Read an Excerpt
We are inside the Colin Campbell, a small pub on the Kilburn High Road. The sun is setting on the celebrations of the announcement: Brent is to be the Borough of Culture for 2020. People are pouring into the pub for refreshment and rest. A large banner above the bar reads: 'The Kilburn High Road Pub Crawl'. Another sign reads: 'BRENT BOROUGH OF CULTURE: 2020'.
The Campbell is a quiet pub, usually occupied by a few all-day lone drinkers, but today these old men in their wrinkled suits are suddenly inundated by a colourful crowd. There's been dancing; some people are in carnival-like costume; there are people in their national dress, families, teenagers, lovers. Every possible kind of person. The bar staff struggle to serve the influx of people and seat them all, but after a bit of a kerfuffle, most have a table, and now begin opening packets of crisps, or their own tubs of home-made food ...
There is, in one corner, a little makeshift stage, with a home-made sign hanging behind: 'Celebrating Local Stories'. A red-headed young man with his back to the audience has a video camera on a stand, ready to film whoever comes up to talk - but people seem reluctant. Music is playing, footie is on the TV, we can't hear the people, but we see lots of little local dramas and conversations playing out, and may notice one especially striking woman, ALVITA, WIFE OF WILLESDEN. She's settling seating arguments, she's handing over pints to people who can't reach the bar, laughing and joking with everyone ...
In one corner, the AUTHOR sits, quieter than the rest, with a laptop on her table.
AUTHOR
It was the summer of 2019.
I was back home, checking the local scene
And the whole neighbourhood was in the streets
To celebrate the recent local feat:
Winning the London Borough of Culture.
Call it a pilgrimage: all together
We crawled down Kilburn High Road, until we
Reached the Colin Campbell. We drank. Polly
Bailey, who runs it, suggested a
WHOLE CAST
LOCK-IN!
PUBLICAN POLLY
Let's get our drink on with the whole block.
And, wait, listen: here's what we're gonna do:
From right now till ... let's say ... half past two
We'll have a little contest. Your stories
On that stage. I'll be the judge and MC.
And when everyone's told their tale, the best
One will receive a full English Breakfast
Tomorrow morning, on the house. With chips.
All cheer.
AUTHOR
Everyone got on their open-mic tip ...
We had all types of people in that night,
Young and old, rich and poor, black, brown and white -
But local: students, merchants, a bailiff,
People from church, temple, mosque, shul. And if
There's a person in Brent who doesn't think
Their own life story isn't just the thing
To turn into a four-hundred-page book
I'd like to meet them. So off they went. Look
At them.
We see people encouraging each other up to tell short stories from their life, and the reaction of the crowds.
All telling their stories. Mostly
Men. Not because they had better stories
But because they had no doubt that we should
Hear them. The night wore on. I wondered: Would
A woman speak? And one or two did. But
Like the men - like most of us - they said what
They thought others wanted to hear. Or lied,
Or humble-bragged, or said the nice, polite
ClichŽd things that nice people like to say ...
We see a man and woman on the stage together and we hear the following snippet.
FEMALE SPEAKER
He's just 'the one' - we get married in May.
He's like my rock? Wouldn't you say so, Steven?
MALE SPEAKER
Yeah: everything happens for a reason
And we're just meant to be! Our stars aligned.
FEMALE SPEAKER
It's Fate! (Our gift registry's online.)
AUTHOR
Some said 'brave' things that took no bravery
To say, or were dull, or didn't move me -
Or spoke about their 'journeys' with an air
Of triumph. I was starting to despair ...
Then I saw Alvita. That is: the Wife
Of Willesden. And the story of her life's
Worth hearing.
RYAN
Tho' she's a bit deaf herself
In one ear ... but otherwise in good health.
WINSTON
And skilful! Makes her own clothes, every stitch.
That's not Armani - that's Alvita!
ASMA
Rich
She is not. But she never passed a Big
Issue vendor without chucking a quid
Their way.
WINSTON
Cuss you if you don't.
ZAIRE
Fake gold chains
Are her jewellery of choice. She drips like rain.
DARREN
Her underwear is dramatic - and red.
Like the soles of her knock-off 'Choos'. It's said
She looks bold. She gives side-eye perfectly.
ZAIRE
She's been that bitch since 1983.
RYAN
And yeah, she's been hitched five times to five men.
WINSTON
(Without counting back-in-the-day bredrin.)
ASMA
But we don't need to get into that now.
She's a well-travelled woman. She allows
Herself adventures. Self-care is her truth.
She's been Ibiza, Corfu, Magaluf.
DARREN
She likes to wander. Hates to be tied down.
With that gap-toothed smile she strides around town
Dressed to impress.
ZAIRE
Wears an isicholo:
A big Zulu hat. She's not Zulu, no ...
But let woman have her hat!
WINSTON
And a skirt
That shows her shape.
DARREN
And them shoes that will hurt
You if you're in her way.
ASMA
She's not just fierce
Though. She's sweet and wise. Cupid's dart has pierced
Her so often, she's an expert on love.
DARREN
Been there, done that. This one knows it all, bruv.
We see ALVITA being ushered towards the little stage, but she refuses it, and instead takes her rightful place, centre stage in the Colin Campbell. The pub turns black: there is a theatrical spotlight upon her. But before she speaks, the scene freezes while the AUTHOR gives her Chaucerian apologia ...
AUTHOR
But before she starts, a word to the wise:
Not a trigger warning, exactly, but
A proviso: it's not my tale. I just
Copied it down from the original.
I could make stuff up and rewrite it all
But that would surely defeat the purpose,
And if Alvita does make you nervous
It's worth remembering - though I'm sure you know -
When wives spoke thus six hundred years ago
You were all shocked then. The shock never ends
When women say things usually said by men ...
And one last thing: if you spot yourself and
Think I've made you posher or more common
Than you'd like: sorry. I've got a good ear,
But I can only write down what I hear ...
The Wife of Willesden's Prologue
ALVITA reanimates and the AUTHOR withdraws to her table. Throughout the Prologue, ALVITA regularly breaks the fourth wall, speaking to the real audience as much as the pub one. Her accent is North Weezy with moments of deliberate poshness as well as frequent lapses into Jamaican patois and cockney for comic effect. She is a world-class raconteur. She begins:
ALVITA
Let me tell you something: I do not need
Any permission or college degrees
To speak on how marriage is stress. I been
Married five damn times since I was nineteen!
From mi eye deh a mi knee. But I survived,
Thank God, and I got to say, of the five,
None of them were total wastemen. But last
Week ...
At this point the lights come up again, but there is something surreal about the new lighting in the pub, as if we are in a magical, liminal space between storytelling, memory and reality. The pub people react and laugh and groan like an audience, but they are often roped into the performance, too. Some of these moments are explicitly noted below, but a director should feel free to use the PUB CHORUS to animate and dramatize as many of Alvita's stories as they see fit.
I'm with my Auntie P, yeah, and she starts
In on her Bible talk:
AUNTIE P
Yuh nuh know Christ
Him a wedding guest one time in him life?
In Cana, Galilee? Please, niece, beg yuh
Tell me what you do the opposite for?
How come you believe you can get wedded
Five times? Lawd knows how many times bedded!
Tink when Jesus met the Samaritan,
By dat well: 'member how he cuss her, man,
Him seh, 'Woman, you been married five times
Already. You can't say this man ah fi mi
Because nutten nuh go so. Not at all.
ALVITA
And I was like, look, Auntie, you can bawl
Me out, but I still don't even get why
He said that? She married the first five guys.
So why not six? Is there a set limit?
With me, I'm almost fifty-five, innit,
And if there is a right number of men,
That's news to me. Is it six or eight? Ten?
In my view, people got too much to say;
They chat rubbish. But from my Bible days
I know it says:
We hear church music and see church lighting, and we meet PASTOR JEGEDE in the middle of a sermon. AUNTIE P and KELLY are listening intently.
PASTOR JEGEDE
'Go forth and multiply.'
ALVITA
I remember the bits that weren't too dry ...
And isn't it that God said when they married:
PASTOR JEGEDE
A husband must leave his old family,
And link up mind, body and soul-
ALVITA
With me! Yep. Nothing about bigamy
In there, or more-gamy-than-that (cough, cough).
So how come some people slagging me off?
Nah, I'm not having it. Count the pickney
And women of Marley. How 'bout Stevie?
Now, you know Stevie's had more than one wife!
Blindness don't stop him enjoying his life.
I should be so lucky as Bob Marley.
Rita? Miss Jamaica? He had plenty
Woman, and I'm sure he had a good time
With them all, back in the day. And that's fine.
But let's also thank God for my five men:
Ian, Darren, Winston, Elridge and Ryan.
As this is said we see Alvita's husbands, IAN, DARREN, WINSTON, ELRIDGE and RYAN - who are dotted around the pub - stand up and start looking at each other curiously. We may not notice that the fifth husband, RYAN, is the redhead with the video camera, who we can't really see: the video equipment obscures his face. When he stands it must look as if he is just doing something to his camera. After a moment they sit back down again.
(You think five's a lot? I could've had ten!)
But I'm well choosy. I actually picked them
For their ass-ets, different for each person.
One went to the College of North West London,
Two went to the School of Hard Knocks. The sick
Thing about Kilburn is how we can mix
It up with anyone? High, low. Posh, poor.
We've had practice. We'll walk through any door.
And that's like me spending my time studying
Five different husbands. You learn many things ...
And, honestly, I'm up for Number Six
Whenever, wherever he feels to pitch
Up. Serious: if Five drops dead, boom, like that:
I won't wait for my hymen to grow back.
That's not me. You'll soon see me on Insta
Chucking the bouquet to the next sista ...
Pastor, if your man dies, you're free, innit?
To get hitched again, if you feel like it.
PASTOR JEGEDE looks like he doesn't want to concede this point; also these questions are disturbing his service, which, in a parallel reality, is happening throughout.
Auntie P, isn't St Paul the one who said
AUNTIE P
Better to be married than burn up dead!
ALVITA
But in your church, the one on Willesden Lane
We hear church music again, and see AUNTIE P and her SONS praying in the pub, with PASTOR JEGEDE leading the prayers.
The old Bingo place, you go fill your brain
With judgement. Pastor chatting all that breeze:
PASTOR JEGEDE
... Wicked Lamech, whose sin was bigamy ...
ALVITA
How come Jacob and Abraham marry
Again? And I'm sure Pastor put a ring
On it a few times in Nigeria ...
AUNTIE P
All I know is that the Lord God him nuh
Like looseness. Him defend de marriage bond.
ALVITA
Yeah, but Auntie, the thing is, that's just wrong?
Where do you think you read that? The Good Book?
You can't show it to me. S'not there. I've looked.
AUNTIE P
Me know him defended virginity.
ALVITA
Now hol' up, hol' up, my dear Auntie P:
Thing is: I can read just like you can read,
And I'm telling you no. It's true Paul said
He didn't want us having sex for fun -
But it weren't like: COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE.
Auntie, what you call laws I call advice!
A guideline. And they all sound very nice,
But everyone got to make their own choice
In life. And if God in his big God voice
Was like:
GOD
Everyone. Asexual. NOW.
ALVITA
It wouldn't make no sense. Because then how's
He expecting to make more pure virgins
When there's nobody to give birth to them?
Please. At least St Paul wasn't all about
Cancelling things God himself hadn't called out!
PASTOR JEGEDE
We aim for chastity. This is the prize.
The contest is to be pure in God's eyes.
KELLY, Alvita's very nerdy, shy and put-upon niece, dares to raise her voice:
KELLY
But that's not, like, meant for ... well, like, maybe -
ALVITA
Yes, girl - g'wan - say it! (That's my niece, Kelly.)
KELLY
Maybe that's not meant for everybody?
Like, Mum, maybe God makes some people true
Saints, yeah? But with some he's like: s'up to you ...
Like, I totally get Jesus was pure
And he was into that but are you sure
It's got to be like that for me and you?
ALVITA
This is what I'm saying! Kelly, thank you.
Bottom line, Auntie, I have permission
From bloody St Paul himself to go fishing
For husbands when and where I feel like it.
The only thing I'm willing to admit
Is you probably have to wait till one dies
Before you move on, because bigamy-wise
That'd be an issue.
PASTOR JEGEDE
It is clearly
Said, by the apostle, that purity
Is best.
ALVITA
Yeah, but he was chatting about
Himself! St Paul be like:
ST PAUL/HUSBAND IAN
I won't go out
With you. I will not come back to your place.
I won't submit to your sinful embrace.
We're not 'getting it on' on your sofa.
ALVITA
A holy man plus a supernova
Like me? You put us together? There will
