The Big Five-Oh!: Facing, Fearing, And Fighting Fifty

by William Geist

Overview

Bill Geist's hilarious book describes his personal struggle with the awful aging process and with the monumental milestone called the Big Five-Oh. From the trauma of receiving an application to join the AARP to the realization that he can't really see the menu, hear the waiter, or remember the specials, Geist catalogs the discontents, large and small, of those approaching and passing fifty. He lies about his age, shops for a Harley, buys an Ab-Roller, receives liposuction counseling, finds himself the oldest guy at a rock concert, catches himself paying attention to a Depends commercial, buys "relaxed fit" jeans, falls asleep at a party, wakes up from a nightmare about college tuition, and damn near buys a Cadillac!

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780688163440
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	08/19/1998
Pages:	272
Sales rank:	1,096,713
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.25(h) x 0.68(d)

About the Author

Bill Geist wrote the "About New York" column for The New York Times before moving to CBS, where he is a regular commentator for "Sunday Morning" and "The CBS Evening News." He has written several books, including the best-selling Little League Confidential.

Read an Excerpt

50 Ways to Tell You're 50

1. Test-drive Cadillac
2. Have to "double pump" to get out of taxicab
3. Longer recovery time between orgasms (six weeks at VA Hospital)
4. Never heard of Grammy winners
5. Make grunting sounds putting on socks
6. Drop Playboy Channel, pick up Food Network
7. Attend menopause awareness seminars to meet chicks (men)
8. Able to periodically defrost Hungry-Man Double Entree TV dinner with bare hands (women)
9. Take three tries to call own kids by correct names
10. Switch from frozen margaritas to Sustacal and vodka
11. Can't read menu
12. Can't hear specials
13. Couldn't remember them even if you could
14. Now play air guitar only to "unplugged" records
15. Can't buy CDs because don't know how to open them
16. Fight with toddlers over last disposable diaper in box
17. Ear hair
18. Aquacize
19. Can't see squat (eyesight's failing)
20. Can't see dick (literally)
21. Mall walk
22. Can't recall last sex act (and there was no second party to ask)
23. Aroused only by buffets
24. Wear name tag as much for yourself as for others
25. Support no-fault farting candidates
26. Canvassers signing you up for organ donor program ask, "Mind if we wait?"
27. Let out pants on the first of every month
28. Can't stay up for Letterman/Leno (and wouldn't know Conan if you saw him on the street)
29. Can't tape them; don't know how
30. Must put some of your birthday candles on side of cake
31. Camp overnight at Tower Records for new Tesh release
32. Dig barbershop quartets
33. See withered old codger on street and realize he was one year ahead of you in school
34. Leave turn signalon
35. Forget to zip up
36. Forget to zip down
37. Go to movies you forgot you've already seen (but it doesn't make any difference)
38. Branson vacation
39. Enjoy CBS programming
40. Annual medical checkup beginning to sound like Don Rickles' act (e.g., doctor asks if you'd like a sonogram)
41. Obsessive-compulsive reminiscing
42. ``I'd Rather Be Square Dancing'' Bumper sticker (on your RV)
43. Habitually "off-line"
44. Clip "get acquainted" coupon for early-bird special
45. Say "Eh?" and "Huh?" a lot
46. New nickname "Twinplex" (ass is getting so big they couldshow movies on each half)
47. Fall asleep (rather than pass out) at parties
48. Hangovers last longer than three-day flu
49. Have nightmare you're on a bus to Atlantic City with white-haired folks holding complimentary rolls of nickels
50. Stop flipping motorists the bird—and they start flipping it to you