The Journey Through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief Is Shared
288
The Journey Through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief Is Shared
288eBookFirst Edition (First Edition)
Available on Compatible NOOK devices, the free NOOK App and in My Digital Library.
Related collections and offers
Overview
When adults face a significant loss, they must grapple with their own profound grief, and they are often called upon to nurture and support their grieving children. This is the first book to address this very common dual grieving challenge. As a practicing psychotherapist for twenty-nine years, Robert Zucker can offer parents and other concerned readers important insights into managing their own grief while supporting their grieving children. He offers:
• Understanding how adults and children grieve differently
• Learning how to explain the meaning of death to children
• Knowing what to do when grief gets complicated
• Deciding when they and/or their child need counseling
• Helping their family members stay connected with loved ones even after death.
For the countless parents who have tried blocking out their own grief in order to be available to their child, Robert Zucker provides a measure of comfort. This book will reassure readers that a grieving parent can still be an effective parent.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781429970495 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | St. Martin's Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 08/18/2009 |
| Sold by: | Macmillan |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 288 |
| File size: | 324 KB |
About the Author
ROBERT ZUCKER has been a licensed certified social worker in private practice for past twenty five years. He runs specialized bereavement groups and speaks frequently across the country.
ROBERT ZUCKER has been a licensed certified social worker in private practice for the past twenty-five years. He runs specialized bereavement groups and speaks frequently across the country. He is the author of The Journey Through Grief and Loss.
Read an Excerpt
The Journey Through Grief And Loss
Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief Is Shared
By Robert Zucker
St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2009 Robert ZuckerAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-7049-5
CHAPTER 1
Death Changes Everything
The world as you once knew it is shattered by a death that has left a profound void in your life. Whether this death was sudden or you had time to prepare, you are probably feeling disoriented and in deep shock. As a parent, however, there is a particular gravitas to your grief: A child you love is sharing your loss. Even as this most profound of losses is shaking you to the core, you must somehow rise to the challenge and assist your child, who is also grieving.
Like adults, children grieve when someone close to them dies. Whether your child has lost a parent or a sibling, a grandparent or a dear friend, you need to be there to provide support, guidance, reassurance, honesty, and patience. Most important, you need to provide a strong and loving presence.
There Are Many Faces of Grief
The first step of your journey through grief is to appreciate that you and your child may grieve differently. There are as many ways to grieve as there are grievers, so don't try to fit your grief into anyone else's mold or expectations. While some grievers cry day and night, others feel completely numb. While some are exhausted and feel the need to nap frequently, others may stay awake for days. Some may be ravenously hungry while others have no appetite at all. Some need to talk while others long for solitude, and some experience heightened libido while others lose all interest in sex. In later chapters we'll look closely at various styles of adult grief, for now it's simply important to remember that for both children and adults, normal grief has many faces.
How Children Perceive Death
Children grieve differently from adults. Up to the age of ten, they will typically have difficulty understanding what death means. There are three reasons why this is so:
1. Young children often aren't given accurate, age-appropriate information about what death means.
2. It takes them a long time to fully appreciate the meaning of death itself, since they have trouble grasping some basic concepts about death.
3. Young children are likely to blame themselves unnecessarily whenever someone they love dies. This is called "magical thinking."
Children of all ages tend to believe they have somehow caused the death, and correcting this view is different for younger ones than it is for preteens and teens.
Later in this book we'll go over how to explain the facts of a death clearly and accurately to a child of any age. For now, we'll simply focus on what helps kids of various ages understand the concept of death. In a quick summary:
• Preverbal children often need comfort more than words.
• Two- to five-year-olds typically struggle with the fundamental concepts that determine a death and require loads of patience.
• Six- to nine-year-olds tend to become overwhelmed by the notion that death is universal, benefiting from appropriate information and a great deal of reassurance.
• Preteens grasp the concept of death but tend to intellectualize their loss. They need to be listened to and respected.
• Teens often bring a tricky emotional package to their grief and require careful attention and support.
The Three Phases of Grief
There are three rather predictable phases on the grief journey for adults and children alike:
Phase One: Early Grief: During early grief you may struggle to come to terms with the reality of what has happened. Consequently, your earliest reactions might be a defiant denial, high anxiety, or numbness.
Phase Two: The Second Storm of Grief: Often occurring around six months after a death, the second storm is a time of renewed deep pain. This phase of grief may seem unbearable, and you may even wonder if you will survive the storm.
Phase Three: The Search for Meaning: Eventually, you start to shape a new and meaningful life despite your loss. Sometimes during this phase you may even feel gratitude for lessons learned on the journey.
Since grief is not a linear process, these phases often overlap. Adults, for example, may grapple with painful feelings while still denying that the death ever happened, or may discover a new purpose in life even while dealing with painful or unresolved memories. And children may struggle with the pain of a loss before they are fully capable of understanding the concept of death.
Grief Does Not Come with an Expiration Date
It was Robert Benchley who said, "Death ends a life, not a relationship." Learning to go on after loss often means rethinking your relationship with the one who has died. For many, both adults and children, religious belief contributes to the ability to think of the dead in heaven or in some other celestial context. For others, the dead hold a place in their hearts, which inspires them to live well in their memory.
Even once you have made peace with your loss, you may still experience surges of painful grief, called triggers. These may occur on anniversary dates, like birthdays and dates of death, or (even many years after a death) during significant life transitions: high school graduation, marriage, births of children and grandchildren, divorce, retirement. Sometimes, too, the dead return in waking visions, in dreams, or in other seemingly unexplainable ways. The old notion of needing to let go and move on as quickly as possible after a death may no longer be as relevant as establishing ongoing relationships with those who have died. No matter what age you are when the loss occurs, grief may actually be a lifelong process. And perhaps, when someone you cared for deeply has died, it should be.
Preparing for the Journey That Lies Ahead
Grief is tough for everyone; it's even more difficult when you are also concerned about your child or children. This book will help you to prepare for the great journey ahead of you, and to take heart knowing that you and your child have much to gain by walking together, hand in hand.
CHAPTER 2Your Child Is Grieving, Too
Children have been misunderstood grievers for too long. Many people assume that since they're just kids, they don't understand, and anyway, children are so resilient, right? It is easy to conclude that children don't grieve. If a six-year-old wants to go to the playground after his father's funeral, he certainly appears to have gotten over it already. When a teenager completes her college application on time, even though the deadline was one week after her brother's death, she may not seem to be grieving at all. Don't be deceived by appearances. Despite how he or she behaves, your child is grieving in his or her own unique way. While you may be experiencing your loss quite differently from your child, you both share something profound.
Expand Your Comfort Zone Around Death
Few of us can say we grew up in homes where death hadn't caused a major disruption in life or was so easily accepted that no one suffered. For most people, death was a subject that was not discussed until it happened, and sometimes it was never, ever, discussed with the children in the family. This was not the case for my friend Judith. As a young girl, each morning, rain or shine, she and her mother took long walks together through their neighborhood. Together they did their errands, chatted with neighbors, and walked through the park. They also always made a stop at the neighborhood funeral home around the corner from their house, just to see if anyone they knew had died. As they approached the funeral home, her mother cheerfully said to her, "Okay, Judy, let's see who died today!" The subject of death was simply part of their everyday routine, and when later it personally touched their lives, they had already laid the groundwork for honest talk and mutual support.
Families like Judith's are rare. Most of us grew up in homes where it was assumed that kids needed to be protected against bad things, and that not sharing grief with them was the right thing to do. If adults believed that children grieved at all, they didn't know how to talk to anyone about it, let alone children. Many parents assumed that children did not grieve, or they misread cues and believed that because their kids were not showing grief as an adult would, it wasn't there.
We now know differently. Children do grieve, and they need our help getting through it. Unfortunately, however, death in our culture is often a taboo subject, and when death occurs, many families still treat kids the way they were always treated in the past.
Face Your Bereavement Learning Curve
If, during your own childhood, you felt abandoned by your parents after a death in your family, then it should come as no surprise that you are now uncomfortable talking about death with your own child, and that you don't know where to begin. If you fall into this category, it helps to know that you are not alone. Many adults are uncertain about how to be available to their children at times of great loss. In fact, we all have a lot to learn about adult grief in particular, and about childhood grief in general, in order to help our families heal. The learning curve is not only an issue for you as a parent, but for those you go to for help as well. Sadly, many helping professionals have little or no training in treating grieving adults or children. For this reason, before turning to any helping professional, make sure you ask about his or her comfort and expertise when it comes to grief and loss. In Part Five, we'll explore how to find competent bereavement professionals when you need them. However, whether or not you think you need professional support, knowing your child needs your help with his grief should motivate you to learn how to deal with your own grief as well.
Dangers and Opportunities When Children Grieve
Embedded in the Chinese word for crisis are two seemingly divergent ideas: danger and opportunity. Because there are serious risks and dangers for bereaved young people who are not supported by caring adults, this concept of danger and opportunity coexisting is particularly apropos when it comes to childhood and adolescent grief. Let's consider the risks according to specific age groups:
• Preverbal youngsters: Even very young children sense that something terrible has happened when a death occurs. If you ignore their grief, they will miss the comfort and care you can provide.
• Two- to five-year-olds: When these children are not given clear information, they draw their own, often erroneous, conclusions, developing unnecessary fears about what has happened and why.
• Six- to nine-year-olds: Children of this age group are likely to be concerned about their own safety and the safety of family members. If not helped to manage their grief, they may worry needlessly, act out, or isolate themselves from others.
• Ten- to twelve-year-olds: These children often ask for lots of nitty-gritty details about death. While this is normal, if you're not aware of the idiosyncrasies of this age group, their typically persistent curiosity may come across as inappropriate, or even cruel. If this is the case, adult discomfort with their behavior may lead to their getting short shrift when it comes to their feelings being supported.
• Teens: Many teens often have trouble managing strong emotions. If left to their own devices, they may act out aggressively toward others, or withdraw and turn inward. Feeling alone, confused, and misunderstood, they (and younger children as well) may be at risk of misusing alcohol, experimenting with illegal and dangerous substances, hurting themselves by cutting parts of their bodies, developing eating disorders, or even attempting suicide.
In addition to dangers, there are also opportunities when death touches the lives of children. This is especially true when parents and other loving adults provide the necessary supports. Again and again, I have met bereaved children and teens who, having had caring adults who supported them, came away from their losses stronger, more self-aware, and more engaged in the world. They also had a deep appreciation for what it means to give and receive compassionate care. Throughout this book you will be introduced to many of these young people, as well as the adults in their lives who learned how to understand and assist them in their grief.
I strongly believe that one of the best things you can do for your youngster is to acknowledge that your whole family is grieving together. Parts Two and Three of this book will teach you how to walk the journey of grief and loss with your child by embracing feelings even as you learn how to help your child. Grieving hand in hand with your child, you will provide the loving care and understanding he or she needs to thrive in the face of death. Despite the pain and sorrow you and your child are feeling, you can teach your child that even the most difficult emotions and reactions to loss are manageable, and especially that despite deep loss, life can and does go on and hope can be restored.
CHAPTER 3The First Grief Phase: Early Grief
Whether a death is sudden or expected, we often start our grieving in a state of shock. Even with time to get ready, to deal with unfinished business, and to say good-bye, we're often left unprepared for the absolute finality of death itself. This profoundly disconcerting period, called early grief, is a time when we're struggling to face what seems absolutely unthinkable. This chapter will address three common reactions during early grief: denial of fact, anxiety, and numbness.
Denial of Fact
Grief can be crazy making. While intellectually you know a death has occurred, on another level you don't believe it's true. We typically begin grieving with a denial: "No! This is impossible. It can't be true!" And you may indeed find yourself in this state of absolute, irrational disbelief. The time frame of early grief varies, and sometimes, as in the example below, extraordinary circumstances keep us in this early response period for quite a long time.
During a morning break at one of my seminars, a woman shared with me that she had been struggling with a kind of immobilizing disbelief for three years. When I asked her what had happened, she explained that both her husband and her son had been murdered three years earlier. Understandably, the trauma of two violent and shocking deaths, followed by the drama of a prolonged and public trial, kept her in a state of denial longer than most of us ever have to endure. Only after the trials associated with the deaths of her husband and son were over could she finally move beyond early grief. (Later in this book we'll examine challenges that families face when deaths are traumatic or violent.)
More typically, denial of fact can last hours, days, sometimes even months during early grief. This is normal, and is often a very effective way of managing the news when something terrible has happened.
Denial during early grief manifests itself in various ways. For instance, it would be normal to find yourself dialing your loved one's phone number, thinking you see him in a crowd of people, or believing you hear her car pull into the driveway. You may also wonder if you are in the middle of a bad dream, and that when you finally awake you'll return to the world you once knew.
Perhaps the reason so many of us experience denial in early grief is because we need time to grasp the immensity of the loss in our lives. To take in all the ramifications at once would be too difficult, so denial allows us to look at what has happened in small, more palatable doses. However, denial does become problematic if it starts interfering with some of the normal challenges that you face during early grief. For instance, there are usually a slew of decisions to make and actions you need to take: choosing a funeral home, deciding whether to bury or cremate your loved one, and designing funeral or memorial services, to name a few. After denial kicks in, it sometimes becomes difficult to move into this more active, decision-making mode typically required of us in early grief.
If you are feeling immobilized, it is important to remember that you don't have to do everything alone, that there is often no better time than now to lean on your loved ones. As you move in and out of denial during early grief, consider calling on trusted family members and dear friends to assist you. Time and time again I've seen grievers start to take necessary actions during early grief once their family and friends have joined them on the journey.
There are times, however, when extraordinary circumstances separate you from those you need and love — you may be far from home as you face your loss; or perhaps a disaster has scattered your friends and family and left you and your child to face your loss alone. If circumstances make it difficult or impossible for you to connect with the people you would otherwise count on for support, then I urge you to contact a hospice in your area and request their support services. Hospices are committed to bringing people together during early grief, regardless of whether or not they cared for your loved one. Hospice bereavement support services are typically free, and bereavement coordinators and volunteers are available to help you.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Journey Through Grief And Loss by Robert Zucker. Copyright © 2009 Robert Zucker. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Acknowledgments,Introduction,
PART ONE: PREPARING FOR THE JOURNEY,
1. Death Changes Everything,
2. Your Child Is Grieving, Too,
PART TWO: EMBARKING ON THE JOURNEY,
3. The First Grief Phase: Early Grief,
4. How to Tell Your Child What Has Happened,
5. Developmental Challenges for Children and Teens,
6. Creating Family-Focused Commemorations,
7. Getting Back to Work and School,
8. Magical Thinking,
PART THREE: THE SECOND STORM,
9. Entering the Second Phase of Grief,
10. Debunking Common Misunderstandings About Grief,
11. How to Help Your Child Manage Big Feelings,
12. The Parenting Continuum,
PART FOUR: THE SEARCH FOR MEANING,
13. Entering the Third Phase of Your Journey,
14. Keeping Your Memories Alive,
15. Unexplainable Visits From the Dead,
16. "Finding Peace" for You and Your Child,
PART FIVE: SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP,
17. Getting the Help You and Your Child Deserve,
18. Choosing a Grief Support Group,
19. Finding a Grief Support Center,
Resources: Books to Consider Reading Along the Journey,
Index,