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CHAPTER 1
Smack-Bam, or The Art of Governing Men
In the kingdom of Wild Grass, a happy country, a land blessed by heaven, where men are always right and women never wrong, there lived long ago a king who thought of nothing but the happiness of his kingdom, and who, it is said, never felt bored. Whether he was beloved by his people is doubtful, but what is certain is that the courtiers had little esteem and even less love for their king. For this reason, they had given him the nickname of King Bizarre, the only title by which he is known in history, as can be seen in The Great Chronicles of the Kingdoms and Principalities of the Worlds Which Have Never Existed, a learned masterpiece that immortalized the erudition and criticism of the reverend father Dr. Melchisedec de Mentiras y Needad.
Left a widower after a year's marriage, Bizarre had lavished his entire affection on his son and heir, who was the most handsome child imaginable. His complexion was as fresh as a rose. His marvelous hair fell in golden curls on his shoulders. Add to his clear blue eyes a straight nose, a small mouth, and a dimpled chin, and you have the portrait of a cherub. At eight years of age this young marvel danced enchantingly, rode like a master, and fenced to perfection. His winning smile enchanted everyone, as did the truly royal manner in which he saluted the crowd in passing when he was in a good mood. For this reason, the voice of the people, which is never mistaken, had christened him Prince Charming, and this name clung to him forever.
Charming was as glorious as sunshine, but the sun itself, so people say, has spots, and princes do not disdain to resemble the sun. The young boy dazzled the court with his fine mien. However, there were shadows here and there that did not escape the astute eye of love or envy. Supple, agile, and adroit in all kinds of physical exercises, Charming had a nonchalant disposition. He had come to believe that he could learn and know everything without studying. It is true that governesses, courtiers, and servants had continually repeated to him that work was not made for kings, and that the only thing required of a prince was to learn how to take money from his subjects and fling a little of it to poets, writers, and artists. And he was to do this with a contemptuous hand.
These instructions tickled the vanity of Prince Charming, and at twelve years of age, the handsome boy with precocious obstinacy had steadily refused to learn the alphabet. Three teachers, chosen from the most able and patient instructors — a priest, a philosopher, and a colonel — had attempted, in turn, to overcome his youthful stubbornness, but the priest had wasted his philosophy, the philosopher, his tactics, and the colonel, his Latin. As victor in this battle, Charming listened to nothing but his whims and lived without restraint and discipline. As stubborn as a mule, as irascible as a turkey cock, as dainty as a cat, and as idle as a viper, but an accomplished prince nevertheless, he was the pride of the beautiful country of Wild Grass, and the hope and love of a people that esteemed nothing in their kings but grace and beauty.
II. Pazza
Although King Bizarre had been brought up at court, he was a man of sense. Therefore, he was far from pleased by Charming's ignorance, and he often asked himself anxiously what would become of his kingdom in the hands of a prince whom the most unctuous of flatterers might easily deceive. But what was he to do? What means could he employ with a child that a wife whom he had worshipped had bequeathed to him on her deathbed? Rather than see his son weep, Bizarre would have given him his crown. Indeed, his affection for his son rendered him powerless. Love is not blind, whatever the poets may say. Yet, how happy we would be if it were so! Actually, love can cause the person who loves to become tormented, despite himself, and eventually to become the slave and accomplice of the ingrate who feels herself beloved.
Every day, after the council, the king spent the evening with the Countess of Castro, an old lady, who had bounced him on her knees when he was an infant, and who alone could recall the sweet memories of his childhood and youth. She was very ugly, and something of a witch, it is said, but the world is so wicked that we must never believe more than half its scandalous rumors. The countess had large features and luxuriant gray hair, and it was easy to see that she had been beautiful earlier in her life.
One day, when Charming had been more unreasonable than usual, the king entered the countess's home with an anxious air, and, seating himself before the card table, began to play a game of patience. It was his way of diverting his thoughts and forgetting his royal duties for a few hours. Scarcely had he arranged sixteen cards in a square when he heaved a deep sigh.
"Countess," he cried, "you see before you the most miserable of fathers and kings. Despite his natural grace, Charming is becoming more willful and vicious every day. Must I leave such an heir after me and entrust the happiness of my people to this crowned fool?"
"Such is life," the countess replied. "It always distributes its gifts with an impartial hand. Stupidity and beauty go hand in hand, and cleverness and ugliness are seldom separated. I have an example of this in my own family. A few days ago a great-grand-niece was sent to me, a child under ten, who has no other relative. She is as brown as a toad, as scraggy as a mutt, as mischievous as a monkey, and as learned as a book. Judge for yourself, sire, here comes my little monster to greet you."
Bizarre turned his head and saw a child who answered in every respect to the countess's description. With a high, round forehead, black, wild-looking eyes, frizzy hair turned back in the Chinese fashion, dull, brown skin, great white teeth, red hands, and long arms, she was anything but a beauty. But the chrysalis gives birth to the butterfly. Wait a few years, and you will see what pretty women bloom from these frightful little girls of ten. The little monster approached the king and curtsied to him with such a serious air that Bizarre could not help laughing, though he felt a strong impulse to do it.
"Who are you?" he asked while holding the child's chin.
"Sire," she answered gravely, "I am Dorma Dolores Rosario Coral Concha Balthazara Melchiora Gaspara y Todos Santos, the daughter of the noble knight Don Pasquale Bartolomeo Francesco de Asiz y —"
"Enough," the king said. "I didn't ask for your family credits. Nor do we intend to attend your baptism or wedding. What are you commonly called?"
"Sire," she replied, "I am called Pazza."
"And why are you called Pazza?"
"Because it is not my name."
"That's strange," the king stated.
"No, it's natural," the child responded. "My aunt argues that I am too giddy for any saint to wish to have me as her god-daughter, and that's why she has given me a name that won't offend anyone in paradise."
"Well answered, my child. I see that you are not an ordinary girl. The saints in paradise are not always treated with such consideration. Since you know so much, tell me, what is a scholar?"
"A scholar, sire, is one who knows what he says when he speaks, and what he does when he acts."
"Upon my word," the king exclaimed, "if my scholars were what you imagine them to be, I'd make the Academy of Sciences my council of state and would give them my kingdom to govern. What is an ignorant man?"
"Sire," Pazza responded, "there are three kinds of ignorant men: he who knows nothing, he who talks about what he doesn't know, and he who will learn nothing. All three are fit for nothing but to be burned at the stake or hanged."
"That is a proverb. Do you know what proverbs are called?"
"Yes, sire. They are called the wisdom of nations."
"And why are they called such?"
"Because they are foolish. They contradict each other and suit all tastes. Proverbs are like bells that ring out yes or no according to the mood of their listener."
As soon as she said this, Pazza sprang with both feet from the ground, caught a fly buzzing around the king's nose, and left King Bizarre astonished. Then she fetched her doll, sat down on the ground, and began to rock the doll in her arms.
"Well, sire," the countess said, "what do you think of this child?"
"She is much too clever," the king responded. "She will not live long."
"Ah, sire!" Pazza exclaimed. "You are not being very polite to my aunt. She is no longer a child."
"Hush, gypsy!" the old lady smiled. "Don't you know that nobody lectures kings?"
"Countess," said Bizarre, "I've just been struck by a strange idea which is so strange that I'm afraid to tell it to you. Yet, I have an immense desire to try to realize it. As you know, I can do nothing with my son. Reason has no effect on the stubborn child. So, who knows whether folly would not be more successful? Yet, I think it might work: I want Pazza to become Charming's teacher. The intractable boy, who rejects all masters, might be defenseless confronted by a child. The only objection is that no one will share my opinion. Everyone at court will be against me."
"Bah!" the countess replied. "Everyone at court is so stupid that when you think differently, it is proof that you are correct in your judgments."
III. The First Lesson
This was how Pazza came to be entrusted with the education of the young prince. There was no official appointment. It was not announced in the Court Gazette that the king, with his usual wisdom, had found an unparalleled genius at the first attempt, to whom he had confided the heart and mind of his child. Consequently, the very next morning Charming was sent to the countess's home and was permitted to play with Pazza. The two children, left alone together, gazed at each other in silence. Pazza, being the bolder, was the first to speak.
"What is your name?" she asked.
"Those who know me call me Your Highness,'' Charming answered in a piqued tone. "Those who do not know me call me simply My Lord, and everybody says Sir to me. Etiquette requires it."
"What is etiquette?" asked Pazza.
"I don't know,'' Charming replied. "When I want to jump, shout, and roll on the ground, I am told that it is not proper etiquette. Then I keep still and yawn for lack of amusement — that is etiquette."
"Since we are here to amuse ourselves," Pazza continued, "etiquette's not needed. Speak to me as if I were your sister, and I'll speak to you as if you were my brother. I won't call you My Lord."
"But you don't know me," Charming declared.
"What does that matter?" Pazza answered. "I shall care for you. What's better than that? They say that you dance beautifully. Will you please teach me how to dance?"
The ice was broken. Charming took the young girl by the waist and in less than half an hour taught her the latest new polka.
"How well you dance!" he commented. "You've understood all the steps right away."
"It's because you're a good teacher," she replied. "Now it's my turn to teach you something."
She took a beautiful picture book and showed him fine buildings, fish, statesmen, parrots, scholars, curious animals, and flowers, all of which greatly amused Charming.
"See," said Pazza, "here is the explanation of all the pictures. Read it."
"I don't know how to read," Charming replied.
"I'll teach you. I'll be your little tutor."
"No," replied the stubborn prince. "I don't wish to read. My tutors bore me."
"Very well, but I'm not a tutor. See, here is an A, a beautiful great A. Say A."
"No," Charming, frowned. "I'll never say A."
"Not to please me?"
"No, never. Enough of this. I don't like people to differ with me."
"Sir," said Pazza, "a polite man never refuses a lady anything."
"I would refuse the devil in petticoats," the young prince claimed, tossing his head. "I'm tired of you. Leave me alone. I don't love you any longer. Call me My Lord."
"My Lord Charming, or my charming lord," Pazza flushed with anger, "you'll learn to read, or I'll know the reason why."
"I won't read."
"Won't you? One — two — three!"
"No! No! No!"
Pazza raised her hand, and suddenly, smack-bam! The king's son received a smack in the face.
Now, Pazza had been told that she was smart as a whip from her head to the tips of her toes. Unfortunately, she had been stupid enough to believe it because it's never right to humiliate children. At this first lesson in reading, Charming turned pale and trembled. Blood flooded his cheeks, his eyes filled with tears, and he gazed at his young teacher with a look that stunned her. Then, all at once, he made a great effort and struggled to regain his self-possession.
"Pazza, that is A," he said with a trembling voice.
And the same day, he learned all the letters of the alphabet at one sitting. By the end of the week he had learned to spell easily, and before the end of the month he read with ease. King Bizarre was delighted. He kissed Pazza on both cheeks. He insisted on always having her with him or with his son and made this child his friend and counselor, scorning all the courtiers.
Prince Charming, still gloomy and silent, learned all that his young tutor could teach him. When he returned to his former preceptors, he astonished them by his intelligence and docility. He soon knew his grammar so well that the priest asked himself one day whether, by chance, these definitions, which he had never understood, had a meaning. To the philosopher's astonishment, Charming taught him every evening just the opposite of what the priest had taught him in the morning. But, of all his masters, the one to whom he listened with the least repugnance was the colonel. It is true that Bayonet, for that was the colonel's name, was a skillful strategist, and that he could say, like the ancient poet Terence, with a slight variation, "I am human, and I think that nothing of that which is human is alien to me."
It was he who initiated Charming into the mysteries of buttons and shoulder straps. It was he who taught his pupil that the noblest study for a prince is the drilling of battalions, and that the groundwork of statesmanship is to have reviews of the military in order to make war, and to make war in order to have reviews. This was not perhaps altogether suitable to Bizarre's idea of the art of government, but he thought he could correct any errors in the future, and, besides, he was delighted so much by Charming's progress that he was unwilling in any way to meddle with the admirable work of an education so long considered hopeless.
"My son," he often said, "never forget that you owe everything to Pazza."
As the king made these remarks, Pazza gazed tenderly at the young man. Despite all her cleverness, she was foolish enough to love him. In contrast, Charming contented himself by coldly replying that gratitude was a princely virtue, and that Pazza would some day learn that her pupil never forgot anything he experienced.
IV. Pazza's Wedding
One morning, when Prince Charming had reached his seventeenth year, he went looking for King Bizarre, whose health had been declining. He was well aware that Bizarre was very anxious to see his son married before his death.
"Father," he said, "I have pondered your wise words for some time. You gave me life, but Pazza has done still more in wakening my mind and soul. I see only one way of paying the debt of my heart, and that is to marry the woman to whom I am indebted for what I have become. So I've come to ask you for Pazza's hand."
"My dear son," Bizarre answered, "this step does you credit. Pazza is not of royal blood, and under any other circumstances, she's not the one I would have chosen for your wife. Nevertheless, her virtues, her merit, and, above all, the service that she has rendered us make me forget foolish prejudices. Pazza has the soul of a queen. Yes, she will mount the throne with you. In the country of Wild Grass, cleverness and humor are esteemed so highly you will be forgiven for what fools call a misalliance, and for what I call a princely marriage. Happy is he who can choose an intelligent wife, capable of understanding and loving him! Tomorrow your engagement shall be celebrated, and in two years your marriage shall take place."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Smack-Bam, or The Art of Governing Men"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Princeton University Press.
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