Why Don't You Understand?: Using the 4 Thinking Styles to Improve Family Communication

by Susie Leonard Weller, Elizabeth Wagele (Illustrator)

Overview

Arguing that how people think and how they naturally prefer to communicate is inborn, this study demystifies recent research to explain why some relationships function so smoothly while others are a constant struggle. Susie Weller describes the four distinct ways the human brain gathers and processes information—emphasizing that none is better than the others—and shows how readers can strengthen their least favorite thinking style in order to communicate more effectively with others. This skill can then be applied to any number of relationships, including parenting.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781936903160
Publisher:	Parenting Press, Inc.
Publication date:	01/01/2009
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	144
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Susie Leonard Weller teaches parenting education for the Community Colleges of Spokane, and writes and leads workshops. She lives in Spokane, Washington. Elizabeth Wagele is a cartoonist, an artist, and the author of Finding the Birthday Cake: Helping Children Raise Their Self-Esteem and The Happy Introvert: A Wild and Crazy Guide for Celebrating Your True Self. She lives in Berkeley, California.

Read an Excerpt

Why Don't You Understand?

Improve Family Communication with the 4 Thinking Styles

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By Susie Leonard Weller, Elizabeth Wagele

Parenting Press, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 Parenting Press, Inc.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-936903-16-0

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CHAPTER 1

Strengthen Your Parenting with Whole Brain ®Thinking

Are you tired of arguing with your partner about who's too tough or soft on the kids? Do your children play "Divide and Conquer" because they know which parent is more lenient? While you're cooking and cleaning, do you resent the other parent relaxing and playing with the kids? Is one parent passive and detached, while the other is screaming with frustration?

Brain Discovery

Many family squabbles are linked to biological differences in how our brains are wired.

Being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love! Some days are more enjoyable than others. What works with one person often doesn't apply to another. Most parents have great intentions to provide the best environment for their family, but differences of opinion arise about which is the best way.

Even the recommendations of parenting experts swing from one extreme to another:

• "Hold firm and use logical consequences."

• "Be responsive to your children's emotional needs."

• "Spend time playing with your children, encouraging them to explore new things."

• "Maintain a consistent routine and structure so that children know what to expect."

The reality is all of these admonitions are valid, because there's more than one way to raise your child. In fact, there are four major thinking styles that shape how you parent and all are legitimate and represented in the recommendations above.

Meet the Whole Brain® Thinking Styles

Researchers have discovered that each of the two brain hemispheres is divided by natural fissures. Smaller lobes within the hemispheres create four major divisions of cerebral tissue. You've probably heard of left or right brain thinking. In addition, people use an intellectual or an instinctual approach to how they make decisions.

Ned Herrmann, developer of the Whole Brain model, describes the brain as being like a house with four rooms. The two upstairs rooms concentrate on problem solving or seeking new solutions. These are called the Logical and Creative thinking styles. The two downstairs rooms focus on handling everyday realities for survival. They are called the Practical and Relational thinking styles. Although parents might enjoy spending time in some rooms more than others, parents using Whole Brain® thinking can adapt their style to the needs of the moment whenever necessary.

Looking from top to bottom in the drawing above, the Logical and Practical styles are left brain. The Creative and Relational styles are right brain.

Looking from side to side, the Logical and Creative styles emphasize intellect. The Practical and Relational styles emphasize instinct.

Both men and women use all four Whole Brain thinking styles. The examples on page 10 show some characteristics of each style.

A Whole Brain approach to parenting uses all four thinking styles whenever they're needed. Most parents consistently use only two of the four styles. "Half brain" parenting dismisses the other two styles as invalid or is unaware of them.

Review the dialogue in the Preface with the husband, daughter, and wife. Apply your new knowledge of thinking styles to their argument. Can you guess which styles the dad and mom prefer, respectively? In this case, the dad blends the styles of Logical Leon and Practical Pedro. The mom integrates the qualities of Relational Rachel and Creative Chloe. In other couples, the roles might be reversed or have other combinations.

People of opposite styles are often attracted to each other because diversity leads to a complete brain between them. Together, opposites create a balanced perspective. Logical Leon and Relational Rachel's daughter would benefit by learning from all four parenting styles.

She would learn from the Logical Parent how to:

• Be responsible: fix her car

• Achieve her goals: get good grades in school

From the Practical Parent she would learn how to:

• Follow through: complete her chores and homework

• Manage her time: balance competing priorities

From the Relational Parent she would learn how to:

• Be flexible: have fun at the game and do her work

• Negotiate: know how and who to talk to in order to get what she wants

From the Creative Parent she would learn how to:

• Take time for fun: appreciate developing new hobbies

• Discover creative solutions: brainstorm mutually satisfying alternatives

Parents learn to apply the "Three Ps of Whole Brain Parenting" by:

• Providing balanced parenting that includes structure with nurture, as well as play with problem solving.

• Protecting family members from constant stress: a stressed brain is overly sensitive to being controlled by emotions rather than higher thinking.

• Promoting habits that nurture Whole Brain creativity and encourage family fun.

What's Your Whole Brain® Thinking Style?

Using Whole Brain thinking is like looking at a puzzle and discovering how all the pieces fit together. Begin by identifying your thinking style and those of your partner, children, friends, and co-workers.

Adapted from the Whole Brain model with permission from Herrmann International

The following informal quiz will provide a quick indication of your thinking style preferences. For a more thorough, validated assessment based on the Whole Brain model, contact Herrmann International, listed in the Resources section on page 21.

Take a Thinking Style Quiz

After reading each statement, circle the letter of the response that best describes you. There are no right or wrong answers. Choose your preferences, not just what you're good at doing.

1. When you were a child, what did you like to do?

A. Take things apart

B. Organize things

C. Play with others

D. Make up own games

2. What was your favorite subject in school?

A. Math

B. History

C. Drama

D. Art

3. How did you spend your time at school?

A. Focused on getting good grades or other achievements

B. Studied hard and followed the rules

C. Socialized with friends

D. Daydreamed a lot

4. How would your friends describe you when you were in school?

A. Competitive or a natural leader

B. Hard worker

C. Helpful

D. Free Spirit or Rebel

5. As a child, how did your maintain your bedroom?

A. Precisely arranged, with any awards prominently displayed

B. Tidy, with clothes put away in drawers and closets

C. Walls decorated with photos and sentimental keepsakes

D. Things bundled in piles on the floor and on top of the desk or dresser

6. What books do you enjoy reading?

A. Science and technology-related books

B. Historical novels or how-to guides

C. Romance or travel stories

D. Adventure or fantasy

7. How do you spend your free time?

A. Building things

B. Playing cards and collecting things

C. Social activities

D. Watching movies

8. What kinds of clothes do you like to wear?

A. Name brand and appropriate to the situation

B. Practical and easy to maintain

C. Comfortable and casual

D. Trendy and unique

9. What kinds of activities do you like to do on vacation?

A. Competitive or sports related

B. Planned trips or tours

C. Visit with family and friends

D. Risk taking or adventurous activities

10. How would you describe your office or work area?

A. Just what I need, efficiently laid out

B. Filed and categorized

C. Personal and possibly cluttered

D. Stacks and often messy

11. At work, what kinds of activities do you like to do?

A. Work with numbers or data

B. Get things done, follow routines

C. Help or teach others

D. Create something new

12. How do you typically handle a conflict?

A. Seek to win; focus on facts

B. Restate the rules or past agreements

C. Seek a mutually satisfying solution

D. Create another option

13. Which do you value more?

A. Being clear and logical

B. Being reliable and thorough

C. Being warm and friendly

D. Being playful and original

14. What do others say when they criticize you?

A. You're too hard-hearted

B. You're in a rut

C. You're too emotional

D. You're too idealistic

15. If you could only use one word to describe yourself, what would you say?

A. I'm realistic

B. I'm practical

C. I'm caring

D. I'm playful

16. How would you describe your cooking style?

A. Measure precisely

B. Follow proven recipes

C. Accommodate to respect others' tastes

D. Improvise recipes

17. How is your home or apartment decorated?

A. Sleek, technical equipment

B. Orderly, with collectibles neatly displayed

C. Family pictures, plants, and comfortable spaces

D. Unique textures, colors, and designs

18. How do you prefer others to communicate with you?

A. Be brief and get to the point

B. Give enough details and step-by-step directions

C. Listen, encourage, and respect my needs

D. Provide an overview and use visual metaphors

19. What do you most consider when you're making a decision?

A. Factual research

B. Practical application

C. Impact on people

D. Innovative solutions

20. What kind of questions do you typically ask?

A. What?

B. When?

C. Who?

D. Why?

Tallying Your Quiz Results

Count the number of each letter circled and write it in the appropriate box below.

As: 11 or more = Logical

Bs: 11 or more = Practical

Cs: 11 or more = Relational

Ds: 11 or more = Creative

1. Notice which letter has the most descriptions circled.

2. Are there two columns with a similar amount?

3. Which letter has the least number of descriptions circled?

Brain Discovery

"In PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scans, the hemisphere in charge of a particular task — left or right, front or back — glowed more brightly. ... The scans show that our brains expend differing amounts of energy depending on the task we are performing and whether it matches what our brain does easily."

What Does Your Quiz Score Mean?

The letter with the most descriptions circled is your dominant thinking style. You might have the same number of circles under two letters, as does about 60% of the population based on research done by Ned Herrmann, using the HBDI (see page 21). He also found that some 30% have three areas of strength. Only 7% have a single preference; these people are often experts in their field. The remaining 3% can easily use all four thinking styles, and they are usually generalists, rather than specialists.

Notice which letter(s) has the least number of descriptions circled. Could this (these) be an area of avoidance? Are you able to easily use the skills from this style(s) when needed?

Identifying thinking styles is not intended to label or box anyone into only one style of thinking. It simply helps people to recognize that there are biochemical advantages of working with their innate preferences.

Thinking styles that share the same brain hemisphere — left (A and B) or right brain (C and D) — find it easier to communicate. Or they may share an upper hemisphere intellectual emphasis, like Logicals and Creatives (A and D), compared to the lower hemisphere instinctual focus of Practicals and Relationals (B and C). That's why some friends seem to click from the very beginning.

Diagonally opposite thinking styles often struggle to communicate with each other. For example, Logicals and Relationals (A and C) are opposites. So, too, are the Practicals and the Creatives (B and D). Remember, the brain requires 100% more glucose energy to shift your thinking. When you mentally move diagonally to the opposite brain quadrant, it will take more energy and effort. This explains why we feel exhausted when talking with some people and energized when talking with others.

At times, the top two thinking preferences can create an internal conflict. For example, those who are strong in both the Logical and Relational (A and C) or Practical and Creative (B and D) thinking styles feel pulled in two directions. Their strength is blending contradictory perspectives. Their challenge is feeling drained when reconciling these paradoxes.

Learning about thinking styles has given me a new perspective on family conflicts. Previously, I felt like the odd person out because my husband and children approached life differently than I did. Imagine my surprise when I discovered our thinking styles — especially under stress — were diagonal opposites. No wondered we argued. Now, instead of taking style preferences personally, I accept them as biological variations in how our brains are wired. Respecting thinking styles has helped me to get along better with family members, as well as friends and co-workers. I appreciate our diversity in a deeper way.

Healthy Families Respect Differences

Healthy families learn how to manage diverse thinking styles in respectful ways. One of the biggest challenges in relationships is feeling threatened by differences. Family members often believe, "If you don't think the way I do, then you're wrong." Those who don't fit the dominant family style are often criticized, instead of appreciated.

Adults are encouraged to be politically correct and value diversity in the marketplace. However, some families have very little tolerance for alternative ways of thinking at home. How many of us have heard our own parents or ourselves insist, "My way or the highway!" If we expect our children to respect diversity, we must model accepting differences at home.

Take the Parenting Challenge

The parenting challenge is this: are Mom and Dad willing to respect each other's style and stop polarizing each other into extreme parenting positions? The more rigid Logical Leon becomes, the more Relational Rachel tries to balance his demands by soothing her daughter's ruffled feelings. When Mom contradicts Dad and supports her daughter's requests, Logical Leon thinks his wife is undermining his authority and values. This further aggravates the situation into a losing battle of who's right or wrong.

Parents who respect diverse ways of thinking teach their children to use all their brains have to offer. Families are round-the-clock learning labs in which to develop life skills in communicating effectively with others — especially with those who think differently. Sometimes it's the parents who share similar views, but can't understand their child's perspective. Or, a parent may have a stronger bond with one child because they share the same thinking style, but struggle to effectively communicate with other family members. With practice, every family member can learn to adapt his or her thinking style as needed.

Reminders

• Whole Brain thinking styles are our natural preferences for how we gather and process information.

• Many family squabbles are linked to these differences in how our brains are wired.

• Family members can learn to better use their brain and upgrade their relationships by using all four thinking styles of the Whole Brain model.

Using What You've Learned

1. Can you identify the thinking style preferences of your family members?

• Can your family accurately identify your dominant styles?

• How does avoiding your least preferred style affect your relationships?

2. How does your thinking style influence your parenting?

• What are the strengths and challenges of each style?

• Can you easily use all four thinking styles whenever they are needed?

3. Review a recent argument. How did thinking styles affect the communication?

• Are the parents' styles so similar that the child's pre-erence wasn't considered?

• How could thinking in a different way — particularly in your opposite style — reduce the conflict?

CHAPTER 2

Support Happier Children with Peaceful Parents

Rachel: I bought a pair of cute Nike tennis shoes for the baby today.

Leon: What? We agreed to stick to our budget. And the baby doesn't need them.

Rachel: But they were on sale. I want our baby to look good.

Leon: He's not even old enough to walk in them.

Rachel: I don't care. I didn't have much growing up and I want our baby to have the best.

Leon: You always break our agreements.

Rachel: You never listen to what's important to me.

Within seconds, these new parents are caught in a downward spiral. Neither is hearing the other's need. Whatever happened to living happily ever after?

When Rachel and Leon were dating, she enjoyed how mature and responsible he was. Leon had clear financial goals with a strong commitment to follow through on them. Leon appreciated Rachel's ability to bring out his softer side. They enjoyed exploring their feelings and dreams about the future.

Brain Discovery

Babies have "mirror neurons" in their brains that literally wire them to connect with others — in both positive and negative ways. They copy what they see.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Why Don't You Understand? by Susie Leonard Weller, Elizabeth Wagele. Copyright © 2009 Parenting Press, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of Parenting Press, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Preface,
1. Strengthen Your Parenting with Whole Brain Thinking,
2. Support Happier Children with Peaceful Parents,
3. Teach Discipline and Life Skills,
4. Explore How Your Child Learns Best,
5. Speak So Others Will Understand You,
6. Make Decisions to Strengthen Your Relationships,
7. Respect How Different Thinking Styles Manage Stress,
8. Nurture Effective Family Communication,
9. Celebrate Diversity,
Conclusion,
Appendix: Brain Research,