Table of Contents
Preface: Why This Book? xiii
A Note about Family xiv
Introduction xv
Chapter 1 The Journey through Separation 1
How Conflict Keeps Us Connected 1
What It Means to Uncouple 3
Separating "Spouse Mind" from "Parent Mind" 5
Key to Healing: Avoiding or Managing Triggers, Rage, and Meltdowns 7
Crafting a Separation Story: What Do We Tell the Neighbors? 10
High Conflict: When Your Ex Is Stuck in Blame or Anger and Won't Talk to You 12
Grief Isn't a Straight Path: Anger, Tears, and Acceptance 15
Forgiveness: Is It Worth It? Is It Possible? 16
Chapter 2 The Journey from Parenting Together to Co-Parenting Apart 19
Parents' Feelings: Pacing the Process 19
How Separation Impacts Parenting Style 20
Gatekeeping 24
Stepping Up and Stepping In 26
The Value of Two Good-Enough Parents 28
Co-Parenting as Allies, Not Enemies 30
Co-Parenting Goals 31
Your Co-Parenting Goals 33
Chapter 3 The Journey through Separation for Kids 35
Child Development and Adjusting to Separation 35
What Your Child Needs Most (At Any Age) 37
Don't Kids Deserve the Truth? Actually, No 38
Explaining Separation in Kid Language 39
Kids Caught in the Middle of Parental Conflict 41
Fanning the Fire of Parental Conflict 44
Kids as Spy or Private Eye: An Unhealthy Alliance 45
Tips to Protect Kids from Parental Conflict 45
Helping Children Work through Emotions 47
When We Feel Too Much for Our Kids: Compassion Traps 51
Answering Kids' Difficult Questions 52
Chapter 4 Settling into a Two-Home Family 57
Building a Secure Home Base in a Two-Home Family 57
Two 100 Percent Parents on a Parenting Schedule 60
A Clear Residential Schedule 62
Guidelines for Managing Your Residential Schedule 65
The Complexity of Co-Parenting Long Distance 68
Child-Centered Transitions 71
Good Co-Parenting Hygiene: Rules for the Co-Parenting Road 74
Sovereign Time: Independent Parenting 79
Helping Grandparents and Extended Family Join the Team 82
What about Miss Kitty and Fido? 83
Chapter 5 Communication Protocols that Work 85
The Five Cs that Guide Respectful Communication 88
Communication Protocols 92
Modes of Communication 103
Kids and Communication 106
Chapter 6 Decision Making 109
CEOs: Co-Parent Executive Officers 109
Joint Decisions Made Jointly 112
"Your Dad and I," "Your Mom and I" 114
Day-to-Day Decision Making 116
Responsible Informing 120
Emergency Decisions 122
Kids and Co-Parenting Decisions 122
Child Care: Babysitters and Leaving Older Children Home Alone 125
Chapter 7 Managing Finances 129
CFOs: Co-Parent Financial Officers 130
Educate Yourself: Co-Design a Plan and Implement with Integrity 131
Anticipating Expenses 137
Kids and Money Matters 140
Clothing and Budgets 143
Holidays, Birthdays, and Gifts 144
Chapter 8 Co-Parenting at Holidays and Life-Cycle Events 147
New Family Rituals Evolve over Time 147
What about Birthdays? 155
More Special Occasions 159
Chapter 9 Co-Parenting in Public Spaces 163
Emotional Readiness 163
Sports and Extracurricular Activities 165
School and School Events 167
Faith-Community and Religious Practices 169
Primary Health-Care and Dental Appointments 172
Peer Birthday Parties 173
Playmates and Their Families 174
Other Family Events in Public Spaces 175
Chapter 10 New Adults in Your Children's Lives 177
Adult Relationships 101 177
Introducing New Romantic Partners 179
Growth and Development 181
Timing, Pacing, and Adjustment 182
Adult Sleepovers 188
Romantic Partner or Stepparent? 189
New Partners at Kid-Centered Public Events 192
Chapter 11 The Co-Parenting Relationship: Skill, Acceptance, and Maturity 195
Co-Parenting Relationships Develop over Time 195
Impact of Changes in Circumstance 199
Co-Parent Skills 201
Co-Parent Styles 203
What If I Worry that My Children Are Unsafe? 208
The Key to a Difficult Co-Parent: Acceptance 209
Chapter 12 Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids in a Two-Home Family 221
Rebuild a Sense of Family Fun 221
Believe Your Kids Will Do Great Things 223
Love: The Balance of Nurturing and Discipline 224
Involve Kids While Protecting Childhood 225
Protect Your Children from Adult Problems 226
The Seven Cs: Helping Kids Build Resilience 227
Give Kids the Gift of a Happy Parent 235
Acknowledgments 237
Appendix 239
Additional Resources 239
Transition Communication Checklist 242
Co-Parent Business Meeting Checklist 243
Signs of Kid Distress 245
What to Tell the Kids about a High-Conflict Co-Parent: Teach Four Big Skills 246
Children and Chores: Suggestions for Tasks that Build Children's Skills and Confidence 248
How Do I Get My Ex to Accept a New Stepparent for Our Kids? 249
Choosing a Family Law Attorney 251
Changing Your Parenting Plan: What to Consider When Things Aren't Going Well 253
Inadvertently Harming Your Child's Relationship with the Other Parent 257
Index 263
