This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs

by C. W. Neill

Overview

Writing is hard. Millions of people have attempted to write a screenplay, and most of them have failed to finish it. Curt Neill should know: he's one of them. One day, while trying to get something down on paper, he wrote the following:

INT. I DON’T KNOW, AN APARTMENT?
CURT sits on the couch or whatever. Maybe he’s standing, it doesn’t matter.

Neill laughed, enjoyed the jab at all the technicalities that come with writing a screenplay, and realized he had the spark for a great blog. Thus, Untitled Screenplays was born.

Gathering the most popular entries from the well-loved blog as well as material never before published, This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs is a collection of the most ridiculous, bizarre, and humorous starts at screenplays Curt has created. Featuring random doodles and scribbled notes that reflect the intricacies of the creation process as well as a spectrum of over-the-top unfinished scripts, this book will not only appeal to potential screenwriters, but also anyone who loves movies or just a laugh.

With This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs, C.W. Neill provides a unique and rare glimpse into the psyche and creative process of a struggling screenwriter. From the most basic of introductory scenes, to gigantic blockbuster action films, C.W.'s imagination spans across all genres and emotions. And he's never even made it to page 2.

"Wow, this book is good. Best I've ever read." - Steven Spielberg's neighbor's plumber

"C.W.'s style is unmistakably hilarious!" - John Hollywood

"I still can't believe he actually wrote all these!" - My buddy Randy
 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780399167706
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	07/01/2014
Pages:	192
Product dimensions:	7.30(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.60(d)
Age Range:	18 Years

About the Author

After graduating from Western Oregon University in 2006, C.W. Neill (aka Curt Neill) moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career as a comedy writer and performer. In addition to performing live regularly, he has worked on numerous comedic web series and short films, and started the blog Untitled Screenplays in January of 2013.

Read an Excerpt

INTRODUCTION

Hello. My name is C. W. Neill. Welcome to my book.

Now, you may be asking yourself, “Who the heck’s this guy and why does he have a book?” Great question. I’ll answer it now.

You see, as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved movies. I love the way they make me feel, I love the places they take me, I love the words the people say while they’re in them. And as long as that love has existed, I’ve been coming up with movie ideas of my own. Like, really good movie ideas. I guess I just got lucky and have one of those imaginations that’s never ending and capable of absolutely anything, ya know?

More recently, this has led to me trying to put these ideas on paper in what is called a “screenplay.” It’s like the written version of a movie, but it’s not a book. Does that make sense? It’s also called a “script” sometimes. You guys have heard of scripts before, right? That’s what these are. But for the longest time no one ever heard my ideas or read my scripts.

Until now . . .

So one day, my best friend Randy was over at my place and we were just hanging out. Then he just happened to look at my computer and see what I was working on and he literally lost his mind over how good my ideas were. He was actually laughing hysterically out of amazement, even though they weren’t comedies. He begged me to let him read some more, so I was just like, “OK, yeah. Go for it.” Then he read like a hundred more and he loved every one of them. It was in that very moment that I thought, “OK, maybe you’ve got something here, C.W.”

Then, sure enough, fourteen months later here we are! An entire book chock-full of some of my best and most interesting ideas. Incredible.

Now, keep in mind, these are only the very beginnings of my ideas. “Idea seeds,” if you will. Seeds that will one day grow into huge idea trees that make millions of dollars at the box office and make certain people regret breaking up with me. Once I finish them, that is. But for now, it turns out just these very beginnings are already super-interesting and worth making a book out of.

So I guess that’s it! I hope you like my book. I think it’s pretty good.

Please, enjoy.

—C. W. Neill

——————————

INT. I DON’T KNOW, AN APARTMENT?

DAVE sits on the couch or whatever. Maybe he’s standing, it doesn’t matter.

——————————

EXT. WAREHOUSE

Anywhere from twenty to twenty-five GUYS are involved in a gunfight. Some of the guys are GOOD GUYS, some of them are BAD GUYS, and one of them is AGENT JOHN MACKEY (good guy).

Mackey’s a great shot, so he’s just taking out Bad Guys one by one. He shoots BAD GUY #7, but he doesn’t die right away.

BAD GUY #7

If I’m going down, you’re going down with me, Mackey!

He pushes a red button on a DETONATOR and the whole place blows up in flames. But not before Mackey and the remaining Good Guys get out just in time.

AGENT JOHN MACKEY

Who wants tacos?

Stupid question. Everybody does.

——————————

INT. LOCKER ROOM

A bunch of SPORTS GUYS are hootin’ and hollerin’ because they just won the big game.

COACH enters and blows his WHISTLE. The guys hush up real quick. They don’t know what he’s gonna say.

COACH

Cool sports, men. Very cool sports.

The guys all go back to celebrating, but now they’re including Coach and everyone’s really enjoying themselves.

——————————

EXT. FIELD

There’s a bunch of TREES. Right now I’m picturing SEQUOIA TREES. But depending on what kind of location we’re able to get once production starts, that can change. Just know that sequoia trees are preferred.

A TYRANNOSAURUS REX shows up and he is pissed.

NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.

——————————

INT. OFFICE

DAN sits at his desk, hard at work on some WORK.

His assistant, MAGGIE, enters.

MAGGIE

Here are those reports you asked for, Dan.

DAN

Thank you, Maggie. Could you close the door for a moment, please?

Maggie closes the door and then Dan immediately starts grabbing her BOOBS. She’s clearly into it, so they start French-kissing and taking off each other’s CLOTHES in preparation for HOT SEX (hopefully).

——————————

EXT. THE PLAINS OF AVALON

TRIBERION rides his trusty steed YULU across the never ending PLAINS OF AVALON.

Suddenly he hears the familiar cries of an EAGLE OF ARGLARD and looks to the sky. Sure enough:

EAGLE OF ARGLARD

Hey, Triberion, what’s up?

TRIBERION

Hey, dude.

——————————

EXT. PRISON YARD

A bunch of PRISONERS are playing BASKETBALL and lifting WEIGHTS and stabbing each other via SHANKS.

JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER enters the yard and gets this squinty look on his face like, “Come on, sun, really?”

JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER (V.O.)

I never really thought of myself as the “prison type.” But I guess when the United States government thinks you tried to kill the President, you don’t get much say in the matter, do ya? Oh well... I voted for the other prick anyway.

Then he just starts punching EVERYBODY.

——————————

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT

CHANDLER and JOEY are sitting in their RECLINERS watching TV.

ROSS enters with the biggest JAR OF MAYONNAISE you’ve ever seen in your life.

CHANDLER

Uh... witty, sarcastic quip much?

STUDIO AUDIENCE

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

——————————

INT. APARTMENT

MARY is breaking up with her boyfriend JASON. Jason isn’t very happy about the whole thing.

MARY

(crying)

I’m sorry, it’s just not working out.

JASON

What do you mean it’s not working out?! That’s bullshit and you know it! It’s been working out for the last five years, hasn’t it?

Mary just looks at the ground.

JASON (CONT’D)

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"In coffee shops all around Los Angeles, there are people who believe in the Church of Screenplays. Writers and writer wannabes, fixated at their laptops, typing out scenes and dialogue and brilliant ideas. Neill's book This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs salutes those efforts — and makes hilarious fun of them at the same time."
—Susan Stamberg, NPR Books

Editorial Reviews

"In coffee shops all around Los Angeles, there are people who believe in the Church of Screenplays. Writers and writer wannabes, fixated at their laptops, typing out scenes and dialogue and brilliant ideas. Neill's book This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs salutes those efforts — and makes hilarious fun of them at the same time."
—Susan Stamberg, NPR Books

From the Publisher