way because that was one of the things I worried most about before I lost weight, and since it never happened, I worried about it for nothing." Karen, a happily married woman in the Winners' Circle, said she wasn't concerned because she knew that whatever happened, she wouldn't stray from her marriage, so she was able to relax and enjoy the compliments. She said, "More men hit on me now and it's the more attractive men, not the slobs who think that because a woman is fat she'll be honored to be honked at or whistled at by anyone."
Kathy, who has been married for fourteen years, said, "For the past five years, when I was at my heaviest, my husband had every excuse for not making love with me. When he started paying attention to me again, and making moves to get me back into bed with him, I felt happy and pissed off at the same time. It was really confusing. I mean, there I was the same person I'd always been, but when I was forty pounds heavier, he could hardly look into my eyes or kiss me. It took a few months of couples' therapy to get us back on track and to help me get over my feelings of anger and rejection. It was worth every hour and dollar we put into it. All I can say is that staying stuck in your anger isn't any better than staying stuck in your fat. Find a way to get over it and get on with what's most important to you. Now when my husband checks me out or when he gives me a whistle or a wink, I love it and I don't hesitate to make the most of the moment."
Most of the single women ate up the new attention they got from men, but some of them said it scared them because it made them want to pursue every opportunity and some were worried that they'd throw all caution to the wind and take chances they knew they shouldn't take. Kim said, "The first few times that handsome men hit on me, I wanted to strip my clothes off right then and there. The reaction was so intense that it sort of freaked me out. I won't go into details, but I will say that I did some really stupid and careless things in those first few months! One of my close girlfriends said I was acting like I was a teenager again and she didn't mean it as a compliment. One of my older brothers told me I was dressing like a hooker. That pissed me off so much that I wouldn't talk to him for a few days. But eventually the comments from people I trusted started adding up, and I had to admit I was out of control. I'm just lucky that I finally got ahold of myself before anything really bad happened."
Gina said she lost two of her best friends along with the extra pounds. She said, "One of them was heavy and we used to pig out together and she's still into that, so I can sort of understand why she doesn't want to go out with me anymore and sit there eating a whole pizza herself while I have a salad and a diet Coke. It still bothers me, though, because I never judged her or said she should lose weight. Just because I don't want to eat like that anymore doesn't mean that I'm putting her down for doing it. I have no idea what happened with my other good friend. She's always been thinner and prettier than me, even now, so it can't be jealousy. We used to hang out, go to movies together, and talk on the phone for hours sometimes. Now whenever I call her she always says she's busy and has this or that she has to do and she says she'll call me soon, but she never does."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Winning After Losing by Stacey Halprin Copyright © 2007 by Stacey Halprin. Excerpted by permission.
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