When the Focus Shifts: The Prayer Book of Arlene Holmes 2013 - 2014

by Arlene Holmes

Overview

Many people analyze mass shooters, including psychiatrists, journalists, and law enforcement. Frequently, the shooter dies in the attempt. In this instance, the accused shooter lives to face the death penalty. Few people have analyzed the effect on the family of an accused shooter facing the death penalty. This prayer book is a unique look at the aftermath of a mass shooting from the perspective of the accused’s mother, as she prays her way through the pretrial court proceedings.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781496968906
Publisher:	AuthorHouse
Publication date:	03/09/2015
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	116
File size:	217 KB

Read an Excerpt

When the Focus Shifts

The Prayer Book of Arlene Holmes 2013-2014

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By Arlene Holmes

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2015 Arlene Holmes
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4969-6897-5

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CHAPTER 1

01–08–2013
Preliminary Hearing Day 2

The dry heaves again—
the beautiful world is ugly
again
today.


01–08–2013
Internet Posters

Internet changed the world.
Are posters saying truths or falsehoods?
Is it necessary to read their posts?
Did the Internet change the world
or just make us mean?
I am praying for people who post their hatred—
venting, vulgar, vicious.
Did it help posters to write these things,
or did it just keep people inside the house
and disconnected from human contact?
Remember who can read your posts—
everyone.
Does that make you powerful
or just indiscriminate?


01–08–2013
Going Backward

July 20, 2012,
Dissipating disbelief—
believe it; it is true.
The blood, the pain, the screams;
those who were there
who are no longer here,
and those who suffer
because they lived.
Are they awake at 2:00 a.m.
as I am?
Awake each night from 2:00 to 6:00 a.m.
because every night is July 20.
I can never forgive myself
for not knowing that this would happen.
How could I have known?
Praying for the victims
who sat through the preliminary.


01–08–2013
Mental Illness

Forgive yourself for not always being right.
Forgive yourself for not knowing
what was happening.
And then forgive the people
who hate your guts and
want you dead.
Praying for all parents.


01–11–2013
Announcement:
Sufficient Evidence for a Trial

The preliminary hearing is done;
the media coverage is done.
Why did we go through
all of this?
Why won't the prosecution settle
for life without parole?
I am not an attorney.
So much I do not know.
Praying for wisdom for the attorneys.


01–11–2013
Examination of Satanism

Why do so many people
believe in demonic possession?
It does provide easy explanations.
Explains the unexplainable;
someone to blame
Demonic possession makes it easy to
hate a human being
and say he should be put to death.
The images of red hair,
black eyes
help to justify everyone's hatred.
I don't believe Satan took my son.
I believe mental illness exists.
Praying for those who
have been written off as evil.


01–12–2013
Preliminary Hearing Memories

I lost it ... beating on the kitchen counter
with my hands.
The hearing was so graphic.
"So much blood." "Sloshing"—
I hear that word over and over.
It is in the paper, on the television, on the Internet,
all over town.
Screaming, gasping for breath, running.
And Jim?
Just standing there—
he didn't die.
A video game?
A movie?
What were you thinking, Jim?
And what are you thinking now?
Praying for Jim in jail; please don't commit suicide.
You lived so that we could understand you
and others could study you
and learn to prevent future tragedy.


01–24–2013
Notoriety

The investigators continue to gather information.
I talk about my parents,
detail and describe,
chronicle,
and talk about our family.
Will all this information
be made public?
Shame us;
blame us;
name us.
Everyone in the world
filters their world
before presenting themselves to the world.
Not us. No façade.
We're out there.
Hopefully, people will learn from
our family.
Praying for my family.


01–24–2013
Agoraphobia

Fear has reasons behind it.
The sun was out last week,
and it was warm,
and I wanted to feel happiness.
I opened the shutters and put the radio on.
Then ...
a reporter at the door;
must be a reporter ...
Overly well dressed for San Diego.
Knocking, then pounding and ringing,
knocking and pounding and ringing and ringing;
holding flowers from a grocery store.
Do you really think
that's all it takes?
I won't answer the door.
Death threats.
Triple locks and an alarm.
I didn't use to live like this.
Praying for agoraphobics.


01–27–2013
PTSD

What does PTSD make you think of?
I think of veterans,
rape victims,
the people in the theatre.
Now, I think of me.
My daughter asked me if she has it.
She keeps reliving July 20.
Not just rethinking it. Reliving it.
Sees it, feels it.
Yes, that is PTSD.
When will July 20 stop playing in our heads
over and over
always?
And how do we lessen the guilt of being alive?
Praying for those with PTSD.


02–01–2013
Investigators

They were here, and now they are gone.
I need to get a life.
Staying home crying is not a life.
Metaphorically,
I fell down,
badly scraped,
badly bleeding.
Finally scabbed over.
Investigators arrive,
pick off the scab,
and start the bleeding all over again.
I had a good kid who never harmed anyone.
That changed; his brain changed.
The inquisition will not end.
I had a good life until that life ended.
I'm
going
down,
praying for myself.


02–04–2013
Home Videos

Tapes of happy occasions—
the kids' birthday parties,
vacations,
Christmas.
Happy faces,
relaxed, not rushed.
Funny and intelligent kid,
hopeful; a future ahead.
Adolescence.
University.
Far away from home.
Violence.
What the hell happened?
Praying for people who have lost control of their lives.


02–13–2013
Password Protected

I just put a password on my phone.
My texts, my e-mails, my contacts
are now password protected.
How do I put a password on my life?
No protection possible.
Praying for those
who feel vulnerable today.


02–15–2013
Praying for the Victims

I pray for the victims daily.
Plus,
I pray for the loved ones of the twelve deceased daily.
The first time that I
prayed for them by name and
by wound,
I was
shaking, overcome.
Kept praying;
made it through the list.
Please, victims, please,
feel my prayers.
I pray for you by name.


02–16–2013
Chris, Asking for Prayer

Doesn't want to talk.
Doesn't want to see me.
Only a text.
Can everything be reduced to text?
My dear daughter,
good-hearted and thoughtful.
I am praying for you daily.
I am not sure what happened,
But I hope God can make it right.
I love you.


02–18–2013
Chris, Working through It

Resilient,
resolute,
hopeful,
able to move forward.
Many friends.
Cares deeply about others.
Her text was
a request to pray for injured friends.
I did, and I pray for her, too.


02–20–2013
James in Jail

5:00 a.m.
on my knees,
asking
what torments your soul today?
And what was there in the past?
When did it start?
And how will this end?
I ask God for peace
for your busy brain,
and I ask for help
to get you through the day,
and every other day
behind bars.


02–25–2013
For Bob

Much ado
about the power of a praying wife.
Will my prayer carry any weight?
I still feel I made a good choice.
God, can you carry him
when he is tired?
Bob is decent, kind,
thoughtful, responsible,
loved his family.
We love him.
Please, God,
get him through the day.
Let him keep working.
Give him the strength
to do his job.


03–15–2013
Arraignment Approaches

The attention of the world
focuses on insanity.
Today I am praying for the insane
incarcerated or
homeless and lying on sidewalks or
in mental institutions or residences or
home with their families.
Do insane people have rights?
Can their medical records be protected?
If Jim pleads not guilty by reason of insanity,
who gets his information?
Can anything good come of this?
Will anyone try to understand insanity,
or will everyone just end up angry?


03–18–2013
Helpless

At the mercy of the media
and the prosecutors
and society
and perceptions
and laws
and hatred
and curiosity
and judgmental people
and those without forgiveness
and the NRA
and the prison system
and the justice system
and the death penalty.
May God have mercy
on the Holmes family.


03–22–2013
Memories

Troubled by memories.
They don't explain the shooting.
My son never harmed anyone.
He never committed a criminal act.
He never stole anything.
He was not interested in drugs.
He did not gamble or stay out late.
He loved animals and children.
He was responsible.
People think he is a monster,
but he has a disease that changed his brain.
A memory of when he was in high school ...
we are hiking in the Sequoias.
I can't keep up with Bob and Chris
hiking up a hill.
Jim stays behind
to make sure I am okay.
Isn't that empathy?
Praying for good men and women
engulfed in psychosis
and alone with their disease.


04–01–2013
Hearing It Out Loud

Nothing could prepare us
for hearing it out loud.
"Justice is death."
Bob and I sit in court listening.
The government, the people, the jury
will decide if Jim will die.
The unthinkable happened,
But execution will not undo it.
More death does not restore life.
Murder is not justice.
Praying for prosecutors
to decide that killing someone with mental illness
will not help society.


04–24–2013
A Fantasy

When the trial ends,
and Jim is sentenced,
Bob and I want to meet with victims
and give them information,
when we get information.
There is attorney-client privilege and
physician-patient privilege.
We offer our prayers and
our anguish;
no consolation to the victims,
since they are awash with anguish already.
We can answer some questions,
but never can answer
"Why?"


05–04–2013
Searching

I live in nonproductive torment
so much of the time
because I cannot find answers or solutions,
and I cannot turn back time.
There is no way to erase July 20.
I pray for those in torment.
What exactly caused him to do this?
What exactly changed in his brain?
And why would anyone think that he was sane?
Praying for those in torment.


05–09–2013
Thoughts on Mother's Day

Sunday is Mother's Day 2013.
Last year, my son called me from Colorado
to wish me happy Mother's Day.
This year, I sit on a plane flying to Colorado
for a hearing on his plea:
not guilty by reason of insanity.
Last year, I had never heard of NGRI.
This year, it rules my life.
Last year,
I never thought about the death penalty.
This year, it rules my life.
Last year, people unharmed.
This year, people wounded and twelve deceased.
Last year, I enjoyed the Mother's Day flowers.
This year, I am going to be sick to my stomach.
Praying for mothers
who struggle through Mother's Day.


05–21–2013
Jim's Room

Nothing can get thrown away or
given away
yet.
I sit on his bed and stare at the walls,
and I grieve for the victims, for the people that love them,
for my son, for us, for the mentally ill,
for those on death row.
I pray for them all.
How can the kid who read about the
Berenstain Bears and
John Stewart's Earth and
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader,
how could he change?
How can the brain change that drastically?
I leave his room untouched because
I need the memories and
tangible evidence that he was a good person.
If all that goes away,
I only have today.
Today is unbearable
and tomorrow uncertain.


05–24–2013
Followers

Who are the followers?
Are they lonely, curious, deeply compassionate
about mental illness,
or just interested
in things that
cannot be explained?
There are different types of followers.
Some have lost interest, and
some still follow every court filing.
Some of them care so much
about diagnosing and treating mental illness.
Some posts provide links
to very good articles about mental illness.
On my bad days,
I read their posts of support
for people battling mental illness.
If only society could see
that the mentally ill must be treated,
not killed.
Today I pray for those who care about mental illness.
and for society, and for a change of attitude.


05–31–2013
Letters

I have finished another letter
to my son.
Every word is scrutinized by the people at the jail
assigned to read the mail.
Every word is entered into discovery
as part of the evidence.
I tell Jim I love him
and pray he feels loved.
I hope his brain is not too disordered
to remember what love feels like.
A mother's letters to her son
should be personal,
but I forfeit that right
because the unthinkable happened.


06–04–2013
Another Hearing

Will an NGRI plea affect Jim's constitutional rights?
What about confidentiality?
What next? Will this be argued in a higher court?
Colorado has not had an NGRI plea
in a capital case like this one.
How many cases ever could be like this one?
We could stop all this right now
if pursuit of the death penalty was stopped.
Jim could plead guilty and go to prison for life.
I am praying this trial will not happen.


06–05–2013
Next Step

Jim will go to Pueblo,
a state mental hospital.
The evaluation begins.
The pretrial hearings are just the beginning.
This could last through 2014.
Victims, you may hate this thought:
please know that Jim's mother
prays for all of you.
All this legal wrangling shreds my guts.
If I feel this way, what does it do
to all of you?
How do you go on?
Please, God, please
help the victims.


06–60–2013
Sending Money to Inmates

I knew nothing about jail.
Last year, I was told
that inmates need money.
Money? Why?
Apparently, inmates must pay
for haircuts and toiletries like toothpaste.
Who knew?
Praying for those without money for toothpaste.


06–07–2013
Darkness

I hate waking up at 2:00 a.m.
wide awake, in turmoil,
trying not to wake up Bob,
lying there for hours.
Finally I get up
and sit in cold darkness
because I can't stand my own thoughts anymore.
I am praying for insomniacs.


06–12–2013
My Goal

My goal for today
is to make it through the day.
Tomorrow?
Same goal.


06–14–2013
3:00 a.m. in Bed

Holding hands with Bob,
staring at the ceiling together.
It's dark.
"You are a good person."
"So are you."
"Do you believe it?"
"Do you?"
"Yes."
How could this have happened?


06–22–2013
Who Are My Friends?

My friends are the
people who don't give up,
don't desert,
don't judge,
don't pretend I am nonexistent.
Some people shun us.
I understand.
They don't want to be tainted by association
or feel uncomfortable in our presence.
I forgive them, with sadness.
That doesn't mean I wish them ill.
I want them to be happy.
Praying for those who need to stay away.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from When the Focus Shifts by Arlene Holmes. Copyright © 2015 Arlene Holmes. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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