Read an Excerpt
Stress-Free Discipline
Simple Strategies for Handling Common Behavior Problems
By Sara Au, Peter L. Stavinoha AMACOM
Copyright © 2015 Sara Au and Peter L. Stavinoha
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8144-4910-3
CHAPTER 1
Decode Your Child's Behavior
A parent's job is never easy, or over! Discipline may seem an insurmountable challenge. That's especially true if you're reading this book in reaction to your child's continued bad behavior, which has finally pushed you, or your partner, to a breaking point. But starting now, we want you to clear your mind of those troubles. We know it's hard, but you're going to start new with a blank slate and a fresh outlook.
You're probably wondering, "Okay, Dr. Pete and Sara—how exactly do we do that?"
First, understand that parenting is not simply black and white, right or wrong. There's no set of rules that say we all have to do things the same way. You'll find you've made mistakes, like all of us do, but don't let them make you feel paralyzed, or guilty, or inadequate. This is a learning curve for you and your child, and you're both more resilient than you may think.
Second, we want you to know these two essential truths about child behavior;
1. Most of what you're seeing is probably just normal behavior for a child.
2. It may feel like it sometimes, but your children are not intentionally trying to drive you crazy.
Sometimes, driving you crazy is just a by-product of their learning. Take a deep breath in ... and out.
Knowledge is always a great de-stressor, because it more fully informs your decision making and reactions, which for so many of us is where that angst lives. That's never as true as in parenting. Learning how something works is necessary to be able to correct problems when they arise, as well as to prevent them before they arise.
Understanding the normal functioning of a child's mind helps us recognize when something really is wrong, as opposed to the typical challenges that we should expect. Child behavior involves an awful lot of trial and error. You can't freak out if something happens just a few times. It may simply be your child testing his or her boundaries, trying to find the right behavioral path in a world where things are not always predictable.
In this chapter, we take you through normal childhood behaviors. We also help you develop an awareness of the kinds of influences that lead to both good and bad behaviors. Additionally, we explain how you can understand your child's motives, and examine behavior as communication. You'll learn to decode your child's behavior in order to figure out how to shape it.
Most Problem Behavior Is Normal
What exactly is normal child behavior? Normal is a very broad term when applied to child behavior. The fact is that most kids, by definition, are normal, which means that most child behavior is normal, or at least explainable—even the stuff parents don't like. Remember that our definition of discipline is education. This book will help you take those behaviors that are normal, but undesirable, and shape them into the kinds of behaviors you want to encourage.
Many behaviors that we consider inappropriate are simply part of child development. Take tantrums, for example. Little kids have tantrums sometimes as a method by which to express frustration, and they may hit or kick others as an attempt to get their way or may say things out of anger that are very hurtful. These are actually developmentally appropriate behaviors for children and are a part of growing up. Kids don't yet know all the rules, and they don't yet understand how their behavior may affect others. They test limits and boundaries (and parents' patience) as a natural part of the development process. Children are learning how far is too far and what reactions they can trigger, while simultaneously trying to satisfy their needs and wants and learning to express emotions in an acceptable manner.
That's not to say that you allow the hitting, kicking, or mean language to go unchecked, but even if some of these behaviors are repeated, please be reassured this is normal behavior. None of this reflects on your child's innate goodness or your ability to be a good parent. If you can keep that perspective, you'll do wonders for your stress level! (But if you are experiencing severe behavioral issues that you believe may go beyond normal and beyond your ability to manage or understand them, in Chapter 11 we discuss what goes into deciding to seek professional help.)
Before you can shape behavior, you need to understand behavior in general. When psychologists analyze a behavior, they think in terms of the ABC formula for behavior management: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence. While this may seem a little technical, stick with us because throughout this book we will show you how you can affect behavior by controlling antecedents and using consequences in a wide variety of ways. First, though, we need to go through these terms and have a common vocabulary.
For our purposes, the antecedent is the buildup of events, the contributing factors, and sometimes the triggers that lead to the child's behavior. The behavior is the response the child has in reaction to it. The consequence is what happens after the behavior that makes it more or less likely the behavior will occur again. A parent's reaction to the child after the behavior can be one powerful consequence, as can punishments. However, there are many other potential consequences (intended and not) that can influence whether the behavior is repeated.
All behavior, positive and negative, follows the ABC pattern. The situations of each component are what vary widely, from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Children are still learning the most basic of appropriate responses to the world that touches them, so they very often have to learn by watching your reactions, or by trial and error.
The clues to your child's motivations for his behavior, and ultimately the prudent actions that you can take, lie within the context of this formula. These are the keys to unlocking your family's stress-free discipline plan.
In its most simplified form, parents should reflect on ABC by asking two questions in the context of a particular situation:
1. Did the events that happened before the behavior make it more likely or less likely that my child would behave in a manner that I did not want? (Antecedent)
2. Did what happened after the behavior make it more likely or less likely that my child will exhibit that behavior in the future? (Consequence)
At first, asking yourself these questions may feel unnatural or unwieldy to consider during the heat of the moment. But as you reflect afterward, you'll likely start seeing patterns of behavior in your child, and will be able to help shape his or her behavior in more effective ways. Eventually, asking yourself these questions will become second nature, but it's also possible you'll have fewer of those moments with which to contend.
Here's an example of the ABCS of child behavior as seen from three simple scenarios that each begin the same way.
Scenario One: Mya is happily playing with a friend in the playroom. The two have been getting along pretty well for an hour when all of a sudden Mya grabs a toy away from her friend. The friend screams in indignation, and Mom intervenes and makes Mya give the toy back.
Antecedent: There are two girls playing for an hour, and one toy in particular seems to be most popular with them both.
Behavior: Mya grabs the toy away.
Consequence: The parent intervenes, and Mya has to give the toy back. Mya learns that she'll have to give something back if she grabs it away, which makes it less likely that she'll repeat this behavior.
Scenario Two: Let's look at the same situation with a little twist. After Mya grabs the toy, what if the other child whimpers but doesn't react in any larger way and the parents don't notice the tiff?
Antecedent: Still the same.
Behavior: Still the same.
Consequence: Mya learns that grabbing gets her what she wants, which reinforces her behavior and makes it more likely she's going to do it again.
Scenario Three: Here's another twist: The children are playing and Mya's mother says, "Mya, you're doing such a great job sharing with your friend. High five, sweetie!"
Antecedent: Still the same.
Behavior: The toys are shared! The grab never happens because the parent has just reinforced the idea of sharing in Mya's mind.
Consequence: Mya learns that she gets praise from her mom when she shares, which makes it more likely that she'll share again at the next playdate.
As we said, these are very simple scenarios, and we all know that praising your child once won't teach her to share. These three examples were aimed at giving you an obvious blueprint to the ABCs of behavior so you can identify each point in the cycle and see where you can start to shape behavior. There are a great many nuanced tactics that go into shaping behavior, and we take you through them for the most common stress points in the next few chapters.
Because parents can control antecedents and consequences to some extent, those are primary methods of dealing with behavior. A lot of the work of parenting involves manipulating A and C in order to impact B.
Most of us understand the concept that if we give our child a consequence, we can manage behavior. Punish bad behavior to make it stop. (So you know, punishments don't always work, and, if they do, they often have merely short-term benefits; but more on this in the Universal Strategies in Chapter 2.) We've all used that word consequences countless times with our kids, and probably we heard it ourselves ad nauseam growing up:
"Be careful, or you'll have to face the consequences!" "Listen up, or there mill be consequences!"
But let's turn that on its end: Consequences do not simply consist of punishments. Praise is also a consequence. In fact, anything that happens after a behavior that impacts the likelihood of the behavior occurring again is considered a consequence.
Here's an example:
Antecedent: Jake and his dad take a boys' day to go to a baseball game. It's a last-minute treat because someone in Dad's office had two tickets he couldn't use. They'd been meaning to go all season but just hadn't got there until today.
Behavior: After they get home from the game, Jake's dad starts doing a few chores to get ready for the next day. As he's taking out the trash, he sees Jake come in and start to help by sorting the recyclables into the right bins and then dragging the bins out to the curb, where he sees his dad put them each week.
Consequence: Jake's dad thanks him for helping, and then later in the kitchen Jake overhears him bragging to his mom about how nice and responsible Jake was in helping. Jake loves feeling responsible, and was proud when he heard his dad saying such nice things about him to his mom. This makes it more likely that he will repeat the helpful behavior in the future. Jake's mom and dad realize that more one-on-one time is likely to promote positive behavior and that sincere praise and acknowledgment further encourage that type of behavior.
We're going to take a more nuanced look at the concept of punishing bad behavior and praising good behavior as we go through this book. Consequences can be highly effective, and since it's what most of us currently use, we go through the concept in more detail in Chapter 2. Often, we parents fall back on negative consequences when we find ourselves in uncharted territory, discipline-wise, and that's okay. Sometimes it's most appropriate. Sometimes it gets your child's attention more quickly.
But giving a negative consequence is just the beginning, and it shouldn't be your only tool. If it has been thus far, that may be the cause of some of your parental frustration. Avoiding problematic triggers, interrupting contributing factors, and using praise can shape your child's behavior just as effectively as using a negative consequence. Taken together, positive reinforcements and negative consequences are a powerful combination of parenting tools.
Know this: Your child may not even be making a choice when it comes to bad behaviors. We adults think about choosing our actions, but our children may not yet be at that stage developmentally where any behavior is truly a conscious choice. Often, they are just acting on impulse, some more so than others.
Keeping vigilant about the contributing factors that lead to an undesirable behavior may sometimes be more effective (not to mention avoiding the combat that sometimes goes hand-in-hand with negative consequences). For example, by paying attention to the trigger in a number of meltdowns, you may start to see a pattern: that your child is not likely to follow directions well when she's tired and grumpy.
It seems pretty obvious as you read that paragraph, right? Often, again in the heat of the moment, it's easy to overlook the realities of hunger and tiredness as connected to bad behavior. We just see a child who isn't following directions. But when fewer or simpler directions are given to a tired and grumpy kid, we see fewer problems. Save the other directions until he or she is alert and awake, and in this instance use the tools of redirection and coaching, which we discuss in Chapter 2.
The antecedent stage, once you can spot how it links to behavior, is one of the easier places to intervene and solve a problem before it happens.
Develop Awareness of Influences That Lead to Bad (and Good) Behavior
When you think about those factors that lead up to your child's behavior, keep in mind that there are an infinite number of conditions or influences that can contribute to them. These include temperament, expectations of behavior for your child's age, physical state, emotional state, as well as how he perceives himself.
It's important to remember that both short-term antecedents (those that happen immediately before the behavior) as well as long-term antecedents (those that happened at some point in the not-so-recent past) can lead to a behavior. Like adults, children can nurse a grudge or dredge up long-forgotten conflicts from the past, which can influence problem behavior today. Some of our own reasons for taking action may go back years in time; others may have been caused by an annoyance from a few moments before that put us in a bad mood. It's impossible to know everything that causes a behavior.
However, when looking at child behavior from the eyes of a parent, there are ways to target those contributing factors that have the most influence on an undesirable behavior. As a parent, you likely do this unconsciously, by knowing your child and using your instincts.
In order to truly utilize Stress-Free Discipline, we ask you to become more aware of these influences and how they affect your parenting approach. These influences can be both positive and negative, in terms of spurring behavior. We've broken them down into three broad categories, with examples, to help you connect them to your specific family challenges: situational influences, internal influences, and parental influences. All are ingredients in the soup that is behavior.
Situational Influences
Situational influences are circumstances that are actually happening at the time of the behavior. From causing an impulsive action to inhibiting a child from doing something, situational influences are "in the moment."
• Temptation. The availability of something your child wants but that you've restricted, such as a plate of cookies within reach on a counter, as opposed to the plate being up high where she can't access it.
• People. Individuals nearby can affect behavior, such as an authority figure who inhibits bad behavior, or friends who laugh and inadvertently reinforce silly or disruptive behavior.
• Activities. Lots of activities, or new activities, can mean competition for the child's attention, providing more potential reasons to ignore a parent's directive.
Internal Influences
Internal influences are those that stem from your child's thoughts and innate disposition. They may include forces of which you are unaware. Many of them are far less controllable than other influences (for example, you can't change temperament), but these factors should still be considered as you make your parenting decisions.
• Temperament. The child's innate characteristics that are forming his or her personality, such as how a competitive child argues a point further than one who is sensitive, and a risk-taker is more likely to push behavioral limits to the max.
• Development. Cognitive, physical, and emotional maturity can affect behavior, as when the child with greater self-esteem may be able to better understand her own motives or consequences and behave accordingly.
• Knowledge. What the child understands about the situation, such as the child who is used to getting in trouble and no longer responds to negative consequences, or the child in an unfamiliar setting who can't reason out the rules without explicit directions.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Stress-Free Discipline by Sara Au, Peter L. Stavinoha. Copyright © 2015 Sara Au and Peter L. Stavinoha. Excerpted by permission of AMACOM.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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