The Teen Interpreter: A Guide to the Challenges and Joys of Raising Adolescents

by Terri Apter

Overview

The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years.

Once children hit adolescence, it seems as if overnight “I love you” becomes “leave me alone,” and any question from a parent can be dismissed with one word: “fine.” But while they may not show it, teenagers rely on their parents’ curiosity, delight, and connection to guide them through this period of exuberant growth as they navigate complex changes to their bodies, their thought processes, their social world, and their self-image.

In The Teen Interpreter, psychologist Terri Apter looks into teens’ minds—minds that are experiencing powerful new emotions and awareness of the world around them—to show how parents can revitalize their relationship with their children. She illuminates the rapid neurological developments of a teen’s brain, along with their new, complex emotions, and offers strategies for disciplining unsafe actions constructively and empathetically. Apter includes up-to-the moment case studies that shed light on the anxieties and vulnerabilities that today’s teens face, and she thoughtfully explores the positives and pitfalls of social media.

With perceptive conversation exercises that synthesize research from more than thirty years in the field, Apter illustrates how teens signal their changing needs and identities—and how parents can interpret these signals and see the world through their teens’ eyes. The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781324006527
Publisher:	Norton, W. W. & Company, Inc.
Publication date:	03/29/2022
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	154,971
File size:	3 MB

About the Author

Terri Apter is a writer, psychologist, and retired Fellow of Newnham College, Cambridge. Her ten books include The Sister Knot, Difficult Mothers, and What Do You Want from Me? She lives in Cambridge, England.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

1 "You don't know who I am (but I don't either). " Teens' Alien Self 11

2 "I feel like my mind is exploding." The Astonishing Teenage Brain 33

3 "You don't have any idea what I feel." The Teen's New Language of Emotions 55

4 "Only my friends understand me." Are Parents Really Replaced by Teens' Friends? 73

5 "I just did it. Stop asking me why. " Hot Zones and Pressure Points 99

6 "No ones ever felt this before!" Teen Love and Teen Sex 125

7 "You always say the wrong thing." The Real Aim of Teen Criticism 144

8 "I don't think I'll get through this." Vulnerability and Resilience 168

9 "I can't talk to you, but listen to my body." Mind and Body Puzzles 190

10 "You're not so perfect, either." Parents Make Mistakes, Too 217

11 "I'm grown up now (and it's scary)." When Does Adolescence Really End? 237

Conclusion 255

Acknowledgments 257

Notes 259

Index 279

Editorial Reviews

★ 03/07/2022

Psychologist Apter (Passing Judgment) brings some needed clarity to the oft-baffling teenage years in this eye-opening parenting guide. As she writes, teenagers “want to feel understood,” and to that end she explores the rocky terrain of adolescence, debunking the myth of “teen as alien” and making a strong case for the importance of listening to and engaging with one’s kid. Apter covers such topics as “the teenage brain” (which “barely registers small familiar pleasures. It requires novelty and excitement”), romance (which offers “both mystery and self-discovery”), and the end of teen years (21-year-olds are still adolescents, in terms of brain development), and offers concise advice: conversations with teens require a “watch-and-wait approach” and a willingness to back away when they’re “too anxious to talk, or need time to organize thoughts in private.” And there are plenty of concrete steps for parents to take­­—one can blunt negative aspects of social media by encouraging teens to follow positive accounts, and allowing children the ability to tell their stories can help them “put painful experiences into a broad context.” Apter’s reassuring tone and ability to cut through the chaos give her advice weight. This is a must-read for parents navigating their children’s tumultuous teenage years. (Mar.)

Publishers Weekly

"Terri Apter’s deep expertise on the development of the human brain gives fresh understanding of what it means to be a teenager in the twenty-first century—and how as parents we can love and support them best. It’s a brilliant guide on how to move from confrontation to collaboration with your teen, to make these years as rewarding as possible."

Julie Etchingham

"Superb! Terri Apter deftly and authoritatively integrates the latest scientific research with psychological insights and the vivid accounts of parents and teens themselves. This informative, thought-provoking, and helpful book will empower parents to communicate with, and support, their teens."

Susan Golombok

"Terri Apter shows remarkable insight into the challenges teens face when navigating life and relationships. Her discussion of the ‘looking-glass self,’ and what it reflects, plays to the heart of what first inspired me to create The Female Lead. I am a huge fan of this amazing author and original thinker"

Edwina Dunn

"Terri Apter is a true expert when it comes to knowing and helping teenagers flourish. In The Teen Interpreter, she explains the workings of the teenage mind with clarity and warmth and suggests ways to encourage deeper understanding between parents and their teenager. Everyone who has a teen in their life needs this wonderful book."

Linda Blair

"If you ever were a teenager, know a teenager, or are living with a teenager, you will find this wise and compassionate book to be a survival manual. These are hard times for teens, but harder for parents—or is it the other way around? Terri Apter will show you both sides, and the way forward."

Carol Tavris

"In this wonderful book, Terri Apter demystifies the often destabilizing period of adolescence. She’s done so compassionately, grounding her advice in sound evidence. Both parents and teens will recognize themselves in her lively, often moving, case examples, and both will appreciate her guidance."

Janet Reibstein

"[Apter] gives parents solid suggestions on ways they can keep their composure and let their kids know that they are trying to understand their point of view... [She] offers welcome insights and strategies for living through these stressful years."

Booklist

"Few adults can see the world through teenage eyes or write about it as eloquently as Terri Apter. In this insightful book, she documents what she calls the interplay of passion, connection, and rejection that marks the dynamic relationship between parents and their teenagers. The Teen Interpreter is a perceptive guide for parents."

Ruthellen Josselson

02/01/2022

Rapid neurological changes combine with changing needs and identities, so it's no surprise adults might need a roadmap to navigate communication with teenagers. Psychologist Apter (Passing Judgment: Praise and Blame in Everyday Life) provides a lens for examining teenage minds and the often intense and confusing emotions they experience. Apter blames her own profession—psychologists have long claimed that adolescence is a time of separation and rebellion—as the source of some societal misinterpretations of teen behavior and the relationship problems that occur as a result. This viewpoint has led to a model of adolescent rebellion and rejection rather than making adults empathetic to teenagers, which further chills their relationships, Apter writes. The book addresses autism, gender identity, sexual orientation, and the varying needs of adolescents due to racial and economic disparities. VERDICT A practical, informative guide to communicating with and understanding adolescents.

Library Journal

2021-12-30
A refreshing and practical guide to raising teens.

In her latest parenting book, psychologist Apter challenges society’s negative view of teenagers by using brain science to offer clear, empathetic explanations of maddening adolescent behaviors ranging from “rudeness” to “rebellion.” Many books define teens solely through negative behavior and emphasize parenting strategies related to “boundaries and control,” offering “analysis that reduces teens to hormonally driven neurotics.” This perspective erases the delight families can take in this time of intense intellectual growth. “Adolescents’ forthright observations, their exquisite sensibilities, their joys and terrors in self-discovery are belittled, marginalized, ignored,” writes Apter. While conventional wisdom blames teens’ impulsive behavior on hormones, in reality, these changes are largely attributable to a burst in brain development comparable to that of early childhood. The author’s advice is based on the fact that, like small children, teens are undergoing such intense development that they need supportive adults in their life more than ever before. Apter celebrates the caregiver-child relationship, encouraging active listening and showing teens how to identify complex emotions. The author argues that we must also rethink our conception of how long children need parenting; new research suggests that behaviors usually associated with teens actually last until the age of 24. Even at 18, she writes, “the neural networks for impulse and emotion control are not yet at full adult strength.” Therefore, the author believes we should extend parenting well into the 20s. Apter’s approach is original, thoroughly researched, and eminently constructive. Her strategies for using empathy and active listening to manage teen behavior are compassionate, clear, and proactive. The book’s main limitation is the lack of intersectional analysis. While the author does mention nonbinary and transitioning individuals, there is not enough concrete consideration of alternative gender identities or race.

A wonderfully atypical teen parenting book that leans into joy.

Kirkus Reviews