The Storm Under My Skin: How I Ended the Battle with My Body and How You Can Too
162
The Storm Under My Skin: How I Ended the Battle with My Body and How You Can Too
162eBook
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781504315029 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press AU |
| Publication date: | 10/24/2018 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 162 |
| File size: | 716 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
The Body Battlefield
"When you realise you are enough, you'll no longer seek to be 'good enough' for the world."
- Monica Kade
There is such a battle that goes on between people and their bodies and the war begins and ends in the mind.
The truth is it's never about the body itself, it's about what our thoughts tell us about it. It's the constant negative and positive commentary that gnaws at us from the inside.
The commentary says, "You're not good enough. You're too fat or too thin.
You need to be more muscular. You're ugly, stupid and unworthy," amongst many other profoundly untrue phrases that float around repeatedly. I'm sure you know yours intimately.
I see so many people out there who think if they could just fix their body, drop a few kilos, have abs, leaner legs - and the list goes on - that they would just feel great about themselves. I recognise it because that was once me.
Here is where I'd like to share some insight. Yes, we may feel at our best when our body is a particular size, weight or shape but there is a difference between feeling at your best and feeling good about yourself.
Feeling good about ourselves can often be based on the circumstances of our life. We check to see if all our ducks are in a row and then determine how we feel about ourselves. If our finances aren't so great, we might say that life is crap. If we're not at the body shape we desire, we might say we're ugly and feel unlovable. If our happiness, self worth or value is attached to how aspects of our lives appear on the surface, then how we feel about ourselves will continuously fluctuate.
On the other hand, our best comes from deep within and our best isn't dependent on the external. And when you operate from your best, whatever is happening in the different areas of your life it won't diminish your sense of self. You'll still be at peace because you know the external doesn't change who you are.
Are you content with yourself?
Are you at peace with who you are regardless of how your body looks?
Do you feel loveable whether you're a few kilos over or underweight - or does the number on the scale dictate how you feel about yourself?
Are your capabilities dependent on your physique?
Is what you can offer to the world going to depend on your weight and appearance?
There are countless diets, fitness and nutrition programs plus extended offerings around health and wellness out there. And while they can be supportive, you must know what works for you first. You must understand yourself from within so that any action you take to create positive change on the outside is not fuelled by the feeling of lacking something. Nor the urge for a quick fix, which is only being executed as a means to an end.
Sadly, our society has built a world where we validate our sense of self-worth through appearance. Individuals reduce themselves to a number; a dress size, weight, muscle mass, a percentage, a food portion, calories or body measurements. I did this too. The scary part about this mentality and perspective is that it filters through to all other areas of our lives, not just body image. This lack of self-worth runs mercilessly through our veins and poisons our body and mind. We measure our value and base how worthy we are of love on how much money we make, our social status, marital status, the size of our social media following, the cars we drive, the homes we live in and where we are and what we have by a certain age in our lives.
Can you see how far we as a society have reduced ourselves to a number? To be always comparing and scaling our individual value in every single moment against the circumstances outside of us?
The good news is that it doesn't have to be this way. Through education, awareness and conscious living, we can shift this dynamic but only by starting with ourselves. There's no need to go out there and change who we are for the world, rather take the steps to be at peace within ourselves, which will inevitably seep into the hearts, minds and souls of those around us too.
My journey throughout these 11 years has been my greatest teacher and I have learned so many invaluable lessons that I wouldn't trade for anything. I do not regret my journey; I do not wish it never happened. I am deeply appreciative of having the willingness somewhere deep in my soul to have walked into that hurricane. These insights and lessons have come at an enormous expense of my health and wellbeing and this is why I decided to go ahead and share this story.
The parts I have chosen to share will hopefully shine a light on the power of our mind and how it can serve us, depending on the power we choose to give it. I haven't gone into extreme detail as this story is not so much about a girl who had an eating disorder, rather it is a journey of self-realisation. I wanted to show how my deep lack of presence at this time led to many unconscious and victim-like decisions. My intention is for these stories to be a reference point and hopefully support you in recognising the areas in your life where you feel trapped. May they remind you of the utmost importance of being present in every single moment. I'd love for the words in this book to help you to realise that you always have a choice.
If there is just one insight I share here that shifts something within you or prevents you from unconsciously choosing the familiar and unsupportive path or offers up a new perspective, then I feel privileged to be of support. I know the power that one word, one smile, one hug, a quiet conversation and understanding that you're not alone can have. Because let's face it, in our moments of sheer desperation to escape the pain and darkness, sometimes we just need a little beacon of light. I hope that you may find something within these pages that spurs you forward and lights your path.
EARLY STAGES
"In a world that is oversaturated with content telling you how to be, you will only find your path by consistently going within." - Monica Kade
I remember being in Year 6 of primary school, so around 12 years old and already thinking my legs were fat. I remember wishing my legs were skinny like my friends. Now let me tell you, they were not fat. If I look at a picture now, it amazes me that I could even entertain such a thought at such a young age.
Starting high school was challenging for me. Kids teased me and I didn't fit in with the cool group. There were all these little cliques and I just didn't make the cut. Around year 8, I guess this all changed. There were various groups and I suppose I fell into one of the shinier ones. I wouldn't say it was the popular group but maybe an extension of this. I remember I started getting teased about my (now celebrated) bum. I guess I had curves. But my derrière was always the target of bullies. I don't know why. It's a regular kind of bum; I'm not Kim Kardashian or anything. Ah, the quirks of your teens.
I can't quite remember if this triggered the eating disorder or not but I do remember in year 8 I decided to stop eating. I thought I was fat. I believed if I were skinnier like the other girls, who probably hadn't hit puberty as hard, then maybe my life would be better. Or I would feel better about myself. My heart goes out to that little me as I reflect on this.
I stopped eating for about a month and nothing happened. I upped my walking too and still nothing. My friend, Zoe at the time pleaded with me that I had to eat and was so sweet in writing me notes in class and even got together a poll from a group in our science class telling me I wasn't fat. Eventually, the no food diet phased out and I went back to eating but hormones and puberty were not kind to me. I found this time in my life so challenging; I hated myself. I hated my body and all I ever wanted was to be skinny like my friends. It seemed that would "fix" everything.
My sister was very skinny growing up and so was my best friend at the time too, so I think those things played their part in my experience. I was constantly in comparison mode.
Then during one food tech term, we had to do an assignment. I did mine around anorexia and gave a short speech on my not eating stint to the class. I remember being very interested in anorexia and there was something luring and seductive about becoming anorexic for me. That may sound quite strange, I know. I didn't understand the magnitude of what having an eating disorder meant and that I would be sacrificing my life to live with it.
At the end of the term, my food tech teacher pulled me aside after class one day to discuss the matter. She advised me, as a teacher, she had a duty of care to her students and was required to report my attempted eating disorder; she had to tell my parents. Oh my gosh, did my world come to a crashing halt. I didn't know what to do as panic consumed me. She said she would call over the school holidays. Back in the day when home phones were the norm, I sat by the phone anticipating the call. The call never came. At the beginning of the new term, she pulled me aside again for a chat and asked how I was going. While I had started dabbling around with not eating again, I was a lot wiser this time around and told her there was no longer a problem and that I was okay. She believed me and this was the last conversation we ever had.
There have been moments where I have wondered if my exploration of not eating was nipped in the bud then, maybe my life would have unfolded differently? I guess that doesn't matter now.
Throughout high school I trained a lot. I was always into sports, naturally active and I lived in a health conscious household and ate well. I denied myself junk foods as I felt they contributed to my weight gain. I didn't know anything about how certain foods behave in our bodies at that time and I just couldn't understand why I wasn't able to have the body I wanted. I mean, I was doing all the right things? It was a never-ending cycle. How I looked and my body shape played on my thoughts every single day; all the time. I would always berate myself in the mirror and despise what I saw.
It wasn't until I graduated high school in 2004 that I ramped this eating disorder business up a notch. I had committed myself.
It all started with cuppa packet soups, which are low calorie but no nutritional value and hot chocolates because they helped fill my tummy and gave me the energy boosts I needed. I would froth the milk and then put it in the microwave. The foam would expand and it'd be more filling. There were so many creative strategies I began to learn that would become my way of tricking my mind and stomach into believing it had eaten.
I researched the lowest calorie foods; I knew what was in everything and became a walking calorie counting book. I began over-exercising and survived on an apple a day, or sometimes some yoghurt but even then I felt I was consuming too many calories. Soon enough, this was scrapped too. Hot chocolates eventually were phased out due to their calorie content and I switched to black coffee, with only three calories per serve. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.
I must've started losing weight drastically fast because I remember one day mum stopped me in the hallway and commented on how much weight I'd lost. It wasn't long after that she started to catch on. That is to say, she was very suspicious but had no proof - yet.
Once my family did find out, I denied everything. Mum tried sending me to a psychologist. I told her I didn't need to go because I didn't have an eating disorder. At this point, I was still a healthy weight, probably around 56kg. She was on my case about the psychologist, so I went. Of course, I told the psych what he needed to hear and reported back to mum that he thought I was okay. I knew what I was doing and plotting. Nothing was going to get in my way.
I was ready to execute this mission. I'm determined by nature and I grew up with the belief that whatever I want to do, I can do it. I knew I would succeed in becoming anorexic. I just didn't know what that meant and what embarking down the eating disorder path would entail.
That's the thing about mental illness and especially eating disorders; because the disease seems so superficial and self-inflicted, people have trouble understanding why you can't just pull yourself out of depressive thoughts or stop the compulsive behaviour. In theory, it seems simple but we all know that theory is entirely different to real life. To be honest, even at the time, it seemed relatively normal to think I could just dabble in it for a little bit and stop when I wanted to. To top it off, in today's unending quest for perfection, having an eating disorder almost seems glamorised and cool.
We live in such a different world now. Facebook didn't come about until my last year of high school, so my adolescence was a lot different to the generations after me. I feel the online space and social media revolution have contributed immeasurably to unrealistic body image and ways of living. Girls and women (and men for that matter) are flaunting their half naked bodies on Instagram and for what real purpose? Sex sells. Skinny sells. It's a world of smoke and mirrors.
Taking selfies or posting body shots for the world to see is not wrong; it's up to the individual. I just encourage those who struggle with food choices and body image to check in with themselves and see the purpose behind what they are posting. Our social feeds speak volumes. If, behind closed doors, we're not happy with who we are, then whatever we seek to find in the outside world will never fill that void.
Ask yourself "Why do I post what I do? What am I looking for at the moment I post something?" It's a powerful exercise that can help to reflect back aspects of ourselves we haven't yet seen.
It is online that we can project the life we want to believe we lead to people and for the most part, it's not the truth. Even if we're posting the truth, it can be distorted and not just by the filters, by something far more powerful - people's minds. People will always see, hear and believe what they want to. That is something we have no control over.
My intention isn't to give social media a bad rap because it's an awesome way of expressing ourselves too. I'm aware some people use social media as a way to document and share their journeys. Being able to share our accomplishments can have a very profound impact on many people's lives. Social media has the power to inspire others whom you may never meet. It can support others to make a change in their life and be a better version of themselves. Everything serves a purpose and has its place. All I'm saying is, there's a difference between barely dressed bodies, pouts and perfect poses in comparison to the "look how far I've come and you can do it too" shots. I believe it's important to be aware of the ways we use our power because there are many easily influenced people out there and it's not fair to sell false hopes and promises.
Now, for anyone who still believes eating disorders are a desirable way to live, let me give you the reality check on this lifestyle.
It is complete and utter hell! The eating disorder is a web you become deeply tangled in and it binds you in place with one monotonous thought cycle. It's vicious, brutal and will tear down anything in its path. Want to pursue your dreams? Forget about it! Want to travel, meet friends or go out and socialise? Forget that too. Eventually purchasing clothes becomes something you avoid to protect your thin body from prying eyes. Your mind will be taken over by a ruthless parasite. Welcome to a cold, dark world where love doesn't exist, fun is superficial and connection to self and others is dead. You live here alone as a hostage to your mind.
Everything you can do when you are healthy becomes obsolete with this disorder because your day to day life revolves around food. Whether it's going out for coffee, lunch or dinner, to a friend's place or even to work, having an eating disorder means you have to plan ahead and be meticulous in protecting your secret from the outside world. In the beginning, it's not too bad. You learn to manage it but eventually this monster inside you grows into something that no words can explain and it manages you.
Slowly you shut down to the world and your light begins to dim. You lose any sense of joy. You find temporary happiness, sometimes through drinking and partying, which I found was the only time I didn't feel what I was going through - but even that is short lived. Eventually, your body is so weak that running your daily errands depletes you so significantly that you must regularly take rests and nap.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Storm Under My Skin"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Monica Kade.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements, xi,
Foreword by Lisa Messenger, xiii,
Introduction, xvii,
Chapter 1 The Body Battlefield, 1,
Chapter 2 Further Down The Rabbit Hole, 13,
Chapter 3 Recovery, 23,
Chapter 4 Winds Of Change, 37,
Chapter 5 Health Starts In Your Mind, 47,
Chapter 6 Appreciation, Peace + Relaxation, 56,
Chapter 7 The First Steps of Change: Awareness & Education, 66,
Chapter 8 Expectations & Failure, 76,
Chapter 9 It's A Journey, 83,
Chapter 10 The Good, The Bad & The BS, 100,
Chapter 11 The Mind, 108,
Chapter 12 Your Body Is A Machine, 118,
Chapter 13 Start Where You Are. Start Now!, 130,
Action List, 135,
About The Author, 137,
Resources, 139,