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Overview
From Coober Pedy to Canberra, from Ballarat to Broken Hill, from Logan to Launceston, Sh*t Towns takes us through the veritable f*ck-ton of crappy towns and cities that make up the "Lucky Country"—profiling all the best places not to visit or, heaven forbid, live.
The 60 towns and cities reviewed in this volume have been carefully selected using an exacting set of scientific criteria developed at the prestigious University of Nimbin, combined with extensive field research, a desire to offend, and where possible a sense of humor.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781760872816 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Allen & Unwin |
| Publication date: | 11/19/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 192 |
| File size: | 68 MB |
| Note: | This product may take a few minutes to download. |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
QUEENSLAND
Famous for heat, cyclones, obesity and racism, Queensland is the Australian version of the American Deep South minus the culture, where everyone drinks XXXX and wears XXXL. Also known as 'cane toads' or 'banana benders', notoriously insular Queenslanders are easy to provoke — don't make eye contact or it will be interpreted as either an invitation to fight or a mating ritual. The state's tourism slogan is 'Beautiful One Day, Perfect the Next' but 'Shit One Day, Completely Fucked the Next' would be more accurate.
Cairns
Cairns was inexplicably built on a swamp in uninhabitable Far North Queensland, making it a sweltering shitbox with a million per cent humidity year-round. The city experiences two seasons: the wet season, featuring an unrelenting torrent of rain and tropical cyclones, and the even wetter season. Temperatures range from far too hot to face-melting. Even taking a dip won't cool you off as the water is frequently warm enough to boil a baby. Nevertheless, the punishing heat forces many poor bastards to brave the water, presenting them with the choice of cavorting with crocs and box jellyfish in the sea or paddling between toddler turds and blobs of backpacker jizz in 'The Lagoon'.
Despite featuring a climate unsuitable for human life, Cairns has managed to leverage its proximity to the bleached remains of the Great Barrier Reef into a thriving international tourism industry, which means the town is now lousy with heat-stricken backpackers rooting in public, fighting in the street and getting high from Gatorade bottle bongs. Other popular tourist activities include being the victim of car theft, getting mauled by psychotic cassowaries and being left stranded in the middle of the ocean by a Great Barrier Reef dive tour. Cairns's most iconic landmark is a humungous statue of Captain Cook giving a Nazi salute in a nod to Australia's race relations record.
TOWN SLOGAN We Don't Know How to Pronounce it Either!
FAN MAIL
What goat rooting take it up the fuck wit wrote this. (DIGBY GUNT, CAIRNS)
Written by some shit for brains from inner Melbourne god one Fuk wit! (BARBARA CHODEWORTH, TOWNSVILLE)
Maybe your one of those fucked up vegans that don't have brains, idiot. (LUSLEY PLORP, MOUNT ISA)
Shit towns of Australia, you suck. No longer following you're page and I suggest everyone else do the same. Whoever the admin is needs to stick their head up their own bum and have a look around. Tossers. (DIEGO FREECLUG, MOUNT ISA)
Townsville
Townsville (or Towntown in English) was named after Robert Towns, a notorious slave trader who was well known for the practice of 'blackbirding', which is Australian for abducting Pacific Islanders and forcing them to work on your sugar cane plantations. In true shit town fashion, Townsville honoured its namesake with a bronze statue for his services to racism.
Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the 'Tropical North', complete with all the horror that entails: oppressive heat, nightmarish disease and wildlife that devours wayward tourists. And that's just Flinders Street on a Friday night. Also nicknamed 'Brownsville' due to its arid climate rather than the complexion of its residents, Townsville has an annual rainfall comparable to the dustier parts of the Sahara, aside from the handful of days when it's pelted with the sort of biblical monsoons that would get Noah's arsehole twitching.
Townsville also has an impressive collection of defunct sports teams, including the A-League's Northern Fury Football Club (who were not very angry and only vaguely played football) and the Townsville Crocodiles basketball team (who managed a staggering zero titles in a largely mediocre 23 seasons). The pride of Townsville is the North Queensland Cowboys, who are best known for getting thumped by the Broncos and fingered by John Hopoate.
ALSO KNOWN AS Brownsville, Clownsville, Drownsville.
MOST FAMOUS PERSON Julian Assange, international hide-and-seek champion 2012–19.
Mackay
Like its northerly neighbour Townsville, Mackay is also named after a slave lord, suffers from asphyxiating humidity and is populated by the sort of feral Queenslanders that even Brisbane won't put up with. Controversy abounds over Mackay's location for administrative purposes as neither North Queensland nor Central Queensland wants it.
Built off the back of slave labour, the most prominent industry in Mackay is sugar, with the city showing an impressive commitment to morbid obesity and adult onset diabetes. Mackay was named Australia's Fattest City in 2018, with a massive 83 per cent of adults overweight or obese, the most exciting thing to happen to Mackay since an outbreak of the bubonic plague in 1918. Sugar is so treasured in Mackay that it's often cut with cocaine to pad it out.
Aside from producing a product responsible for most of the lifestyle diseases in the developed world, Mackay's other main industries are mining, tourism and making fraudulent cyclone insurance claims. Mackay serves as a gateway to the Great Barrier Reef and Whitsunday Islands, ironically at the same time as fuelling these natural wonders' destruction (and the severity and frequency of the city's cyclones and floods) by selling vast amounts of coal to overseas global- warming factories. A popular tourist activity is whale watching, the common term for observing people from Mackay. If you're itching to put yourself in a sugar coma in a tropical setting, visit 'Fat Townsville' today!
Mount Isa
Mercifully tucked away in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, Mount Isa is a toxic desert hellscape with a lengthy rap sheet of shitness. The city revolves around its lead and copper smelters, belching pollution plants that provide work to the local population of deadset drongos and foolhardy FIFOs, as well as furnishing them with a free citywide sulphuric fart fragrance and bonus lead poisoning. Having babies with learning disabilities and third arms is all part of the job for the hardworking lead-heads of 'The Isa'.
Another part of the job is embracing the oppressive heat of Mount Isa, a place so parched that even the so-called 'wet' season is dustier than the Parramatta Eels' trophy cabinet. The influx of men to work in the mines has also turned the town into a veritable sausage fest, to the point where in 2008 the mayor actually suggested ugly women come to Mount Isa to get laid. Unfortunately for anyone keen on taking up His Worship's offer, the lead smelter has rendered most of the male population impotent — or, ironically, lacking lead in their pencils.
When they're not busily poisoning the planet, Mount Isans enjoy getting on the goon, fighting in the street, pelting cars with rocks and harassing backpackers at the Irish Club. Mount Isa's smog-soaked sunrise can be a spectacular sight — if you ignore the silhouettes of shopkeepers hosing human shit off the footpath. The city's premier event is its combined rodeo and mardi gras every August, when LGBTQ people are chased down the main street by enraged bulls.
As a result of the local death factory turning a bunch of bog-standard yobbos into a pack of CUBs (Cashed-Up Bogans), inhabitants of Mount Eyesore pay through the arse for the privilege of living in such a pootopia. Everything is exorbitant, from the price of drowning your sorrows at the local pub to the cost of escaping — a flight to Brisbane can set you back more than flying from Brissie to London. On the other hand, whatever it costs, it's worth it.
TOWN SLOGAN Happiness is Mount Isa in Your Rear-view Mirror.
ALSO KNOWN AS The Isa, Mount Ice-a, Mount Arsa, Mount Eyesore, Mount Isalation, Mount Isis.
MOST FAMOUS PERSON Lindy 'A Dingo Ate My Baby' Chamberlain.
Rockhampton
Reluctantly settled by a bunch of stranded miners, Rockhampton soon became known as 'The City of the Three S's' (sin, sweat and sorrow). The slogan survives to this day, except now it stands for slobs, steers and semen.
The city is also known as the 'Beef Capital of Australia', a reference to its plethora of fast-food outlets and morbidly obese population. Rocking 'Rocky tuxedos' (extra-wide jeans and XXXL flannos), Rockhampton's blubbery bogans are celebrated by a giant sculpture of a dugong and seven Big Bull statues. Sadly, the bulls have all had steel rods rammed through their nut sacks in an effort to end the local tradition of getting blind drunk on shit beer at a leagues club and nicking a Big Bull's ball. Rockhampton capitalises on its Beef Capital moniker by selling overpriced supermarket steaks to gullible tourists who couldn't tell a Scotch fillet from a Scotch egg.
Shoved 40 kilometres up the Fitzroy River, Rockhampton is also known for its unbearably humid climate, giving it its third nickname, 'Australia's Sweaty Armpit'. In summer, the oppressive humidity combines with the dank stench of the river to create a truly revolting miasma. The city gets so hot that taking a dip in a crocodile-infested swimming hole seems like a good idea.
Even the city's streetlights agree that the city is a horror show, clearly spelling out 'HELL' when viewed from atop Mount Archer. A little-known fact is that town planners were actually trying to write 'HELP', in a desperate plea to passing aircraft to rescue them from living in Rockhampton.
ALSO KNOWN AS Rocky, Rock Vegas, Hampo, Rockhammer, Rockdumpton, Freakhampton, Cockhampton, Crackhampton, Shithampton, Hell.
DID YOU KNOW? People from Rockhampton are known as 'Rock Spiders'.
FAN MAIL
The answer is simple, if you don't like , Sex and travel. (Fuck off). (VIGO PASTRY, BUNDABERG)
you don't know SHIT for brains some joke my arse it's dam right insulting the arsole who wrote this trash doesn't even deserve a comment on it how dare anyone knock OUR coastal resorts. (THORALD OXYMORON, SUNSHINE COAST)
You don't like it FUCK OFF YOU DICK HEAD GO AND DO CPR ON YOUR DADS COCK CUNT. (MERIDIAN FAP, BRISBANE)
FAN MAIL
sum1 should report this pleb ... go have another wank (ALDRIN BREAKFAST, IPSWICH)
Get the fuck. Go back where ya from. Fucken assholes. (KODAK BROOMYDAY, LOGAN)
The gc is better then most places in nz or you wouldn't all be chopping at the bit to come here!!! Stay in nz with the dreads of society is you's all fit right in. (BARTON CHUMKO, GOLD COAST)
Bundaberg
Named after photogenic necrophiliac Ted Bundy, Bundaberg is famous for rum, macadamia nuts and unemployment — but mainly rum. The city is essentially alcoholism with a postcode. In fact, 'Bottleoberg' is such a booze-soaked alcohopolis that its premier tourist attraction is a giant rum bottle, which is popular among tourists who enjoy taking selfies of themselves dry-rooting it for an edgy new Tinder pic, and locals who are still trying to figure out how to open it to get the grog out. Another popular attraction in the area is the Mystery Craters, 35 unexplained holes in the ground, or 36 if you include Bundaberg.
Despite a thriving grog industry, Bundaburgers somehow manage to drink more booze than they make, which may explain Bundy's sky-high rate of violent crime and nation-leading number of dole bludgers. Popular pastimes in Boganberg include drink-driving down the main strip in a stolen Holden, doing drunken skids down 'The Hummock', and bashing backpackers for not being from Australia. Like most of Queensland, Bundaberg is prone to heavy flooding, but all the floods seem to do is momentarily sober up the local population before they dry everything off and get back on the piss.
ALSO KNOWN AS Bundy, Boganberg, Blunderburg, Chunderburg.
MOST FAMOUS PERSON Herbert Hinkler, the first person to fly solo from England to Australia. As the pioneer of the great Aussie gap year, he presumably returned with alcohol poisoning and several new STDs.
Fraser Island
Loitering with intent off the coast of Queensland, Fraser Island is a swampy lump of sand that doubles as an overpriced, overrated tourist trap. Hundreds of thousands visit the world's largest sand island each year to fry in the sun, shit in the dunes, jizz in the lakes or be mauled by a dingo in its natural habitat. Another popular reason for visiting Fraser is by accident after crashing a boat into it.
As well as rusty shipwrecks, a series of large puddles and rainforests teetering precariously on top of sand dunes, Fraser features a resident population of mangy flea-bitten dingoes, venomous snakes and seasonal saltwater crocs. Fences to deter dingoes are commonplace because they keep eating tourists, while dogs are banned from the island because they keep rooting the dingoes. Fraser is also home to a couple of hundred humans, about the same number of residents as your average housing commission home in Mount Druitt.
Fraser Island was originally named 'Great Sandy Island' but had to change its name because while it is exceptionally sandy, it is definitely not great. The former Aboriginal internment camp is the perfect place for a holiday you'll regret forever.
ALSO KNOWN AS Razor Island.
Sunshine Coast
The Sunshine Coast is a slightly less awful version of the Gold Coast, but that's like comparing a shit sandwich with a diarrhoea taco. While the Gold Coast is famous for roller-coasters, failed sports franchises and STDs, the Sunshine Coast is known for cranky boomers, a complete lack of nightlife and a painful line-up of 'attractions' that are somehow less fun than staying at home. It's essentially the Gold Coast for people who are confused by flashing lights.
From Maroochydump to Poosa Heads, the Sunshine Coast is a cluster of bulging shit towns clinging to the coast like septic haemorrhoids, populated largely by geriatrics wanting to die somewhere sandy and warm. Hobbies include whingeing about the Gold Coast, reminiscing on the days when the Sunshine Coast was cow-pat-covered paddocks before the tourists and developers ruined everything with all their money and First-World facilities, and getting stuck on the Bruce Highway trying to escape to somewhere less horrible.
For visitors, the Sunshine Coast has everything required for a disappointing holiday. The area's main family attraction is a theme park dedicated to the national culture, featuring such controversial rides as the Coward Punch Coaster, the Drink-Drive Dodgems and the Racism-Go- Round. Another drawcard is the Buderim Ginger Factory, which produces an estimated 40 per cent of the world's undesirable babies. The factory has a number of ginger-themed rides including the Ginger Train, which also happens to be the name of a popular activity in the homosexual community. Confusingly, the Buderim Ginger Factory is no longer located at Buderim, having moved to nearby Yandina in 1980 without bothering to change its name.
The Sunshine Coast is also home to an excessive number of Australia's embarrassing 'Big Things', including the Big Pineapple at Woombye, the Big Pelican at Noosaville, the Big Mower at Beerwah and the Big Crack Pipe at Nambour. The only redeemable feature on the Sunshine Coast is its beaches, at least until they are swallowed by rising sea levels, taking the region's entire economy down with them. On the plus side, by the time climate change really kicks into gear, the entire population of the Sunshine Coast will have already succumbed to death by old age.
ALSO KNOWN AS Scumshine Coast, Suncrime Coast.
Caboolture
Sitting on top of Brisbane like a sweaty arse on a toilet seat, Caboolture is a nightmarish mish- mash of deros and rednecks, a feral hellhole that is arguably more Logan than Logan. Cabo's population exploded when Brisbane evicted its housos, New Zealanders and other undesirables before the World Expo 88, causing the once sleepy hamlet of Caboolture to devolve into a slum of epic proportions. As unplanned as most of its pregnancies, the town is now an ungroomed patch of urban pubes sprouting around a haggard highway and crawling with the lice of society.
Caboolture is the nation's capital of welfare fraud, animal cruelty and playing pokies in your pyjamas. Other common hobbies include blowing up gelignite at sportsgrounds for shits and giggles, fishing up a body from a waterway, or doing a shoey on Toohey. The home town of Keith Urban hosts an annual country music festival and 'ute muster', attracting inbreds and simpletons from across the state. Aside from Urban, Cabo's biggest celebrities are the 'Centrelink Cougar', a middle-aged woman accused of seducing teenagers for their welfare money, and 'Bottles', a young lady famous for sticking bottles up herself at the Morayfield skatepark each weekend.
ALSO KNOWN AS Cabo, Capoolture, Cabullshit, Staboolture, Kabulture.
Brisbane
A sprawling subtropical shitburbia, 'Brisvegas' is a notorious cultural graveyard where high art is spray painting dicks on walls and fine dining is choosing not to use the drive-thru. The city manages the neat trick of combining small town attitudes with the crime and congestion of a major city, so is a great destination if you are in the mood to get mugged at knifepoint while being told to fuck off back to where you came from.
As well as being brain-achingly boring, Brisbane is prone to flooding and hot as buggery. The city spends a significant amount of time underwater yet always seems to be in drought. The heat is so oppressive that it makes residents do a whole range of irrational things, like casual racism and supporting the Broncos. Other popular pastimes include queueing up to suck off the Wally Lewis statue outside Suncorp or getting coward punched in Caxton Street by a moron in maroon. Brisbane is also overrun by all manner of pests including foxes, bats and New Zealanders.
Despite being known as 'The River City', Brisbane is in fact bisected by a dirty brown trickle that is more Missi-shitty than Mississippi. The river is recommended to anyone who gets off on gawking at a sludgy smear that looks like something on a men's room wall. Crossing the 'Brown Snake' by car requires taking out a second mortgage to pay the hefty tolls on the imaginatively named Go Between Bridge. Brisvegans are also strangely proud of their beaches, despite the nearest being nearly two hours away in crippling traffic. The only strip of sand within the city limits is Streets Beach, a nasty man-made slurry pit full of used condoms and dead bin chickens. Another source of misplaced local pride is Brisbane-brewed XXXX, so named because Queenslanders can't spell beer.
TOWN SLOGAN The BrisBane of Australia's Existence.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Sh*t Towns of Australia"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Rick Furphy and Geoff Rissole.
Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
CONTENTS,
INTRODUCTION,
SIGNIFICANT EVENTS IN AUSTRALIAN HISTORY,
HOW TO SPEAK AUSTRALIAN,
TEN SIGNS YOU LIVE IN A SHIT TOWN,
QUEENSLAND,
Cairns,
Townsville,
Mackay,
Mount Isa,
Rockhampton,
Bundaberg,
Fraser Island,
Sunshine Coast,
Caboolture,
Brisbane,
Toowoomba,
Ipswich,
Logan,
Gold Coast,
NEW SOUTH WALES,
Nimbin,
Byron Bay,
Lismore,
Casino,
Grafton,
Coffs Harbour,
Armidale,
Tamworth,
Port Macquarie,
Broken Hill,
Dubbo,
Newcastle,
Central Coast,
Orange,
Bathurst,
Lithgow,
Penrith,
Sydney,
Wollongong,
Nowra,
Wagga Wagga,
Albury-Wodonga,
AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY,
Canberra,
AUSTRALIA'S WORST 'BIG THINGS',
VICTORIA,
Mildura,
Shepparton,
Bendigo,
Ballarat,
Melbourne,
Geelong,
TASMANIA,
Launceston,
Queenstown,
Hobart,
SOUTH AUSTRALIA,
Mount Gambier,
Adelaide,
Port Pirie,
Port Augusta,
Coober Pedy,
NORTHERN TERRITORY,
Alice Springs,
Katherine,
Darwin,
WESTERN AUSTRALIA,
Broome,
Kalgoorlie,
Perth,
Fremantle,
Mandurah,
Tuggabugga,
INDEX,