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Overview
Get all wrapped up in lovemaking—with strings attached!
Could your sex life use some new thrills? If so, here's your ticket to fulfilling all those unconfessed desires. Whether you would like to make dominance and submission (D/s) a permanent part of your relationship or are simply looking for a one-spank stand, exacting dominatrix and luxurious bon vivant Patricia Payne will guide you through this brave new underworld. Here are step-by-step instructions on how to set the mood, decorate your room, pick a proper outfit, and wield the perfect quirt. Sex Tips from a Dominatrix includes every forbidden fruit you need to keep the bon in bondage.
- Tips on Whips
- BDSM Glamour Do's and Don'ts
- Silencing Your Lamb
- The Dope on Rope
- How to Get Knotty
- Aural Sex
- Dungeon Decorum
- Advanced Activities
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780061751547 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | HarperCollins |
| Publication date: | 03/17/2009 |
| Sold by: | HARPERCOLLINS |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 224 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Patricia Payne is a practicing dominatrix who has held several top positions in boardrooms and bedrooms. The product of a strict boarding school, she first aspired to be a governess—until she found greater opportunity being the Governess.
Read an Excerpt
Chapter One
Empowering or Enslaving Your Inner Child
--Longfellow
It has been said that there are two hinds of people in this world, people who think there are two hinds of people and people who don't. I maintain the world is made up of givers and takers, dominants and submissives, tops and bottomseach pair in a symbiotic relationship like that between seamed stockings and stilettos.
The BDSM community is a place where desires you've only confessed to your best friend in her dorm room at Deerfeld are perfectly acceptable. But whether you yearn to be a toy in a sensualist's FAO Schwartz or have a maid who can bring new meaning to "Her Majesty's Service," it is basic D/s protocol to be able to properly identify yourself as dominant or submissive.
This identification is critical because there is only one constant in a D/s relationship: one partner must have the dominant role, and one the submissive. If this basic guideline isn't followed, you will have two strong forces battling for control, or two submissive personalities clamoring to outdo each other in the rigors of service (a deplorable situation, although one that always leaves the bathroom immaculate).
Just as you must decide on chintz or silk for your curtains, so too must you decide whether to emphasize your dominant or submissive tendencies before you can become a player.
For some, this is an easychoice. My friend Dale once told me she realized she had submissive tendencies when she saw a spanking scene in a movie and it occurred to her she wanted to know what it felt like. I confessed I had had a similarly enlightening experience at the yacht club, but my reaction was "Wow, I have to learn how to tie that knot!"
For others, it may take some experimentation or soul searching to decide which side of the paddle they prefer. If a woman consistently chooses bikini waxing over a manicure, she has undeniable submissive tendencies. If she prefers using her Epilady, she is a full-fledged masochist. Or if a man always finds himself insisting that people refer to him as "Mr. Brown" or "Dr. Brown," that is an indication of his dominant nature, or at least a measure of the amount of stuffing in his shirt.
Having people identify items that best express their secret sexual longings can also be very telling, although some situations are trickier than others. I once knew a lovely couple from Newport who ran into difficulties when he donned a diaper and she a Catholic schoolgirl's skirt. It took a great deal of time, as well as a weekend submersion session of Lina Wertmuller films, before they were able to reach a symbiosis with the roles they had chosen.
You have dominant tendencies if you are, or aspire to be, the prime orchestrator in the bedroom. However, good dominants should possess other important qualities.
Excellence in communication is one of the keys to being in control, and being in control is the key to being a good dominant. A good dominant states her preferences in a manner that is consistent, straightforward, and respectful. Similarly, she issues instructions in a clear, easy-to-understand manner.
A good working knowledge and willingness to learn the safe execution of BDSM activities is also an important characteristic of a dominant. She must be able to control her environment, her partner, and -- most important -- herself.
Dominants are no better than submissives, just different. Altruistic and compassionate to others, they understand that the world does not revolve around them. Except when it does.
--Bob Dylan
If you enjoy putting yourself out to do things for others, or if the thought of being instructed sexually makes you hot, you register on the submissive spectrum. This may be evidenced by heartfelt pleasure in serving your partner like a highly trained geisha or by sexual arousal when playing with sensory experiences like being tied up or spanked.
An educated submissive uses his head and not other libido-driven body parts when selecting a dominant, either for a BDSM scene or a relationship. This is critical because the sub must be able to trust his partner to safely lead him through the most formidable of BDSM activities.
Closely related to the ability to trust is a willingness to obey. Debates about who is going to do what to whom and when is antithetical to the dynamic of a BDSM relationship. In addition, through obedience during play, a submissive takes an active role in ensuring his or her own safety.
Submissives must also have good communication skills (especially those "unspoken" ones. The more easily they can express their desires, fears, and limits to a dominant, the more likely they are to have a satisfying experience.
Submissive and needy are not synonymous. Most dominants do not wish to be your knight in shining armor 247.
The BDSM community has many different words for dominant and submissive. Here are some common terms and distinctions.