Wake Up or Break Up: 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening Your Relationship

by Leonard Felder

Overview

One of the nation's top experts on how to improve complex family dynamics, Leonard Felder, Ph.D., has been counseling couples for more than 20 years. In his experience, the inklings of worry and moments of boredom that many individuals feel in their good relationships have to be addressed sooner rather than later to head off the loss of what could be a great relationship. Dr. Felder has found that by following the eight specific and realistic steps he outlines to address the problem areas that most often drive mates apart, couples can overcome the odds and create a healthy, immensely satisfying intimacy.

A wealth of anecdotes from the author's practice provide fresh perspectives on such key issues as learning when to be flexible (and when you've gone too far!), becoming a caring lover, using the critical moments of "re-entry" after work or to increase intimacy, and coming through for your mate in a crisis. Upbeat and non-blaming, this is a book you can urge your mate to read without fear of provoking a fight or hurt feelings. Though it offers advice to both partners in traditional or same-sex couples, one of Dr. Felder's special gifts as a therapist is his ability to reach men and get them to take a more proactive role in strengthening their relationships.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781623362393
Publisher:	Harmony/Rodale
Publication date:	05/06/2005
Sold by:	Random House
Format:	eBook
Pages:	256
File size:	1 MB

About the Author

LEONARD FELDER, PH.D., is a licensed psychologist and recognized authority on how to improve difficult family situations. His eight books, which include Making Peace with Your Parents, Making Peace with Yourself, A Fresh Start, and When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People, have sold more than a million copies and have been translated into 14 languages. He lives in Los Angeles, California.

Read an Excerpt

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STRIKING A BALANCE BETWEEN BEING TOO FLEXIBLE AND NOT FLEXIBLE ENOUGH

It's bigger than sex. Tougher than even the most difficult relative. And able to wreak havoc among unsuspecting couples, no matter how committed they are. Welcome to the number one issue that can make or break up your long-term relationship: flexibility.

I've found that flexibility toward and accommodation of your partner's way of doing things is crucial for almost every relationship. No matter how much you love each other or want things to go smoothly, in any given week the issue of flexibility versus inflexibility is likely to pop up. Several years ago, the actress and novelist Carrie Fisher (who played Princess Leia in Star Wars and later wrote Postcards from the Edge and other books) described this exhausting power struggle quite vividly when explaining her breakup from musician Paul Simon. "In many relationships one person gets to be the flower while the other person tends to be the one who waters, nurtures, and supports the flower," she said. "In our relationship we kept fighting over who gets to be the flower and neither of us wanted to be the one who nurtures the flower."

Numerous research studies show that one of the clearest early indications of a good relationship starting to go downhill is one partner feeling he or she is giving in too often and not being respected or taken seriously. For example, in the research studies of Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, the most satisfied couples were those who felt their generosity and goodwill were being reciprocated; when one or both partners felt slighted, let down, or taken for granted, there was lots of tension. I've found in hundreds of cases in my own practice that the most successful way to move your relationship out of danger is for you and your partner to learn specific skills and strategies for bringing more balance and fairness to each decision and interaction with each other.

To see if there is an imbalance upsetting your own relationship, answer the following questions honestly.

Do you ever feel as if you're being too accommodating to your partner?

Have you been putting your own needs on hold lately?

Has your partner ever criticized you for not being assertive enough with a difficult member of your extended family, a co-worker who drains you constantly, a waiter, a hotel clerk, or some other person who wasn't doing a good job?

Do you sometimes go out of your way to do nice things for someone you love in the hope that he or she will reciprocate, but instead this person seems to take you for granted?

Do you ever have trouble admitting what you want in lovemaking, in structuring your weekends, or in making plans for the future?

Do you spend so much energy responding to the crises of daily life that sometimes when your partner asks you for one more thing it pushes you to the breaking point?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you probably have a tendency to be too flexible. On the other hand,

Have you ever been told by your current or former partner that you are selfish, stubborn, demanding, or unavailable?

Have you ever been accused of being rigid, bossy, or controlling, even when you think you're just expressing your point of view?

Do you ever find sneaky ways to get your needs met without letting your partner know?

Has your partner ever accused you of being too loud, rude, or argumentative with someone you confronted at a dinner party, a social event, or your kid's school event, or with someone who works in a service capacity?

Do you ever lash out in anger or sarcasm because you feel your partner isn't as orderly, neat, or punctual as you?

Do you ever feel so sure of what you believe that you honestly don't want to hear your loved one's differing point of view?

If you answered yes to at least two of the questions above, then you probably are somewhat rigid at times. In either case--whether you or your partner are too flexible or not flexible enough--a simple adjustment in attitude could restore balance and harmony to your relationship.

BOTH OF YOU CAN GET MORE OF WHAT YOU WANT

A woman named Katrina came into my office with her husband Jack one morning a few months ago and opened the session by saying, "First and foremost, I want you to know that I do love my husband. Jack is a good person. Really, he's done a lot of wonderful things for many people. But sometimes he can be so stubborn. I know it's a part of who he is and I'm supposed to love him unconditionally and all that hoo-hah. But there are times when his selfish, controlling side rears its ugly head and I feel like I'm gonna scream. He doesn't do it all the time, but when Jack gets that rigid, I've- got-to-have-it-my-way, end-of-discussion look in his eyes, it's such a complete turn-off."

What made Katrina's comments especially interesting is that an hour later a woman named Paula came into my office with her husband, Allen, and said, "I love my husband. Really, I do. I just wish sometimes Allen could be a little more assertive or articulate about what he wants and needs. I think he is way too much of a people-pleaser and, as a result, you never know if he's doing something because he wants to or because he feels he has to. I appreciate that Allen is caring and kind by nature, but there are times when I need him to have a little more backbone--to speak up and stand a little stronger so I don't have to feel like I'm married to a pushover."

Later that same day, a film director named Amy showed up in my office with her partner of seven years, a highly respected middle-school guidance counselor named Rebecca. According to Amy, "I know Rebecca has a good heart and that she means well. But she spends so much energy and time taking care of her troubled students, her aging mom, and her impossible younger sister that she's got almost nothing left over for me or our relationship. Every night she's on the phone, handling one crisis or another, so that whenever I ask for something from her, or for her to consider my needs and be flexible once in a while, it's as though I'm asking for too much. Rebecca even admitted recently that she's burned out from trying so hard to help everyone else and so she doesn't have much left over to give me. On one level I understand she's overloaded, but there's a part of me that asks, 'What am I, chopped liver?'"

These three couples with essentially decent relationships are dealing with the same painful frustration: how to strike a balance between being too flexible and not flexible enough.

The proven techniques and suggestions described in this chapter are designed to make sure you and your partner both get the nurturing you want and need in your relationship. They will help you prevent arguments and hurt feelings that may eat away at your relationship, and they will help you build bonds to bring you closer. If you tend to be the "my way is the right way" person, my goal is to help you lighten up a bit and be more giving, without ignoring your own desires and feelings. If you are a bit too accommodating or selfless, I'll help you find clear and appropriate ways to express your equally valid needs and insights so that the relationship becomes more balanced.

THE FOUR IMBALANCERS

Four kinds of personalities may throw off the balance of a relationship. Sometimes a partner will fit one description to a T. Other times, a partner will exhibit the characteristics of one trait just a bit but even this small amount sometimes disrups the relationship. Remember, our goal is to achieve a balance between partners, where each is flexible enough to respect the other's desires without becoming a doormat.

As you read over the following descriptions of the causes of imbalance between assertiveness and flexibility, please be honest with yourself. Are any of the habits similar to your behavior in your current or previous relationships? Or are they issues that you wish your partner would face up to and resolve so that the overall relationship could be a lot more satisfying for both of you?

THE UNINTENTIONAL BULLDOZER

Have you ever found out after an important discussion with your partner that he or she was feeling lectured or bullied by you? Have you ever been told by a loved one, "Don't yell at me," when you didn't think you were yelling? Have you been accused of being too rushed, too demanding, or so insistent that others can't get a word in edgewise when you simply were trying to make a point in a discussion about which you were passionate?

What's the deal here? Are these people overreacting, or is it possible that you might unintentionally be acting like a bulldozer?

I've found that the majority of "unintentional bulldozers" don't realize just how worked up and uncompromising they sound to other people. When it seems as if your partner doesn't understand your point of view or is contradicting you, it may cause you to speak a bit too loudly, or to say things dramatically or with a little too much finality. You may be just trying to make a logical, rational case, and yet the other person is hearing only how strongly you want to get your way. You may not really want to verbally squash your loved one, but like the character Lenny in John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men, the passionate soul who longs for a beloved rabbit companion but then squeezes it too tightly, you might be more intense than you realize.

This doesn't make you a bad person. Many decent and caring men and women just can't hold back when they're agitated, upset, or very concerned about something that is being discussed. Ultimately, though, if your partner senses a rigidity or an inflexibility that shuts down important conversations, it will cause problems in your relationship.

BREAKING THE BULLDOZER HABIT

When your partner or one of your kids says, "You're yelling," or "You're not listening to me," your first reaction may be to feel defensive and to insist, "I'm not yelling! Don't tell me I'm yelling when I know I'm not yelling!"

Let's look at another, more successful response. When someone you love tells you that you're being a bit of a bulldozer, or if in mid-discussion you become aware of this yourself, I suggest taking a deep breath, opening up your heart, and calling on your sense of humor as you say to yourself, "If it sounds to my loved one like I'm being a bulldozer, and if it feels to my loved one like I'm being a bulldozer, then for the sake of being a great partner, let me think of myself, for a moment, as a bulldozer."

Rather than getting defensive or launching a verbal counterattack, take your partner's words to heart. This is no time for a debate about decibel levels, deeper intentions, or who got testy first. The best way to make progress right now is to quickly catch yourself and ask your partner-- preferably with a bit of humor, charm, or irony in your voice--"Am I being a bit of a bulldozer right now?" That won't mean you're giving in or taking all the blame for the miscommunication between the two of you. It just means you are becoming a more conscious person. You are breaking an old habit so that you and your lover can respectfully negotiate. Admitting to yourself and your partner that, "Yep, I probably sounded a bit like a bulldozer right then" is going to feel like a breath of fresh air to the vulnerable human being who was starting to feel bullied or frustrated by your intense verbal style. It's like a declaration of peace in what could have become a long and nasty war.

Now take a deep breath and say gently the following words to dramatically change the quality of your interactions with these precious souls who need your calmness and patience. The magic words are: "Let me be quiet for a few moments and hear your take on the situation. I won't interrupt you. I do want to know your side of things."

I realize it might not be easy or automatic for you to talk like this, especially when your brain is saying, "But I'm 100 percent right and the other person is 100 percent wrong!" This is what your brain does when adrenaline is pumping and you are facing a challenge. You might be wondering, "Do I really have to be the big person here? Why do I have to be the one to make an offering of peace?" But if you can override the automatic responses of your brain and say just these few words during a heated discussion, I can almost guarantee you will be amazed by the results. Your sense of humor and your sense of teamwork are two of the most powerful tools you have for taking your relationship to a much higher level of trust and closeness.

"I Was Just Trying to Make a Point"

When I think of all the passionate and intelligent bulldozers I've met in my counseling practice, one particular guy named Chris comes to mind. Chris is a highly articulate attorney who almost always outsmarts opposing attorneys in the courtroom. He's got a quick mind, a strong sense of integrity, and a deep desire to win. So when he sits across from his soft- spoken wife, Julia, and they try to work out their differences, Chris naturally speaks in an intense and argumentative style.

One day in a couples-counseling session, Chris's in-your-face style brought Julia to tears, even though he insisted, "I was just trying to make a point." So I offered Chris the tool of catching himself and asking Julia, with a humorous tone, "Am I being a bit of a bulldozer right now?" That one sentence broke the tension between them and allowed Julia to begin to regain her strength so that they could negotiate as equals.

Then Chris said the magic words I had recommended as the second phrase: "Let me be quiet for a few minutes and hear your take on the situation. I won't interrupt, and I do want to know your side of things." As soon as Chris said those comforting words, you could see Julia relaxing and warming up to him. Even though it was not his usual way of responding, Chris was willing to break his old habit of being a bulldozer if it meant that he and Julia could start being loving partners again.