The Principle of: Love & Marriage: Or: How to be married "Happily Ever After"
108
The Principle of: Love & Marriage: Or: How to be married "Happily Ever After"
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781477263822 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 09/07/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 108 |
| File size: | 172 KB |
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The Principle of: Love & Marriage
Or: How to be married "Happily Ever After"By JIM HOLTSLAG
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Jim HoltslagAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-6384-6
Chapter One
Marriage in Trouble
The biggest problem in the United States today is marriage! It's not the economy or ecology or over population, terrorist threats or even the myriad health issues from AIDS to heart disease, the various forms of cancer or the rising cost of health care; I believe its marriage. As bad and as serious as these other things are, none can compare to the personal financial and emotional devastation that is going on, day in and day out in this country due to marriage. There are few people in this country today (if any) that have not or will not suffer significant emotional and/or financial problems as a result of a marriage, be it their own or that of their parents, children or other close friends or relatives. Think of your own experience and that of your family (parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings) along with all of your past and present friends. How many of them have gone through a divorce or are children from a divorced household versus those who have suffered directly from cancer, AIDS, or terrorist attacks? If your experience is anything like mine, the divorces outnumber the other problems by a wide margin.
Don't get me wrong, marriage is supposed to be, and can be, the best thing that ever happens in a person's life; a tremendous source of happiness and growth. The problem is that more times than not, it turns out to be closer to the opposite. And the down side of a bad marriage devastates not only the marriage partners but can poison generations to come through their children and society in general when it becomes the norm. Unfortunately, that is what has happened in this country; bad marriages have not only become the norm but nearly our expectation!
About 40% of all young people getting married in this country today will end up getting divorced. There are probably even some who enter into marriage with the thought that "Well, we'll give it a try, if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce." As you will see below, this is not a good plan as the problems and hassles of divorce can be huge:
FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
Consider the financial problems related to divorce. First of all, it is difficult to get an estimate of what a divorce will cost you financially before entering into it because there are so many variables involved. Lawyers typically consider it unethical to even give you an estimate of what your divorce will cost, up front, because many things have the tendency to change as the divorce proceeds and questions of the cost of child custody and responsibility come to light for the first time. Even the most amiable intended divorces seem to grow more hostile as the perceived "pettiness" from the other side creeps into the details of the settlement and are returned in kind. Then there are the family and friends pressuring the contestants to make sure they get a "fair" deal for their side, especially since it is the other side that is really at fault. But this is seldom the perceived result by either side; usually both sides feel they got the bad deal.
The total legal fees related to divorce, can easily cost each side tens of thousands of dollars if it is fairly typical, but if it becomes contentious, can drag on until one side simply runs out of money! Considering that money problems are reportedly the most argued about things in a marriage in the first place, when you now take these tens of thousands of dollars for each side and subtract them from whatever assets the couple had before the divorce, it's no wonder both sides feel they got cheated when the divorce is finalized; they are both in worse financial shape than before the divorce. The only ones better off are the lawyers and their gain had to come from somewhere!
The legal fees mentioned above, however, are just the tip of the iceberg in the real financial cost of divorce. Divorce usually ends up in both parties moving into an economically more difficult life style. The nice home that was appreciating in value (and for many was the only appreciable financial asset they had) may have to be sold in a temporarily disadvantageous market and replaced by two smaller versions that won't appreciate as fast, or by renting (nothing depreciates faster than a rent receipt). Similarly, other assets such as boats, RV's, cars, etc., may have to be liquidated at a fraction of their worth to you as a result of the settlement. The cost of food will escalate as you find yourself eating out more rather than preparing meals at home for just yourself. Then there is the need for two of every "essential" from toasters to lawnmowers where previously one would suffice. No matter how you cut it, two cannot live separately for what it costs to live together. There will now be two mortgage payments or rent receipts, two sets of electric bills, gas bills, ad infinitum. Even your income tax rate goes up when you are now single. All this extra money must come from somewhere!
Alimony and child support never seem to be reasonable no matter which side you are on. If you are the payer, they often prevent you from living above a meager subsistence level at best. If you are the receiver, it never seems to cover the real cost of living or raising kids and besides, the payer is always delinquent. Babysitting or daycare may become necessary or more frequent because of the lack of a partner to cover certain times of the day, and if kids are older, chauffeuring them to their extracurricular activities will be more difficult to share if your "ex" is even willing to help at all.
There are also many less obvious costs related to divorce. The stress associated with going through a divorce can bring on medical problems to which science is only beginning to understand the linkage. What is obvious is that lethal problems ranging from hypertension to the onset of some cancers can result from these periods of high stress. The medical costs associated with these can be tremendous not only to the victims, but also to society in general as everyone ends up footing the cost of higher healthcare insurance.
Divorce can also result in the need for psychiatric counseling for either the participants or their children because of the change or trauma involved. Often these needs go unmet because of the costs of these long term treatments or the unfortunate stigma society places on the need for this treatment. Unfortunately, the consequences of not getting the treatment can be even higher in terms of dysfunctional behaviors and ruined subsequent lives.
All in all, few people look back on their divorce settlement feeling that it was financially satisfactory to them. Sometimes their expectations begin unreasonably, expecting they would be as well off after the divorce as before. At other times, there really may have been an unfair settlement reached for whatever reason. In any case, the result is that the settlement may be later contested and the whole negative and expensive process starts over again.
EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS
If the only problem that marriages that end in divorce posed for our society was the financial hardship that it brought to its participants, one might rationalize that there are some offsetting financial benefits to society. Divorce keeps a huge part of our legal system in business; and for every asset that had to be liquidated in an untimely manner, someone else may end up with a bargain. Unfortunately, while financial aspects may be the easiest to see, they pale in comparison to the psychological and emotional damage to the participants and society in general. Let's look at some of these problems.
Chronologically, one of the first problems encountered, when divorce is considered, is self esteem: "What are my friends and family going to say and think? It appears that I have failed in a major aspect of my life, either in the initial decision or the subsequent execution, where others have succeeded. How much of that is my fault?" This starts what is usually a long period of anxiety over whether or not divorce is really the best decision. "Will I regret it? Have I tried hard enough to really make it work? Will I lose the love and support of friends and relatives that I truly care about? What will be the effect on our kids? What will it cost? Can I afford it? How will my lifestyle have to change? Where will I live? How ugly will the divorce proceedings get and will I be made out to look like a monster?" These and many more questions will fill many a sleepless night of a person who is considering divorce.
Once the decision has been made and the intent filed, the real problems begin! What was expected to be a rather straightforward "no fault" settlement usually gets complicated with unexpected "pettiness". The division of assets that should be obvious and straightforward get challenged and you suspect spite or other mind games are going on and want to retaliate. The anxiety and bitterness escalate as you hear second-hand rumors and allegations about what went on in the marriage that you know are completely untrue or are taken out of context; he drank too much, she didn't take care of the house, he was always flirting around, she was a clothes horse, and so on and so forth.
If there are children involved, there is a whole other level of problems and anxieties to have to deal with! Who will have custody? What are the visitation hassles going to be? What will be the effect on the children psychologically? When the children are with the "ex", what kind of negative things will they be told about me? Will they end up hating me? Will they be safe and properly cared for at all times? How will they suffer from growing up in a single parent environment. How will the lack of a good marriage role model affect the children's chances of having a good marriage themselves? On the other hand, how do these concerns compare to the psychological damage that can result from living in a family that is filled with arguing, strife and the other dysfunctionalities that are found in most marriages "on the rocks"?
Finally, if I ever want to marry again, what kind of problems will this divorce present legally or otherwise? If I am Catholic, will I be prevented from marrying in my church? Can I get an annulment? What will happen when the "ex" and my new spouse meet? Will the baggage from the first marriage impact the second?
As daunting as these considerations are, most people considering divorce still find this to be the better option as opposed to staying in the current relationship. This gives you some feeling for how bad it is to be in a bad marriage!
NON-DIVORCE MARRIAGES
Recognizing that nearly half of all marriages will end up in divorce, how about the rest? I've never seen statistics, but my perception is that the majority of those marriages that are not headed for divorce are not the fairytale "lived happily ever after" kind either, but may better be described as two people still living together because it's better than the alternative. Certainly there is a whole spectrum in this category of how good or how bad these non-divorce headed marriages may be, but typically are based on meeting some combinations of needs such as security (financial or emotional),companionship, convenience, appearances, "for the kids", or other needs that outweigh the hassles of living alone or getting a divorce.
On the bad end of the spectrum, there are marriages that should be terminated based on the pain and suffering that is permeating the participants (and their children, if there are any), but something is preventing it. That something could be intimidation that is often connected with situations of abuse in which one partner is afraid that any attempt to leave or terminate the marriage will result in lethal retaliation against themselves or other family members. Another somewhat common reason that bad marriages don't end up in divorce is religious convictions that marriages should never be terminated, once entered into, regardless of how dysfunctional they have become. If there are children involved, unfortunately, growing up in a really dysfunctional family may scar them for life.
Somewhat further up the scale are a large group of marriages, that I'll call amiable marriages, that are based on meeting some internal needs of the participants, other than love. These needs can range from very simple ones like financial security or the desire to have children, to very complicated emotional needs that the participants themselves may not be fully aware of. As long as the needs are met, the marriage is satisfactory to them. Also in this group, are marriages of convenience which, although they did not necessarily start out this way, for all intent and purpose, have evolved into what might best be described as "married singles". Each person has their own circle of friends, hobbies and interests; they just co-habit the same house and bed. They may even take separate vacations. I suspect in most of these marriages, the subject of divorce never even comes up. If you asked these people if they love each other, the honest answer would be "of course ..., I guess so", but, in fact, that subject never comes up, and the words are never spoken.
Just because these marriages don't end up in divorce, doesn't mean that the emotional and psychological damage they do to themselves and people around them is inconsequential! Certainly those marriages that are plagued with constant bickering, fighting and other dysfunctionalities take their toll, just as divorce headed marriages, except there is no end in sight. But most people don't realize that even those amiable marriages do irreparable harm to those around them and society in general! Let me explain. I'm sure you have all heard the joke about the three golfing (or hunting or fishing) buddies that pause for a moment as a funeral is passing by. The first removes his hat and places it over his heart. The second turns to the third and says "isn't that touching!" to which the third says "Yes, it would have been thirty years today!" The humor here touches on a general feeling that pervades our society today that this is what marriage is really like! It's something you put up with "after the honeymoon is over" because it beats the alternatives as long as it doesn't interfere too much with the more important things in life such as work, sports, leisure or grandkids. This sets our expectations as we grow up and fall in love. We hope that our marriage will be something more, but when it turns out not to be, we conclude that all marriages are like this. It's what we've seen in all the jokes and comic strips, witnessed in our parents, relatives and friend's marriages. That's the way it is; grow up and forget the fairytales, this is real life!
But there are some marriages out there, I'd guess less than 10%, that are different. These are the ones where, despite having been married for a long time, you often see them holding hands. If you pay attention, you'll notice that they never say anything derogatory about their marriage (or marriage in general) or their spouse, whether the spouse is present or not. You may even catch them stealing a kiss or saying "I love you" quietly when they think no one is watching. If you talk to these people about their marriage, you will find that they feel their marriage is the most important thing in their lives. They are more in love now than the day that they got married and it has exceeded all of their "fairytale" expectations for living happily ever after.
Can this be? Can two people really be that happily married in the long run? If a large number of marriages are so disastrous they end up in court and most of the rest fall far short of blissful fairytale expectations, how can this be? If these marriages really exist (and they do!) what does it take? Does it take finding your one in a billion soul mate that is the only person right for you, to make it work? Or can nearly any two compatible people entering into marriage make it to wedded bliss? If so, how? In the following chapters, I will strive to answer these questions.
Chapter Two
Love Today
When you were young, do you remember asking your parents or someone older: "How will I know real love when it happens? How will I know it when the right person comes along? What is love or how will it feel?" The answer that you probably got was something like: "I can't explain it to you, but don't worry, when the time comes, you'll know it!" This answer was probably not very satisfying or reassuring, especially considering what was at stake! What if I hold out waiting for this special feeling and it never happens, or worse yet, don't recognize it when it does happen and blow my chance to live "happily ever after"?
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Principle of: Love & Marriage by JIM HOLTSLAG Copyright © 2012 by Jim Holtslag. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction....................xiChapter 1: Marriage in Trouble....................1
Chapter 2: Love Today....................17
Chapter 3: So what is the problem?....................23
Chapter 4: Love....................31
Chapter 5: So Why Doesn't Everyone?....................43
Chapter 6: Growth....................49
Chapter 7: Happiness....................59
Chapter 8: The Spiral....................65
Chapter 9: Honesty and Respect....................67
Chapter 10: Other Connections....................73
Chapter 11: Q & A....................79