Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime

by Robert E. Emery Ph.D.

Overview

A paradigm-shifting model of parenting children in two homes from an internationally recognized expert.
 
A researcher, therapist, and mediator, Robert Emery, Ph.D., details a new approach to sharing custody with children in two homes. Huge numbers of children are affected by separation, divorce, cohabitation breakups, and childbearing outside of marriage. These children have two homes. But their parents have only one chance to protect their childhood. Building on his 2004 book The Truth About Children and Divorce and a strong evidence base, including his own research, Emery explains that a parenting plan that lasts a lifetime is one that grows and changes along with children’s—and families’—developing needs. Parents can and should work together to renegotiate schedules to best meet the changing needs of children from infancy through young adult life. Divided into chapters that address the specific needs of children as they grow up, Emery:


 • Introduces his Hierarchy of Children’s Needs in Divorce
 • Provides specific advice for successful parenting, starting with infancy and reaching into emerging adulthood
 • Advocates for joint custody but notes that children do not count minutes and neither should parents
 • Highlights that there is only one “side” for parents to take in divorce: the children’s side
Himself the father of five children, one from his first marriage, Emery brings a rare combination of personal and professional insight and guidance for every parent raising a child in two homes.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781594634154
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	08/09/2016
Pages:	336
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology and the director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, where he has spent his entire academic career (beginning in 1981). He received his B.A. from Brown University in 1974 and his Ph.D. from Stony Brook University in 1982. Dr. Emery’s research focuses on family relationships and children’s mental health, including parental conflict, divorce, divorce mediation, child custody, and genetically informed studies of all these issues, as well as associated legal and policy issues. Emery has authored more than 150 scientific publications and several books on divorce. In addition to his research, teaching, and administrative responsibilities, Dr. Emery maintains a practice as a clinical psychologist, divorce mediator, and parenting coordinator. He is the father of five children.

Read an Excerpt

How to share custody of infants is a hot topic. Too hot. Ever since I completed my research, I have gotten volumes of e-mails. When I speak about very young children at professional meetings, which is often, I attract large crowds. Most of the judges, lawyers, and psychologists in the audience are more than eager for guidance. They are desperate.
 
Sure, some of these professionals think they know what is best—based on their preconceived beliefs. Not too long ago, I gave a long workshop to a group of about thirty judges. I reviewed all kinds of issues and evidence for them. After the talk, one judge lingered. He came up to me and said, “You’re an entertaining speaker.” I smiled at the compliment. Then he said, “But I’m a fifty-fifty guy.”
 
This is who might be deciding your case—a “fifty-fifty guy” or maybe an “every other weekend guy” or a “no overnights guy.”
 
But your family isn’t a case, is it? We’re talking about your baby.
 
As I discuss in Chapter 4, expert opinion about the best schedule for babies is all over the map. Some suggest that parents should swap their babies across households. Frequently. There are experts who argue that babies benefit from swapping homes, and cribs, every day or two.
 
At the other extreme are experts who think it is fine for a very young child to have a daytime visit, or two, with the “other” parent every week, or two. Many experts on this side of the fence tell parents that infants and toddlers should sleep in the same bed every night, and have the same caregiver available to comfort them, if needed. Some want this pattern to continue until a child reaches age four or so.
 
And then there are the courts. Judges all over America, all over the world, are faced with warring parents, dueling experts, and the politics of “mothers’ rights” versus “fathers’ rights.” In the face of controversy and uncertainty, some judges are ordering parents to raise their babies according to untenable, seemingly abusive schedules. Breastfeeding can be used as a reason to deny more than a few hours of visitation with the father—or condemned as a manipulative tactic of “visitation interference.” Some judges allow parents to see their babies only for a few brief hours, every other weekend. Other judges order parents to transport their babies across long distances so they can swap their infant on a schedule where a week or more passes before the child sees the other parent again.
 
What does such a grand experiment in “fairness” do to an infant?
 
Over the course of decades of practice and research on child custody disputes, I have refused a great many invitations to appear in court as an expert witness. My reasoning was (and remains) simple. I want parents to work together, make their own coparenting decisions, and stay out of court.
 
After more than thirty years of work as a psychologist, family therapist, mediator, and researcher, I broke my rule. A few years ago, I was compelled by outrage to testify in court for the first and only time in my long career. My testimony, in essence, suggested that a judge had erred in awarding week on/week off custody to the parents of a one-year-old baby. The parents lived a six-hour drive apart from each other. They were so angry and uncooperative that when they met on the highway to swap their baby, they refused to share information—or blankets, cuddly toys, or even medicine.
 
To the judge, the plan seemed fair to everyone. It may have been, except to the most important one: the baby.

Table of Contents

Preface Two Homes, One Childhood 1

Part 1 Parenting Across Two Homes

Chapter 1 A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime 7

Chapter 2 A Hierarchy of Children's Needs in Two Homes 25

Chapter 3 Sharing Decisions and Time in Joint Custody: Beyond 50/50 53

Part 2 A Developmental Approach to Parenting Plans

Chapter 4 Infants: Attachment Security 89

Chapter 5 Toddlers: Testing the Limits 125

Chapter 6 Preschoolers: Play Is a Child's Work 155

Chapter 7 School Age: Reading, Writing-Right and Wrong 192

Chapter 8 Adolescence: Autonomy and Relatedness 227

Chapter 9 Emerging Adults: College Years and Beyond 265

Chapter 10 A Lifetime Is (Not) a Long Time 295

Acknowledgments 311

Notes 313

Index 319

Editorial Reviews

07/18/2016
Emery, a family mediator and University of Virginia psychology professor, takes a new look at contemporary child custody arrangements, giving parents a plan designed to grow and change right along with the child. He offers divorced or otherwise separated couples a new mantra—”We have to be parents, so our kids can be kids”—to remind them their child’s needs, not their own, are primary. In “Part I: Parenting Across Two Homes,” Emery lists the pros and cons of shared or joint custody, outlining options and alternatives. He recommends that parents split decisions and time (not necessarily 50/50), maintain low levels of conflict, use “loving” discipline, and set limits. Success lies in a cooperative, businesslike relationship with the ex. Key considerations include “child-focused decisions,” fairness, creativity, and long-term planning. “Part 2: A Developmental Approach to Parenting Plans” comprises six chapters covering the different stages of a child’s life: infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary school, adolescence, and, finally, the college years and beyond. Targeted suggestions steer parents through each phase. Emery’s wide experience with divorcing families informs this volume, making it appropriate for any couple with children going through a separation, whether amicable or contentious. Agent: Beth Vesel, Irene Goodman Literary Agency. (Aug.)

Publishers Weekly

Emery’s assessment of divorce and its effects on children is spot-on. Parents faced with divorce would do well to bring Emery’s book to the table at the next mediation session.”
—Kirkus Reviews
 
“Two Homes, One Childhood provides a crucial road map for understanding children’s needs at every stage of development with guidelines for flexible parenting plans that change with the child’s needs over time. [A] brilliant, child-centered approach…a must-read for every separating parent and the professionals who work with them.”
—Joanne Pedro-Carroll, Ph. D., author of Putting Children First, clinical psychologist, and child specialist
 
“An invaluable guide and resource for parents working together to raise their children after divorce or separation. [Emery’s] advice and insight are sensible, sympathetic, and scientifically sound.”
—Elizabeth Scott, Harold R. Medina Professor of Law at Columbia Law School
 
“I recommend this book to all those who proclaim that their primary concern is the well-being of children of separation and divorce. Dr. Emery provides practical guidance to parents, lawyers, judges, mediators—just call him Coach!”
—Hon. Ann Sundt (ret.)
 
“Emery is a rare find: an acclaimed divorce scientist and mediator who knows the realities of separated parenting. His advice is educative, reassuring, and motivating, and will go a long way to enabling parents to help their children thrive between two homes.”
—Jennifer E. McIntosh, professor of psychology and founder ChildrenBeyondDispute.com
 
“Robert Emery keeps his eyes and yours, glued on children, while guiding parents through an evidence-based approach to raising children in two homes. I highly recommend this book to parents and their co-parents.”
—E. Mark Cummings, Ph. D., Professor and Notre Dame Endowed Chair in Psychology, Director, Family Studies Center
 
“[Emery] offers a hopeful message aimed at the parental heart and intent on keeping children’s needs front and center.”
—Marsha Kline Pruett, Ph. D., M.S.L., Maconda Brown O’Connor Professor, Director, Clinical Research Institute, Smith College School for Social Work
 
“As a juvenile and family court judge. I have admired Robert Emery’s work for decades. This book is particularly relevant to separated parents. It is written clearly, and is practical, I plan on encouraging judicial colleagues to read it.”
—Judge Leonard Edwards (ret.)

From the Publisher

2016-05-14
How to ensure your child has a good life during and after your divorce.When two parents separate—whatever the reason—the child or children from that relationship are suddenly faced with the massive challenge of living in two different homes. Emery (Psychology and Director, Center for Children, Families, and the Law/Univ. of Virginia; The Truth about Children and Divorce, 2004, etc.) provides guidelines on how to make sure the child's needs and wants are taken care of, regardless of whether it seems fair to the parents. Using ample research and his own experiences, the author shows how the child must come first in any divorce, with each parent supporting the child by giving him or her a safe environment, unconditional love, consistent discipline, and minimal exposure to parental conflicts. He discusses what joint custody really represents from the perspective of the child—this often does not mean an equal number of hours spent with each parent. The concept of 50/50 custody doesn't take into account the child's desires and need to spend time with the parent he or she feels most comfortable around. From infancy through the early school years and into the teens, Emery identifies specific situations for each age level and gives parents the necessary tools to negotiate so that the child always comes first. Whether the issue is breast-feeding, finding the right school, the arrival of new stepparents, or the long distances children sometimes travel in order to see each parent, the author analyzes the arguments each parent might present. Although his delivery is a bit repetitive, Emery's assessment of divorce and its effects on children is spot-on. Parents faced with divorce would do well to bring Emery's book to the table at the next mediation session. Research and common sense back solid strategies that allow children to navigate the ups and downs of divorce with minimal damage.

Kirkus Reviews