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She Comes First
The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman Chapter One She Comes First:
The Courtesy That Counts
Ladies first, gentlemen. When it comes to satisfying a woman, a little old-fashioned chivalry goes a long way.
Lest you think the importance of such courtesy is overexaggerated, direct your attention to Lorena Bobbitt, who, when questioned by police as to why she cut off her husband's penis, responded, "He always has an orgasm and doesn't wait for me. It's unfair."
Need one say more?
Men are designed for efficiency. It doesn't take much to get us aroused, it's a rather uncomplicated process, and we tend to come only once before requiring a "refractory period" (also known as the part where we turn over and start snoring). And depending upon our age, this period could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a couple of days.
The simple fact is that male orgasms come easy. Masters and Johnson dubbed it "ejaculatory inevitability" and the late Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey, famous for interviewing thousands about their sex lives, declared that 75 percent of men ejaculate within two minutes.
But when it comes to the female orgasm, nothing's inevitable. As Sally Tisdale wrote:
Male sexuality seems different from mine fundamentally because nothing need be involved but the head and shaft of the penis, no other part of the body need be troubled, touched, undressed, or soiled ... the male orgasm has always seemed to me to burst almost from nowhere, to be infinitely more ready and willing than my own.
The female orgasm is a more complicated affair and often takes much longer toachieve during a session of sexual activity. In particular, her first orgasm is the most difficult to accomplish, requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation. Is it any surprise, then, that researchers from the University of Chicago declared in the 1994 Sex in America Survey that men reach orgasm during intercourse far more consistently than do women, and that three fourths of men, but less than a third of women, always have orgasms. Less than a third! That means more than two out of three women on average are consistently denied their climax -- good reason to start hiding the cutlery.
Irony, bitter and cruel, seems to be embedded into our respective processes of arousal: that a woman, so unique in her sexuality, possessing both a clitoris -- an organ designed solely for the production of pleasure -- as well as the ability to experience multiple orgasms during a single session of sexual activity, should so often find this vast potential for blazing ecstasy smoldered -- a magnificent conflagration left unlit -- all for lack of a match that can hold its flame.
It's not a problem with the match, say many men, but rather that a woman's fuse is too long. Perhaps, but then this raises the question how long is too long? Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 percent failed to reach orgasm consistently. That's a shift of tectonic proportions -- from two out of three women not being able to reach climax to nine out of ten achieving satisfaction -- all because of a matter of minutes.
Few, if any, of the world's problems can be solved with a mere twenty minutes of attention, and yet here, in the complex sociopolitical landscape of the bedroom, we have an opportunity to create bilateral satisfaction. When put that way, in the context of sexual peace and equality, is twenty minutes of focused attention, applied appropriately, really too much to ask, especially if it can save your sex life?
Take the path of the true gentleman: postpone your pleasure. As Sir Thomas Wyatt, father of the English sonnet wrote, "Patience shall be my song."
Ushering a woman into orgasm is both exhilarating and liberating. When she comes first, anxiety and pressure are dispensed with; you are emboldened, empowered to pursue with gusto the gratification that awaits you -- a climax that will be heightened all the more for having been postponed.
I love to make my girlfriend come, I love to experience the whole thing -- the buildup and release of waves of pleasure, the surrender to ecstasy, the spasm of satisfaction, the momentary loss of self. It turns me on even more to know I made it happen." (David, 27)
What greater reward could a man ask for?
She Comes First
The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Copyright © by Ian Kerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
