Table of Contents
Introduction 1
My Moms on the Front Lines 5
1 You Are About to Abandon Your Firstborn: This will come up in therapy later 13
2 Baby #1 Will Have No Patience for Your Pregnancy: Less nausea, more hustle, lady 23
3 It's Time to Get Another Watermelon Out of You: D-Day, take two 33
4 Breastfeeding Is Still F'n Hard: Your poor boobs have been through a lot 45
5 Postpartum Is Still Awesome: Now with a confused child audience 59
6 You Have Officially Lost Control of the Situation: A case study in bathing two children 69
7 Now Is a Perfect Time to Become a Hermit: Leaving the house is overrated 73
8 You May Be All Out of Shits: The first kid used them all up 81
9 Your First Child Is Possibly a Psychopath: Jealousy is not a great look on a child 89
10 Your Body Is a Wasteland: Turns out miracles leave a lot of destruction in their wake 99
11 1 + 1 = 54,623,452: The most unfortunate math 109
12 Everything Is So Damn Loud: The only time a hearing impairment comes in handy 119
13 Now You Get to Fail Two Kids Instead of Just One: Plenty of guilt to go around! 125
14 More Kids Means More Spirit Days Proceed with caution 133
15 You Now Have to Feed Two People Who Refuse to Eat You're going to need a lot of chicken nuggets 139
16 You'll Have a Favorite: Start saving for the therapy now 147
17 Siblings Aren't Nearly as Adorable as You Imagined: Sharing is not the easiest concept to grasp, apparently 157
18 You Won't Remember Any of This: You're going to need some Post-its 165
19 People Who Keep Having Kids Just Really Hate Sleep: Or themselves. Or both. 175
20 Having Kids Looks a Lot Easier on TV: Because on TV they are never actually around 181
Epilogue: You Got This 187