From the Publisher
What happens when we can’t stop wanting someone who won’t love us back? In Unrequited, Lisa Phillips tackles the pain of desire that is left unreciprocated with empathy and wisdom.” — Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity
“A gorgeously written, often cringe-inducing, but ultimately consoling deconstruction of the confounding power of unreciprocated passion. Unrequited made me feel both very much and much less alone.” — Julie Powell, author of Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession
“Ditch al the dating-advice books—with acute intelligence, warmth, and humor, Phillips has captured a preilous, powerful hidden current of romantic feeling. Lively, fun, and insightful, Unrequited should be mandatory reading for anyone interested in understanding romantic desire. I wish I had read this book when I was young!” — Melanie Thernstrom, author of The Pain Chronicles
“An ingenious hybrid of memoir, case study, scientific inquiry and intellectual history. . . . Required reading not only for every teenage girl in America but for every boy, man and woman, whether partnered or not, because we could all use a dose of its well-researched wisdom.” — The Washington Post
“The author offers an empathetic, below-the-surface examination of what the ‘beloved’ means to the scorned woman. . . . Compelling. . . . Compassionate and, perhaps for some readers, encouraging.” — Kirkus
“Phillips chases down the history of unrequited love, from courtly love to online courtships in which the interested parties may never meet. . . . Unrequited lovers will learn they are not alone, and they will also acquire useful tips on ways of letting go for good.” — Booklist
“This book illuminates one of our most ingrained emotional experiences. . . . A fluid storyteller. . . . Phillips makes a convincing case for the universality of lovesickness.” — Publishers Weekly
“Rare is the woman who hasn’t struggled with unrequited love and wondered why it makes her feel so crazy. Deeply researched and compellingly written, Unrequited unravels the complex psychology of this obsession and offers an illuminating path back to balance and peace.” — Colette Dowling, psychotherapist and author of The Cinderella Complex
Colette Dowling
Rare is the woman who hasn’t struggled with unrequited love and wondered why it makes her feel so crazy. Deeply researched and compellingly written, Unrequited unravels the complex psychology of this obsession and offers an illuminating path back to balance and peace.
Julie Powell
A gorgeously written, often cringe-inducing, but ultimately consoling deconstruction of the confounding power of unreciprocated passion. Unrequited made me feel both very much and much less alone.
The Washington Post
An ingenious hybrid of memoir, case study, scientific inquiry and intellectual history. . . . Required reading not only for every teenage girl in America but for every boy, man and woman, whether partnered or not, because we could all use a dose of its well-researched wisdom.
Melanie Thernstrom
Ditch al the dating-advice books—with acute intelligence, warmth, and humor, Phillips has captured a preilous, powerful hidden current of romantic feeling. Lively, fun, and insightful, Unrequited should be mandatory reading for anyone interested in understanding romantic desire. I wish I had read this book when I was young!
Esther Perel
What happens when we can’t stop wanting someone who won’t love us back? In Unrequited, Lisa Phillips tackles the pain of desire that is left unreciprocated with empathy and wisdom.
Booklist
Phillips chases down the history of unrequited love, from courtly love to online courtships in which the interested parties may never meet. . . . Unrequited lovers will learn they are not alone, and they will also acquire useful tips on ways of letting go for good.
Booklist
Phillips chases down the history of unrequited love, from courtly love to online courtships in which the interested parties may never meet. . . . Unrequited lovers will learn they are not alone, and they will also acquire useful tips on ways of letting go for good.
Library Journal
02/01/2015
In the telling of her own story and those of numerous other women, Phillips (journalism, State Univ. New York at New Paltz; Public Radio: Behind the Voices) pieces together a fascinating journey into the minds of those who have been spurned. The author maintains that feelings of romantic love can lead to obsessions which share similarities with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and addiction, and are, in fact, profoundly narcissistic. Because unrequited love is frequently a result of different interpretations of the nature of a relationship (i.e., one person pursuing simple friendship and the other, romance), the inevitable rejection can lead to shame, humiliation, and a desire for retaliation. Phillips points out that narcissists use other people to fulfill parts of the self. To counteract that leaning, she encourages women to gain insight into their underlying needs and emotions and to channel those in more productive directions. VERDICT Phillips neither pathologizes nor minimizes the damage of female harassment and stalking; she emphasizes that the societal tendency to see female pursuit as humorous can keep male victims from receiving the support they need. Her firsthand experience and compassionate advice will be appreciated by the romantically rejected and fans of self-help books alike.—Linda F. Petty, Wimberley, TX
Kirkus Reviews
2014-11-18
A sympathetic exploration of the misunderstood phenomenon of women and "the stubbornness of romantic obsession."Phillips (Journalism/SUNY, New Paltz; Public Radio: Behind the Voices, 2006) believes studying female romantic obsession can increase our understanding of relationships and gender in a way "that tamer emotions rarely do," and she proposes that a woman's fixation on someone who doesn't love her back need not be altogether negative. Through the words of historical writers (including Sappho, Ovid, Miguel de Cervantes, Carl Jung and others), studies by behavioral, social and forensic psychologists, and dozens of examples from women (both straight and gay) who shared their stories with her, Phillips argues that lovelorn women—who, she writes, experience unreciprocated love differently than men and are underexamined, perhaps due to the fact that only 1 out of 10 stalkers is female—can ultimately benefit from this "potentially meaningful and life-changing" passion. Using accessible language and terminology for lay readers, the author offers an empathetic, below-the-surface examination of what the "beloved" means to the scorned woman. Phillips responsibly acknowledges and doesn't ignore how "aggressive unwanted sexual pursuit"—including her own experience as an unwanted woman engaging in such invasive behavior, which she recounts in depth—can disrupt and ruin the well-beings of both the pursuer and the object of her attention. In fact, the confessed aggressive actions of some of these women are frightening and extreme, but the author also presents a compelling argument that, in such a heightened emotional state, women might redirect that passion to transcend limits and push toward action and attainment of a specific goal. In this way, the beloved may become a muse, and wanting someone you can't have doesn't have to be necessarily pitiful or tragic. Compassionate and, perhaps for some readers, encouraging.
