Read an Excerpt
The Emotional Toolkit
Seven Power-Skills to Nail Your Bad Feelings
By Darlene Mininni St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2005 Darlene Mininni
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-0722-4
CHAPTER 1
It's Time for Your Emotional Education
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
— Jean-Paul Sartre, philosopher
Imagine having your own Emotional Toolkit. When you experience a feeling that is confusing or distressing, you reach into your Toolkit and find the tool that helps you cope more effectively You find a tool that helps you understand your feelings more fully or respond with more clarity You find a tool that can actually change the chemicals in your body that influence your feelings.
Each tool in the Emotional Toolkit has been scientifically studied at universities and medical centers throughout the country and has been shown to improve emotional well-being. I've done exhaustive research and included only those strategies with a proven track record for success.
The tools are practical, usable skills that help you manage your emotions. They are not academic or theoretical or abstract. They are real skills to use in everyday life.
The Emotional Toolkit is more than a book; it is an opportunity to get what most of us missed: a how-to course in the basic skills of your emotional life. Even if you are, or have been, in psychotherapy, this book can supplement the process with action-based strategies that will complement and enhance the therapy experience. This book is for you if you've ever felt:
• confused about what you're feeling
• powerless to reduce the intensity or duration of your distressing feelings
• consumed by your thoughts and feelings
• unable to shift your unpleasant moods
• overwhelmed trying to stay centered in a fast-paced world
Why Is This Book Focused on Women?
Let's face it. Haven't we all felt some of the feelings on the preceding list at one time or another? I know I have, and so have most of my friends, colleagues, clients, and students. And it's not just women who experience these feelings — men do, too. Men also feel pressured and confused and overwhelmed, and all the Emotional Tools in this book work just as well for men. However, I decided to focus this book on women because I've had many years of experience in teaching, counseling, and writing about women. As such, I've gathered many people's stories to share — as well as stories from my own life.
Mind you, confidentiality is of utmost importance to me, and I would never break that trust. I've removed all identifying information from the stories you'll read in this book, and in many cases, I've created composites. Still, I think it's critically important that we share our stories with one another. Although you may sit and read this book alone, it is my hope that you will feel connected to some of the women you read about.
The Seven Power-Skills
This book presents seven tools to help you manage your emotional life with mastery:
• Tool 1, thought-shifting. Your negative thoughts directly affect the quality and intensity of your feelings. Positive affirmations are not the answer because, for most people, they don't work. Thought-shifting includes four steps that can help you shift your thoughts from judging to supporting.
• Tool 2, meditative arts. The meditative arts include belly breathing, mindfulness meditation, and meditation-in-action. These powerful body-mind tools can reduce anxiety, sadness, and anger. They can also increase your happiness and optimism by transforming your thinking patterns and increasing activity in the region of your brain associated with upbeat and happy moods.
• Tool 3, communication. The key to becoming an effective communicator is not just learning a few techniques, but also understanding what your communication style is and how it developed. When you use strategies that are consistent with your needs, you will be able to reduce anxiety, sadness, and anger.
• Tool 4, emotional writing. It's hard to believe that just writing about your distressing feelings can change them, but it can. People who write about their deepest feelings in a specific way are less depressed, less anxious, and more positive about life than are those who write about trivial things.
• Tool 5, physical movement. Emotional exercise, movement that can shift your emotions, can take whatever form you like — walking, dancing, or yoga, just to name a few. When done in a prescribed manner, movement can be as effective as a minor tranquilizer at reducing anxiety-related muscle tension. It can also create an effect in your brain similar to that of antidepressant drugs like Prozac.
• Tool 6, connection. Feeling connected to others can decrease your sadness, anxiety, and loneliness and can even increase your self-esteem. Activities like entertaining people at your home or belonging to a bowling team are the happiness equivalent of more than doubling your income.
• Tool 7, psychotherapy. Most people who seek therapy report less anxiety and depression as well as better relationships than do those with similar problems who don't go to therapy. Therapy works best when you have a good relationship with your therapist, learn new skills, and are encouraged to take action.
From this array of strategies, you can choose the Emotional Tools that are right for your personality and your situation. Over time they may change. The goal is to know yourself well enough to say, "Yes, when I use this tool, I know I'll feel better." Keep in mind that it is not necessary to incorporate all these techniques into your life at the same time. That would be overwhelming and would defeat the whole purpose of making you feel better. Instead, use the tool or tools that work best for you.
Managing Your Emotional Life
You don't need me to tell you that life has its ups and downs. M. Scott Peck started his classic book The Road Less Traveled with the line, "Life is difficult," and it's true. No matter how charmed your life is, you will experience a range of emotions from joy, love, and exhilaration to sadness, anger, and fear. And this is normal.
In addition to your day-to-day reactions to life, there are cyclical emotions you can expect to experience. According to Yale University psychology professor and researcher Daniel Levinson, adults will have predictable crises in their lives separated by times of calm. These crises arrive approximately every five to seven years and have to do with your evolving identity.
Your evolving identity is the way you change as a result of time, experiences, and just plain living. For example, the challenges and choices you face in your twenties or thirties — What kind of work will I do? Will I marry? Where will I live? — are different from the ones you face in your forties or fifties when you might ask, Have I made good choices? Is there something I've neglected to do in my life? Each time you reevaluate your life, you may bring up feelings of excitement and anticipation as well as loss and confusion. All of this is to be expected.
Sometimes people strive for great wealth or fame, thinking it will insulate them from distressing feelings and imagining that once they have "arrived" they will be forever happy. They are often surprised to realize that a short while after attaining their goals, they still feel the same way they have always felt, experiencing the ups and downs of life. As author Jon Kabat-Zinn so aptly says, "Wherever you go, there you are."
Your emotions have a purpose: they are signals that can tell you important things about yourself, if you listen. Anxiety can be a sign that you need to be alert to a potential danger. Anger might occur when you feel you've been violated in some way. And sadness can be a validation that you have lost something valuable. It's as if your body is saying, "Look at me; something in your life needs attention!" Our aim is not to remove all unhappy emotions, but rather to reduce the amount of time they exist and to decrease the distress that gets created around them.
Of course, long-term distress may be a sign of a more serious condition, such as clinical depression or anxiety. When emotions debilitate you or remove joy from your life for a significant amount of time, it is helpful to seek professional counseling. This will be discussed in more detail with Emotional Tool 7, psychotherapy.
Becoming Emotionally Fluent
One certainty in life is that things don't always turn out the way you plan. You may be rushing to an important appointment only to find that your car battery has died. Or you may be eagerly anticipating the birth of your first child, only to be overwhelmed by the demands of new motherhood. Or you may have worked hard for a promotion only to be passed over. This is life. You can't always change what happens on the outside. This book focuses on what you can change and how you respond on the inside.
By employing the Emotional Toolkit, you will not automatically be happy all the time, although many women taking my course have reported increased happiness. What I can guarantee is that you will be emotionally fluent. In other words, you will be able to use your emotions as a guide to understanding your deeper needs. You will understand more clearly how to identify your feelings. And once you've identified them, you will be able to act on them in a way that will help reduce your distress and ultimately increase your happiness.
Before we discuss the purpose of your emotions and the Emotional Toolkit, let's recap the key points we've discussed so far:
• Your emotions have a purpose.
• If you pay attention to your emotions, you can learn about yourself and your needs.
• The Emotional Toolkit can reduce the amount of time unhappy emotions exist and decrease the distress they create.
• You can't always change the things that happen in your life, but you can affect the way you respond emotionally.
• You can personalize your Emotional Toolkit by using the tools that work best for you.
How to Get the Most Out of This Book
In order for you to get the most out of this book, I offer the following advice:
• Be patient with yourself as you learn the Emotional Tools. Many times I've listened to women berate themselves for not using the Emotional Tools more often, with more precision, for a longer period of time, or with a better outcome. These personal floggings defeat the whole intent of the tools. Judging yourself harshly will only increase your distressing feelings, not reduce them. Perfection is not the goal. Congratulate yourself for whatever you do.
• Understand that change doesn't happen overnight. You probably didn't learn how to read the alphabet or manage your finances in just one day. Skills take time to master. They also take practice. Some of these skills require a bit of courage along with know-how. Focus on how far you've come, not how far you have to go. As I tell my clients and students, change starts with baby steps.
• As you read the stories of others, use them as a source of motivation, not comparison. Seeing that others have struggled with feelings can be comforting, and reading about people using their Emotional Toolkit to help themselves can be inspiring. It becomes defeating, though, if you say, "Gee, she mastered that skill so quickly; why can't I?"
• Consult Appendix A for answers to questions I'm commonly asked. Although I'm not there to address each of your concerns personally, this appendix can help you overcome common roadblocks and clear up some of your confusion.
• Consult the Resource Guide in Appendix B. Some of the information you'll be learning might stimulate your desire to know more about a specific topic. In the Resource Guide you'll find information on books, videotapes, audiotapes, workshops, and Web sites that can help you with each of the Emotional Tools you'll be learning about.
My Hope for You
As you read this book, I hope that you will see me as your teacher and guide. Although I might be considered an expert in psychology, I can relate to you because I have struggled with many of these issues myself. Almost everyone I know has, regardless of fancy degrees or impressive titles. I have found that having a core foundation of Emotional Tools has helped me navigate my emotional life with more confidence. It doesn't mean I never stumble, but when I do, I'm better equipped to pick myself up — and you will be too.
It is my hope that as you master the Emotional Toolkit, you will experience the same positive changes in your life that many of the women in my Life Skills class did. I'm remembering the comments of one such student: "I feel much more knowledgeable and confident in myself. I feel like I can communicate if I want to, rather than just holding things in. I am more centered and grounded as a person. I have acquired a new outlook on life because I am more peaceful and more realistic. I have gained a new sense of self, in which I enjoy the moment ... and feel more relaxed. I have a new sense of internal happiness. I attribute all of this to the Emotional Toolkit."
Now it's time for you to come to class. Welcome and have a seat.
CHAPTER 2
A Feeling Is a Full-Body Experience
Every thought we think has a biochemical equivalent.
— Christiane Northrup, physician
Did you know that by simply slowing down your breathing you can stimulate the release of acetylcholine, a chemical responsible for creating a calm and tranquil feeling? Or that talking with a friend about a problem can promote the action of peptides that help create feelings of emotional well-being? In fact, research now shows that some of the old adages, such as "Take time to smell the roses" or "A faithful friend is the medicine of life," are scientifically true.
Using the Emotional Toolkit to Improve Physical Well-Being
A wealth of information confirms that people who use the emotional skills you'll be learning in this book can deliberately improve their physical health. Here are a few of the studies that show the power of some of these tools. I've highlighted the tools in italics.
James Pennebaker, while at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, found that individuals who wrote about upsetting personal experiences had higher-functioning immune systems, lower blood pressure, and fewer symptoms of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis than did individuals who wrote about trivial topics. The simple act of putting pen to paper and writing about feelings actually made people healthier.
In another study, David Spiegel, M.D, at Stanford University Medical School, found that women with advanced breast cancer who participated in a support group along with their medical treatment lived twice as long as did women who received only the medical treatment. The women in the support group were encouraged to talk about how they felt, both the good and the bad.
Expressive emotional tools — strategies in which you express feelings either verbally or in writing — are not the only ones shown to produce positive physical benefits. Alice Domar of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Harvard Medical School found that women with infertility who practiced meditation and thought-shifting were more likely to conceive than were women who did not use these Emotional Tools. And Jon Kabat-Zinn and his colleagues at the University of Massachusetts Medical School found that psoriasis patients who followed a mindfulness meditation audiotape while undergoing ultraviolet (UV) light treatments experienced clearing of their skin lesions faster than did patients who did not meditate with their UV treatments.
The Power of the Emotional Toolkit
The power the Emotional Tools can have on the body's natural ability to function and heal is astonishing. What turns out to be equally astonishing is that along the road to getting physically healthier, people who use these tools get happier, more centered, and more optimistic. Even when people were diagnosed as terminally ill, as in Dr. Spiegel's support group, they still felt more connected, understood, and loved. Now science is helping us understand why these Emotional Tools can have such a profound effect on your emotional well-being.
The Biology of Feeling Good
To understand how the strategies from the Emotional Toolkit can biologically enhance your emotional well-being, you need to understand a little about your body. Picture your body as an elaborate communication system in which interaction occurs between every cell in every system. Your nervous system is composed of your brain, spinal cord, and long nerves that project into your body. It has delicate switches that can be flipped on or off, depending on your situation or thoughts. The position in which each switch gets flipped will dictate how your body responds. Let's take a look at what happens when the switch is on.
How Your Body Expresses Emotions
Imagine you're feeling anxious. How do you know you're having that particular feeling? What happens in your body to let you know that things are not quite right? Take a minute to think of a few of the body signals you receive.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Emotional Toolkit by Darlene Mininni. Copyright © 2005 Darlene Mininni. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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