Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit

by William J. Knaus, Knaus

Overview

"Comprehensively covers many deadly aspects of blaming-blaming oneself, other people, and external conditions-and does so in an exceptionally clear, readable, and charming manner."-Albert Ellis, Ph.D., President, Albert Ellis Institute for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
"Dr. Knaus provides a clear path away from fault-finding and condemnation to a tolerant, assertive, and fufilling modus vivendi. I heartily recommend it!"-Arnold Lazarus, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Rutgers University
Take charge of your life once and for all with this proven program for ending the blame habit
"Who's to blame?" Is this your first thought when something goes wrong? Do you find yourself trapped in a web of finger-pointing, criticism, and fault-finding when there's a problem? Or does fear of blame or criticism paralyze you into inaction? Bestselling author and therapist William Knaus shows you how to overcome the self-destructive tendency to blame and achieve a more rewarding and happier life. Here, you'll learn valuable steps to increase your ability to resolve conflicts, improve your self-confidence, and avoid damaging "blame traps" that can frustrate personal and professional fulfillment.
Take Charge Now! provides you with the necessary skills to recognize potential blame situations and defuse them with confidence. You'll also learn to build stronger relationships as you discover how to understand other points of view while standing up for your own.
Packed with imaginative ideas and thought-provoking exercises, Take Charge Now! presents a vital program for improving your life

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780471325635
Publisher:	Turner Publishing Company
Publication date:	05/25/2000
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	6.08(w) x 9.16(h) x 0.57(d)

About the Author

WILLIAM J. KNAUS, Ed.D., has been a therapist for over twenty-five years and is a former director of training at the Institute for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. His work has been covered extensively in national print and broadcast media. He is the author of Wiley s bestsellers, Change Your Life Now! and Do It Now!

Table of Contents

DIMENSIONS OF BLAME.

Exiting the Blame Trap.

Tackling Stereotyped Blame.

Freedom from Exoneration Ploys.

Cause, Effect, and Blame.

Foibles, Flaws, and Blame.

Self-Consciousness, Shame, and Guilt.

Breaking the Circles of Blame.

Piercing Patterns of Blame.

RELATIONSHIPS AND BLAME.

Blame and Intimacy.

Triumphing over Family Blame.

Understanding Blamers.

Communicating Powerfully with Impact.

OVERCOMING BLAME.

Improving Your Life Story.

Beyond the Boundaries of Blame.

Increasing Perspective.

Debunking False Blame Beliefs .

Busting the Blame--Anger Connection.

Frustration Tolerance Training.

Overcoming Blame through Assertiveness

Procrastination, Blame, and Change.

Endnote.

Index.

Introduction

Exiting the Blame Trap

The traps that truly bind us are those that exist within our minds.

The specter of blame looms large in everyday life-- perhaps larger than you think. Blame, like air, is everywhere. Let's look into this blame-filled world in order to find ways to liberate ourselves from the needless forms of blame that harm our relationships, degrade our self-confidence, and preoccupy our time. Through this journey you can substantially add to your understanding about what motivates unnecessary blame and how to take charge of your life by using powerful techniques to beat the blame game.

Blame has existed throughout the ages. Adam blamed Eve for getting them both thrown out of paradise. The ancient Greeks blamed fickle gods for pestilence and disaster. Priests in the Middle Ages blamed demons and devils for causing what we now know is mental illness.

The blame beat goes on. The child blames a broken pencil for a late school assignment. A friend blames a poor memory for not following through. The driver blames a pothole for a sideswiping accident. The rejected lover blames herself for everything. The meteorologist blames El Niño or La Niña for bad weather. The professor blames society for causing crime. The teacher tells the parent, "Your son is lazy and that is why he is failing." The basketball player looks at a spot on the floor to say symbolically that the floor caused his fall. We blame the coach for a losing season. We point the finger at fluorocarbons for global warming. We blame ourselves for the mistakes we make. We also hear blame disguised through harshly toned questions: "What are you trying to do?" "Why did you do it?"

We all engage in blaming, and sometimes with merit. Habitual blaming, however, can rise to the level of a syndrome, or a series of symptoms that characterize an undesirable condition. The blame syndrome includes various combinations of whining, complaining, criticizing, fault-finding, finger-pointing, accusing, reproving, insulting, demonizing, bickering, carping, backbiting, chiding, scolding, mocking, sneering, slurring, branding, and defensiveness that can occur without much forethought.

Of course blame has its place. Without social standards and controls, including measured forms of blame, we'd have chaos.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF BLAME

Let's start by defining "blame": To blame means to hold responsible and to censure for cause. When we blame, 1) we rely on standards and rules of conduct, 2) we evaluate behavior against those standards, and 3) based on the degree of verifiable accountability, we receive or dispense penalties for rule violations. The process of blame is part of a larger social process of "consequence." Apragmatist rightly says that we need to follow reasonable codes of conduct and so we need sensible standards and guidelines to ensure that we live long and reasonably secure lives within our social world. We need rewards and penalties to ensure such an order. Blame is a part of this social-corrective process that includes negative consequences such as criticism, punishment, penalties, and censure. This pragmatic view asserts that blame serves both to assign fault and to encourage conformity to known and accepted rules. A well-placed, realistic and constructive criticism, for example, can help shape behavior.

Some people feel paralyzed by self-conscious fears of disapproval and blame. We counterbalance those fears of blame with compassion, empathy, forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, charity, benevolence, sensitivity, fairness, and justice. We also tend to look at extenuating conditions when considering blame and consequences. The person who shows up late for a meeting blames a traffic jam. If this person is rarely late, the explanation probably is credible. Other exonerations are phony ploys. Wally batters his wife, June, and explains, "I was drunk at the time." Who chose to drink?

EXTENSIONS OF BLAME

Blame is necessary to maintain social order through holding people accountable for their actions. A person is culpable, for example, for causing an automobile accident by running a red light. If you habitually pay your bills late, you are responsible and you can suffer a penalty in the form of a lower credit rating.

If we each gave and accepted blame according to this more dispassionate view, blame would not be such an emotionally charged process. But as practically everyone knows, blame has extended meanings. Once we've established fault, when we extend this blame by adding condemnations, character assassinations, and unwarranted criticism, we go beyond what is necessary. Understanding and defusing these extensions of blame is, perhaps, the most important thing people can do to increase their happiness, establish positive relationships, and reduce stress. Predictably, eliminating extensions of blame should promote fewer hassles, and people will lead happier, saner lives.

Extensions of blame add nothing constructive and detract from problem solving and positive human relationships. Alertness to extension-of-blame thinking opens opportunities for avoiding it. By the time you finish reading this book, you may be quick to recognize extension-of-blame thinking and defuse it with confidence.

The more dangerous blame extensions involve a blanket condemnation of people themselves rather than their mistakes and faults. When you totally condemn someone, you can justify retaliatory action against the person. At the extreme, we see these global retaliatory extensions of blame in Adolf Hitler's views toward Gypsies, Jews, and Slavs whom he blamed, depersonalized, condemned, and had murdered. Hitler's "big lie" asserted that these groups were unalterably and unambiguously evil. His extension-of-blame fiction becomes obvious when we ask: How can a complex person be only one way or another?

Sometimes we feel exasperated, and this feeling gains expression through direct blame labeling. Someone bumps into you and you think, "Clumsy oaf." Exasperation also may be expressed in inferences of blame, such as "It's about time that you finally got around to doing it," and in subtle innuendoes, such as "You really can't expect much from her," "He's out of date," or "They are just lazy."

False blame is an infuriating blame extension. To gain unfair advantage or evade responsibility, people wrongly blame others. This attack mentality occurs in many quarters from professionals who put down their colleagues to unfairly obtain clients to criminals who blame society for their problems.

Extensions of blame are clearly negative ways for us to communicate with others. Typically they are motivated by an anger that seeks to strip the targeted person of his or her individuality. (See chapter 17 for strategies to overcome blame-related anger.) Even an occasional excursion into the extensions-of-blame realm can disrupt relationships and create lingering ill will. But just as developing immunity to the various strains of the flu virus improves physical health, getting extensions of blame out of your thoughts and actions can do much to improve relationship health.

Extensions of Blame and Distortions

Blame can come about as a result of distortions that operate automatically to mask reality. These conditions of mind include exaggerating, overgeneralizing, thinking in circles, demanding what cannot be, and thinking dichotomously where we view life in black-and-white terms. Liz, for example, expected her dream date to take her to a romantic restaurant. When she discovered his idea of a romantic restaurant differed from hers, she ruined her evening by dwelling on his "bad taste" and blaming him for "insensitivity." "It's his fault," she thought, "for wrecking the date."

Liz was totally oblivious to how she spoiled a dream date with a man she previously found attractive by falling into an extension-of-blame, dichotomous-thinking blame trap. She thought there are only two kinds of restaurants: romantic and unromantic. She also believed that if her date took her to a romantic restaurant, he was worthy. Since her date took her to what she defined as an unromantic restaurant, he was blameworthy. She extended blame by taking this one step further by believing that her blameworthy date deserved damnation. Since most human activities exist on a continuum, where accountability can occur in disputable degrees, ascribing total blame under these conditions seems silly, especially when Liz's definitions are arbitrary and her date's responsibility is not clear to him.

Extensions of Blame and Violence

The American culture is a blame culture. When the blame process includes belittling, condemnation, disparagement, creating outcasts, or dehumanizing people, we've added needless extensions to the process of blame. Violence is one possible outcome of extension-of-blame thinking.

The psychology of violence is complicated. It involves a self-absorbed view and extension-of-blame thinking that fuels hostile emotions. This process frequently includes dehumanizing people, which justifies inflicting verbal or physical abuse or violence. Bob believes that Judy is not faithful enough to him. He has no factual basis for this conclusion. Nevertheless, he acts as if the belief were true. One day she arrives home late. Now he sees her as a "cheat" and her lateness as justifying his view. Viewing her as subhuman, he feels justified badgering her and berating her for being a "cheat."

Society would be a great deal safer without extension-of-blame thinking. Annoyances and frustrations would still exist. Certain events simply would not be tolerated, however. If blame extensions were reduced, there would be far fewer cases of abuse and violence.

Alternative Solutions to Violence

What are we to do to prevent violent extensions of blame? No perfect answer exists. However, we can reduce violence.

People who develop empathy for others are less likely to engage in extensions of blame and violent activities. Understanding and tolerance go a long way to defuse pernicious forms of blame. These conditions of mind are teachable, learnable, and transmittable.

Children who develop emotional problem-solving skills learn to build a solid self-concept, establish a sense of self-efficacy (the ability to organize, regulate, and direct efforts toward positive goals), establish the ability to interpose reason between impulse and action, build frustration tolerance, constructively assert their positive interests, communicate effectively, and challenge themselves to stretch their positive abilities. Such children are less likely to resort to extension-of-blame thinking habits and to resort to violence to solve their problems.

This book describes ways for adults to gain progressive mastery over extension-of-blame thinking and, by positive modeling, to pass this knowledge down to the next generation in the form of powerful alternatives to the extensions of blame. It also provides rational ways to view blameworthy actions and realistic ways to rid ourselves of the sort of extension-of-blame thinking that leads to harmful extremes.

BLAME TRAPS

A blame trap is a self-deceptive pattern in which we ensnare ourselves in a fruitless habit of blame and blame avoidance.

Blame traps come in different forms. Some of them are directed outward, as when we blame others for our own failings; others are directed inward, when instead of simply taking responsibility, we apply extension-of-blame thinking to ourselves or give flimsy excuses for our blameworthy actions. Some reflect a fear of blame. Others lead to paralysis and inaction. All involve a defensive deflection from personal accountability and responsibility for one's thoughts, feelings, and actions. (In chapter 3 we look closely at other ways that people attempt to exonerate themselves from blame.) Once you learn to recognize these traps, you are less likely to be fooled and ensnared by them. Here is a sampling:

• The Perfectionist Trap. Some people impose inflexible expectations, rules, roles, and requirements onto themselves or others. And when people invariably veer from these tight standards, the perfectionist is primed to blame. In this world, even the slightest mistake can rise to a calamity and the blame game follows. If you fall into this trap, start your exit by honestly evaluating whether your expectations are expectancies, opinions, or hypotheses. Chances are you'll find that you are expressing an opinion, and an opinion is not the same as a fact.

• The Political Trap. People who try to take the credit for all that is good and blame others for whatever goes wrong have fallen into the political blame trap. The goal of politicians is to look good. When events go sour, they will make others look bad to divert attention from themselves. If you're following this gambit, you'll find that you prioritize your image over your self-development. To stay out of the political blame trap, accept responsibility for your mistakes and use them as stepping-stones to self-improvement.

• The Ego Trap. Some people fall into the ego blame trap. If you're in this group, you probably follow Stephen Potter's one-upmanship gambit. By extending blame to others for their foibles and faults, you artificially boost your ego. However, this boost yields a false sense of security. Problems others exhibit do nothing to make your inner life blissful. To stay out of this trap, look for ways to praise others appropriately and to avoid degrading them.

• The Projection Trap. When you feel on top of the world, you may look around and see everybody as happy human beings. Envisioning others as thinking and feeling the same way that you do is a normal human tendency. A quick evaluation, however, can change this perspective. The same mechanism is at play when you fall into the projection blame trap. Here you attribute your undesirable motives to others. Acon artist decides to cheat someone out of her money. Without a basis in fact, the con artist thinks that the person would do the same if given the chance. Now the victim is to blame for having similar motivations. This blame projection is a crutch to justify the unacceptable and to avoid blame. People stay out of this trap by recognizing and owning their own feelings and motivations.

• The Rationalization Trap. Rationalization trap people give credible-sounding but false reasons to excuse their behavior and to avoid blame: "I wasn't taught that"; "I thought that was permissible"; "It wouldn't have happened if the weather hadn't changed." This intellectual defense gives the individual a way to save face. However, time spent in blame-avoidance rationalizations often is better used to correct the reasons for the rationalizations. To stay out of the rationalization trap, act to fulfill responsibilities without excusing yourself. For example, if you forget to make a phone call, instead of blaming a colleague for distracting you, simply say "I forgot."

• The Denial Trap. Denial takes many forms. A Pollyanna-ish denial is to perceive the world in glowing terms. Another is to psychologically block painful realities, thoughts, or feelings. The more common denial, however, is to consciously disavow blameworthy actions. This form of denial is the first line of defense against blame among people in a blame culture. If you fall into the denial trap, when things go wrong you'll find yourself falsely claiming "I didn't do it"; "It's not my fault." This quick and easy escape technique diminishes opportunities for positive change. To stay out of this trap, put your efforts into addressing and solving problems rather than wasting time and energy on futile denials.

• The Whiney Trap. Whiney blame-trap people appear to feel overwhelmed, outgunned, and helpless to convincingly assert their preferences and interests. They whine and complain as a way of blaming. This is not a weak ploy but a highly manipulative blaming style. The trap has a big downside. The person frequently feels dependent and helpless. To stay out of the whiney blame trap, follow St. Thomas Aquinas's advice: "Let me change what I can, accept what I can't, and know the difference between the two."

• The Depression Trap. When you're in the depression blame trap, you falsely define yourself as helpless yet blame yourself for matters that, if you were truly helpless, you could not be expected to control. Scarcely aware of this self-blame-powerless paradox, people in this trap live life without hope. To stay out of the trap, recognize that you can practically always find an option and that the smallest step to execute that option is a signal of your ability to change.

• The Terrible-Person Trap. The terrible-person blame trap is among the most painful variety. You blame yourself and declare yourself a terrible person for being who you are. This blame belief boxes you into a self-defeating outlook. If you are a "terrible person," how can you correct who you are? Those who stay out of this trap convince themselves to make appropriate changes, including changing beliefs that lead to this type of faulty self-concept.

• The Fear-of-Blame Trap. The fear-of-blame trap places an artificial limit on ability. Many in this group refuse to take prudent risks unless they have a guarantee of success. Sadly, the person with an artistic vision pumps gas because he fears the words of critics. A fear-driven clerk with a cost-saving idea winces at the thought of her employer's scoffing at her idea. To stay out of this trap look for ways to accept rather than reject yourself.

Blame traps occur in different combinations. People in the rationalization trap often project and deny. A classic example is that of the alcoholic who believes everyone drinks heavily and who blames work, a flat tire, a "bad break," or an unhappy fourth-grade experience for his or her troubles. In this defensive state, the person denies the problem by pretending to be a victim and claims he or she drinks to "lift the spirit," to "forget," or to "reduce stress." These excuses are as valid as sitting in a garbage pit and saying it smells like roses.

THE TAR-BABY BLAME TRAP

In the world of blame we can find many people who, like the rabbit character in Joel Chandler Harris's classic story of Brer Rabbit, create blame conflicts and cause themselves harm. In the story, Brer Rabbit greeted a tar baby on a hot day. The tar baby, of course, couldn't respond. Demanding a response, an obviously frustrated Brer Rabbit blamed the inanimate figure for remaining silent, trounced it, and got stuck. The more the rabbit blamed and fussed, the deeper he dug himself into the tar baby.

People who fall into this tar-baby blame trap can scarcely contemplate an alternative reality, one where they settle their differences without extension-of-blame actions. By losing perspective and fighting false demons, such as Brer Rabbit fighting the tar baby, people in this state of mind spew blame with a scarce awareness of the consequences of this action. Like the classic "hillbilly" feud between the Hatfields and McCoys, whose long-standing hatred was based on long-forgotten grudges, we may not remember the point of origin for our conflicts but we still blame.

As with Brer Rabbit and the Hatfields and McCoys, not all consequences teach. Some repeat destructive patterns despite bad results. What is the explanation for smart people repeatedly falling into blame traps? Here are some common reasons:

1. Those with ego problems are primed to refuse to admit publicly to being wrong.
2. People practiced in the art of blame repeat this familiar pattern and get better at it.
3. Where people protect themselves from blame by blaming, this defensiveness stunts growth and positive change.
4. We sometimes escape consequences by shifting the blame onto others. This result can feel relieving or rewarding. That which is rewarded is likely to be repeated.
5. People who unrealistically see life through a highly personalized perspective and refuse to admit to any wrong discourage others from giving them honest feedback.

When you allow yourself and others latitude, reflect on your experiences, and accept responsibility for your thinking and actions, you are less likely to join Brer Rabbit in his tiring battle with the tar baby.

ESCAPE FROM THE TRAPS

A blame trap is where we ensnare ourselves in a fruitless pattern of blame. The best way to avoid blame traps is to keep blame at a descriptive level. At this level we objectively describe events, then dispassionately hold ourselves or others responsible. In a descriptive system, blameworthy actions are generally known. The penalties are flexibly fixed and measured against the person and situation. So, if you intentionally break a window in anger, you replace the glass and probably receive a reprimand as a result of your intent. If you are delirious and accidentally break a window, your level of accountability is lessened. If you break the window as a result of a slipping accident over which you have no control, you may be held blameless. In a nutshell, you keep "personalities" and extensions of blame out of the picture.

POSTSCRIPT

The American journalist P. J. O'Rourke once remarked, "One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on." To break free of blame thinking requires acting against the various extensions of blame, including condemnations. But that is only half of the story.

Regardless of the challenges you face, to move forward to enjoy life requires translating your clear-thinking abilities and positive motivations into sustained action. Doing so involves building a realistic awareness of your opportunities, challenges, and problem zones so that you can undertake constructive change. Learning to deal with blame, then, becomes a means to bring out both your active and your dormant potentials to put the best part of yourself forward. One of these prime potentials involves finding legitimate ways to engage people cooperatively when you also could choose contention and blame.