Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
CREATURE FEATURE
A teddy bear is a stuffed animal, and this chapter is animal-stuffed.
It isn't a snail's heavy shell that makes it move so slow. In fact, scientists have carefully removed the shell to see if they'd be faster,
but if anything, it made them sluggish.
Two silkworms had a race,
but they ultimately ended in a tie.
A dog was arrested for giving birth on the side of the road.
Police charged her with littering.
What do you call a dinosaur whose vision is based on movement?
A do-ya-think-it-saw-us.
The farmer needed to move to a new farm, and he couldn't fit all the cows in one van,
so he called a moooooving company.
That baby bird looks just like her father.
She's a real chirp off the old block!
Cows have to buy their cowbells and grass somewhere.
That's why they read a lot of cattle-logs.
Never, ever tell a pig your deepest, darkest secret.
They're bound to squeal!
You'd think clowns would be worried about sharing the circus with lions, but lions don't eat clowns.
You see, a lion tried to eat a clown once.
He spit them out because it tasted funny.
Did you know that there's a surefire way to catch a whole school of fish at once?
Just use some bookworms.
Every day around noon, young cows like to eat their lunch together.
They do it in the calf-eteria.
A dinosaur crashed his car.
Talk about a tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Did you know that dragons are nocturnal animals?
They sleep all day so that they can fight knights.
Squirrels will usually run away from people, so how do you get one to like you?
Just act like you're nuts!
All the horses that lived next to each other in their stables were all very friendly.
It was a lovely neigh-borhood.
They say that it's impossible to make an octopus laugh, but it's just not true.
You have to tickle them ten times ... ten tickles.
A puppy had never sat on sandpaper before.
When asked to describe it, she said it was "ruff."
What dinosaur knows the most words?
The thesaurus.
Why do bees have such sticky hair?
They use a honeycomb.
A farmer thought he had a really great dairy cow, but it produced no milk.
Talk about an udder failure.
Coral are sea creatures, but they do get stressed out.
Mostly over current events.
Why are cats good at stirring?
They bring their own whiskers.
The sheepdog counted 30 sheep, but the farmer only counted 28. Why the difference?
The dog rounded them up.
Never play checkers with the world's fastest cat.
He's a cheetah!
Did you hear that the frog left his car illegally parked?
It got toad away.
Did you see that film about dairy cows?
I don't think I've ever seen a better moooovie.
A dolphin strapped on a huge fake fin and swam near the beach just to scare people.
It could do a killer whale impression.
What do you call a snake that's 3.14159 feet long?
A pi-thon.
A dog lost her tail, so she got a new one at the retail store.
Some fuzzy aquatic mammals escaped from the zoo.
It was otter chaos!
Dad: There are moose falling from the sky!
Mom: It's just reindeer.
The chicken leg approached its old nemesis, the beef steak.
"So, we meat again."
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu, anyway?
One needs tweetment and the other needs an oinkment.
The champion race horse was made completely out of dough.
After all, it was a pure bread.
The buffalo's son went off to college.
So she said, "Bison."
Why do ants not get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well-armed.
What do you call a really tall cow?
High steaks.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Su-bah-ru.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork because they're small.
If they're bigger, they need a crane.
Do you like pig puns?
Personally, I find them boaring.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
A fish walks into a restaurant. The waiter says, "Shouldn't you be in school?"
When will a horse talk?
Whinny wants to.
Did you see that horse that ate with its mouth open?
Such bad stable manners.
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
"Come inside, it's pasture bedtime."
My cat sent me a letter in the mail.
She sent it furs class.
What do you call a horse and a bee that live next door to each other?
Neigh-buzz.
What do you give an alligator that needs help?
Gator-aid.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a caterpillar?
A walkie-talkie.
One cat scared another cat. "Don't do that!" the victim said.
"You freaked meow!"
This pet store down the street is having a bird-sitting contest.
No perches necessary!
What's another name for a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
My poor cat just threw up on the carpet.
I don't think she's feline well.
A duck walked into a department store, grabbed some tiny duck shoes, and left.
As he went out the door, he said, "Put it on my bill."
A horse walked into a restaurant. The waiter said, "Hey,"
and the horse said, "Please!"
Some cats are great bowlers.
Such as alley cats.
An amoeba walked into a restaurant. The manager said,
"Come on in, but pay the tab before you split."
Where do horses buy their clothes?
Old Neigh-vy.
Why wouldn't the chicken lay any eggs?She was off the cluck.
Where do cats go to see fine art?
A mew-seum.
Why are penguins so shy at parties?
They're nervous about breaking the ice.
How can a fish cut through wood?
With a sea-saw.
What's weirder than seeing a catfish?
Watching a fish bowl.
What should you do with a blue whale?
Well, try to cheer it up!
Did you hear about the feline that won a dog show?
It was an utter cat-astrophe!
Be careful when it's raining cats and dogs.
You don't want to step in a poodle.
Dogs go to obedience school, but young cats go to class, too.
Kittygarten!
One cat made fun of another cat until it cried. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I didn't mean to hurt your felines. I was only kitten."
How is a dog's tail like a cart?
They're both a-waggin'.
Why did the sheep go straight down the street without stopping?
There were no ewe turns allowed.
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On their bunnymoon.
My friend, Mr. Alligator, couldn't make it to my birthday party.
He said he was swamped!
What does a mole read for fun?
The digtionary.
What kind of bug can tell time?
A clockroach.
What's another name for a nervous ant?
A jitterbug.
What kind of bee goes "mrmmrmrmrbzzzz"?
A mumblebee.
What's smarter than a talking bird?
A spelling bee.
Did you know that some pigs can do their own laundry?
It sounds like a bunch of hogwash!
You know you're near a chicken farm because of the fowl smell.
Fireflies will encourage each other to light up.
They'll often say to each other, "You glow, girl!"
A bee tried to enter a hive where he didn't belong.
A drone told him to mind his own buzzness.
A bunch of lice were really bugging me.
So I told them to get out of my hair.
Ants have antennae, but shouldn't those be called "ant- lers"?
How do you fix a broken baboon?
With a monkey wrench.
A bear walks up to a man and says, "Hello ... I am a bear." The man replies, "Why the long pause?"
The bear replies, "I was born with these."
What animal asks the most questions?
A why-nocerous.
What do you call a bunny that issues parking tickets?
Meter Rabbit.
How do fish buy stuff?
With a credit cod.
Which dinosaur is the fastest?
The prontosaurus.
What dinosaur is the loudest at night?
The bronto-snore-us.
What's a dinosaur's favorite toy?
Tricera-tops.
What bird would you find at the end of a footrace?
The puffin.
How do you catch a baby frog?
With a toad pole.
What kind of lizards are comedians?
Stand-up chameleons.
Today is the tortoise's 100th birthday, so what should she and her friends do?
Shellebrate!
Never believe anything a frog says.
They're am-fib-ians.
What do you get when you cross a swamp lizard with a pickle?
A croco-dill.
What do you call a cute but angry little monkey?
Furious George!
Why should you never insult an octopus?
You wouldn't want to hurt its feelers.
Do bees like classical music?
Sure — but only Bee-Thoven.
Why did the bee get a bank loan?
It wanted to open up a buzzness.
What's yellow, goes fast, and is full of shellfish?
A taxi crab.
How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A phew.
I once had a very funny cat.
She was very a-mews-ing.
Spiders must be so bored, because they're always climbing up the walls.
Have you ever been chased by a gang of rabbits?
It's a hare-owing experience.
Why do snakes make terrible soldiers?
They're unarmed.
Did you hear about the one-on-one giraffe race?
They were neck-and-neck the whole time.
Can a seagull eat 50 fish in an hour?
No, but a pelican.
What happens when you cross a pig with a bear?
You'd get a teddy boar.
The cat practiced its ballet routine over and over again.
Practice makes purrrrrfect.
Skunk friends text each other all the time.
They use their smell phones.
Did you hear about the pigs who wrote each other letters?
They were pen pals.
During the excitement of her wedding, the bride dropped her bouquet of flowers.
She exclaimed, "Whoopsie-daisies!"
What do you get when you cross a cow and a chicken?
A mooster!
Bees in love work harder at night.
Especially if they're on their honeymoon.
What clothes do fancy monkeys wear?
Dolce and Banana.
My shaggy dog got mad at me for forgetting to take him for a walk.
He was furryous!
Why wouldn't the hermit crab share its home?
It was shellfish.
Did you hear the one about the electric eel?
It's shocking!
The kid tried to annoy his brother by telling him bird puns. ...
Until his brother realized that toucan play at that game.
CHAPTER 2
THE SPORTS SECTION
When you read these jokes about athletes and athletics, you're bound to have a ball.
Golfers always wear two pairs of pants when they're out on the links.
Just in case they get a hole in one.
Boxers have a very dangerous job. They constantly put themselves in arm's way.
Race car drivers are often very hungry.
It's because they skip brake fast.
With the way they use those wooden bats, baseball players are really just lumber-jocks.
What do you call it when two wrestlers join forces?
A clobberation.
When does a baseball game start?
In the big inning.
A lot of people think Rafael Nadal is a really good tennis player, but isn't Roger Federer?
What's the difference between a baseball player and a dog?
The baseball player gets a whole uniform. The dog only pants.
What do football stars and waffles have in common?
They're both made on the gridiron.
I used to know this really funny joke about a boomerang.
I forgot it, but I'm sure it will come back to me.
The outdoors store was filled to the brim with people during its big paddle sale.
It was quite the oar deal.
A sports arena is a great place to spend a hot day.
It's full of fans.
That race car driver has had a very checkered past.
Why are soccer players so good at math?
They know how to use their heads.
What do hockey players and magicians have in common?
Hat tricks!
What's a runner's favorite class?
Jog-raphy!
Where do tennis players like to live?
Volleywood!
Why did the basketball player sit on the court and draw pictures of chickens?
She was trying to draw fowls.
What time did the basketball team chase the baseball team?
Five after nine.
Why is basketball so gross?
All the dribbling!
I didn't think I was going to like soccer,
but as it turns out, I really get a kick out of it.
What do golfers wear on the links?
Tee-shirts.
If you're out camping and get cold, never build a fire in a kayak.
You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Skydivers chute first, ask questions later.
It's no wonder they're so well-grounded.
Baseball is a team effort, especially those in the bullpen.
Everybody has to pitch inning.
People who do scuba.
Now there's a divers group of individuals.
I tried archery, but I didn't like it.
There were too many drawbacks.
A longshot was leading the big horse race, but not furlong.
A fishing pole is really just a fish stick.
How did the baseball player lose his house?
He made a home run.
When the coach called in a new pitcher, it was such a relief.
Have you ever thrown a spitball?
No, and I hope to never get invited to one either!
Why do they play baseball games at night?
Because bats sleep during the day.
What's the first thing that a ball does when it stops rolling?
It looks round.
First kid: Why is our tennis teacher so mad at you?
Second kid: He caught me raising a racquet.
What time does Serena Williams wake up each day?
Oh, ten-ish.
The bowling pins were tired of being mistreated.
So they went on strike.
What's the best time of year for jumping on a trampoline?
Spring!
We were going to tell you a joke about swimming, but it was too watered down.
Why shouldn't you ever play basketball with pigs?
Because they're ball hogs.
Cinderella was terrible at sports.
Probably because her coach was a pumpkin.
Cinderella was terrible at soccer.
She kept running away from the ball.
Do you want to hear a story about a basketball player?
It's a tall tale.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
"Give me my quarterback!"
What got the martial artist so sick?
Kung flu.
Why didn't the dog like to wrestle?
Because she was a boxer.
A fish was arrested for swimming without a license. Police caught him and let him go.
That's when the fish said, "Whew, I'm off the hook!"
What's the difference between a baseball hit really high and a maggot's dad?
One's a pop fly, the other is a fly's pop.
What would you call a female goaltender standing between the two goal posts?
Annette.
What's the difference between a fisherman and a bad student?
One baits his hooks, the other hates his books.
Actual Names That Real People Have Given Their Boats
Vitamin Sea
Yacht to Be Working
Fah Get a Boat It
Costa Lotta
Seas the Day
Breakin' Wind
Your Place Oar Mine
A Crewed Interest
Bow Movement
Sea Me Smile
My Pride and Toy
Rest a Shore
Docked Wages
Seize the Bay
Fishfull Thinking
Weather Oar Knot
Nuclear Fishin'
Why did the athlete want to buy nine racquets?
Cause tennis too many.
A really bad gymnast walked into a bar.
Volleyball players can always make extra money.
It's customary to tip a good server.
What's a banker's favorite track and field event?
The vault.
On the bus on the way to the meet, the track team never stopped talking.
I guess they had a lot to discus.
How come sun tanning never caught on as a competitive sport?
Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday.
Monday to Friday are weak days.
Lately, my skiing skills are really going downhill.
A fisherman tried boxing, but he only threw hooks.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Jokiest Joking Puns Book Ever Written ... No Joke!"
by .
Copyright © 2019 St. Martin's Press.
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
