What Would You Do for Love If You Had No Fear?: Loving Without Losing¿Your Mind
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What Would You Do for Love If You Had No Fear?: Loving Without Losing¿Your Mind
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781608680115 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | New World Library |
| Publication date: | 02/09/2011 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 160 |
| File size: | 352 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
What Would You Do For Love If You Had No Fear?
Loving Without Losing â" Your Mind
By Diane Conway
Inner Ocean Publishing
Copyright © 2005 Diane ConwayAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-930722-65-1
CHAPTER 1
Face the Fear
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come."
MATT GROENING
When I ask people, "What would you do if you had no fear about love and relationships?" they look at me as if I'm asking them to explain the Theory of Relativity. Let's face it; we're all confused and mystified by love. Patsy Cline summed up the way many of us feel when she sang "Crazy for Loving You"; we've all been that kind of crazy.
Since the beginning of time, sages have mused about all the ramifications of loving and not having love. With all of the pitfalls in love relationships and all the things that can go wrong, it's a wonder anyone gets together, and more of a wonder that we can make it work long-term. Yet people roll the dice on romance and fall in love everyday.
Everyone wants love; everyone is afraid of rejection — these truths seem universal, but everyone has his or her quirks and twists. If you want to see clearly what your fears, weaknesses, and foibles are, get involved in a relationship. Fears and insecurities you didn't know you had (or thought were gone) rise up to wave at you and mock you. The feeling is similar to that of being around our parents after not seeing them for a while. We can go from being a forty-year-old to a ten-year-old in ten minutes flat. As someone once said, "Of course, our parents can push our buttons — they installed them!" Similarly, when we get into a relationship, our insecurity buttons get pushed and we're fourteen again, at the school dance.
One man I talked to said, "Falling in love feels like the movie Groundhog Day: same problems each time, even if it's a different day with a different person." A spiritual advisor once told me, "Diane, you keep having the same relationship with different people."
Oftentimes in relationships, one person fears entrapment (i.e., commitment), and the other fears abandonment. This is not just a male/female dynamic; no matter what your sexual orientation is, it can shake down the same way. One person fears not having her options open, and another fears being left or hurt. With these two opposing forces (entrapment and abandonment) at work, it's no wonder that it takes a powerful love and a good deal of commitment and compromise for people to get together and stay together.
Love can throw even the best of us for a loop. As single folks, we may find that our lives are going quite well, thank you very much. Perhaps we're successful at work, happy with our living situation, surrounded by great friends — the whole package. And yet the minute a new love interest rears its adorable little head, many of us tend to lose ground, or, as my friend Wendy says, "fall into manholes." Suddenly, we're swinging on the stars and giddy with wild abandon. Herein lies the problem: we are so busy concentrating on our new love interest that we tend to lose track of ourselves. It's as if a giant vacuum reached down and sucked out the brain cells labeled "common sense." All of a sudden we are hanging our self-worth on a person we didn't even know existed two weeks ago. If the intended love interest doesn't act a certain way, our good feelings about ourselves vanish. If this (let's be honest) "stranger" doesn't call, we feel a huge loss. Desire hypnotizes us, and we think we can't live without said love interest, who wasn't even on our radar a month ago. Considering this common love scenario, it's no wonder love scares the bejeezus out of us.
One woman I know says she'd get loco and go from one partner to another, falling into manholes and crawling out time after time. She reflects, "I have this emptiness in the center of my being, and when I'd fall in love, it seemed to be filled for a while but then it always came back. I'd think, 'Well, this one didn't fix me so I better move on.' Then I heard the concept that this 'hole' inside is really a spiritual hunger. This made so much sense to me; I now allow my concept of the Divine to fill me. It's made all the difference; I'm not so dependent on others, because I don't look to them for things they can't possibly provide. This concept of filling the empty space with spirit is so liberating. It has made me stronger, and I'm able to be more loving because I recognize this spiritual hunger in others."
To love without losing our minds, we need to protect ourselves. We must guard against giving our power away and losing our self-worth. When you learn to honor yourself — staying true to your needs and wishes — then if that new relationship doesn't work out you can say, "Okay, that didn't work, but I'm still me, I'm still valuable; nothing has really been taken away from me."
In the past, I'd get loco in love, and when things didn't work out, I'd not only have a bruised heart, but I'd also pile on the guilt, which goes like this: "You should have known better. Why didn't you see it coming?" I'd end up blaming myself (what the hell, it's convenient — I'm right here!). I'd sometimes feel that I was a bit player in somebody else's movie. After feeling as if I'd been dragged backwards through a car wash (sans car) a hundred or so times, I learned to get my worth from within, rather than from people I dated. This allowed me to write another story, one in which my husband, Brian, and I are equal costars.
But don't just take my word for it. I've interviewed men and women who have broken through all kinds of fears to have good relationships, as well as people who are still in the process of confronting their fears. I'm so grateful that these people had the courage to share their stories, because they help us all remember that we are not alone. Love is scary, but it's also transforming, comforting, and beautiful.
Lost Love
"The man she had was kind and clean and well enough for everyday. But, oh, dear friends, you should have seen the one that got away."
DOROTHY PARKER
* * *
PART OF THE "LOCO IN LOVE" syndrome comes from the confusion we can feel when a relationship ends, and it's compounded when we are left to guess what went wrong. Sometimes it seems that there are volumes that need to be said in order to heal and move on, yet often we are left with deafening silence.
Ted was one perpetrator of such silences. Talking with him, I could see the role fear played in his breakup. He bravely confided in me about the loving relationship he enjoyed with Lynda for five years. "She was easy to talk to, and I loved the way she listened. She could be brutally honest and not afraid to ask questions that cut through to the heart of the issue. We were soul mates. We fit like a key in a lock. We had the same sense of humor, and we could finish the other's sentences."
Ted was completely candid during the three hours we spent together. He honestly related the regrets he still carries about his relationship with Lynda. They were great together, he told me, and eventually shared a house and three very happy years. The trouble began when he was having work and money issues.
My grandmother used to say, "Poverty comes in the door, and love flies out the window." What I know today is that when fear comes in the door, love can fly out the window, but if we can communicate, love has a chance to stay.
As Ted and Lynda's communication broke down, she was afraid he was losing interest in her; he was preoccupied with business worries. Ted admitted to me that he was self-absorbed, his fear about work all-consuming. Finally, though, he and Lynda made it through this tough period, and things were going well.
Yogi Berra famously said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." In all relationships, there comes a time when we need to "take it to the next level," or love will fizzle. When Ted and Lynda's relationship reached the fork, she wanted to move to the next level of commitment: engagement and marriage. Ted was afraid of that step and wanted to keep his options open. He spoke of the fearful "what-if" syndrome: "What if there was someone else out there, what if this didn't work." He was afraid of commitment and getting tied down with one person.
Because Ted was unable to overcome his fears, Lynda stood up for herself and told him it was time to commit or end. They ended. He knows now that he made a horrible mistake in not working it out. He says, "Today I would do things differently." Perhaps if Ted had said, "I'm afraid, but I don't want to lose you. Let's work this out," he wouldn't feel remorseful today. Sometimes all it takes is an honest admission of our fears to open the door to understanding and intimacy.
I have not talked to Lynda, but I can imagine she felt bewildered and hurt. Ted tried to see her a few times, but finally she said what rejected partners often find they must say: "I can't see you. It hurts too much to see you and not be with you." She wanted a committed relationship with him or nothing at all.
However, two years later he hasn't found anyone else; he often compares the women he dates to her and feels heartbroken. He has come to realize, "The old saying is true, about not knowing what you have until you lose it. I'll never find anyone of her caliber." He can't stop talking about her. He says that if he had to do it again, he'd make a commitment. In retrospect, he has some idea of why he wasn't willing to stay with Lynda: "I was jaded, selfish, and afraid to make a commitment. It was a coward's way out, and now I wholeheartedly regret it. At the time, I just wanted to keep my options open."
Ted had so much insight when we spoke. So I asked him the million-dollar question, "If you still love her, why aren't you at her door with a ring? You admit you made a mistake, so why not go after what you want?" He danced around my question, and I came back to it again and again like a mosquito dive-bombing a sleeping camper. I was casual but relentless.
I calmly said, "What fear prevents you from contacting her?" He replied, "I never thought of contacting her because she ended it. And maybe she's with someone else." All I could think of was what I would say if I were in Lynda's shoes: "I didn't end it. I loved you and wanted to be with you. Your fear ended it."
A number of people spoke of feeling stuck in patterns that keep them alone. Many of the patterns are fear-based. Some relationships can be saved if one of the partners has the courage to ask a simple question. For instance: "I'm afraid of the 'idea' of commitment, but I want to grow with you. Will you stick by me?" Questions open the door to solutions and communication.
A world of love and happiness gets lost when we are afraid to take the steps necessary to change our thoughts and behaviors. It's so easy for fear to destroy love. It takes work for love to destroy fear, but the end result is so worth it.
Private Eye
"Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience."
M. SCOTT PECK
* * *
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, Charlene would sometimes wake up and reach across the bed, only to find her husband wasn't there. Again. She'd look through the drapes to see if the car was gone. It wasn't. In a mysterious and disturbing turn of events, he'd disappear time after time. When she asked him, "Where do you go?" he'd say, "Can't sleep. I go jogging."
Married at eighteen, Charlene had two daughters right away. With no job skills — she couldn't even drive — Charlene felt trapped. The husband we'll call Richard was "quiet and never there." And then there were all those odd absences.
One day, two plain-clothes detectives came to the door and arrested him. He claimed it was for unpaid parking tickets. Since Charlene's brother was a private eye, Charlene asked him to do a background check on her husband. Since Richard would have recognized his brother-in-law, Charlene's brother got his friend and colleague, Steve, a young man right out of the Marines, to do the slinking around. Steve discovered that Richard had a lot to hide: he was sleeping with other women, and, when not busy with that, he was peeping in windows at night.
The minute Charlene found out the truth, she made plans to leave. Even though she had no income and knew it would mean daunting challenges, she packed up her two young daughters (aged four and five) and went to live with her brother. She filed for divorce, and when it came time to serve the divorce papers, her brother had the young Marine, Steve, do the honors.
It was shortly after that that Steve first met Charlene at her brother's house. "The minute I saw Charlene, I knew she was the woman for me," Steve says. He started coming over more often and offered to teach Charlene how to drive. "Learning to drive was a huge step in becoming independent," Charlene remembers.
They fell in love and married a year later. Where her old life had a trapped feeling, life with Steve was — and continues to be — about expansion, adventure, and living fully. Charlene says, "We are both our own person and respect each other. We're best friends." Steve adopted her two girls. One daughter says, "He's the only dad I know and the only one I want."
Steve and Charlene ran their own private investigation agency for twenty years; they helped others get out of bad situations. During this time, they lived on their ranch near Yosemite, and everyone in the family had a horse. They raised the girls to be strong, independent young women.
True adventurers, this pair enable each other to live their dreams. Whether it's taking a month off to ride their horses through the snow-covered Sierra range from Lake Tahoe to Yosemite, or joining the mountain Search and Rescue team, Steve and Charlene are doers. They've seen mountains, rivers, lakes, and small towns around the country while riding their Honda Gold Wings. Now that they're retired, home is a forty-one-foot cabin cruiser named 2 Live Free. The next adventure is a cruise to Mexico and beyond.
The woman who couldn't drive and felt trapped became a woman who is free to live her dreams. Because she faced up to her fear of change, Charlene is now an example of a fearless female — not that she'd describe herself in so many words. People who are courageous don't always think of themselves in that light; the way they see it, they merely took a step they needed to take at the right time.
Steve and Charlene have been married thirty-six years. But that doesn't mean she can't remember what it was like to be young and afraid and stuck in an unhappy relationship. "My heart goes out to young girls who make a mistake and are afraid to leave, so they stay and are miserable. They feel they have nowhere to go and that the known is better than the unknown. Some are afraid of what family will think if they leave."
It there's anything Charlene's story shows us, it's that it's up to us to confront our fears and walk through them — and that the rewards for doing so are infinite. Charlene could teach courage classes.
Old Friends, New Lovers
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be ... it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for."
ERICA JONG
* * *
THREE FROGS ARE SITTING on a lily pad; one makes a decision to jump in the water. How many frogs are left? All three: the frog only made the decision; he didn't take the action.
I spoke with men and women who got stuck in indecision and gave in to fear, thereby losing someone they loved. We never know what good might happen if we take a chance on love and life. There comes a point in a relationship when you know that this is the person for you, and at this pivotal moment you must take action, and jump in the pond.
In his mid-thirties, Chris is very open about the lessons he's learned in relationships. He says, "When I was younger and love would hit a rough spot, I'd go into blame and anger. Without honesty, little things build up and cause resentment. That's how couples fall apart."
One of Chris's strong desires is to have a family. "I've always wanted a wife and children," he says. In a previous relationship, he didn't make this desire known for a long while. When he found out that she didn't want what he wanted, it hurt. They broke up, leaving him heartbroken. He says, "Taking her to the airport when she left was the saddest thing I ever did." Chris was able to part with integrity and to remain friends with this woman. He gave himself time to heal his broken heart and to take stock of his life. During this time of reflection, he realized that he needed to be honest about his desires up front.
Last year Chris went home to Virginia for Christmas. He and his college friends got together for the holidays, and at a buddy's Christmas party, Chris was reacquainted with Denise. They'd known each other in college but only as part of the gang. At the party, there was a new spark between them, as if they were seeing each other for the first time. As they talked, they realized they had so much in common. Both had moved around a lot as children, adapting to new schools, places, and friends. They both worked in creative fields. Chris was smitten: "Denise is quiet, so people don't realize how intelligent she is. Of course, she's also cute, sweet, and artistic."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from What Would You Do For Love If You Had No Fear? by Diane Conway. Copyright © 2005 Diane Conway. Excerpted by permission of Inner Ocean Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
| Introduction: Where's My Friggin' Fairy Godmother? | ix | |
| Part 1 | Loco in Love | |
| Chapter 1 | Face the Fear | 3 |
| Lost Love | 7 | |
| Private Eye | 11 | |
| Old Friends, New Lovers | 14 | |
| That Ship Had Sailed | 17 | |
| Chapter 2 | Change Your Mind | 21 |
| Coming Out of the Fog | 23 | |
| I'm the Love of My Life | 28 | |
| Ken Doll | 33 | |
| Chapter 3 | Be More You | 39 |
| The Courage To Be | 42 | |
| Not Lost | 47 | |
| Part 2 | Love and Learn | |
| Chapter 4 | Let Go of "Crazy-Makers" | 53 |
| Woman's Best Friend | 56 | |
| Life Latitude | 59 | |
| Second Chance | 63 | |
| Chapter 5 | Create a Mate | 67 |
| From Twenty-Five Miles to Twenty-Five Feet | 72 | |
| Cast a Spell | 75 | |
| Mirror, Mirror | 78 | |
| Part 3 | Loving Without Losing Your Mind | |
| Chapter 6 | Make a Commitment | 85 |
| Newly Diagnosed Boyfriend | 89 | |
| Soup Kitchen | 93 | |
| A Little Help from My Friends | 96 | |
| Chapter 7 | Dare to Risk | 101 |
| They Took the Leap | 102 | |
| Milagros Cabo | 106 | |
| Rescued From a Nightmare | 108 | |
| Part 4 | Live Fearlessly Ever After | |
| Chapter 8 | Take Action to Get Action | 115 |
| Daring Dating | 117 | |
| Make a Vow | 122 | |
| What Would You Do? | 126 | |
| Chapter 9 | Take Care and Accept Grace | 131 |
| Make Time to Heal | 133 | |
| Love Is Too Important To Be Taken Seriously | 136 | |
| Amazing Grace | 139 | |
| Acknowledgements | 145 | |
| About the Author | 147 |