What Should I Say, What Can I Do?: How to Reach Out to Those You Love

What Should I Say, What Can I Do?: How to Reach Out to Those You Love

by Rebecca Bram Feldbaum
What Should I Say, What Can I Do?: How to Reach Out to Those You Love

What Should I Say, What Can I Do?: How to Reach Out to Those You Love

by Rebecca Bram Feldbaum

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Overview

WHEN SEVERE ILLNESS OR DEATH STRIKES A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY OR COMMUNITY, DO YOU WANT TO HELP BUT WORRY THAT YOU'LL MAKE MATTERS WORSE? YOUR SUPPORT AND AID CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE -- FAR MORE THAN YOU REALIZE.

You'll discover in
What Should I Say, What Can I Do?

• Practical advice on what to do at hospitals and funerals
• The right words of comfort to offer
• The best ways to offer financial help
• Ideas for special gifts that will keep memories of the deceased alive
• Different activities to do with your bereaved friend
• Staying in touch and showing your love through the years

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781416558323
Publisher: Pocket Books
Publication date: 12/20/2011
Sold by: SIMON & SCHUSTER
Format: eBook
Pages: 144
File size: 2 MB

About the Author

Rebecca Bram Feldbaum has written a popular humorous column for the Baltimore/Washington magazine, Where What When, and she is the author of the books What Should I Say, What Can I Do? and If There's Anything I Can Do.

Read an Excerpt


Hospital Visits and Gifts

GUIDELINES FOR VISITORS

Following are ways people can make a hospital visit that is appreciated by the patient and her family. Many of these guidelines also apply to visiting a sick patient at home.

Call ahead of time to see if the patient wants visitors.

If the patient is not up to visitors, there are innumerable other ways to help out his family. (Read the chapter "Helping the Caregiver" for suggestions.) Or the family may want you to come to the hospital to stay with the patient so that they can go home for a few hours. Ask what they need help with the most -- and be prepared for their answer.

Never visit a patient in the hospital if you are not feeling well.

Even a "slight" cold can have serious repercussions for patients, especially those undergoing treatments and the elderly. Even if cold or flu symptoms have not manifested themselves, don't take the chance of infecting hospitalized patients. People who are sick are weak and much more susceptible to catching something contagious, which can have an adverse effect on their recovery.

Don't make a hospital visit with a large group of people.

Three is the maximum number of visitors who should congregate in a hospital room at one time. The patient won't be able to concentrate on the conversation with too many people surrounding him. Also, it's very disturbing to a patient when there is too much noise and activity in his room.

Children shouldn't visit patients in the hospital.

An exception to this rule is when a parent, sibling, or grandparent in the hospital especially requests to see them. Check with your pediatrician first about bringing newborns to the hospital. If the children or grandchildren are not allowed to visit the patient, they can decorate cards, make tape recordings, write letters, or draw colorful signs for her.

Bring food to the patient that you are certain she is allowed to eat.

Many patients are not allowed to eat certain foods because they're not good for them, such as highly salted foods for heart patients. Always check with family members or at the nurses' station before offering a patient outside food.

Come to the hospital as "odorless" as possible.

Patients in the hospital who are undergoing treatments are very sensitive to odors. When you visit do not wear perfume, cologne, or any type of soap, hand or body lotion, or deodorant that has a lingering aroma. These can make your visit unbearable to someone who is fighting nausea.

Always knock on the patient's door before entering the room.

If you don't hear a "come in" response, check at the nurses' station before entering. The patient may be undergoing a minor medical procedure, may not be fully clothed, may be in the bathroom, or may be sleeping. Remember, patients have the right to maintain some privacy within a hospital setting.

If the patient is sleeping, don't disturb her.

Unless the patient gave you explicit instructions to wake her when you arrived, let her sleep. Leave a note for her at the nurses' station or in her room. The patient needs her rest, and a note will be just as appreciated as a "real visit."

Turn off your cell phone before entering the room.

You need to give the patient your undivided attention. He wants to enjoy interacting with you, which can't be done if you're constantly talking on your cell phone. You can, however, ask the patient if he would like you to answer his ringing hospital phone or place a call for him.

Be prepared for how the patient will look.

If you aren't able to visit the patient without holding back your emotions, you shouldn't visit her. The last thing she needs to see is you gasping, staring, or crying in reaction to her appearance. This only depresses the patient if she feels she looks horribly different (which she might). Enter her room with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact.

Be prepared for how the patient will behave.

The patient may be undergoing a temporary personality change. He may exhibit signs of a short attention span, be exceptionally quiet, or be quite angry and volatile. This could be a reaction to the medications he's taking or an emotional response to his medical situation. If the patient says anything that shocks you, refrain from commenting and instead show your support by being a listening, caring friend.

Do not sit or place your purse or coat on the patient's bed.

The patient's surroundings need to be kept as sterile as possible. You never know what you may have brought in from the outside world that contains germs. Remember, you are there to make the patient feel more comfortable, not the other way around!

Don't have any physical contact with the patient unless he makes the first gesture.

Many patients are sore from the various treatments they are receiving, or achy from being in bed so long. Even a kiss, hug, or handshake could be painful to him. Your safest bet is to blow the patient a kiss. Let him make the first move toward you before you reach out to him. If he wants his hand held or his back massaged, do it very lightly and gently.

Don't read the patient's medical chart.

No matter how well-meaning your intentions, this is a complete invasion of the patient's privacy. If you are not his doctor or a member of the hospital staff, don't casually glance over any personal medical papers.

Depending on how the patient is feeling, limit your visit to fifteen to thirty minutes.

If the patient is lonely or scared or just plain bored and sincerely wants you to stay longer, that's fine, of course. But don't think that you have to entertain her; your quiet presence may be all she needs.

Don't ask the patient about her condition.

It is the patient's prerogative to discuss or not discuss her illness. If she completely avoids speaking about her medical condition, follow her lead. But if she does make reference to it, let her guide the conversation, and be careful not to pry and put her in an uncomfortable position. Don't bring up stories of family members who were stricken with the same disease and describe their unfortunate outcomes. Also, she doesn't want to hear about all of your latest medical issues.

Be considerate of the patient's roommates.

Don't make too much noise that would disturb the roommates. Pull the curtain between the beds to maximize privacy. If you're getting something for the patient (for example, from the hospital cafeteria), it's polite to ask his roommate if he'd like something also.

Have normal conversations with the patient.

Don't talk in a condescending way to the patient. For various reasons -- her medical condition or the medicines she's taking -- she may not be able to concentrate as well as she used to, but that doesn't mean she should be spoken down to. (This advice especially holds true for elderly patients.)

Conversations about the patient should be held in the hallway.

Never assume that just because she's critically ill a patient doesn't understand what you're saying about her condition. Also don't assume she's "fully asleep" when her eyes are closed. And never underestimate what hospitalized children or teenagers can understand.

When the patient's doctor enters the room, excuse yourself and walk out of earshot.

Even if the doctor tells you to stay, you should leave the room. Only close friends or family members who are absolutely certain the patient wants them in the room should stay. This may be the only time during the day that the patient will be able to discuss personal matters with her physician, and she should be given the privacy to do so.

GIFT GIVING

Whether visiting an ill person in the hospital or at home, people do not like to arrive empty-handed. Some points to keep in mind:

1. The best presents to bring to the hospital are throw- away gifts that can be disposed of, or presents that are light and small to pack.

2. It is completely acceptable to send a present to the person's home instead of taking it to the hospital.

3. Do not expect a thank-you note or phone call from the patient or her family. You can call to make sure the present did arrive.

4. When you bring a present to a patient at home, try to bring something for the caregiver and/or children, too, like a home-cooked meal, a batch of cupcakes, a board game, etc.

5. Don't forget to bring a token of appreciation for the hard-working nursing staff -- a bagel-and-cream-cheese platter for breakfast, doughnuts or homemade cookies for snacks, or a vegetable/fruit platter for lunch or dinner. A letter to the hospital administrator about the exceptional care your loved one received is a very nice gesture, too.

Gift Ideas

Here are some suggestions for presents that hospital patients really like receiving; many of the items make wonderful gifts to give to the patient at home, too.

A favorite newspaper or magazine.

The hospital may not sell it and the patient will really enjoy reading his favorite periodical. It makes a patient feel good when he can keep up with the most current information on topics he's particularly interested in.

A new book by the patient's favorite author.

Depending on the dexterity and strength of the patient's hands, the book should be bought in either hardcover or paperback. You can also purchase a stand that will hold the book up for the patient. Don't forget to include a cute bookmark.

A new robe or pajamas.

In many hospitals, the patient is allowed to wear his own robe and pajamas. Pick out a set in his favorite color or, for laughs, one with a cartoon pattern. Ask the family members what kind of material the patient prefers wearing. If he is recovering from surgery, he may want to wear only 100 percent cotton, until his stitches heal.

A bouquet of flowers.

Flowers definitely brighten up a hospital room with their cheeriness and color. Ask the florist for ideas if you don't want to send a large bouquet: you could send flowers in a decorative mug or a small plant, for example. If the patient is in an ICU, check with the nurses first, because some ICUs may not allow flowers/plants that will attract insects around the patient.

A new CD from the patient's favorite recording artist.

This is a great gift, as music can be very soothing to patients -- especially the music they enjoy listening to. If the patient has an iPod, borrow it for a few hours and download the CD onto it for him.

The activity/game the patient enjoys doing.

A crossword puzzle book, a new needlepoint to embroider, a Sudoku book, a new game for his Game Boy, a deck of cards, or even a Rubik's Cube is a nice gift to bring a patient. The present should be able to be done/played by one person. This will keep his mind occupied so he can forget about his medical situation for a little while.

The patient's favorite food.

If she has an appetite, the aroma of her favorite meal or treat wafting through the doorway is a wonderful comfort to a patient. But be sure to check with family members or her nurse before giving outside food to a patient.

A calendar.

It's hard to keep track of time in a hospital, when days and nights seem to blend together. A nice gift is a theme calendar with pictures the patient will enjoy, such as country settings, race cars, animals, or photos of friends, coworkers, or children/grandchildren, in serious or funny poses. Be sure to choose a calendar size that will fit on wall space near the patient's bed. An illuminated watch or clock is also an excellent present as the patient may not be able to read the clock on the wall.

A box of stationery, a new pen, return address labels (if possible), and postage stamps.

Have all these materials ready for patients who feel well enough to write a note to friends and family members. Lined stationery is a good choice for patients whose hands may be shaky.

Toiletry items.

A new brush or comb, small mirror on a stand, shaving case, toothbrush and toothpaste holder, soft makeup case, or a new manicure kit. Patients feel so much better when they can freshen up. Be sure to bring the patient a particular product or brand you know she likes using.

Copyright © 2008 by Rebecca Bram Feldbaum

Table of Contents


Introduction

HOSPITAL VISITS AND GIFTS

HELPING THE CAREGIVER

BEFORE THE FUNERAL

WHAT TO SAY/WHAT NOT TO SAY

MEMORY GIFTS

HELPING MONETARILY

SPECIAL GIFTS FOR THE BEREAVED

SPECIAL ACTIVITIES TO DO WITH THE BEREAVED

THROUGH THE YEARS

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