The Art of Sledging

by J Harold

Overview

A hilarious collection of rude, crude, famous, and infamous "sledges"—a must-have for every cricket tragic. In these days of cricketing correctness and codes of behavior being handed down by the Cricket Police, here is a salute to the good old days when games were won and lost by whatever means available. With a great one-liner on every page, this is a collection of crude, rude, famous, and infamous sledges from the world of cricket. It's a book that will complement every household's throne room.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781741766158
Publisher:	Allen & Unwin Pty., Limited
Publication date:	11/01/2009
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	120
File size:	3 MB

About the Author

J. Harold is a Melbourne-based advertising creative director with a passion for great one-liners. The Art of Sledging is his first book.

Read an Excerpt

The Art of Sledging

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By J. Harold

Allen & Unwin

Copyright © 2008 J. Harold
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74176-615-8

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CHAPTER 1

A True Gentleman's Sport

* * *

Sledging has an honourable tradition and nowhere is this tradition afforded as much respect as in the game of cricket. True, 'tis a gentleman's game and no self-respecting gentleman cricketer would be without his own personal collection of merciless remarks and cruel commentary. Fair's fair after all.

The noble art of sledging is best celebrated on the field when a lone batsmen must front eleven of his rivals and hold his own for as long, or as little, as it takes. Contact not permitted, all intimidation must be made through the brute force and fierce precision of words.

Ruthless insults and brutal replies are essential in any worthy cricket match. And it is cricket's unique pace (some call it slow) that has fostered the sledging culture. Six overs allows plenty of time for running dialogue or ongoing debate; or sometimes even a slow psychological battle of tit for tat unleashed at a tortuously steady rate.

A couple of hours facing googlies, wronguns, and wides has produced some timeless classic taunts and some brilliant comebacks.

Add to this a pitch designed specifically to be safely out of earshot of delicate ladies and it's no doubt that cricket is the true patron of the sledge.

A Bit of History

Claudius to fellow gladiator during first Olympiad at the 100-metre crease:

'Augustus! Your d*#@'s hanging out of your toga.'

CIRCUS MAXIMUS, 50 B.C.

Of course the art of sledging has been around since Roman times, but the word itself was not coined until the early 1960s. According to master sledger Ian Chappell, the use of the word 'sledge' first graced cricket vocabulary in Adelaide during the Sheffield Shield season of either 1963–4 or 1964–5, when a cricketer who swore in the presence of a lady. was considered 'as subtle as a sledgehammer'. In true Australian style, this was then abbreviated to a much more convenient one syllable – 'sledge'. The Percy Sledge number 'When a man loves a woman' was then in the top 40, so anyone swearing in front of a woman was nicknamed 'sledge' or 'Percy'. The term was soon transferred to on-field behaviour:

'There's a bit of Percy Sledge going on out there today.'

And nowhere in the world has sledging been so thoroughly mastered, finessed and crafted than in Australia.

The Science of Sledging

Although many have tried to unlock the secrets of a match-winning sledge, none have succeeded. So the search continues for the sledger's Holy Grail: the ultimate combination of words, timing, and delivery.

Only by studying history can we come to understand the true art of sledging and harness its power. Many sledges have been well documented by the players themselves or picked up by media microphones. Others have drifted through the years and become folklore.

Rules of Engagement

'Use every weapon within the rules and stretch the rules to breaking point, I say.'

FRED TRUEMAN

There are no rules to sledging – just put the other guy off his game.

The Godfather of Sledging

* * *

W.G. GRACE 18-07/1848–23/10/1915

Sporting folklore is overflowing with memorable one-liners but our search has to begin somewhere. And that place, rightfully, is with a cricket legend. Homage must be paid to the enduring wit of the great English batsman, W.G. Grace (18/07/1848 – 23/10/1915).

A champion cricketer in his own right, his remarks on the field became legendary as well. They might seem tame now, but his immortal quips played a major part in setting the standards for tone, wit and level of arrogance that today's sledger must meet. In a gentleman's game he could be anything but gentlemanly, sometimes proving that derision and intimidation can win a game. His enviably sharp and short lines, all delivered with a hidden smile, set a high standard for generations to follow.

This non-walker's stubbornness was notorious and his cockiness legendary. Once, when Grace was at the crease, the ball snuck by him and knocked off a bail. Without hesitation, he replaced the bail and told the umpire straight-faced:

'Twas the wind which took thy bail off, good sir.'

It seems Grace would only go out when he was good and ready. But the umpire gave as good as he got, humouring Grace with the famous reply:

'Indeed, and let us hope thy wind helps you back to the pavilion.'

During an exhibition match when trapped LBW by a young and unknown bowler, Grace stood motionless by his wicket and declared calmly:

'Not out. They came to watch me bat ... not you bowl.'

Ironically, the best sledge involving W.G. Grace came from an opponent. Grace had dubiously managed to stay at the crease, avoiding four or five appeals. Each time, Grace had looked to the umpire to deny bowler Charles Kortright his rightful wicket. Finally Kortright knocked two stumps clean over. Grace again hesitated, waiting to be saved. Reluctantly, he finally began to walk. As he made his way past the bowler, Kortright feigned shock saying:

'Surely you're not going, doctor? There's still one stump standing!'

Glenn McGrath VS Eddo Brandes

T'was a showdown between two famous number eleven batsmen that gave birth to an all-time favourite Australian sledge. Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe's Eddo Brandes. Brandes was struggling, unable to connect with the ball but to his credit, he was valiantly protecting his stumps. A frustrated McGrath wandered up the pitch during one over and asked:

'Oi Brandes, why are you so fat?'

Quick as a flash, Brandes replied:

'Because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit.'

Even the Aussie slips fielders couldn't help but giggle. It took a few minutes before they could resume play.

* * *

Viv Richards VS Greg Thomas

This infamous exchange took place during an English county championship match between Glamorgan and Somerset in 1986. Viv Richards had uncharacteristically swung twice and missed. Glamorgan paceman Greg Thomas found the confidence to rub it in, reminding the batting hero exactly what he was trying to hit.

'It's round, red and weighs about five ounces.'

Richards hit the next ball for a clean six. He pointed the bat in the direction of the ball and said with a smile:

'You know what it looks like, now go fetch it.'

* * *

Ian Healy VS Arjuna Ranatunga

The somewhat plump Sri Lankan captain Ranatunga was at the striker's end facing Shane Warne. Warne was looking for a stumping and had tried all his usual tricks to tempt Ranatunga out of his crease, but he was having no luck. Ranatunga wouldn't budge. Constructive as ever, Ian Healy suggested from the edge of play:

'Put a Mars Bar at a good length ... that should do it.'

* * *

Kumar Sangakkara VS Harbhajan Singh

Around the time that his bowling action was reported as suspect, Sri Lanka's Kumar Sangakkara stopped Harbhajan Singh in his tracks by asking:

'So, why do you wear short sleeves when batting but long sleeves when bowling?'

* * *

Malcolm Marshall VS David Boon

Intimidating West Indian paceman Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon. Boon had played and missed a couple of times. Frustrated, Marshall offered Boonie a fair ultimatum:

'Now David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?'

* * *

Ian Healy VS Michael Atherton

On his first tour to Australia, Michael Atherton was given a lucky reprieve when not out was called on a caught behind appeal. At the end of the day, Ian Healy walked past the lucky batsman and had a few words:

'You're a f***ing cheat.'

To which Atherton simply replied:

'When in Rome, dear boy.'

* * *

Mark Waugh VS James Ormond

James Ormond was making his virgin walk to the pitch during the Ashes tour of 2003. He was greeted by the slightly better known Mark Waugh:

'F**k me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England.'

Ormond replied:

'Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.'

* * *

Paul Nixon VS Andrew Symonds

Nixon was a little-known Leicestershire wicket keeper when he was picked to tour Australia at the age of 37, a challenge he accepted with relish. Taking a leaf out of Ian Healy's book, he was a constant thorn in the Australian side with his relentless, energetic sledging. As Andrew Symonds took guard, Nixon was busy chirping away behind the stumps:

'Symo, if you edge the ball to me and I take the catch, I'm going to send you a copy of the scorecard, to your home, every day for a year.'

* * *

Craig McDermott VS Phil Tufnell

Here's a great example of how a loser can leave on top. Phil Tufnell had just dismissed Aussie fast bowler and tail-end batsman Craig McDermott, but the big redhead left him with these lasting words:

'You've got to bat on this in a minute, Tuffers. Hospital food suit you?'

* * *

Rod Marsh VS Ian Botham

When Botham took to the crease in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words:

'So, how's your wife and my kids?'

Quick as a flash Botham replied:

'Wife's good but the kids are retarded.'

* * *

Legends of the Sledge

* * *

FRED TRUEMAN
06-12/1931–01/06/2006
Test Debut 1949; Tests 67

Homage must be paid to the great Yorkshire and England fast bowler Fred Trueman. 'Fiery Fred' had many classic exchanges throughout the 50s and 60s that kept the cricketing community titillated. An National Treasure, he did his country proud.

Sometimes he didn't bother trying to be witty – sheer, brutal confidence was far more intimidating. Like the time he greeted the opposing team with the fair warning:

'I need nine wickets from this match, so you buggers had better start drawing straws to see who I don't get.'

During Trueman's county career amateur cricketers, known as gentlemen, and professionals, called 'players', still competed against each other. Trueman, a proud professional, made it clear he had little time for amateurs. After humouring a young batsman, Trueman bowled him out with a beautifully crafted delivery.

The young batsman walked from the crease but not before he had the courtesy to commend Trueman's bowling prowess:

'That was a very good ball, Fred.'

Trueman replied:

'Aye, and it was wasted on you.'

In another county game Freddie was bowling to Reverend David Sheppard. Despite facing Trueman, Sheppard got a lucky 50. With a myriad of close calls, half-chances, denied LBWs, and nicks off the bat, it seemed it was the reverend's day. Trueman, being the better sport, remarked:

'Reverend, if you're as lucky on Sundays as you are on Saturdays, you'll end up Archbishop of Canterbury.'

* * *

He was just as cutting in the field. Trueman once welcomed a new Aussie batsman who went to close the gate behind him as he entered the field, with the subtle hint:

'Don't bother shutting it son, you won't be out there long enough.'

* * *

On another occasion Trueman had a batsman LBW on two consecutive balls. But both of these were denied by the umpire. Furious, Freddie reckoned he had to make his next ball count and, sure enough, with the very next ball he knocked the middle stump out of the ground. Turning to the umpire Trueman appealed, with tongue firmly in cheek:

'By gum, that must have been close!'

Fiery Fred made his name as a bowler but even with a bat in hand his wit didn't desert him. Standing at the crease and feeling the pressure, surrounded by a very close ring of Australian fieldsmen, he quipped:

'If you bastards don't back off, I'll appeal against the light.'

No one was safe from Freddie's sardonic wit – not even his team mates. A beautiful delivery from Trueman caught the outside edge of an opponent's bat and flew directly to Raman Subba Row fielding at slip. As Trueman watched, the ball went right through the fielder's legs and to the boundary at third man. Fred didn't say a word. At the end of the over, Subba Row apologised meekly:

'Sorry Fred, I should've kept my legs together.

Trueman replied in characteristic fashion:

'Not you, son. Your mother should've!'

* * *

Aamer Sohail VS Ian Botham

In the 1980s Ian Botham returned to England from a tour of Pakistan, and, when asked to describe the country in a radio interview, joked that Pakistan is the ideal sort of country to send your mother-in-law on holiday. Needless to say the Pakistanis did not find this amusing.

So when Pakistan defeated England in the 1992 World Cup Final in Melbourne, Aamer Sohail was quick to remind Ian Botham of his comments:

'Why don't you send your mother-in-law out to play, she can't do much worse.'

* * *

Shane Watson VS Darren Gough and the ghost of Lumley Castle

While on tour in England in 2005, Queensland all-rounder Shane Watson complained of a sleepless night at Lumley Castle in Durham. Apparently the culprit was a 700-year-old ghost, which had Watson so badly spooked that he left his room to sleep on the floor of teammate Brett Lee's room.

Of course the English media and players loved the idea of the big, strapping Aussie being terrified by things going bump in the night. The next day he was greeted at the wicket by a series of spooky ghost impersonations led by English bowler Darren Gough, who was also generous enough to offer:

'Don't worry Shane, you can sleep in my bed tonight.'

* * *

Shane Watson VS Kevin Pietersen

After the ghost-busting antics at Lumley Castle, Shane Watson looked to return fire to the Englishmen. While bowling to Kevin Pietersen, Watson unloaded a tirade of sledges that, unfortunately, proved as ineffective as his bowling.

Watson's fiance, Kym Johnson, had just very publicly dumped him for her Dancing with the Stars partner Tom Williams. Pietersen took full advantage of this fact, replying:

'Awww, you're just upset cos no one loves you any more.'

* * *

Sachin Tendulkar VS Abdul Qadir

The year was 1989, and Sachin was not even old enough to get a driving licence when he was making his debut and facing the best bowlers in the business. The Pakistani crowds jeered and mocked him, holding out placards saying, 'Hey kid, go home and drink milk.'

Facing young leg spinner Mushtaq Ahmed, Sachin hit two sixes in one over and literally sent the young bowler ducking for cover. Incensed, Ahmed's mentor Abdul Qadir came on to bowl, defending his younger team mate with:

'Why are you hitting kids? Try and hit me.'

Sachin was silent – since then we have all come to know that he lets his bat do the talking. But it didn't take him long to oblige Abdul Qadir's simple request. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over. The over read 6, 0, 4, 6, 6, 6.

David had felled Goliath ... and a legend was born.

* * *

Ravi Shastri VS Mike Whitney

Mike Whitney was twelfth man in a test match against India. He had come on to relieve an injured teammate. Ravi Shastri played the ball in Whitney's direction and looked for a single, but Whitney managed to field the ball and to rifle it back into the keeper, preventing the run.

Whitney:

'If you leave the crease I'll break your f**king head.'

Shastri:

'If you could play as well as you talk you wouldn't be the f**king twelfth man.'

* * *

Steve Waugh & Ian Healy VS Nasser Hussain

With Nasser Hussain new at the crease, Aussie captain Steve Waugh looked to put the pressure on him. He directed Ricky Ponting:

'Field at silly point. I want you right under his nose.'

Arch rogue Ian Healy chipped in:

'That could be anywhere inside a three mile radius!'

Laughing, Nasser was out three balls later.

* * *

Mark Boucher VS Tatenda Taibu

Some sledges involve a great one-liner, others are designed to chip away at your confidence like death by a thousand cuts. During Zimbabwe's 2005 tour of South Africa, the Protea's wicket keeper Mark Boucher worked away at Zimbabwean captain Tantenda Taibu, ball by ball:

'I'm going to get you out now, because I think you might be averaging single figures this tour.'

'I'll walk you to the change rooms as well, how 'bout that?'

'What are you averaging? You must know your average ... 9 ... 10. 9 or 10?'

'I think it's 9, maybe 9.5, so we'll give you 10.'

* * *

Nasser Hussain VS Muttiah Muralitharan

1995 Boxing Day test, Melbourne. Umpire Darrell Hair controversially called Murali for a no ball for chucking, ruling his bowling action illegal. Eight years later and a continent away, Nasser Hussain allegedly welcomed him to the crease with:

'You're a f***ing cheat and a f***ing chucker.'

Now Nasser, tell us what you really think.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from The Art of Sledging by J. Harold. Copyright © 2008 J. Harold. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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