02/19/2024
Making the case that “a good divorce is better than a bad marriage” and that, for children, growing up “with the support and care of both parents” matters more than living arrangements, this supportive parenting resource explores co-parenting, attachment styles, and family dynamics with clarity, empathy, and a wealth of fresh, practical advice. Author Smolarski also gets personal: after the emotional wake-up call of her young daughter expressing her concern and emotions when adjusting to her parents’ recent separation, Smolarski knew she had to put her own feelings of loss, grief, and hurt to the side and focus on providing a secure and stable parenting relationship with her ex for their daughter's sake. Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids lays out a path for “collaboratively communicating and coordinating routines and scheduling and other concerns, in the interest of “providing a secure environment for your child.”
In clear, inviting prose, Smolarski breaks down how different attachment styles—ambivalent, avoidant, and secure—affect the way individuals parent, love, and handle their emotions, and how understanding these can shape a healthy co-parenting partnership committed to a child or children’s needs. "Co-parents create certainty in the midst of change by committing to show up and be present for your child," Smolarski writes. Personal anecdotes, hard-won experience, and illuminating research demonstrate this, while the author provides tips, advice, and original tools like the six Cs of cooperative co-parenting (commitment, collaboration, clarity, and more) to help readers strengthen relationships and provide stability, safety, and clarity.
Smolarski also answers potential questions that may arise on the co-parenting journey at the end of each chapter. Touching smartly on the evolution of family foundations, Smolarski’s book is a valuable resource that faces all the sadness, fear, shame and anger that "can manifest" when household and family dynamics change and offers support and ways to move forward, such as making a clean romantic break and cooperating to become the "supporting base” for children.
Takeaway: Heartening, original guide for co-parents creating stability for children.
Comparable Titles: Mashonda Tifrere's Blend, Christina McGhee's Parenting Apart.
Production grades Cover: A Design and typography: A Illustrations: N/A Editing: A Marketing copy: A
As a licensed marriage and family therapist and divorced mom, Aurisha Smolarski knows how the bickering and battles of divorced parents can hurt a child. If you’ve been searching for the best guidance and tools for co-parenting, you’ve found the right book. Aurisha introduces the principles of secure attachment so you can form a cooperative team and improve your co-parenting approach for your child’s benefit. This book is co-parenting gold.” —Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, and author of Wired for Love and In Each Other’s Care
My clients eventually realize that being a peaceful parent is not about our child—it’s about managing ourselves. This is also true of co-parenting. Aurisha teaches us how to regulate ourselves, manage our own difficult feelings, and successfully navigate the co-parenting relationship while compassionately supporting our child so that they can flourish growing up in two households. I recommend this book for every parent of a child with two houses!” —Sarah Rosensweet, peaceful parenting coach and educator; and host of the top-rated podcast, The Peaceful Parenting Podcast
Co-parenting is not easy, even if both partners are committed to putting their children’s sense of security first. It’s even harder when one or both parents is overwhelmed with anger, loss, or worry. This book provides a useful road map, based on a deep understanding of attachment theory. The core principles and practical strategies can help any co-parent get started on a healthy path, or course-correct to a better co-parenting relationship.” —Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, author of Playful Parenting and The Opposite of Worry
This book is so needed! One of the biggest stressors for parents after they decide to end their romantic relationship is how to continue parenting their kid(s). This is where Aurisha Smolarski’s book comes in. She takes the fear and the stigma out of this challenging time and lays out a science-based, practical, and thoughtful guide to help parents offer a secure base for their child going forward.” —Kara Hoppe, MFT, author of Baby Bomb
An illuminating, hopeful, and highly practical guide. Smolarski reframes co-parenting in the most empathic and eye-opening way, and gives parents a personal road map to a secure and healthy relationship with their kids and themselves. It’s a must-read!” —Heather Turgeon, psychotherapist, and coauthor of The Happy Sleeper
With thirty years in family law, I value awareness. Aurisha Smolarski’s Cooperative Co-parenting for Secure Kids is transformative. Highlighting co-parenting challenges and offering attachment theory-based solutions, it’s more than a guide—it’s a lifeline. Essential for families seeking a harmonious, restructured future.” —Susan Guthrie, leading family law attorney, mediator, and host of the award-winning Divorce and Beyond Podcast
Divorce and separation are a shock. Aurisha’s practical exercises guide co-parents through the messy transitions and turbulent emotions to ease everyone through their upset and grief. Experiential activities offer self-awareness and opportunities to repair attachment wounds. When adults gain insight and skillfulness to heal themselves, children’s secure attachment needs become prioritized with less stress—despite deep divides and different attachment styles. This brilliant book is a godsend in navigating divorce.” —Maggie Kline, coauthor of Brain-Changing Strategies to Trauma-Proof Our Schools, Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes,and Trauma-Proofing Your Kids
Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids offers the guidance and insight co-parents need to provide security for their children, even in the midst of a separation. Smolarski’s helpful exercises, grounded advice, and easy-to-grasp framework provide a road map to navigating interactions with each other and their child. I look forward to sharing this book with many families.” —Tina Payne Bryson, LCSW, PhD, New York Times bestselling coauthor of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline, and author of The Bottom Line for Baby
★ 2023-12-16
Smolarski offers a practical and empathetic guide for separated caregivers to building a co-parenting relationship that helps kids flourish.
Shortly after the author separated from her partner, their 6-year-old daughter told her “I feel all alone in the woods!” That distress signal launched Smolarski, a psychotherapist, mediator, and public policy advocate, on a quest to understand what a “good two-home family” might look like and learn how to create one for her own family. In this guide to creating “a co-parenting relationship that allows your child to thrive,” she outlines three different attachment styles and how they affect family interactions and details key principles newly separated caregivers can follow to prioritize their child’s emotional security during challenging times. The author uses brief fictional scenarios to illustrate different ways divorced or separated parents might interact with each other and with their children, discusses the various emotional factors involved, offers exercises to help readers to identify the factors most important to their personal situation, and revisits the same scenarios to show how they might play out differently when the suggested techniques and approaches are applied. The chapters cover the nature of the co-parenting relationship, making decisions, dealing with your child’s emotions (and your own), developing shared values and effective communication, resolving conflicts, and maintaining consistency across two homes. Each chapter ends with a helpful “Now What?” question-and-answer section addressing specific concerns parents may have. Throughout the book, Smolarski emphasizes self-compassion and argues persuasively that one parent can improve family dynamics to reach what she terms a “win-win-win” by implementing her suggestions even when the co-parent isn’t fully on board. Her realistic and relatable examples include diverse family structures, with children of all ages. The explanations of important concepts, such as “hot potato” emotions and the “upstairs and downstairs brain,” are clear and down to earth. Smolarski’s practical tips and ideas are likely to be helpful across a broad range of relationships.
A helpful and reassuring model of how ex-partners can put their child’s happiness first.
