Table of Contents
Author's Note ix
Welcome, Unfit Mother 3
1 How Do I Prepare My Sacred Vestibule to Best Receive My Husband's Life-Germ?: The Ins and Outs of Fruitful Conception 11
2 How Much Violence and Lager Should My Fetus Be Exposed to as a Means to Ensure Sturdy Character?: And Other Pregnancy Tips 39
3 If Suffering in Birth Is Ordained by God, May I Bite a Towel During Delivery Without Offending Him? On the Occasionally Fatal Privilege of Childbirth 67
4 My Child Will Eat Neither Mush, Mucilage, Porridge, Pablum, Gruel, nor Loblolly. Is Pickiness God's Way of Culling the Herd? On Feeding Children 103
5 A Study of Technique Regarding Spanking, Birching, Caning, and Whipping: A Complete Guide to Disciplining Your Child 131
6 How Do I Raise a Menstruating Daughter Without Causing Brain Damage, Nerve Failure, or General Impudence?: And Other Thoughts on Education 157
7 My Young Son Refuses to Engage in Fisticuffs or Play Games with Greased Livestock. Is It Too Late to Prevent His Inevitable Homosexuality?: On Turning Boys into Men 183
8 How May I Distinguish Healthful Amusements My Child Might Engage in from Those That Are Satan Disguised in the Raiment of Light and Joy?: On Appropriate Recreations for Children 213
9 How Many Leeches Should Be Applied to a Broken Bone and What Weapons Serve Me Best in the Valiant Struggle Against Rectal Worms?: On Maintaining General Health 245
10 The Successful Mother: Are You She? 261
Bibliography 267