The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free

by Julie L. Hall

Overview

A highly illuminating examination of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and its insidiously traumatic impact on family members and partners. Packed with insight, compassion, and practical strategies for recovery, this is a must-read for survivors and clinicians alike.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has a profoundly dehumanizing effect on those subject to its distortions, manipulations, and rage. The Narcissist in Your Life illuminates the emotionally annihilating experience of narcissistic abuse in families and relationships, acknowledges the complex emotional and physical trauma that results, and assists survivors with compassionate, practical advice on the path of recovery.

Whether you are just learning about NPD, managing a narcissistic parent or other family member, leaving a narcissistic relationship, or struggling with complex PTSD, you will find life-changing answers to these common questions:

• What are the different forms of NPD?
• Is my partner a narcissist?
• Why do I keep attracting narcissistic personalities?
• How can I help my kids?
• What happens in a narcissistic family?
• Why did my other parent go along with the abuse?
• Why am I alienated from my siblings?
• Why is it so hard to believe in myself and my future?
• What is complex PTSD and do I have it?
• What are the health problems associated with narcissistic abuse?

Journalist, survivor, and NPD trauma coach Julie L. Hall provides a comprehensive, up-to-date, affirming, and accessible guide that will not only help you understand narcissistic abuse trauma, but will help you overcome trauma cycles and move forward with healing.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780738285788
Publisher:	Hachette Books
Publication date:	12/03/2019
Sold by:	Hachette Digital, Inc.
Format:	eBook
Sales rank:	78,409
File size:	1 MB

About the Author

Julie L. Hall is a freelance journalist, educational writer, poet, and author whose work has appeared in Psychology Today, The Seattle Times, Reuters, HuffPost, The Nation, Chicago Sun-Times, Psych Central,and numerous other publications and news outlets. Her book The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free evolved from her work as founder of The Narcissist Family Files, a leading international resource for narcissistic abuse trauma understanding and recovery. Julie's research for the book included hundreds of in-depth interviews with survivors of narcissistic trauma, as well as practitioners who work in the field of narcissistic personality disorder and related CPTSD. She coaches clients around the world in narcissistic abuse trauma recovery, drawing from her experience and expertise as a survivor, journalist, and author. She lives in Washington with her family and extended pack of rescued dogs, cats, and chickens.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xiii

Foreword xv

Introduction xvii

My Story xix

How to Use This Book xx

Part 1 Reclaiming Your Rights 1

Chapter 1 Understanding Your Rights 3

Narcissists Violate Human Rights 3

Coming Out of Denial 5

Reclaiming Your Rights 6

Recognizing the Narcissist's Hypocrisy 7

Understanding Your Anger 8

Understanding Your Needs 9

Chapter 2 Identifying the Narcissist in Your Life 10

Why an Official Diagnosis of NPD Is Unlikely 10

Recognizing What You're Dealing With 11

A Word of Caution 12

Part 2 Narcissistic Personality Disorder 13

Chapter 3 Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder 15

Narcissism Fictions and Facts 15

Defining Traits of Narcissism 17

Other Traits of Narcissism 22

The Narcissist's Fears 27

Things Narcissists Don't Do 29

Narcissistic "Quirks" 32

The Narcissist Online 34

Narcissistic Boredom 36

Chapter 4 Causes of Narcissism and the Narcissist's impaired Empathy 38

Causes and Development of Narcissism 38

The Narcissist's Impaired Empathy 39

Effects of the Narcissist's Impaired Empathy 42

Chapter 5 Closet, Exhibitionist, and Malignant Narcissism 47

Closet Narcissism Versus Exhibitionist Narcissism 47

Malignant Narcissism 52

Chapter 6 Narcissistic Abuse 54

Narcissism Is on Abusive Disorder 55

Behind the Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar, and Fraud 56

Patterns of Narcissistic Abuse 58

Chapter 7 The Health Fallout of Narcissistic Trauma 63

CPTSD in Narcissistically Abused Children 64

Part 3 The Narcissistic Family 71

Chapter 8 Rules and Roles in the Narcissistic Family 73

The Narcissistic Family Profile 74

Rules of Engagement 75

Family Roles 79

Chapter 9 Patterns in the Narcissistic Family 92

Isolation 92

Rage 94

Projection 96

Shaming 99

Gaslighting 101

Triangulating 104

Cognitive Distortions 105

Smear Campaigns 107

Suicide and Other Tragedies 109

Chapter 10 Chasing the Narcissist's Respect and Love 111

The Narcissist's "Respect" 111

The Narcissist's Contempt 112

The Narcissist's "Love" 113

Chapter 11 Why Narcissism Runs in Families 116

Narcissism Is Your Normal 116

Monkey See, Monkey Do 117

Biology 117

Generational Trauma 118

Part 4 Partners of Narcissists 119

Chapter 12 Romance, Partnership, and Breakup with a Narcissist 121

Romantic Idealization 121

Devaluation and Discard 122

Why You Didn't See It Coming 123

Life with the Narcissist: Hell in a Hamster Wheel 124

Personality Types Who Fall for Narcissists 125

Is Your Partner a Narcissist? 126

The Narcissist as Human Parasite 129

Chapter 13 Codependency and Narcissism 131

The Enabler/Codependent 131

Codependent Patterns 132

Trauma Bonding 134

Overcoming Codependency 136

The Narcissist as Naked Emperor 138

Chapter 14 Staying with or Leaving Your Narcissistic Partner 140

Staying in the Relationship 140

Leaving Your Partner 145

Chapter 15 Parenting with a Narcissist 147

Protecting Your Children from Your Narcissistic Spouse 147

Ways to Support Your Children 148

Ways to Help Your Children Cope with Family Roles 152

Protecting Your Children from Codependency 158

Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist Ex 159

Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome 162

Part 5 Children of Narcissists 165

Chapter 16 The Under- and Overparented Child 167

Idealization and Devaluation 168

Parentification: The Upside-Down Child-Parent Relationship 168

Neglect 169

Engulfment 172

Infantilization 174

Overindulgence 175

Overpraising 177

Chapter 17 Understanding and Overcoming Your Family Role 181

The Usual Suspects: Child Roles and How They Are Assigned 181

Scapegoat 182

Golden Child 184

Lost Child 185

Mascot 186

Chapter 18 Sibling Relationships 191

Why Narcissistic Parents Divide Their Children 191

The Divide-and-Conquer Strategy 195

Coping with the Golden Child Sibling 195

Sibling Relationships in Adulthood 196

Part 6 Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse 201

Chapter 19 Processing Your Trauma 203

Why Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Takes So Long 203

Facing Reality 206

Understanding Your Grief 206

Feeling Your Grief 207

States of Grief 208

Reassessing Your Stones 211

Adult Children Ending the Cycle 214

Adult Children as Parents 215

The Role of Therapy: Rewards, Risks, and What to Look for in a Therapist 216

Chapter 20 Managing the Narcissist in Your Life 220

When the Narcissist Is Nice 220

Asserting Boundaries 222

What to Expect from the Aging Narcissist 228

Tips for Handling Aging Narcissistic Parents 231

Chapter 21 Steps to Recovery 234

Healing Strategies 234

Trust Your instincts 250

Process Your Foreshortened Sense of the Future 251

Take a Self-Inventory 254

Embrace Your Vulnerability 261

Welcome Back Your Inner Exiles 262

Chapter 22 Moving On: From Harsh to Healing Lessons 264

Letting Go and Moving On 265

Healing Takeaways 266

Glossary 269

Resources 275

Sources 277

Index 285

Editorial Reviews

"[A] resource that provides a desperately needed lifeline with clearly outlined steps for what to do next so you can reclaim your life. A nationally recognized expert on NPD, she writes with a rare combination of lived insight, sound research, keen psychological understanding, and lucid style. I recommend this book wholeheartedly."—Sharyn Wolf, psychotherapist and author

"Brilliant, riveting, and amazingly thorough. I recommend this book to virtually everyone with an interest in narcissistic personality disorder, including psychotherapists." —Elinor Greenberg,Ph.D., clinical psychologist, author, and internationally renowned narcissisticpersonality disorder expert

"[P]rovides insight and effective strategiesfor anyone working to deal with the negative effects of a close relationship with a narcissist. This book will resonate with adult children and partners struggling with the pain and confusion of life in a war zone that is often invisible to outsiders. It is an important addition to the understanding of narcissistic personality disorder, and destined to help many people."—SusanForward, PhD, author of Emotional Blackmail and Mothers Who Can'tLove

"Written from the heart, Julie Hall's book is a treasure trove of knowledge and healing. Every page is filled with warmth and compassion, teaching the reader how to find solutions within."—Jackson MacKenzie, author of Whole Again and Psychopath Free

"Living with a narcissist, writes Hall, violates our fundamental rights of dignity, integrity, and personal freedoms, made worse because the narcissist is usually someone close to the abused. All libraries, in particular university collections supporting mental health and psychiatry curriculum, will find this a worthy addition."—Library Journal, starred review

"There is a wealth of information here. The lists and examples of narcissistic behaviors and their impact on family members, outlines of family rules and roles, and personal interviews are especially helpful in bringing a deeper understanding of the depth and breadth of narcissistic exploitation and manipulation. And the strategies for family members are practical and compassionate. Hall's The Narcissist in Your Life will give you hope and insight into how to help yourself and your kids heal."—from the foreword by Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, author of Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

From the Publisher

★ 12/01/2019

Educational writer Hall begins this deep dive examination of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) with a stunning revelation: 6.2 percent of Americans are impaired with NPD and an even greater number have pathological levels of narcissistic traits. Having grown up in a narcissistic family, Hall experienced the disorder firsthand, with the abuse rising to the forefront when she began work on a memoir. Here, the author assists in navigating encounters with the illness and provides an analysis of NPD diagnostic criteria, abusive relationship patterns, and guidance for coping with the aftermath of abuse. Hall's surprising findings, grounded in professional research and interviews with survivors, largely focus on behaviors that perpetuate pathological narcissism across generations, making this a significant contribution to the NPD literature. VERDICT Living with a narcissist, writes Hall, violates our fundamental rights of dignity, integrity, and personal freedoms, made worse because the narcissist is usually someone close to the abused. All libraries, in particular university collections supporting mental health and psychiatry curriculum, will find this a worthy addition.—Dale Farris, Groves, TX

Library Journal