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CHAPTER 1
WHY CURIOSITY?
I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.
Albert Einstein
As kids, we are all curious. Kids are constantly asking questions, wanting to solve problems, looking for new possibilities. All because they are curious, wanting to learn more. Curiosity is a childhood survival skill; it's how they learn, test their assumptions, become open to new perspectives, push the boundaries of what they are capable of, make mistakes, and do things they (and often we) never thought were possible. As kids, time is a limitless commodity, and the present is the only place to be.
But somewhere along the way, as we grow into adulthood, we lose our sense of curiosity. Is it when our parents become frustrated with our millions of questions — as they're thinking about other things in their lives and are not present in the moment — and tell us to stop asking them or make us feel bad for asking them? Is it when our teachers, who don't have the time or means to answer the myriad of questions thrown at them, dismiss these questions or make us feel we aren't smart enough because we don't already know the answer?
Sadly, however it happens, curiosity in adulthood is hard to find. We live in a time-pressured world, always anticipating what is coming next with little time to be curious about what is happening now.
A recent Globe and Mail (BC) interview with Brigid Schulte, author of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play: When No One Has the Time, pointed out that North Americans feel they are time constrained, which impacts their ability to be curious. Our offices are now our homes; our homes are now our offices. Technology tracks our every move, "connecting" us with friends on social media. Expectations of people are high, and people are trying to do everything at once. As a consequence, our communication is brief and our instructions shallow, leaving little room for listening, inquiry, and understanding.
But curiosity shouldn't be something we grow out of. In fact, curiosity has been recognized as one of the most important skills needed by a leader today. In 2011, Forbes recognized curiosity as "the one trait all innovative leaders share," using the success of Steve Jobs as an example: "Jobs wasn't curious because he wanted to be successful. He became successful because he was so curious."
What Is Curiosity?
Curiosity is one of the great secrets of happiness.
Bryant H. McGill
What does curiosity mean, and why is it so important? We think of curiosity as exploration: being inquisitive, seeking to learn and understand. Some associate curiosity with being nosy. After all, aren't we being nosy if we are curious about another person, asking personal questions? We believe there is a difference between the two. Nosy people ask questions and proceed to judge the answers provided. Their intention is not to learn about the other person, but to compare, perhaps wanting to determine who is better or worse. In contrast, true curiosity holds no judgment. It is about exploring and learning with the goal of greater understanding, which is free from judging. When curious people ask a question, their only intention is to better understand, whether it is another person, an idea, a place, an origin, or anything that creates an interest in further exploration.
We are, in fact, wired for curiosity as human beings. Findings in neuroscience have confirmed that when we are curious about something, the hormones dopamine and oxytocin, our natural "feel good" chemicals, are released in our brains. Not only do these hormones make us feel good, they also create a connection between the heart and the brain that leads to a greater sense of openness. As a result, we experience a greater sense of connection with others, which supports the creation of a new, shared reality based on understanding.
A New Communication Paradigm
Of course, curiosity does more than make us feel good. As we mentioned in the Introduction, we believe it can help us successfully navigate our transition from the hierarchical Industrial Era to the more collaborative Information Age. Specifically, curiosity can form the basis of a new communication paradigm that helps us create the conversations we need to better understand other perspectives and view increased diversity as a positive opportunity rather than a challenge or a threat. This new communication paradigm can help fuel innovation in any context, whether it's organizations wanting collaboration, innovation, inspiration, transparency, and engagement from their employees, or parents wanting to avoid making the same "mistakes" their parents made with them.
Before we get into the specific skills of curiosity this new communication paradigm includes, let's take a closer look at the specific communication shifts we need to make and how curiosity can fuel these shifts.
Shift from Telling to Asking
Based on our experience with our clients, telling is the most common approach to leadership, parenting, and conversing with others. People love to tell others what to do; they believe providing advice is "helpful," even if the advice is not requested. Telling worked in the Industrial Era because it was hierarchal in structure. This communication style implied the teller inherently had valuable information to provide and knew the correct solution, suggesting the recipient of the advice was less knowledgeable than the teller. In the Information Age, people have more equal access to knowledge and, with the help of technology, are generally able to find their own solutions. If someone wants advice, they will ask for it. In general, telling is no longer well received. It can be perceived as lacking in respect, narrowing opportunities and shutting down possibilities by implying that the individual is incapable of solving a problem.
When Telling Is Useful: There are times, however, where telling is important and needed. Professionals who have years of training are sought out for their knowledge and expertise. They are expected to tell, advise, or prescribe. It is why people hire them. However, transferring this approach to conversations with colleagues or family is less effective, once again implying (whether intentionally or not) they are better or wiser than the person being offered the advice.
As an occupational therapist and physician coach, I (Kathy) have worked a great deal in the healthcare industry and find healthcare professionals are effective tellers when diagnosing, prescribing for, and working with patients. Unfortunately, there is a tendency to use this same approach in meetings with colleagues. For example, some of my coaching clients with leadership roles in the healthcare industry notice, when chairing meetings, their teams tend to move very quickly through meeting agendas. The first one to speak offers a solution, and others tend to accept this solution and want to move on to the next item without discussion. At the same time, others don't say a word, even though these leaders know those individuals have great ideas and could contribute if given an opportunity.
How can leaders incorporate curiosity into such a situation? As they begin to use their Curiosity Skills, they shift from telling to asking open questions that encourage dialogue and the generation of ideas. As a result, their team is able to create better solutions — solutions their team will willingly buy into and be accountable for. Some leaders even create agendas where each item is stated as an open question, encouraging everyone to be curious about the issues at hand and contribute to the conversation.
Curiosity provides leaders an opportunity to approach conversations differently, as equal participants who want to better understand others, not just tell them what to do — directly meeting the needs of leadership today. Telling is such an important communication characteristic that we have devoted an entire chapter to it (chapter 4), where we will show you how to use the Curiosity Skill of asking open questions, giving you a deeper understanding of when to ask and when to tell.
Shifting from Judging to Accepting
"Don't judge me!" is an expression we hear so frequently these days. We find people in our society are becoming super aware of when they are being judged and are speaking out, often defiantly. So why do we judge?
For most people, judging is a coping mechanism used to ensure they see themselves as better than (or less than) others. It helps people differentiate themselves. Such situations can occur every day when the "gremlin" voice inside their heads is constantly criticizing others, deciding their way, their style, or their expression is better or worse than another's. It helps people feel superior or inferior, which for some is needed to thrive. We see it as a throwback to the Industrial Era when we all thought in hierarchal terms.
Let's use a practical example. Imagine you are a leader of a team, and a team member has submitted a report you feel is shockingly bad. It's incomplete, inaccurate, and you are embarrassed to have a team member submit such work to you. You know they can do better than this. You ask your team member to meet with you and the conversation goes something like this:
Leader: "You have written a really bad report. In fact, it is incomplete, inaccurate, and just plain useless."
Team member: "I am sorry. I thought I had written exactly what you told me to write."
Leader: "No, you obviously did not listen. This is full of mistakes and the format is all wrong. I can't believe you did such a sloppy job. Go and do it again. See if you can be smarter this time!"
As the leader, how are you feeling? How do you think this team member is feeling? How have you supported this team member to write a better report? Have you engaged your team member, or inspired them to improve? How productive do you think this team member will be moving forward?
Now, as the leader, imagine that rather than judging this team member's work, you chose to be curious about the reasons she completed it this way.
Leader: "I have just read your report, and I don't think it is up to par. What do you think of it?
Team member: "I am not sure what I think about it. Although I thought a different approach might be more effective, I decided I should use the one suggested at our last meeting."
Leader: "What source did you use to obtain the information you included?"
Team member: "I retrieved all the information from our files on the cloud."
Leader: "I am wondering — how accurate do you think the information is on our cloud?"
Team member: "I found the information to be outdated. I think I can contact the other managers and ask them to provide me with their current information, which will be more accurate."
Leader: "What format did you use?"
Team member: "The format used was the one agreed to at the last meeting. How would you like to see the report formatted?"
Leader: "I am not sure. I want the information to be easy to read and presented so I can easily look at both years and see what has changed."
Team member: "It sounds as if you want to be able to easily compare one year to another. I have a different format I have been playing with and can show you if you want. I think it provides the information in a more user-friendly way that better meets your needs."
Leader: "I would appreciate seeing the other format. I like the idea of going directly to the other managers. When do you think you can have a revised report on my desk?"
Team member: "I will send you a copy of my suggested format and circulate it to the other managers for their input, if you like. I should be able to get the information from each of them in the next three days and have the revised report on your desk by the end of the week, provided the format is agreed upon."
Leader: "Sounds good. I would appreciate you forwarding me your suggested format as soon as possible, and I agree the other managers should see it. Thanks."
As the leader, what did you notice? How do you think this team member is feeling now?
Looking at the two examples above, which example is most in line with your leadership style?
While the second conversation took slightly longer, it had a very different outcome. Each became curious about how they arrived at the place where the report produced did not meet their standards. Rather than judging the team member based on what the leader thought was right or wrong, this communication approach was open to new possibilities, accepted that there was more than one way to approach writing a report, and created the opportunity to co-create the desired outcome. In the long run, the second conversation is much more likely to produce a report that meets the needs of the leader, team, and organization.
When we judge others, we become closed to understanding them and therefore reject them based on their choices. In contrast, when we become curious, we choose to understand them, become open to new perspectives, find common ground upon which we can build agreement, and accept that there is not just one way to do anything.
When Judging Is Useful: Although judging is frequently criticized in our society, like so many other traits it can be valuable at the appropriate time and place. Judgment is fundamental for any expert as they make recommendations, develop ideas, and make needed decisions. Judgment is also valuable in the context of moral issues, ethics, safety issues, and emergencies. People look to the leader who has sound judgment and can make quick decisions in times of crisis. This kind of judgment is not what we are referring to in the examples above. In chapter 4, we will talk about how the Curiosity Skill of asking curious, open questions can shift unhelpful judgment to acceptance.
Shift Blaming to Non-blaming
How often do you walk away from a conversation feeling you have done something wrong — and you have no idea what you've done? How did you feel? How does it affect your relationship with the person casting blame on you? Blaming can make us feel inadequate, not good enough, hurt, upset, or ashamed. Sadly, feeling blamed can happen any time. Our society seems to be hardwired to find someone to blame for anything perceived to have gone wrong. Whether we are at the office, home, online, or offline, blaming is a universal language, and we often do it without realizing it.
We find it interesting that people jump to conclusions in so many situations, assuming a particular person is to blame for whatever has just occurred. We are all human, and as such are all very capable of making mistakes. Mistakes provide a great opportunity for one to learn; however, if blame is added to the mix, how does it impact the learning moment? What is the expectation when we blame someone? How do we know they have learned anything from the mistake that was made?
Imagine you are one of four office assistants at an organization. Part of your job is to keep the storeroom neat and organized, which involves moving heavy boxes, unpacking them, and organizing their contents so everyone can access items easily. Safety is very important to your organization; they have rules, everyone knows, that ensure no one lifts too much weight, so employees are expected to ask for help from another when moving the heavy boxes. You worked in the storeroom three days ago and pushed some of the boxes around. You took the next two days off complaining of back pain. When you returned to work, Ann, the office administrator, wanting to ensure safe practices, decides to have a conversation with you about this incident.
Ann: "Hi. I understand you hurt your back working in the storeroom three days ago."
You: "Yes, I was pushing boxes around that were full. I found I needed to lift one over another, and I strained my back."
Ann: "You know there is an expectation that you never lift a box by yourself. Why would you do this?"
You: "I thought I could do it by myself."
Ann: "You are a good employee, and I expect more of you. You know the rules about safety. Please make sure this never happens again."
You: "Yes, Ann."
As an office assistant, how are you feeling when you leave Ann's office? How are you feeling about having Ann as your supervisor? What have you learned that will help you do things differently next time? How does Ann know that you, as the office assistant, will never do this again?
The reality is that nothing has changed, and no learning has occurred. You, the office assistant, likely feel blamed and through fear may never make the same mistake again; however, you may repeat the error because you have learned nothing. For one to change a behavior, one needs to learn how to do something differently to ensure the same thing doesn't happen again.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Power of Curiosity"
by .
Copyright © 2015 KATHY TABERNER AND KIRSTEN TABERNER SIGGINS.
Excerpted by permission of Morgan James Publishing.
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