Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
UNDIVIDED FOCUS: WHAT PARENTS CRAVE
My client Bianca was a busy working mother who needed my help to make the space in her life for quality time with her family. In order to "be there" for her kids, Bianca arranged to work from home two days a week. That reduced her commute and ensured that she was physically on the premises, but she found it hard to relax and be present for anything — kids or job — because she was constantly distracted by her monstrous to-do lists. In her work as a sales executive, there was always another prospect to cultivate, market to crack, or pitch to prepare. On the home front, with three kids between the ages of eight and eleven, keeping up with the constant demands of scheduling, chauffeuring, homework help, shopping, meal planning, and "scraped knee" moments was exhausting. Her mind was always lost in the black hole of recalling everything she hadn't done.
"Every single moment of my life feels divided," Bianca confided. "I never feel settled. I don't have any pure moments." Bianca wished she could go to a Zumba class or have lunch with a friend without feeling guilty about it. She craved peace of mind. Above all, she wanted to be present for her life.
Working parents aren't the only ones who struggle with feeling stretched in a million directions — stay-at-home mothers and fathers experience the same pain. Running a household is hardly for the faint of heart: it's a tremendously difficult logistical task that is underestimated in terms of its complexity. It requires an unusual combination of skills rarely found in one person — the ability to hold to a strategic vision of the big picture, pay fine attention to detail, and be simultaneously organized and flexible.
Overcomplicating each thing we do is a trap into which all parents can fall. During my tour of Bianca's home, I discovered dozens of ways in which she was unconsciously making things harder than they needed to be. Evidence of her "never done" feeling was everywhere — mountains of forms to fill out, bottomless piles of laundry and unfinished projects in almost every room. She cringed with guilt when she revealed unsorted stacks of memorabilia stashed in drawers and closets all over her house, just waiting for the day she could sit down and organize them. The most emblematic example? An ironing board permanently open in the doorway of her bedroom closet, with a dozen button-down shirts waiting to be pressed. When I asked, she explained that crisp button-down shirts were her style. I pointed out that cotton shirts were a high-maintenance way of dressing for a busy mom. With everything she had going on, couldn't she switch to permanent press or cardigans? Bianca was so overwhelmed that she hadn't even paused to consider it.
With so much on parents' plates, we need instruction on how to scale down smartly so that we can be present for ourselves, our work, and our families. Your shirts don't need to be ironed. But your kids require your presence to thrive and grow, and you require it to stay whole.
A CHALLENGE FOR EVERY GENERATION
Parents have grappled with the time scarcity and attention dilemma for ages, each one trying to get it right. Although we like to say that we live in the age of overload, and in many ways that's true, it wasn't really easier to be a good parent in the 1960s or earlier.
The Greatest Generation and the lesser known "Silent" Generation raised their kids during the '30s, '40s, and '50s and focused on creating opportunities for children by building a new world, but there was less emphasis on cultivating the emotional lives of their kids. Baby boomers, whose children were born in the late '60s to the mid-'80s, modeled self-actualization, teaching their children they could be anything they wanted, but they were also stereotyped as workaholics whose children — so-called latchkey kids — often felt sidelined by their parents' ambitions. Gen Xers, who mostly became parents in the late '80s to early '00s (a.k.a. "aughts"), have been labeled as helicopter parents, hovering to keep a watchful eye on their kids and clearing their paths of obstacles to protect them, perhaps reacting to being latchkey kids. But hovering does not necessarily mean connecting and often leaves those overly protected children ill-equipped with life skills for the Adult World.
In the spirit of our collective effort to "get this parenting thing right," millennials, parents currently in their early twenties to mid-thirties, raising kids born after 2000, are spending more time with their children than any previous generation, in part because they understand the need for quality time with their kids. But because of careers and other demands, they often sacrifice sleep and other crucial components of self-care to do it. There are also enormous cultural, social, and personal pressures to be the perfect parent and best partner. Instagram, Facebook, and other social media platforms intensify this pressure, as everyone is putting forward their best parenting selves — selecting images and posts that present their lives and relationships in the best light. Today's parents and caregivers across all generations overschedule their lives in an effort to be responsive to their kids but end up exhausted and struggling to "be present" as a result. These are broad generalizations, but it's fair to say that parenting has always been tough.
The pressure for modern parents to be perfect is fierce, and the question of how to manage your time so you can give your kids undivided attention and take care of yourself looms larger than ever. Parents of all ages now face the modern-day problem caused by the prevalence of technology in our lives, of being together but apart, with everyone connected to a distracting device.
While researching this book, I was astounded to learn that there is still no single, clear description of the parenting role. One not-so-obvious reason is that the field of child development is relatively new, as Jennifer Senior so beautifully illustrates in her excellent book All Joy and No Fun. For much of history, she explains, parents provided food and protection to children, and in return, children provided labor in the fields or the family business or took care of their siblings while parents worked. But around the 1920s, a shift took place with the advent of child labor laws, psychologists studying human development, and parents aspiring for a better life for their children than they themselves experienced. In other words, we shifted to a culture focused on supporting a child's growth and development. Instead of preparing kids to replicate our lives, we prepared them to forge better lives than our own. That meant that in addition to teaching our kids how to drive a tractor, make a dollar, cook a meal, and steer clear of wolves, we became responsible for developing their emotional lives. And yet, no one has quite figured out the right way to balance this new, expanded workload.
Once I started reading the research, I was amazed to learn that social scientists have discovered direct links between the time and attention children receive from their parents and children's level of what is called executive function, which includes the abilities to organize, control impulses, make decisions, sift through complex information, and focus.
As Senior notes in her book, the impulse of each new generation to tend more closely to the social-emotional development of our children is bearing out in the research. Science today is exploding with knowledge that nurturance and attention impact even more parts of our lives than imagined: happiness, health, income, academics, and relationships.
Time and attention from our primary caretakers enable humans to make their unique contribution; they yield enormous benefits for the happiness and continuation of our species.
SLOWING DOWN TIME
Once, at a conference for professional organizers, I had a funny exchange that I think could only happen between two productivity consultants. My colleague posed a question to me as a riddle: "How do you get time to slow down?" I answered without missing a beat, "You become fully present." She broke into a smile and said, "Bingo!"
There are only twenty-four hours in a day, but it's remarkable how long a day is, how rich an hour is, if you are paying attention. It's equally remarkable how quickly time can slip through our fingers — whizzing past in a blur, unaccounted for — when we are distracted.
When you devote your undivided attention to something simple, like a workout, you're focusing on the way your muscles are engaging and you are making tiny adjustments. You're lifting or swimming or doing your crunches with better form, and that half hour is going to count for a lot more in terms of the results you see. The same principle applies to doing your job or paying your bills or spending time on a hobby that energizes you.
When you give your undivided attention to a person, the effect is seismic. By fully focusing on your friend or your spouse or your sibling or your child, you communicate an empowering message: You matter. You are seen. You are important. That recognition fills a fundamental human need in all of us, no matter how old we are. When people give us their full, undivided attention, we feel it in our souls.
Undivided time and attention is the single greatest gift you can give to any person, including yourself. If you can only manage ten minutes for yourself to grab a cup of coffee and a snack, it's better to slow down and be present for it rather than scarfing down a cold slice of pizza and whizzing through your to-do list.
Time and attention are essential nutrients for every one of us. They are also the most valuable resources you can use in the service of any task, as they allow you to make your unique contribution in each thing you do.
But it's hard to pull off giving or receiving undivided attention, as vital as it is. It's easier to be distracted than to be fully present. There's pressure to do everything all at once. Hours, days, weeks, and months can go by before we know it. And parents feel this time compression more acutely than anyone. We wake up and suddenly the kids have reached another milestone, and we missed it because we were so busy. How often do we think, If only I had another day in the week? What parent doesn't wish they could slow down time?
WHAT IS UNDIVIDED ATTENTION?
We know we want it. We feel it in our bones. And we are painfully aware of its absence from our harried lives. We use a lot of different terms to try to describe that thing we're yearning for: quality time, mindfulness, focus. At heart, it comes down to being able to connect, enjoy, and fully engage with people and activities in the moment you are experiencing them. It means not feeling the uncomfortable pressure of being rushed, and accepting the time it takes to complete the task at hand — whether it's getting your child to bed or waiting in line at the deli counter. Later I am going to describe this as "being present" — though it's often also referred to as a flow state or practicing mindfulness.
Dutifully logging in the hours or just being physically in the room doesn't cut it. If you finally get out for a date night and you spend the entire time texting with the babysitter "just in case," that's not presence. If you are sitting through the sixth game of Tetris with your daughter while obsessing over all the work you need to get done tomorrow, that's not quality time — not for you and not for your child. If you are putting in ten-hour days and going through the motions at work but getting nothing done because you are exhausted and worried about the latest family drama, that's not being here now.
Whether you are reading to your child, asking your spouse how their day was, or working out, you don't want to be distracted — doing one thing and thinking about something else. When you are fully present with each thing you do, life is generally better. Even filling out a school form or taking a trip to the mall is more satisfying when we're not feeling rushed and we're able to give it our undivided focus. You feel gratified and positive. Your kids feel important, your partner feels loved, your job feels secure, and you feel healthier and whole.
THE LESS TIME WE HAVE, THE MORE PRESENCE MATTERS
You might be thinking that giving your undivided attention to each and every thing you do as a parent is a stretch. I agree. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to be fully present in every moment of your day.
While it would be nice if we could all develop the mental muscles to be 100 percent present, in the real world that's a level of saintliness we can't expect to achieve. And yet, being present can't just be a once-a-month thing, nor can you put it on hold until the kids grow up (after all, depending on the number of kids you have and when they leave the nest, you could spend eighteen to thirty-five years of your life in full-on parenting mode). You deserve better than to always feel rushed, stressed, or worried that you're failing or missing something. Presence is a basic daily need.
Developing the muscle and skill to be present will make a huge difference in your ability to handle the vast job you have as a parent. The truth is, the more limited our time to spend on each task, the more we benefit from giving that task our full attention. That's right: the less time we have, the more presence matters. Understanding the power of time and attention and learning how to turn it on is critical for our own happiness and our children's wellbeing.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE PRESENT?
Even Buddhist monks who spend the majority of their waking lives meditating can't count on reaching that perfect state of mindfulness all the time. And if being present is hard for all thinking, feeling humans, it's a thousand times more difficult for parents. Why? I can think of at least five reasons:
The sheer workload of parenting is daunting. We feel like we're trying to keep a million balls in the air at once without being taught to juggle. We're constantly afraid of dropping a ball on the periphery of our vision. When you have a zillion things to do, focusing on one at a time is the last thing we're thinking about. Being present requires us to slow down.
Being present isn't always comfortable. When we give our undivided attention to a task or a person, we may be forced to face our own shortcomings or sense that we don't know what we are doing. Children can be surprisingly hard to relate to. Do you remember what it was like to be four? Or two? Or nine? Or sixteen? We may worry that we'll do things wrong or that we can't do everything that's required of us. When that attention is directed toward someone, we become vulnerable — what if the other person isn't ready to be present with us? When we aren't confident, we gravitate toward whatwe know we are good at. For many of us doing — rushing around, crossing things off a list — is easier than being with another person, especially a child.
Being present takes energy — and parents are tired! Partly, that's because we put our own self-care last. We figure that the kids have to come first (and work is a close second — especially if that is how we provide for our kids). But self-sacrifice ultimately backfires if you leave nothing for yourself. You'll drag through the parenting years feeling exhausted, stressed, and a little resentful. That in turn will silently undermine your ability to be present for your job, your kids, and your spouse or partner. Recharging, even when it feels counterintuitive, has got to be part of this marathon job.
Parents hold themselves to impossibly high standards, wanting to do everything perfectly, or why bother? Perfectionism works against presence and pleasure. Kerry J. Daly, associate dean of research from the University of Guelph in Ontario and founding director of the Centre for Families, Work and Well-Being, published a fascinating study called "Deconstructing Family Time." In exploring subjects' ideological visions for quality time, there was often a disconnect between parents' aspirations and their reality, due to time constraints. As a result, parents often beat themselves up, feeling that whatever amount of time they give to each thing is not enough — which means they barely enjoy the family time they do have. That same problem holds true for our work time and our "me" time. One working mom told me that she can't enjoy or focus when she exercises because she feels defeated and discouraged before she even begins. She never knows when she'll get back to the gym, she thinks, so why bother? It's time to shift that all-or-nothing mind-set.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Time to Parent"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Julie Morgenstern.
Excerpted by permission of Henry Holt and Company.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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