To Have and Not to Hold: The Bonding of Two Mothers through Adoption

by Lorri Antosz Benson

Overview

When Lorri Antosz Benson, a 24-year-old successful producer for a groundbreaking national television show, finds herself in an impossible situation, she digs deep and faces the heartbreaking reality that the best choice for her beloved new baby is to be raised by someone else.

To Have and Not to Hold is the poignant account of Lorri's momentous decision to give her daughter for adoption, the resulting heartache, and later, the unexpected joy of reconnecting with her daughter and her daughter's adoptive mother. With agonizing yet heartwarming honesty, Lorri offers a profound look at a deep connection of two mothers that is born with the cry of a newborn daughter. What begins as a fragile, tenuous link develops into something dreams and miracles are made of—relationships that go to the soul, are meant to be, and are devoid of fear and possessiveness. To Have and Not to Hold holds much inspiration for any adoptive parent, adoptee, or first/birthparent, but it's a story that anyone will find impossible to put down.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781942934813
Publisher:	Familius
Publication date:	11/08/2016
Pages:	194
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Lorri Antosz Benson is an award-winning television producer, writer, author, and former internationally syndicated columnist. Most notably, she worked for Donahue, the acclaimed show hosted by the legendary Phil Donahue, for fifteen years, eight of which were spent as Senior Producer. Lorri received two Emmy Awards and ten Emmy nominations for her work with Donahue, and was awarded the American Women in Radio and Television Commendation several times.

She went on to write a nationally syndicated column for eleven years called "Talk the Talk," a behind the scenes look at the world of talk television. During that period, she also spent two years as the executive producer of Golden Lifestyles, a regional talk show in Southwest Florida.

Lorri's first book, Distorted, was a memoir coauthored with her daughter Taryn, which delved into Taryn's struggle with an eating disorder and the effect on the family. They were featured on many national broadcasts, including the Today Show and the Montel Williams Show. Lorri's work has led her to become a family advocate and a speaker/expert on eating disorders, adoption, and resources for parents. She is founder and CEO of Family Matters, her family advocacy organization. She serves on the Parent, Family  Friends Network steering committee for the National Eating Disorder Association and is also on the board of Harvest Home, a Los Angeles-based organization which houses and assists pregnant homeless women.

Lorri's latest book, Adopting Hope, is published by Familius Publishing and due Fall 2018. A tremendous resource for any parent, but especially for those in the adoption world, it is a collection of stories, lessons learned, tips, and words of wisdom from birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees from all over the country. This book follows To Have And Not To Hold, the first in a series of three books for those involved in adoption. To Have And Not To Hold covers the relinquishing of her first child, Aimee, for closed adoption, and the subsequent development of a flourishing relationship with her and her family, with a focus on the connection between the two mothers.

Lorri also maintains a blog for empty nesters, Feathering My Empty Nest at www.FeatheringMyEmptyNest.tumblr.com. She and her husband, Steve, reside in Santa Monica, CA. They have four children and five grandchildren.

Table of Contents

Foreword ix

1 Life Changer 1

2 Nine Months Is a Lifetime 7

3 Expecting the Unexpected 11

4 Secret Lives 17

5 Pros and Cons 23

7 I Feel You 27

8 The Most Difficult Decision 31

9 A Heart-Wrenching Dialogue 35

10 A Nightmare's Dream 41

11 Showtime 45

12 Your Tiny Nose 47

13 Descending to Hell 53

14 Done 59

15 Next 65

16 Sucker Punch 71

17 The Dam Breaking 77

18 Light Switch 85

19 Surprise, Surprise 91

20 A New Dawn 101

21 Baby Steps 111

22 Revisiting Grief 123

23 First Light 129

24 Let's Get the Party Started 135

25 Just a Phone Call Away 145

26 D-Day 149

27 One Family 159

28 Full Circle 165

Epilogue 169

Acknowledgments 173

About the Author 175

What People are Saying About This

President of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and author of Adoption Nation - Adam Pertman

To Have and Not to Hold will pull you in, will make you cry and will teach you a lot. Quite a combination for quite a book.

Editorial Reviews

"Lorri Benson’s book is wonderful for many reasons: It offers important insights into a too-little-understood means of forming a family, it provides a mirror for our own reflections about love and parenting, and it simply tells a compelling story. The aspect of it that resonates most with me, though, is how genuinely it portrays the vulnerable human beings involved in the process and the extraordinary impact that it has on them—before, during and after an adoption. Agree or disagree with the author’s ultimate decision, To Have and Not to Hold will pull you in, will make you cry and will teach you a lot. Quite a combination for quite a book. "
—Adam Pertman, President of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and author of Adoption Nation  

"Anyone touched by adoption needs to read this book and inhale Lorri's story. Lorri's circumstances as a 24 year old, employed woman are not completely typical of women who find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. However, her emotional experiences of learning of her pregnancy, forming a relationship with her unborn baby, grappling with her options within herself and with people in her life, and finally making a decision after Aimee's birth DO completely represent the truth of each birth mother's journey. Board members and staff of adoption organizations should especially take note: adoption is not a transaction. Our obligation is to recognize and honor the fact that the decision to make an adoption plan becomes a part of the fabric of each birth parent's life. And it is a powerful fabric indeed."
—Julie Tye, President of The Cradle

"To Have and Not to Hold boosts us all high enough to peek over the wall that surrounded the author during this deep and very personal drama. We become witnesses to the moral courage of a cast of people who know what love means, most especially the mother who was the answer to Lorri's prayers—the mother who adopted Aimee and fiercely loves her daughter—Katherine."
—Phil Donahue

"To Have and Not to Hold is a beautiful memoir about a woman who made an adoption plan and lived to tell about it. It is a fantastic read for everyone touched by adoption or even those who are curious about it."

—Adoption.com, (https://adoption.com/adoptions-books-review-of-to-have-and-not-to-hold)

"I don't know Lorri personally but after reading her memoir I feel like I do. I guess that's the point with memoirs—to peek into someone's life and attempt to feel what they were feeling. Almost immediately, I knew that she was someone I'd want to be friends with. I loved this book because it was honest. I could put myself into her shoes as she detailed the ups, downs, doubts, insecurities, surprises along the way, and the joys. The difficulty of her decision weighed heavily on me throughout the book, especially early on. But I was also struck by the strong influence of the people around her. There was a cast of characters in her life that shared their opinions like her parents, boyfriend, siblings, social worker, boss, colleagues, friends, etc. For good or for bad, this is true for all expectant mothers. There are so many voices that it can overwhelm an already overwhelming situation.

My . . . hope is that all birth mothers have an adoptive mother as loving, selfless and respectful as Anne was and is to Lorri. The subtitle alludes to this, but the bond between these mothers is really beautiful. I'll save those details for those who choose to read the book. But I can only imagine that this story could also be difficult to read if you do not have a close relationship with your child's adoptive or birth family. Though I was encouraged by Lorri's closing thoughts in her epilogue . . . "
—BeBrave.Org

From the Publisher

Lorri Benson’s book is wonderful for many reasons: It offers important insights into a too-little-understood means of forming a family, it provides a mirror for our own reflections about love and parenting, and it simply tells a compelling story. The aspect of it that resonates most with me, though, is how genuinely it portrays the vulnerable human beings involved in the process and the extraordinary impact that it has on them – before, during and after an adoption. Agree or disagree with the author’s ultimate decision, To Have and Not toHoldwill pull you in, will make you cry and will teach you a lot. Quite a combination for quite a book.

—Adam Pertman, President of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and author ofAdoption Nation

Anyone touched by adoption needs to read this book and inhale Lorri's story. Lorri's circumstances as a 24 year old, employed woman are not completely typical of women who find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. However, her emotional experiences of learning of her pregnancy, forming a relationship with her unborn baby, grappling with her options within herself and with people in her life, and finally making a decision after Aimee's birth DO completely represent the truth of each birth mother's journey. Board members and staff of adoption organizations should especially take note: adoption is not a transaction. Our obligation is to recognize and honor the fact that the decision to make an adoption plan becomes a part of the fabric of each birth parent's life. And it is a powerful fabric indeed.

—Julie Tye, President of The Cradle

"To Have and Not to Hold" boosts us all highenough to peek over the wall that surrounded the author during this deep and very personaldrama. We become witnesses to the moralcourage of a cast of people who know what lovemeans, most especially the mother who was theanswer to Lorri's prayers - the mother whoadopted Aimee and fiercely loves her daughter -Katherine.

—Phil Donahue

To Have and Not to Holdis a beautiful memoir about a woman who made an adoption plan and lived to tell about it. It is a fantastic read for everyone touched by adoption or even those who are curious about it.

–Adoption.com

(https://adoption.com/adoptions-books-review-of-to-have-and-not-to-hold)

I don't know Lorri personally but after reading her memoir I feel like I do. I guess that's the point with memoirs - to peek into someone's life and attempt to feel what they were feeling. Almost immediately, I knew that she was someone I'd want to be friends with.

I loved this book because it was honest. I could put myself into her shoes as she detailed the ups, downs, doubts, insecurities, surprises along the way, and the joys. The difficulty of her decision weighed heavily on me throughout the book, especially early on. But I was also struck by the strong influence of the people around her. There was a cast of characters in her life that shared their opinions like her parents, boyfriend, siblings, social worker, boss, colleagues, friends, etc. For good or for bad, this is true for all expectant mothers. There are so many voices that it can overwhelm an already overwhelming situation....

My...hope is that all birth mothers have an adoptive mother as loving, selfless and respectful as Anne was and is to Lorri. The subtitle alludes to this, but the bond between these mothers is really beautiful. I'll save those details for those who choose to read the book. But I can only imagine that this story could also be difficult to read if you do not have a close relationship with your child's adoptive or birth family. Though I was encouraged by Lorri's closing thoughts in her epilogue...

—BeBrave.Org

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