Table of Contents
Intro 6
Why my cat is more impressive than your baby 12
A cat enjoys a whiskey 30
Deer diary-part one 32
Buried emotions 34
Reincarnation 35
How to tell if your cat thinks you're not that big of a deal 36
Dentist cat 42
Why haven't you had kids yet? 43
How to be a dog vs how to be a baby 44
Leaving the house 46
How to cuddle like you mean it 48
Lost 50
Shark cat 52
Trust 54
Cat Vs baby, tactical analysis 56
Wet food 58
Group therapy 60
How to use a selfie stick in public 61
The batteries of introversion 62
Laser pointer 64
Cop cat 66
The bottom of the food bowl 68
Toot baby 70
Wrestling 72
Lawyer cat 73
Corgi babies 74
No one likes selfies 80
Pigeon cease-fire 82
A trip to the Vet 83
Bro cat wants to bro down 84
Diaper cat 86
Travis goes to space 87
I wish you were big enough to hug 88
Dear diary-part two 90
Pilot cat 92
The dog at 3 a.m. 94
Seagulls 95
The two speeds of dogs and babies 96
Stand-up comedy 98
The problem with car seats 100
Travis up a tree 102
How to comfortably sleep next to your cat 104
Sneezing vs tooting 110
Cheating cat 111
How to walk a human being 112
Social media cat 124
How to hold a baby 126
I can hear the universe changing 128
How much do cats actually kill? 130
Interview cat 138
Stop staring 139
Sherlock Pigeon 140
Witness me 141
Ten ways to befriend a misanthropic cat 142
Dear diary-part three 150
About the author 153
Epilogue-kitty convict 154
