When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships

by Jill Cory, Karen Mcandless-davis, Lundy Bancroft (Foreword by)

Overview

“Every woman who is struggling to understand the mistreatment she is experiencing in her relationship should begin by reading [this] wonderful book.”—Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?
 
 What do you do when the one you love hurts you?
 
Have you been searching for answers to difficult questions about your relationship? Do you feel confused about why your partner seems loving one moment and angry the next? Summoning the courage to ask these challenging questions can seem daunting. You know something is wrong in your relationship, but you are not sure what. If you are beginning to wonder if you are experiencing abuse, this book can offer you support, information, and, most of all, hope as you look for answers.
 
Written by two women with a wealth of experience supporting victims of abuse, When Love Hurts introduces exercises and resources to help you make sense of your relationship, addressing all forms of abuse, including verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and physical.
 
This practical guidebook is a supportive and nonjudgmental friend to those who don’t know where to turn and is filled with stories from women who have been in the same position. By drawing on your own wisdom and that of the many others who have shared your experience, When Love Hurts can help you find the answers you have been looking for.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780425274286
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	10/04/2016
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	208
Sales rank:	432,932
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.25(h) x 0.60(d)
Age Range:	18 Years

About the Author

Jill Cory began working with women in abusive relationships at the Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter in the early 1980s. After moving to Vancouver, she pursued research that would help to understand the challenges that women face when leaving abusive relationships. For the following seven years she developed and facilitated separate group counseling programs for women and their abusive partners. Jill currently works at BC Women’s Hospital & Health Centre, helping healthcare providers to understand the negative impact that abuse has on women’s health and to deliver women-centred care. Jill lives with David, her partner of thirty-one years, and their two adult children, Becky and Ben.
 
Karen McAndless-Davis’s passion for this issue comes from personal experience. Her partner, Bruce was abusive at the beginning of their marriage. After several years of hard work Bruce changed his abusive behavior and the beliefs underlying his actions. Karen and Bruce have now been happily married in a relationship of trust and respect for over twenty-five years. They have two children, Luke and Isaac. For many years now, she has provided individual and group counseling to women in various communities. She also travels widely to provide training on the women-centered approach presented in When Love Hurts.

Table of Contents

About the Authors ix

Acknowledgments xi

Foreword Lundy Bancroft xiii

Why We Wrote This Book xvii

Introduction xxi

Allison's Story xxv

1 Am I Experiencing Abuse? 1

Am I an "Abused Woman"?

What's Wrong in My Relationship?

Why Was I Attracted to Him?

How Did I Get Here?

What Can I Do?

2 What Is the Cycle of Abuse? 11

Is There a Pattern?

When Is a Honeymoon Not a Honeymoon?

Who Is in Control of the Cycle?

Is the Cycle the Same for Everyone?

3 How Do I Experience the Cycle of Abuse? 27

Why Do I Feel So Confused?

Why Does the Honeymoon Phase Make

Me Feel Crazy?

Why Do I Feel Like I'm Walking on Eggshells?

Why Is the Explosion So Awful?

What Is My Experience of the Cycle?

4 What Are the Different Types of Abuse? 40

How Do I Experience Abuse?

What Is the Power and Control Wheel?

What Are the Types of Abuse?

What Is His Motive?

How Can I Make a Power and Control

Wheel for Myself?

How Might I Feel After Completing My Power and Control Wheel?

5 What's the Abuse Doing to Me? 59

How Serious is the Abuse?

What Is the Impact of the Abuse?

Am I Being Brainwashed?

Will I Always Feel This Bad?

6 Am I Responsible for the Abuse? 73

Am I to Blame?

Is There Another Way to Look at My Behavior?

So Who Is Responsible?

7 Why Is My Partner Abusive? 86

Why Is My Partner Like This?

What Belief System is Held by Abusive Men?

Why Doesn't He Treat Me with Respect?

Is It Possible for Abusive Men to Change?

What Can I Expect of My Partner?

8 What's This Doing to My Kids? 106

How Is My Partner's Abuse Impacting My Children?

How Has My Partner's Abuse Impacted My Ability to Mother?

Why Do My Children "Side" with Their Father?

How Can I Talk to My Children About This?

Will My Children Grow Up to Abuse or Be Abused?

How Do 1 Get Support as a Mother?

Staying or Leaving? What's Best for My Children?

9 Am I Getting the Support I Need? 124

How Do I Know If I'm Getting the Right Support?

What Are the Barriers to My Getting Support?

Why Is It So Hard to Get Good Support?

How Do I Find Good Support?

How Can I Plan Ahead?

10 Should I Leave My Partner? 142

Staying or Leaving?

Why Is It So Hard Even to Think About Leaving?

Should I Stay While My Partner Is in Counseling?

Why Is My Partner Still Abusive Even Though I Left Him?

Will Leaving Affect My Children's Relationship with Their Father?

Am I Ready to Be a Single Parent?

What If I Don't Want My Children to See Their Father?

11 How Do I Heal from the Abuse? 155

Why Does This Hurt So Much?

Is Grieving Part of the Healing Process?

Why Is It Hard to Grieve?

I Haven't Left My Partner, So Why Do f Feel like I'm Grieving?

Why Do I Have Such Mixed Emotions About the End of My Relationship?

Why Am I So Angry?

Is There Something Wrong with Me?

Why Does the End of a "Bad" Relationship Still Hurt So Much?

Is It Always Going to Be This Painful?

Can I Look Forward with Hope?

Afterword 175

The Authors 177

What People are Saying About This

Mary Russell

This is an excellent resource not only for women to use on their own but also for counselors and advocates. (Dr. Mary Russell, Ph.D., Professor of Social Work, University of British Columbia)

From the Publisher

“Every woman who is struggling to understand the mistreatment she is experiencing in her relationship should begin by reading the wonderful book When Love Hurts. In these pages she will find the strength, validation, and insight she needs to reclaim her life and return it to its rightful owner—her.”—Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?

“This is an excellent resource, not only for women to use on their own, but also for counselors and advocates.”—Dr. Mary Russell, Professor of Social Work, University of British Columbia, Canada

“I give a copy of When Love Hurts to every one of my clients. They all find it profoundly helpful. The book rings true. The authors show a deep and comprehensive understanding of what it is to live with abuse. Women say to me, ‘This is my story! Only the names are different. How did they know?!’”—Daphne Wilson, Woman Abuse Support Worker, Powell River, B.C.

“When Love Hurts is a great resource for any woman who is tired of taking the blame for a painful relationship. If you wonder why the man you love is hurting you—and what you can do about it—this book will give you all kinds of useful information and strategies for changing your life. Just as importantly, it makes it clear that you are not responsible for his abusive behavior.”—Jackson Katz, author of The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help

Editorial Reviews

Every woman who is struggling to understand the mistreatment she is experiencing in her relationship should begin by reading the wonderful book When Love Hurts. In these pages she will find the strength, validation, and insight she needs to reclaim her life and return it to its rightful owner—her.”—Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?
 
“This is an excellent resource, not only for women to use on their own, but also for counselors and advocates.”—Dr. Mary Russell, Professor of Social Work, University of British Columbia, Canada
 
“I give a copy of When Love Hurts to every one of my clients. They all find it profoundly helpful. The book rings true. The authors show a deep and comprehensive understanding of what it is to live with abuse. Women say to me, ‘This is my story! Only the names are different. How did they know?!’”—Daphne Wilson, Woman Abuse Support Worker, Powell River, B.C.
 
“When Love Hurts is a great resource for any woman who is tired of taking the blame for a painful relationship. If you wonder why the man you love is hurting you—and what you can do about it—this book will give you all kinds of useful information and strategies for changing your life. Just as importantly, it makes it clear that you are not responsible for his abusive behavior.”—Jackson Katz, author of The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help

From the Publisher

When Love Hurts offers concrete and reliable information... that will prove invaluable to women who find themselves abused.

Midwest Book Review