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CHAPTER ONE
WHAT SHYNESS IS--AND ISN'T
As is often the case with behavioral research, the real story on shyness can sometimes get lost in statistics and emphasis on obscure laboratory experiments. So while I conduct large-scale surveys and observe shyness in different kinds of settings, I conduct my research where the action is--in real life. As director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast in New Albany, I listen to and observe shy people, I analyze the thousands of survey responses I've received, and I read scores of e-mails describing shy people's situations. Yet even with this crush of data, sometimes it takes the vivid example of an individual to best communicate the voice of shyness.
ONE SHY VOICE
Recently I spoke with Sharon, an interior designer, who struggled with shyness as a child. We began with her memories about what it felt like to be a shy kid and what she thought caused her to feel shy during her childhood.
"Being shy as a kid, I felt left out of many things," Sharon told me. "I was unable to express myself freely, and teachers and classmates often misunderstood me and mistook my shyness as disinterest. So, in many social activities, I was not included as part of the crowd. Or maybe I was just overly sensitive and thought people treated me differently, because I felt different."
But Sharon was smart enough to see the benefits of being shy. "In some ways, being the shy and quiet one made me feel special," she explained. "Teachers were always kind to me and liked my quiet demeanor, but always commented on my report card that I should participate more in class. I wasn't a total outcast, of course. I did have friends who were similar to me--shy, soft-spoken, bookworm types. We clung together and gave each other support."
I asked her if school gave her difficulties, or if bullies had ever picked on her.
The bullies, she explained, picked on everyone, and not just her, so she retains only the usual amount of resentment toward them.
"But it was difficult for me to speak freely in class, mostly because I was afraid that what I had to say was not important enough," she said. "I do think my shyness has affected my academic development. Without my shyness, I could have sought out more help when I was having trouble, or participated in more academic or extracurricular activities."
I asked Sharon where she thought her shyness really came from, whether she was fated to be shy by a "shy gene," or whether she accumulated her shyness through her experiences.
"My mom always tells me she was a shy kid like me, and I would say that most of the grown-ups I grew up with are relatively shy people," she told me. "The men in the family are all very soft-spoken and introverted. The women--my grandmother, mother, and two aunts--are more outgoing, but they became less self-conscious gradually with age. So, maybe part of being shy is biological or inherited."
At this point, Sharon thought for a moment and reconsidered her last observation. "I think there are also environmental factors, too," she said. "I'm Chinese-American, and my family is a rather typical, traditional Chinese family. Asian children are not normally taught independence at an early age like many Western children are. In my family, having social skills as a kid was just not a priority."
I asked her if she still considers herself to be shy, because with a successful interior design career, an active social life, and a side gig as a guitarist in a band, she seems to have come so far from her introverted childhood. On the surface at least, you'd never think that she'd struggled with her social self or sense of self-confidence.
"I often consider myself to be a shy adult, but not always," she said. "I have definitely grown out of a lot of my shyness. I see myself becoming more outgoing and more confident with age. However, in some social settings, I retreat into shyness--the times when I'm forced into certain social situations I don't want to be in and that don't feel natural to me. Most un-shy folks would probably pretend to be having a good time. But, somehow, I don't know how to do that and don't want to. Most people would probably see my reaction as shyness.
"In general, though, I can mostly go on with my days without feeling shy."
THE CAUSES OF CHILDHOOD SHYNESS
While Sharon's story reveals a smart, sensitive person who has quietly, but intelligently, coped with her withdrawing nature, her story also reveals the many possible causes of childhood shyness.
As Sharon noted, even she's not sure what causes her to withdraw--nature or nurture, or some combination of the two influences. Since so many of her relatives are shy, did she somehow inherit a "shy gene"? Or was her shyness learned from those same relatives, or from their shared culture, as she imitated their behavior during social encounters? Or was it picked up throughout her childhood from the way she coped with social or academic demands?
I believe that it's most likely that all of these factors--and not one single cause--contributed to her shyness. Because the factors are so mysteriously intertwined, each person's experience with shyness is unique-- and fascinating. Throughout this book, I'll explore the many tangled roots of childhood shyness. And in chapter 5, I'll offer a detailed discussion of the biological basis of shyness--specifically, to what extent that shyness is inherited.
THE UNIQUENESS AND UNIVERSALITY OF SHYNESS
While each shy individual has a unique voice and a unique story, shy adults and children all share an incredibly common, universally experienced personality trait. And shy people are in good company, because some of our most celebrated artists, politicians, and scholars are shy. This illustrious list of shy people includes Eleanor Roosevelt, Robert Frost, Jack Kerouac, Robert De Niro, Sting, Prince Albert of Monaco, David Letterman, Michelle Pfeiffer, Barbara Walters, Sigourney Weaver, Steve Martin, and Mike Myers. All of these remarkable people have either said that they are shy, or someone close to them has described them as being shy.
Like the celebrities I've just mentioned, shy people are a diverse group. Each of the thousands of shy people I've heard from has a unique story. Each has her own history, relationships, family, hopes, dreams, and, in short, her own personality. The cast of characters is also unique. Our shy heroine is surrounded by people who love and care for her, even if they don't know how to cope with her bashfulness and timidity. Some friends or relatives--especially her extroverted family members and peers--may not understand her, while some may reach out to her and help her feel more comfortable in her own skin.
What's more, this shy heroine lives in a specific place and time, both of which affect her opportunities, understanding of herself, and her resources. A shy person in a small town may feel comfortable in her safe social network made up of people she's known forever. She may not feel a pressing need to become more outgoing, but she may nonetheless feel limited by her shyness. A shy person who lives in the city may feel lost in the crowd--or she may revel in her anonymity. Getting help may be easier for urban shy people, while those in rural areas may lack professional resources to help them with their shyness.
The shy heroine also lives in a specific culture. Some cultures value shyness-related qualities, which can help her feel like she fits in. Other cultures--loud, fast-paced, aggressive, and individualistic--work against her shy nature and oftentimes create enormous personal pain. There's simply too much, too quick, too soon.
In addition to all of these factors, the way a shy person interprets and reacts to a typical event such as being embarrassed in class is unique, yet universal. She may decide to keep quiet for the rest of the year and hope that she isn't noticed. Or she may resolve to be as perfect as possible so that she's never caught off-guard again. She may try to deflect her embarrassment by becoming the class clown, the kid who both loves and loathes attention.
No matter which unique coping strategy she chooses, she, like all shy people, feels shy under the skin. I think of this invisible yet universal shy experience as the body, mind, and soul of shyness because it affects shy individuals' behavior, thoughts, and feelings, and, ultimately, their identity. It separates and isolates shy people in their silence and pain. This is the frustrating part of shyness, the part that's so tough to break through. Yet the good news is that breaking through shyness is not impossible, and each step in the right direction, no matter how small, is significant.
THE IMPORTANCE OF ADDRESSING SHYNESS EARLY IN LIFE
Our children sometimes seem so young and fragile, and they grow up so quickly. The world can be a scary place, so what's wrong, you might be wondering, with not wanting to engage it? Why not let your child try to "grow out of" shyness on his own?
The truth is that not addressing shyness early on, in childhood, can have negative implications for adult behavior. In fact, researchers have noted that shy children often become "off time" adults, meaning that they typically enter stable careers later, marry later, and become parents a little bit later than their more outgoing peers. While there's no indication that shy adults are less successful than more extroverted adults, it's easier to go through these rites of passage when we're "on time," when our friends are having the same experiences.
This off-time tendency can begin early in life during times of transition such as the beginning of the school year or the start of a new social encounter. Because shy people--kids and adults alike--tend to adjust to new people, places, and challenges slowly, they're often left behind others who "warm up" to new situations quickly. You can see this tendency begin in childhood. Think about a first grader who's too bashful to join a group of kids playing tag or a fifth grader who requires three months to acclimate to her new classroom and routine, and you're conjuring up images of an "off time" child. The kids who can jump into new situations quickly get a head start, while the slower, shy child holds back and waits until he feels more confident and secure.
This tendency snowballs and can affect how shy individuals approach bigger challenges and life transitions, such as going off to college or making a career choice. They try to delay going through these rites of passage, but end up hurting themselves through inaction and withdrawal.
I believe that coping with shyness during childhood--before it becomes a lifelong social strategy--is the easiest and most effective way of modifying shy behavior, thoughts, and feelings. By helping your child to understand and manage his shy feelings, you will be empowering him for the years ahead. When kids are able to work through their inhibitions regarding typical social encounters in childhood, such as being in day care or the school play, they're setting the stage for how they'll work through their inhibitions about their adult challenges, such as entering college or making a good impression on a first date. They'll gain a solid understanding of themselves and develop skills that are necessary for a well-rounded life. They'll learn how to meet challenges without giving up or shrinking away in fear. They'll feel secure in themselves and their abilities, because success builds on success, whether it involves a social challenge like joining a soccer team or an intellectual challenge such as earning good grades. Eventually, they'll gain their confidence and independence, and they'll be able to reach their goals with little assistance.
What's more, helping your child become successfully shy--still shy at times, but not limited by it--establishes a pattern of involvement and communication early in your child's life. While you don't want to be too overprotective, if your child is in the habit of discussing problems with you when she's young, she'll have an easier time confiding in you when things get more difficult and complicated during adolescence.
If you're a non-custodial parent, rest assured that you can still have these conversations with your children even though you don't live with them. I'm the divorced dad of a wonderful daughter, and although we lived in different states when she was growing up, I made a point of calling her at a set time every week. While some of our conversations were only a few minutes long, and the calls occasionally required a lot of effort and adjustment, we were able to establish a strong, open relationship despite the miles. So don't let distance or a divorce prevent you from maintaining strong contact with your kids. Over time, they'll realize that you truly care about them, and that's what is important.
FINDING A BALANCE: THE COMPLEXITIES OF HELPING A SHY CHILD
While I've come to appreciate not only the universality and uniqueness of shyness, I'm also fascinated by its complexity. As we've learned from Sharon, shyness isn't always the direct result of playground politics, biological fate, or unkind teachers. Children may be shy even when they're surrounded by well-meaning, affectionate people, like extended family members or friendly but unfamiliar classmates.
Because shyness often appears in these welcoming but inexplicably threatening situations, it's complex not only in cause but in "cure." After all, childhood is supposed to be filled with minor milestones and ever- expanding challenges--like attending day camp and rowdy birthday parties-- yet these are the same challenges that provoke shyness.
Aren't parents supposed to expose their children to these situations, even when these challenges frighten their shy child? Absolutely. The key is to prepare the shy child for the stressful event and provide him with coping strategies. Unfortunately, parents of shy children often don't know how to do this. Yet my reason for pointing this out is not to place blame at the feet of parents. While my research indicates that about 20 percent of shy adults blame their parents for their shyness, I feel that parents deserve a little more understanding about their parenting strategies. Few parents have received good advice about raising a shy child, and many assume--or hope--that their child will magically "grow out of it" without any special effort.
Most parents' hearts and heads are at cross-purposes regarding the best way to guide their child out of shyness. Parents must create a balance between protecting their shy child and exposing him to necessary challenges. Finding that balance is difficult. For example, when a son or daughter wails at birthday parties, or hides behind the sofa when company's over, or won't leave Mom or Dad's side when out in public, it's natural as a loving parent to give in and let the child cling and calm down. The flip side, of course, is the tough-love approach that many parents believe they must take- -forcing their child to take on all new challenges, no matter how squeamish, unprepared, or frightened the child feels inside.
