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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780895560681 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Gateways Books & Tapes |
| Publication date: | 12/01/2000 |
| Edition description: | Second Edition, Second edition |
| Pages: | 368 |
| Sales rank: | 1,130,823 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.38(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Apres Vie Check List A Basic Inventory
If you do not take it with you, or send it ahead, you will not have it.
1. Do you have a well-trained attention?
2. Do you have at least a partially-trained attention?
3. Do you have an attitude?
4. Is this attitude like "Whoa! That dude's got an attitude" or is it something like "Yeah, sure let's give it a go?"
5. Do you recognize that you're dead? Or, do you still think that you're alive?
6. When you mutter under your breath to yourself, is anyone listening?
7. When you see a naked hunk or babe of the appropriate sex do you get like all hot and anxious — if you know what I mean?
8. Do you still have the habit of breathing?
9. How about your heartbeat — is it still going?
10. Do you have an irresistible urge to jump back into anything that resembles your previous life — even if it might only be a slightly warmed meat loaf sandwich?
11. Are you carrying any weapons? If so, what caliber?
12. Do you have any cookies or other goodies on you?
13. Would you enter this warm, dark, safe looking hallway if I promised you a cookie?
14. Do you have pockets?
15. Do you have hands?
16. Do you have any BardoMania trading cards in your hands or pockets?
17. Do you have a copy of the Handbook for the Recently Deceased?
18. It's ten o'clock, do you know what time it is?
19. Do you have matches and a pocket knife?
20. Is your butt in the front or in the back?
21. Do you have a face? If so, where is it?
22. What's your attitude about just sitting in one spot for a very long time, or do you have something really important to get back to?
23. If you had to choose between having 1) Sex, 2) A cheeseburger, 3) A DeSoto four door, 4) A safe warm place to poo, or 5) none of the above ever again, which would you choose?
24. If you could trade your kingdom, would you trade it for a 1) horse, 2) whores, 3) horrors, 4) hors, 5) horahs, 6) horst, 7) Horus, 8) houri, or 9) instructions to the nearest BardoMania Shop?
If the answer to the above question is "you would trade your kingdom for instructions to the nearest BardoMania Shop", then the next chapter will be of interest to you. If your answer was any of the other sound-alikes you will want to read the lovely chapter, "What to do if you have evil, foul, disgusting, low-life, rebirth-seductive primate tendencies and/or a bad opinion of yourself." Or, perhaps, if you do not wish to confront even the smallest truth about yourself, you would rather proceed to the nearest escalator, dark hallway, frantically panting couple, small safe space or any one of several billion possible rebirth stations.
What to do if you have evil, foul, disgusting, low-life, rebirth-seductive primate tendencies and/or a bad opinion of yourself.
Here's the part where we talk about cleansing radiations. They are your friend. They don't ask to borrow money, they don't hassle you for being a creep, they don't lay an attitude on you, they don't want you to take out the garbage, they don't expect you to remember major or minor holidays, they don't have any (not any) expectations of you. In fact, all that the cleansing radiations do is fry away various components of karmic attachments and tendencies, violent aggression, antagonism, anger, hatred, pride, arrogance, inability to wonder, intense desire, passions, uncontrollable hungers, envy, jealousy, rivalry, competitiveness, unconsciousness, apathy and sleep. Real bummers of companions if you want to keep any of that stuff around. The attitude of the cleansing radiations is something like "if it can be fried off, it should be."
Actually there isn't much to talk about. When the cleansing radiations hit you will probably run freaking away as fast as you can. Or perhaps you are more the tighten-up-so-tense-that-even-if-the -cleansing-radiations-get-through-they-can't-have-much-of-an-effect type. This is rather unfortunate if you wish to be a socially savvy bardo voyager, but at least you get to keep all that nifty stuff that you collected on your various sojourns to the Urth and other phenomenal vacation spots.
If by some quirk of fate you heard about these cleansing radiations while you were alive and could bring yourself to practice new habits, then maybe you have half a chance.
Just on the off chance that you may remember any of this book during your next incarnation — which you are most likely going to enter sometime during the next few minutes of subjective time, we will give you the "Great and Glorious Partial Instructions For What To Do With The Cleansing Radiations."
CHAPTER 2The "Great and Glorious Partial Instructions For What To Do With The Cleansing Radiations"
Step 1 ) Find a source of cleansing radiations. (Urthside BardoMania shops sell an interesting variety of these.)
Step 2) Sit, stand, crawl, writhe or whatever as long as you are there in front of the radiations.
Step 3) Somehow welcome the radiations and try to let them do their work without too much resistance.
Step 4) Do this a whole bunch.
Step 5) Try to be grateful that you are getting fried in this way and not something even more revolting.
Step 6) Look for cleansing radiations in the place where you find them.
On the off chance that you are not in such rotten shape and a little spot cleaning might be sufficient to get you presentable for polite bardo company, try to get your nonphenomenal butt to a BardoMania shop on this side of the veil. They have radiation booths that can chip off the worst of it.
The trick question is "Have you got enough of your bardo warts burnt away so that you can get past the shocking ambushes of the bardo that lay between here and the next BardoMania Shop?" If you are clean enough to make it to the next shop you can spruce up a bit.
You can try a mantrum from the list below as you walk to the shop.
"I can wait at least until after I find a BardoMania Shop to worry about finding a soul-mate. You know, someone that is really spiritual, on the path to higher consciousness and has a great bod."
"I don't need a hamburger right this minute."
"I can beat the 'leftover digestive products' out of that little creep after I come back from the BardoMania Shop."
"Even if the BardoMania clerk is a Venusian scum, I can overcome my pride and arrogance just long enough to schedule a cleansing radiation session from the little wart."
"Just because I'm not here he will get her, but that is okay, at least until I visit the shop for one cleansing session."
If you can keep it together just long enough to make it to a BardoMania shop you may have a 1 quadrillionth of a chance of making it through the Bardo. If you are going to let the impossibility of the task get in the way of trying, then everything that all those folks said about you is true — and you are a doo-doo shee-shee head as well.
CHAPTER 3The Next Chapter
How to Find a BardoMania Shop
If you are wearing red shoes, tap your heels together and repeat after me "There's no place like a BardoMania Shop, There's no place like a BardoMania Shop, There's no place like a BardoMania Shop."
If the above did not transport you instantly and without delay to a BardoMania Shop, you will need to try a more direct approach.
The Great and Amazing First Steps to Finding a BardoMania Shop
Step 1) Check your pockets (if you have any) for a two-for-one ticket to a BardoMania shop — there is a map on the back.
Step 2) Look for a sign or poster in the local vicinity.
Step 3) Look for any individual wearing a BardoMania uniform — follow them. They are either your friend, a demon sent to deceive you or someone just as lost as you, and, whichever case, it should prove to be interesting.
If you are wearing a BardoMania uniform, and you have developed the habit of handing out two-for-one tickets during your life on planet Urth, then simply head back to the BardoMania Shop for extra tickets. Let your habits carry you back the same way that an old plug can find its way back to the barn, especially at meal times.
O' great and glorious bardo voyager what do you do if none of the above suggestions have any relevance to your situation?
Well, in a situation such as this, the first rule of thumb is:
"Don't Panic"
Well, in a situation such as this, the second rule of thumb is:
"Don't Panic"
Well, in a situation such as this, the third rule of thumb is:
"Don't Panic"
Now that we have that established, let's see what more specific suggestions we can come up with.
Let's try this one:
Step 1) Shut your eyes.
Step 2) Repeat after me, "It would be really nice if when I open my eyes I am in a BardoMania shop."
Step 3) Open your eyes.
Did that one work? If not, you are being forced through the concatenation of the way things are to get a little more active in the search.
Look around and see in which general direction everyone is going. You know, get the idea of where the bardo in-crowd is headed. All right now, don't go that way. Pick any direction other than the direction they are headed and go that way. Just because they seem to have gotten to the bardo ahead of you doesn't mean that they know any better what to do than you do. In fact, as a general rule "Zig when they Zag."
As you are walking, walk with a sense of purpose, authority, and act as if you belong here. If you can't whomp up the sense of it at least generate the appearance. A world of hurt can be avoided if you don't insist on looking like a lost wet poodle frantically searching for a leg to hump and/or a foot to kick you.
Eventually you will come upon a sign of some sort. If the sign has the words BardoMania emblazoned across the top, check it out. Is there a little arrow pointing in some direction? Go that way. Do you see a BardoMania logo? Go the direction it indicates.
If you haven't the foggiest idea what a BardoMania logo looks like, if you wouldn't know how to follow its indications (even if you could recognize one), then jump over your own knees and kick your own butt for not playing "The BardoMania Logo Game" during your brief and obviously fruitless stay on planet Urth.
By following these signs and posts-on-the-way you should find yourself at a BardoMania shop within a millennium or two.
If you should happen to see a fellow wandering around with a sandwichsign declaring "Follow me to the BardoMania Shop" do not follow him — he is paid to wander around. Rather offer to do his job for him, sans pay, and ask him for directions on where to take the sign at the end of the day. Do pay particular close attention to the instructions, he might not be inclined to repeat them. If you have earned your Pathfinder's badge from BardoMania while alive this should be easy.
CHAPTER 4How to behave when you first find the BardoMania Shop
Screaming, yelling, falling down on your knees, kissing the BardoMania trademark floor mat and generally groveling around with gratitude may serve to indicate your relief at finding the BardoMania Shop, but, it also shows in general a definite lack of decorum and is unsanitary besides.
Try to behave as if you have just been there this morning and you are returning for some trifle or other — no big deal. Demonstrate at least some degree of sophistication. If you appear to be a seasoned veteran the local authorities will have more of a tendency to leave you alone and the BardoMania shopkeepers will treat you more like a frequent flier. If you look to be a brand new fish, fresh at it, the authorities will feel more justification in protecting you from the intervening effect of the BardoMania Shop. It is not in the interest of efficient flow of the bardo to have too many individuals that are "wised up," "in the know" or "with it." Contrary to what the New Age preachers of love and harmony may have instilled in your little pea brain, which you should have left with the corpse at the funeral, the bardo is not single-mindedly directed to making your voyage a simple and profitable one. If "I had nothing but myself to make the world and out of myself the world was made" why wouldn't the bardo be directed to my convenience? Well, until you're asking yourself that question then that should be answer enough for you.
Look around as if you are looking for some "little thing." Browse the shelves, counters and displays taking note of the shop's general inventory. You can develop a familiarization with jargon. Also, use the time to clarify an initial aim.
The question of money will eventually arise. Sessions in the cleansing radiation booth cost, tools and training also carry with them an expense. There are various ways to handle this little dilemma.
First check your pockets. Do you have BardoMania Trading Cards? These can be used for barter. Do you have any other items that you would consider as available for barter? Body parts are generally not wanted in trade and have little value except to the original owner. Don't neglect your stock of jokes. In the bardo, jokes can be worth their nonphenomenal weight in alchemical gold.
A long shot that may pay off extremely well is to walk up to the BardoMania counter and ask the attendant to check your account and see what your balance is. If you have a debit balance, no harm done, the attendant will see it when you make your first transaction anyway. And, who knows, you may have a good-sized credit balance available for your use.
If you don't have a credit balance and have no material for barter, you will need to work out an alternate method of getting access to the material in a BardoMania Shop.
Here are a few possibilities:
Volunteer to give out two-for-one tickets in the mall. As you receive your stack of tickets you can ask for the loan of a BardoMania uniform. This is one good reason not to have total faith in someone just because they are wearing a BardoMania uniform. You are about to be so clothed yourself and you know what a ding-dong you are. In addition to the uniform you may wish to ask the attendant if there is anything that you should know about the local neighborhood so that your handing out of the tickets can proceed without interruption — such as your untimely rebirth, harassment by the black-gang or similar unfortunate events. You may wish to try something like,
"Gosh, you say there is a burger stand on my ticket route. How about a short zap of the ol' cleansing radiations to knock a few of the edges from a small problem I am having with hungers? It would be a shame for you to lose this nifty uniform should I not be able to make it back because of this minor problem concerning cheeseburgers."
If you don't feel up to the challenge of walking around the mall just at the moment, you could volunteer to clean the counter fronts or mop the floor since some joker wet him or her self with excitement at finding the shop (no need to mention your name, the attendant may have the courtesy to not bring up the fact that it was you). Then you could try something like,
"Golly gee-wiz, I just don't seem to have the attention necessary to catch each and every little speck of dirt. Do you have some kind of hint or training program that would help me get my attention up to the point that I can catch the hard-to-find smudges? It's not for me, you understand, I would just like to do my job a bit better, you see." Later you will realize that it really wasn't for you all along.
Or perhaps you may have noticed that they have a new Virtual Reality Game in the shop. Perhaps they would like an advertising testimonial written for the new game.
"You know, I used to be a bit of a writer when I wasn't dead. And if you thought it might be of some small benefit, I could write a brief testimonial for the new game. I would need to test it for a little first, just to get some idea of the game and how it plays. Material for the piece you know. In fact, I might be able to generate a book about the long-term effects of VRG — if you were interested. I could keep a diary as I played and use that as part of the text. It could be a good sales' line don't you think? Yes, I think I could rearrange my schedule to accommodate such a project, if you thought it would be of some use of course."
Maybe you will have noticed, after a while, that the attendant has not taken a break the whole of your visit in the shop.
"Gee, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't had a break the whole time that I have been in the shop. Do you ever get a chance to work with the materials and equipment in the shop yourself? Perhaps, if there was someone that knew enough about the daily operations of the shop to give you a short break, just a few hours mind you, then you could get the time necessary to work out with some of the equipment yourself. Yes, of course the job is probably quite involved, but it just may be that I could rearrange my plans to set aside the few weeks, months or years necessary, if necessary, to get familiar enough to give you a bit of a break."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased"
by .
Copyright © 2002 IDHHB, Inc..
Excerpted by permission of Gateways Books & Tapes / I.D.H.H.B., Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Apres Vie Check List,
The "Great and Glorious Partial Instructions",
How to Find a BardoMania Shop,
How to behave when you first find the BardoMania Shop,
What Should I Expect in the Bardo?,
Modes of Transportation in the Bardo,
Etiquette During One's Funeral,
Fun Things To Do At The Wake,
The Voyager's Code,
The Voyager's Creed,
Class Five Intercession Form,
Fun Games to Play When You Are Dead,
Bio-Exorcism,
What Kind of New and Wonderful Sensations Can I Expect in The Bardo,
Snappy Bardo Repartee,
Sappy Bio-Repartee or "How To Demonstrate Clearly For All To See That You Are Still Hyper-Identified With,
Your Previous Incarnations",
Lock Picking Your Way Through The Bardo,
My Lock Picking Set,
How To Tell Where You Are,
Mapping — Or Which Way Do I Go George?,
Un-brain Storming Session,
How To Tell When You Are Getting Close To A Rebirth Station,
Now that you are dead, what kind of places do you expect are possible to encounter during your journey,
through the bardo?,
Back By Popular Demand, Here For Your Elucidation, The Great And Glorious Questions,
The "Great And Glorious Upstaging Consideration That Demands It Be Addressed First" Question,
The Short Form,
Chapter Thirteen - How To Handle Implacable Demonic Unresponsive Guides,
Important Numbers,
Taking A Short Nap,
What To Do If You Do Not Have A Game Plan,
Interfacing With Local Lifeforms,
How To Put Up With Eternity,
High-Power Plasma Containment System Maintenance and Repair,
Charging a Field Containment System,
Neosynthetic Strain and Stress — A Skeletal Framework,
Anomaly Components In A Morphologically Tuned System,
Constructive Interference And Anomaly Production,
Will of Persistence And Field Fiddling,
A Note Prior To A Final Note,
A Final Note,
