Read an Excerpt
From the Introduction:
Somehow and somewhere men learn destructive attitudes and behaviors. The relationships of men who abuse their partners are like minefields: nobody knows when things might explode and all hell breaks loose. Living in this minefield causes terror and hurts the entire family. Inside, the man knows it doesn’t have to be like this. All of us have the inherent ability to experience fulfilling relationships that provide meaning and love in our lives.
From Chapter 1:
Men who are violent or abusive often project an attitude of not needing or not wanting to change. Deep down, most of them know that something is not right. They start new relationships with high expectations only to see their abusive behavior tear the relationships apart. They medicate themselves with drugs, alcohol, and cynicism about life and relationships. Their friendships with other men are frequently superficial. They see their children acting out in inappropriate ways because of what is happening at home, and they don’t know what to do. They see their partners, who once loved them, turn away in anger and in fear. All too often they end up alone, out of touch with their own feelings and cut off from the company and affection of others, pretty much trapped.
Men are not naturally violent, but they learn that violence is an appropriate male response to settling disagreements. Men also learn that violence can bring a feeling of power. However, men can reject the cultural conditioning that spawns this violence. They can reject sexist beliefs that women are less significant than men. We can teach our sons and daughters that men and women are equal, that relationships should be respectful, and that violence is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
From Chapter 2:
Men are socialized to view so-called “feminine” characteristics—sensitivity and the expression of feelings—with hostility. These qualities are perceived as opposite to what is required to be a real man, or a superman. At an early age, boys begin to reject their gentler feelings or any characteristics that may make them seem vulnerable. Failure to live up to the male persona may bring scorn and ridicule by their peers, so boys learn quickly to adapt. By the time they are adults, men have learned to deny sensitive feelings or have lost touch with them altogether. This “real” man now enters into a relationship with a woman, often bringing with him suppressed feelings and unrealistic expectations of how men are supposed to behave. What a recipe for problems and conflict!
From Chapter 9:
Today, many men are working to confront violence in their own communities. With the rash of school killings committed by boys, and rampant inner-city gang violence usually perpetrated by males, men are recognizing the importance of working to sensitize society and especially boys and men on the impact of violence.
From the Conclusion:
A man who batters tries to justify his behavior, yet the terror in his partner’s eyes is always there as a reminder that he—and no one else—has done something hurtful and abusive. Men who batter say, “I don’t understand,” but they do. There is no excuse. In their attempt to avoid responsibility they dig in their heels and try not to feel or remember. They turn on a kind of psychic numbing to have peace within themselves. A friend once told me that a man who batters looks in the mirror, sees that his face is dirty, and wipes the mirror to get it clean. Yet, some men do face the problem head-on and make commitments to change. You have met some of these men in this book.
