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Sexual Happiness in Marriage
By Herbert J. Miles Zondervan
Copyright © 1987 Zondervan
All right reserved. ISBN: 0-310-29221-2
Chapter One
Sex the Servant of Christianity Jim, a college senior, stopped me in the corridor between classes and asked if he could talk to me privately. When we were alone, he told me that he was planning to be married soon after graduation, which was only a few weeks away. He said that he wanted to have a conference with some member of the faculty. Hesitating briefly, he then added, "I want to talk to someone about the physical relationships between husband and wife in marriage." Then with a smile and with confidence he said, "I have studied the list of the college faculty in the catalog and I have selected you as the one I want to talk with."
He was a ministerial volunteer and an honor roll student who had been elected to high office by the student body. His outgoing personality was characterized by maturity, dignity, kindness, and friendliness. He was engaged to one of the most capable, refined, and attractive girls of the senior class. Human nature being what it is, I was extremely proud of being selected by Jim for this conference. Privately, in my mind, I reached up and straightened my halo and at the same time tried to appear humble as I accepted the invitation to talk with him. Most people seem to think of themselves as authorities on courtship, marriage, and the family. I was no exception. Although I had not had any specific conferences like this before, I knew that I would be "good."
On the day of the conference, as the two of us sat down privately to talk, he took a notebook out of his pocket and opened it. It was a small three by five spiral notebook. He began asking questions which he had written in the notebook. There were two questions on each page. They were organized by subject and were detailed. Before he had asked five questions, I realized that I had made a major mistake and that he was talking to the wrong faculty member. By that time, I knew that he knew that he was talking to the wrong faculty member. Being the gentleman that he was, he continued with the questions and tried not to embarrass me. He turned page after page in the little notebook asking question after question. His questions concerned sexual adjustment in marriage. The longer he continued, the more specific he became. He wanted to know about attitudes, techniques, scientific information, percentages, averages, etc., ad infinitum. In answer to his questions, I guessed, "hemmed," "hawed," and avoided. It seemed that he would never get to the end of the notebook. He must have asked fifty or sixty questions. When he finally finished, he stood up and thanked me as graciously as if he had just finished a successful conference with the governor or the president.
Although my pride would not allow me to reveal it to him, I do not recall that I have ever been so humiliated. That night I could not sleep. I could not get Jim off my mind. I asked for and received divine forgiveness for my self-centeredness and overconfidence. But I rolled and tossed on into the night. Each time I would shut my eyes and try to sleep, I could see Jim sitting directly in front of me, turning pages and asking questions. His serious, piercing eyes were looking right through me imploring positive answers. I would review the questions he asked me. Every question was intelligent. He had a right to have the answers and he deserved intelligent answers. Many ideas paraded before my mind that night. In rationalization, I mentally looked up and down the list of faculty members to decide which other member of the faculty he could have asked. After a survey, I decided that there was probably not one member of our fine faculty who was any better prepared to answer his questions than I was. Furthermore, I decided that it was intelligent for him to select me, because I was the teacher of the sociology classes in marriage and the family. The needs of this young man as he stood near the marriage altar flooded my soul.
My thinking flashed back across the years to the weeks before I married the bride of my youth. We had agreed that I should talk to a physician, which I did. The physician was reluctant to talk, and I received even less help than I had given Jim. We needed help and did not receive it. Then I thought of the twenty years while I was a pastor. I had performed many wedding ceremonies. I had given much counsel, religious and otherwise, but I had not given all of the help that those couples really needed. My college and seminary classes had given me no help at this point.
That night, like Jacob of old, I wrestled with this problem "until the break of day." I was overwhelmed by it all. My experience with Jim seemed to be saying to me, "Here is an open door. Your life experience and your present situation make you fit to enter this door." I kept asking myself, "Could it be that this is the same divine leadership that had called me into the ministry, and that had called my wife and me to serve as professors in a Christian college?" It seemed that the answer must be "Yes." Nothing else made sense: Finally, I made a positive decision and in the early part of the dawn, I fell asleep. The next day and during the days ahead, it was with confidence that a program of pre-marriage counseling came to be a positive addition to my teaching responsibilities. During the next few months I read many books on marriage counseling.
In the fall semester, I simply announced in my marriage and family classes that I was a practicing marriage counselor and that my door was open to discuss problems related to courtship, marriage, and family life. Later in the semester, in discussing specific plans for marriage, I announced that I was prepared to discuss sexual adjustment with couples who were planning marriage. Immediately, couples began to knock on my door. There followed a long line of eager, sincere young people like Jim and his bride, sincerely requesting help concerning sexual adjustment in marriage.
Eleven years and two hundred and seventy-five couples later, this book was sent forth with the prayer that it may be used to strengthen the marriage and brighten the way of many other worthy couples.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Sexual Happiness in Marriage by Herbert J. Miles Copyright © 1987 by Zondervan. Excerpted by permission.
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