Table of Contents
Introduction: So You're Making a Person 1
A Brief History of Birth Until Now 4
Section 1 When a Baby is in You
Weird Symptoms that Might Mean You're Pregnant 8
Holy Shit, This Is Happening! 12
When Your Little One Is an Oopsie 15
Hiding It 17
A "Healthy" Pregnancy 18
Ob-gyns versus Midwives: Which One Is Just the Worst? 26
Weird Things that Happen to You at the Doctor Now that You're Pregnant 32
Somebody Help Me! There's a Baby in My Body! 34
Weird Second-Trimester Pregnancy Symptoms 37
Love That Bump, Girl 45
Making Your Pregnancy Known 49
Ugh, Maternity "Fashion" 51
Weird Third-Trimester Pregnancy Symptoms 59
Baby Showers! 65
When You Want to Scream 73
Getting Your Body Ready for Birth 76
Pregnancy and Birth Terms that It's Time to Retire 80
Section 2 Your Birth "Plan"
How to Plan the Perfect Birth for Your Baby to Ruin 84
Home Birth: So You've Decided to Shit in a Pool 88
When You Need All the Drugs 95
Trying to Stay Off the Drugs 101
Let's Talk About C-Sections 110
Your Live Studio Audience 114
Waiting It Out: When Your Giant, Rude Baby Is a Procrastinator 120
The Many Vague Signs of Labor 123
Section 3 Oh God, It's Coming Out Now
The Start, Stop, Wait 126
The Weirdness of Labor 130
Okay, So Now the Baby Is Outside of You 138
Happy Birthday, Body Destroyer! 145
Your Birth Recovery Plan 154
Nope, You Don't Have to Let Them Visit 161
Section 4 Life: The Fourth Trimester
Babies, They're Just Like Us! 164
There's No Wrong Way to Feed a Baby 169
Oh, That's What These Boobs Are For! A Guide to Breastfeeding 174
Formula Is Also Food! 189
Sleep: The Elusive White Whale 191
Weird Post-Pregnancy Body Stuff 197
More Crying! 203
Your Baby-Care Cheat Sheet 208
Your Growing Baby 212
Cutting the BS Out of Your Life Post-Baby 216
Dealing with "That's Not How We Did It" 219
Emotional Labor Union Welcome Guide 222
How to Not Hate Your Partner 225
Will I Ever Want to Have Sex Again? 228
Reentering Society 230
Managing the Mental Load 235
Building Your Crew and Keeping Your Sanity 243
Epilogue: You're Fucking Incredible 249
Acknowledgments 251
Notes 253
Index 255