Table of Contents
Introduction 1
I Foundations
1 The Stories 8
Robert: The Ornament 8
Beth: Good Neighbors 10
Joe: Special Friends 11
David: Golf Buddies 12
Maryann: The Power of Prayer 13
Sam: Loose Lips Sink Ships 15
Katrina: Supervisor or Pastor? 17
Ann: A Parishioner Tells Her Story 18
2 A Psychological Framework for Boundaries 23
The Purpose of Boundaries 25
How Boundaries Develop 26
Optimal Individuation Is an Ideal 28
Individuation Is a Lifelong Process 31
Individuation and Dependence 32
Individuation and Boundaries 33
Basic Characteristics of Healthy Boundaries 33
Boundaries Protect Us from Harm 36
Boundaries Prevent Us from Harming Others 37
Boundaries Take into Account Competencies and Limitations 38
Growth Requires Humility 38
3 A Theological Basis for Boundaries 41
"What is truth?"-Pilate 42
In the Beginning 44
Justice and Mercy 45
Natural Law 46
The Advent of the Covenant of Law 47
The Second Adam-The Covenant of Grace 49
Boundaries in God's Image 50
Boundaries Are God's Idea 50
Intrinsic and Imposed Boundaries 51
We Don't Need to Take on God's Responsibilities 52
God Has Good Boundaries 54
The Importance of Right Boundaries with God 55
Boundaries Are Essential to Love 56
4 Boundaries in the Body of Christ 58
Life Can Be Painful 59
Relationships Make Us Human 61
Finding God in Our Brokenness 62
Staying Healthy in a Ministry of Healing 64
One Body, Many Parts 66
Sacrifice or Bad Stewardship? 67
Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander 68
II Boundary Building Blocks
5 Know Yourself 72
The Challenge of Knowing Yourself 73
The Danger of Hiding from Yourself 76
The Quest to Know Yourself 78
Personality Organization 79
Character and Temperament 80
Facing God, Facing Ourselves 81
6 In Pursuit of Truth 84
Is It Hopeless? 86
Confronting Shame, Confronting Sin 87
The Deception of Half-Truths 89
Getting at the Truth 90
Spiritual Practices 90
Personal Practices 93
Relational Practices 96
7 The Measure of Our Character 99
Jesus Loves Me, This I Know 100
Why Do I Do That? 101
The Results of What I Do 103
Turning Ourselves Around 104
The Measuring Stick 108
The Measure of God's Grace 109
III Boundary Applications in Ministry
8 Straight Talk on Power 112
Power and Responsibility 113
The Hope That Is in Us 114
Implicit Trust 115
Idealization 116
Intimacy 117
Prayer 118
Spiritual Authority 119
Preaching 120
Administrative Role 121
A Weighty Responsibility 121
Traits That Become Distorted by Power 122
A Note on Predatory Behavior 123
Protecting Your Boundaries 124
Beware! 125
Guardrails 126
Power and Vulnerability 128
When Parishioners Attempt to Renegotiate the Relationship 130
9 When Boundaries Seem Blurry 132
Role Confusion 133
Bound(aries) by the Law? 134
Flexible Boundaries vs. Blurry Boundaries 135
How to Prevent Slipping Off the Slope 136
The Ubiquitous Pastor 138
The Temptation of Too Much Transparency 139
Moving from Blurry Boundaries to Balanced Boundaries 141
10 Sexual Misconduct and the Not-So-Blurry Boundary 143
The Prevalence of Clergy Sexual Misconduct 144
Child Sexual Abuse 144
Defining Clergy Sexual Misconduct 147
How the Fog Moves In 149
From Blurry Boundaries to Over the Edge 151
Emotional Affairs: "At Least I Never Crossed the Line!" 154
Pornography: Clergy Sexual Abuse with a Nameless Victim 157
Protection from the Seduction of Pornography 159
11 Real-Life Boundaries in Real-Life Ministry 161
Personal and Physical Boundaries 162
Relational Boundaries 164
Priorities 165
Time Management 166
Personal Life 167
Family 169
Dual Roles with Parishioners 170
Boundaries in Communication 171
Affection in the Body of Christ 172
Friendship, Favors, and Gifts 176
Dating a Parishioner 178
Boundaries in Counseling 179
12 Beginnings and Conclusions 183
Boundaries Begin with You 183
Establish, Maintain, and Monitor Your Boundaries 184
Healthy Pastor, Healthy Church 186
Help! I Stepped Out of Bounds 187
Not Just Out of Bounds: When a Pastor Goes Over the Cliff 188
The Promise of God's Compassion, Healing, and Presence 189
Notes 193
