The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness


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Notes From Your Bookseller

A fresh and engaging exploration of what you can do to get the most out of yourself and your brain. This is useful psychology that is accessible to all.

An international bestseller and TikTok sensation with more than 10 million copies sold worldwide, The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative and practical guide to personal happiness and self-fulfillment.

Now you can unlock your full potential and free yourself from the shackles of past traumas and societal expectations to find true personal happiness. Based on the theories of renowned psychologist Alfred Adler, this book guides you through the principles of self-forgiveness, self-care, and mind decluttering in a straightforward, easy-to-digest style that’s accessible to all.

The Courage to Be Disliked unfolds as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, who, over the course of five enriching conversations, realizes that each of us is in control of our life’s direction, independent of past burdens and expectations of others.

Wise, empowering, and profoundly liberating, this book is a life-changing experience that shows you a path to lasting happiness and how to finally be the person you truly want to be. Millions are already benefiting from its teachings—and you can be next.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781501197277
Publisher: Atria Books
Publication date: 05/08/2018
Pages: 288
Sales rank: 5,242
Product dimensions: 5.60(w) x 8.20(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Ichiro Kishimi was born in Kyoto, where he currently resides. He writes and lectures on Adlerian psychology and provides counseling for youths in psychiatric clinics as a certified counselor and consultant for the Japanese Society of Adlerian Psychology. He is the translator, into Japanese, of selected writings by Alfred Adler—The Science of Living and Problems of Neurosis—and he is the author of Introduction to Adlerian Psychology, in addition to numerous other books.

Fumitake Koga is an award-winning professional writer and author. He has released numerous bestselling works of business-related and general non-fiction. He encountered Adlerian psychology in his late twenties and was deeply affected by its conventional wisdom–defying ideas. Thereafter, Koga made numerous visits to Ichiro Kishimi in Kyoto, gleaned from him the essence of Adlerian psychology, and took down the notes for the classical “dialogue format” method of Greek philosophy that is used in this book.

Table of Contents

Authors' Note ix

Introduction xiii

The First Night Deny Trauma

The Unknown Third Giant 5

Why People Can Change 8

Trauma Does Not Exist 12

People Fabricate Anger 16

How to Live Without Being Controlled by the Past 20

Socrates and Adler 23

Are You Okay Just As You Are? 25

Unhappiness Is Something You Choose for Yourself 28

People Always Choose Not to Change 31

Your Life Is Decided Here and Now 36

The Second Night: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Why You Dislike Yourself 45

All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems 52

Feelings of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions 55

An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse 60

Braggarts Have Feelings of Inferiority 65

Life Is Not a Competition 72

You're the Only One Worrying About Your Appearance 76

From Power Struggle to Revenge 82

Admitting Fault Is Not Defeat 87

Overcoming the Tasks That Face You in Life 90

Red String and Rigid Chains 95

Don't Fall for the "Life-Lie" 100

From the Psychology of Possession to the Psychology of Practice 104

The Third Night: Discard Other People's Tasks

Deny the Desire for Recognition 111

Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others 116

How to Separate Tasks 122

Discard Other People's Tasks 126

How to Rid Yourself of Interpersonal Relationship Problems 129

Cut the Gordian Knot 133

Desire for Recognition Makes You Unfree 138

What Real Freedom Is 142

You Hold the Cards to Interpersonal Relationships 147

The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is

Individual Psychology and Holism 157

The Goal of Interpersonal Relationships Is a Feeling of Community 161

Why Am I Only Interested In Myself? 165

You Are Not the Center of the World 168

Listen to the Voice of a Larger Community 172

Do Not Rebuke or Praise 178

The Encouragement Approach 183

How to Feel You Have Value 187

Exist in the Present 191

People Cannot Make Proper Use of Self 195

The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now

Excessive Self-Consciousness Stifles the Self 205

Not Self-Affirmation-Self-Acceptance 208

The Difference Between Trust and Confidence 212

The Essence of Work Is a Contribution to the Common Good 219

Young People Walk Ahead of Adults 223

Workaholism Is a Life-Lie 227

You Can Be Happy Now 232

Two Paths Traveled by Those Wanting to Be "Special Beings" 238

The Courage to Be Normal 242

Life Is a Series of Moments 245

Live Like You're Dancing 248

Shine a Light on the Here and Now 252

The Greatest Life-Lie 255

Give Meaning to Seemingly Meaningless Life 258

Afterword 265

Reading Group Guide

This reading group guide for The Courage to Be Disliked includes an introduction, discussion questions, and ideas for enhancing your book club. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.


The Courage to Be Disliked follows a conversation between a young man and a philosopher as they discuss the tenets of Alfred Adler’s theories. Alder, a lesser-known twentieth-century psychologist whose work stands up to Freud and Jung, believes in a liberating approach to happiness in which each human being has the power and potential to live a happy and fulfilled life without worry about the past or future. Their dialogue spans five nights, and the reader is invited to journey alongside the youth as he grapples with, fights against, and is ultimately moved by the profundity of Alder’s wisdom.

Topics & Questions for Discussion

The First Night: Deny Trauma

1. Like the youth, do you feel determined from the outset to reject the philosopher’s theories? Why might that be?

2. “Everyone wishes they could change,” the youth says on page 8. Do you agree? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?

3. What “equipment” do you possess? Assess how successfully, on a scale from 1–10, you are using your equipment to bring happiness to your life in this moment?

The Second Night: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

4. Do you find it comforting to hear that it is “basically impossible to not get hurt in your relations with other people” (page 51)? Why or why not?

5. Describe a time when your own feeling of inferiority acted as a kind of launchpad to change or move forward in your life.

6. Do you agree that love is the most difficult life-task? Why do you think so?

The Third Night: Discard Other People’s Tasks

7. Answer the philosopher’s question: why does one want to be praised by others? (page 116)

8. The philosopher offers the following definition of freedom on page 144: “freedom is being disliked by other people.” How would you define freedom?

9. Do you have the courage to be disliked? Or do you know anyone in your life who seems to? If so, do their relationships or yours seem “things of lightness” (page 146) as the philosopher suggests?

The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is

10. From where in your life do you derive a sense of community feeling?

11. Is your life worth living because you are of use to someone? Consider how we manifest this worth—think of the jobs we take, the places we chose to live, or the experiences we accept or decline.

12. The philosopher offers the youth the same advice Adler offered once: “someone has to start” (page 194). That is, to create a meaningful life, a sense of community, it must begin with you regardless of what others around you are doing. How practical do you find this advice? What are concrete ways you might begin to “start”?

The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now

13. Were you surprised, comforted, and/or fascinated to read that “there is no such thing as a 100 percent person” (page 210)? How can you actively acknowledge this fact to yourself, as the philosopher suggests?

14. Labor is one way we come to feel useful and worthwhile, and therefore happy. What aspects of your work give you a sense of fulfillment? Do some aspects of your labor detract from your happiness?

15. Share how you plan to cast a spotlight on the here and now. What sort of action plan can you make to focus on living in the present moment?

Enhance Your Book Club

1. The Courage to be Disliked is a book that instructs readers how to have the courage to live a happy, authentic life. All of the advice of the philosopher hinges on retraining your mind to accept yourself as you are, and in turn to accept others as they are. In order to help declutter your mind, spend some time in meditation with your book club. Turn the lights down and sit in a circle. Together, practice relaxation techniques, including breathing in deeply through your nose and out through your mouth. Visualize your entire body filling with air and then emptying out completely. In the background, play some relaxing music or ocean sounds. Feel yourself relax and prepare to discuss the concepts you find most challenging in the book.

2. The structure of The Courage to be Disliked is inspired by Socratic dialogue, a literary genre derived from Plato’s dialogues in which Socrates is a main character who, through conversation, seeks to answer questions on the meaning of life. Participate in your own version of this ancient quest for discovering truth. Have your book club perform a Socratic circle. Come up with a list of a few questions you’d like to discuss and prepare responses individually. Once your group meets, form an inner circle and an outer circle. The inner circle will do the discussing, while the outer circle will watch, listen, and take notes. Over lunch, discuss how the circle felt different from your regular book club meeting. Did the tone of the conversation change?

Rules for a Socratic circle can be found here:

3. Go on a nature walk with your book club. Notice everything around you using your five senses—what do you hear? Smell? See? Taste? How do you feel in this moment? Are you happy? Collect as much “data” on your walk as possible, feeling the ground underneath you, the air around you, the sky overhead. In essence, “shine a spotlight on the here and now . . . earnestly and conscientiously” (page 254). Once the walk is complete, reconvene with your book club and exchange notes about the experience. What was it like to live in the moment? Was it a new experience for you, or something you try often? Were you successful at shutting out the past and/or future? Why or why not?

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