Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

by Sharon Strand Ellison

Overview

Whether we are dealing with a rude clerk, our child saying, "That's not fair!," our spouse ignoring us, or an uncooperative co-worker, in our struggle to respond effectively, we often become defensive - sometimes without even realizing it. Despite good intentions, we can become manipulative and controlling, even with those we love most.

In this groundbreaking book, Sharon Ellison takes us to the root of our communication problems. She shows us how defensiveness functions in our lives and can lead to hurtful power struggles, outlining the six basic patterns we use:

* Self-Betrayal

* Avoidance

* Excuses

* Sabotage

* Vindictiveness

* Blame

Using her Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication process, you can express yourself with a compelling blend of vulnerability and honesty. Learn to:

* Ask disarming questions that prompt others to drop their defenses and open up

* Give direct feedback to others without being judgmental

* Express your own beliefs, feelings, and ideas passionately without being adversarial, so you can be heard and respected

* Set firm boundaries that create security and clear expectations.

"Taking the War Out of Our Words" provides us with vital tools for healing conflict, enhancing self-esteem, becoming more open and spontaneous, strengthening relationships, transforming organizations, and guiding the way toward peace in our global community.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780982051825
Publisher:	Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing
Publication date:	01/01/2009
Edition description:	New Edition
Pages:	304
Product dimensions:	0.68(w) x 6.00(h) x 9.00(d)

Table of Contents

List of Charts     x
Acknowledgments     xi
Introduction: It's Just Human Nature-or Is It?     xv
The War Model: A Traditional System for Communicating
Defensiveness: The Only Self-Protection We Know     7
Defensive Barriers in War and Conversation     7
De-Facing the Enemy     8
Hiding Information     10
The Making of Power Struggle     15
Like Flies in a Jar     20
Basic Categories of Defense     21
Defensive Modes as Personality Types     22
Surrender     23
Surrender-Betray: Co-Dependent Personality Type     23
Surrender-Sabotage: Passive-Aggressive Personality Type     27
Withdrawal     36
Withdraw-Escape: Passive Personality Type     36
Withdraw-Entrap: Vindictive Personality Type     42
Counterattack     50
Counterattack-Justify: Defensive Personality Type     50
Counterattack-Blame: Aggressive Personality Type     55
Common Misuses of Our Basic Communication Tools     60
Questions: Villains in Disguise     61
Statements: Lords of Truth     67
Predictions: Foretellers of Doom     72
The Current "Real World"     75
The Non-Defensive Model: Tools Instead of Weapons
Introduction to Part II: A New Real World     81
The Question: Curiosity Didn't Kill the Cat-It Won the Peace Prize     83
Nature: Curious and Innocent     84
Function: Gathering Up Information     87
Effect: Disarming-and More     90
Taking Quantum Leaps     99
Formats for Asking Non-Defensive Questions     103
The Blueprint Hidden in the Words     103
Content Questions: Getting the Story Straight     106
Process Questions: Looking Behind the Scenes     119
The Statement: Vulnerability and Power Join Hands     126
Nature: Open and Direct     127
Function: Laying It All Out on the Table     131
Effect: Courage, Freedom-and More     135
Formats for Making Non-Defensive Statements     146
Interpreting the Overt Message     149
Interpreting the Covert Message     151
Interpreting Cause or Motive     154
Expressing Our Reactions with Integrity and Passion     159
Using the Statement Formats Together     161
The Feedback Loop     163
The Prediction: A New Prescription for Security     165
Nature: Protective and Firm      166
Function: Creating Security Through Predictability     170
Effect: Respect, Reciprocity-and More     171
Formats for Making Non-Defensive Predictions     186
Limit-Setting: My Consequences     187
Challenge-Choice: Life's Consequences     208
The Non-Defensive Mind and Heart Set     214
Preparing to Be Non-Defensive     214
Selecting Practice Methods     228
Accepting Imperfection     233
Communication as a Transfer of Energy     234
The Practice of Becoming Non-Defensive     237
Short Versions of the Non-Defensive Process     237
The Non-Defensive Process in the Context of Various Types of Relationships     240
A World of Opportunities     262
Conclusion: Peace and Power     264
Index of Examples     271
Index of Topics     277